Restoring the years the locust has eaten

[Twinky]

I am angry. I am upset. I am mightily p'd off.

I got laid off from my job 18 months ago. I have been trying really hard to find work, any work, since then. It seems to be that I am either over-qualified (with demanding professional qualifications) or under-qualified (with not quite up to date qualifications for some of the jobs I have been offered.

The job I lost was my return to my profession…the profession I gave up for TWI. The job was in the property selling area. And when no houses are being bought or sold…there isn't any work.

Since then, I've applied for many jobs of great variety, often at quite junior level, where I have more than enough ability to fulfil the job requirements.

Recently I applied for what looked like a great job, combining many aspects of skills that are current and historical. It looked a good fit. I worked very hard preparing for the interview. It went well. I liked the people and they appeared to like me.

And today, I learned that they are offering the job to somebody else.

I am angry. Upset. Mightily p'd off. Because if I hadn't tangled with TWI and in particular hadn't wasted so many years being majorly depressed after they M&A'd me – when I was incapable of doing anything and especially incapable of holding proper conversations – without that interlude…things would have been very different.

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In brief, I got more or less bamboozled into applying to join the WC. It wasn't long after I went into residence that the bullying really started. LCM (yes, it was he) had several ranting sessions about people who wanted to return to their professions after their WC training. "Dogs returning to vomit" was a common expression. Such people who returned to their former professions or trades were looked down on with the greatest of contempt.

Well, keeping it short: I got M&A'd. It was utterly utterly devastating. It was like being at the bottom of a deep well and all my efforts made me slip more and more down the well. I couldn't speak to anyone without bursting into tears. Couldn't dress or find something to eat without that decision being too much. I couldn't handle myself. No way could I consider any return to anything even slightly professionally demanding. Amazing my then boss was so understanding as to keep me on.

I reached a modicum of getting along. I learned to talk to people and regained the weight I'd lost. But inside I was deeply unhappy. Desperately miserable. Life was utterly meaningless. I was horrible to be around. Very spiky and difficult. Nobody liked me…not even I liked me. Actually I despised me.

And I must have spent nearly ten years feeling like this. Listless, afraid, sick at heart. Ruined.

I was preparing to crawl back to TWI and beg forgiveness for whatever sins I'd committed (clearly too numerous to mention, especially to me) when I stumbled into the Café. Boy oh boy. I read in fascinated horror of what had been going on since before I'd ever heard of TWI, during the time I was there, and afterwards. And, as it were, scales fell from my eyes.

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Now, I feel I have recovered my sound mind, can evaluate what was taught, can form my own opinions and think through carefully what I've seen, heard, read, studied…life is wonderful.

I found an intense "women returners refresher course" and though it was fully subscribed, at the very last minute, a few extra places opened up and one was offered to me. I applied for lots of jobs and amazingly, after 17 years (yes, seventeen years) out of my profession in my home country… I finally landed a job within my profession. Miracle of miracles. It seemed that God was restoring double to me.

I bought a house (because, now, I'd plucked up the courage to take on this major debt).

Then the property market crashed… taking my job as a casualty. Leaving me with a mortgage.

And now… no job for 18 months.

I should have been at peak earning capacity now. I should have many years experience, a deep and wide knowledge within my profession. I should have a lot to help others with. I should be a partner in my own practice by now. Instead, I have a huge "hole in my CV," a lack of knowledge. In an aggressive profession, I'm left way behind.

My profession is only a fragment of what is lost: no husband, no long-for children either. I can't begin to express those losses.

I am so thankful for what God has taught me in the years since the scales fell away, and for the Galatians fruit that is now evident in my life in a way that I never saw in TWI. I thank my God every day for my sound mind and the opportunity to share and help others; for the financial support my country has provided for me; for the friends who have gathered round me and who love me and genuinely care for me; for old friends who never held my weirdness against me; for new friends who accept me as I am. I'm grateful for this aboundingly beautiful life and for all the things my God has provided for me.

I simply cannot understand why I do not have a job. And I cannot stand getting all these rejections.

So I am angry. I am upset. I am mightily p'd off.

TWI taught me that rubbish. I stupidly believed it - what a mug! I stupidly believed they were a loving Christian organization. Hah!!! Some of the people were. The ethos was not.

I know this is nothing new.

In the face of another rejection just a short while ago, I needed to vent a little. Feel better now.

Anybody who wants, can pray for me that in the employment area, the windows of heaven will open real soon and deluge me with job offers.

[waysider]

For what it's worth, I don't think you are at fault for the unemployment situation. The economy is really just in shambles. Here where I am, in The States, the unemployment rate is in the double digits. Some of the people who CAN find jobs are having to work for wages that aren't even half of what they used to make. And, they've lost many of the benefits they once had. I don't imagine it's much different where you are.

As for the anger and betrayal you feel toward TWI, I think I might know how you feel. I never wanted to leave my hometown. Thirty five years ago, I let TWI talk me into leaving to do this assignment or that. Next thing I know, I'm still not back home and all those years are gone forever. There is a line in a Little Walter tune (

) that resonates with me. "You took me away from home. I was nothing but a child. Made me all kinds of promises. Man, it was a line of jive." You have every right to feel,angry about it. I think it's actually part of the healing process.

[bowtwi]

I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I believe you'll recover and then some - and that there's still time for you to have an even better fit than the one that just passed by.

I was laid off almost 2 years ago now and have not replaced the income we were comfortable at. Today I'm bringing in one 25% of what I used to. I believe I'll find a better job any day now too.

It's tough, that's sure. I just can't and won't believe that God doesn't have something better in store for all of us who love Him.

I've added you to my prayer list. I look forward to hearing what comes up for you.

[Twinky]

Thank you, Waysider and Bowtwi.

This last 18 months has been very difficult. Immensely frustrating, depressing, mess-with-the-head stuff. Especially when I have to deal with the office that deals with the State support that I'm getting - not so often now the claim is set up. Those times, I lie on the floor and weep, or soak a cushion with tears, and enter a state of stultification for the rest of the day. Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately) I am getting used to the routine so it's not quite so stressful.

Yet through it all I sense God's hand of blessing and protection. Just when I've needed it, something has come through for me. I have some great friends and people at my church genuinely love and care for me. I am invited out for meals, or just given little gifts (a bunch of flowers, box of chocs) - just because they want to bless me. Physical abundance - there's too much of. My little house is overflowing with stuff.

The best thing is that I have acquired a new sense of who God is and what he wants for me. His peace, love, gentleness, kindness, permeate life. I'm much more deeply aware of Him and his will now than ever before. Within myself, I find a mellowness and calm that I didn't know. There is more patience, more compassion, more kindness towards others.

So I'm content to think that this is all in God's hands, and now that the scales have fallen from my eyes, it's His time to allow me to readjust my thinking, reconsider old teaching, work out what's good for me, enjoy his many blessings. I constantly believe that the next job I apply for (or at least get interviewed for) is going to be the one that has my name on it. But it will be in His time...when I am really ready for it.

Still, I can't understand why it is so slow and so absent. Is there something wrong with the way I present myself? Am I still "spiky" - though new friends don't seem to think so.

This huge erosion of my skills and abilities sits there in my CV and in my life like a big black hole. The "lost years," as I call them, contain bigger losses than I'd realized. You could look at my CV and think, "Well, she tried this, she tried that...failed at the lot. Never stays anywhere long." ...All that's completely untrue but perhaps that's how it appears. I'm upskilling in some areas but I doubt I will ever fully return to my profession, though I may gain work in parallel areas.

I know this: that I am in my house because this is where God wanted me (it was weird how I came to be here); and I got the mortgage and other money to buy the house quite amazingly. And God knows the future and must have known the last job would end. He wouldn't have arranged all that just to have me thrown out homeless in 12 months time... would he? So something good will happen before then. Ideally much sooner!

[Shellon]

I've considered the kinds of things you mention here, Twinky. Sometimes I wonder alot of 'what it...' until I understand that it isn't going to get me where I need to go, most of the time. It's tough, some days, to remember that God has my gig and doesn't need me to put anything in the suggestion box.

You're in my prayers and I look forward to what's ahead for you.