There was a period of time that things felt really weird. What to do on our tuesday evenings, thursday evenings, sunday mornings. It took adjustment and wasn't always pleasant. I had been doing the TWI thing for 16 years and it was habit, it was my normal, it was what I did.
Forming new normals sometimes proved to be a struggle and I soon found that it was doable, just took some figuring out. I went to sleep reminding myself we were safe, I awoke with the same reminder.
Getting involved with school for myself was wonderful ! I loved it, flourished in it and found that it was refreshing to think of other things, actual adult things. Often alot of it was really expensive therapy; things like Abuse and Neglect Class, Abnormal Psych Class, Substance Abuse, Sociology, Psychology 1,2,3,4 and Application of same. Doing my practical internships gave me the shots at actually doing some of what I was studying and finding where I fit and didn't.
I sat in classes mostly quiet as I understood the Psychology of a man like Mr. Martindale or Wierwille or even more important, why I allowed things in my life that were not healthy and/or downright stupid, even potentially fatal for my children; a fact that I had to reconcile and never really have.
I fell on a site called Waydale when I had found my way around a computer enough to hunt for things and that was the scariest time, perhaps, since I wasn't alone in this "leaving the ministry" gig. It wasn't long and I learned to trust a few, a friendship or two was forged and the chat room gave me a place to laugh again, something I had not remembered doing in so very long.
I got a devastating blow when one of the posters/chatters there infiltrated my life and the lives of my children and tricked me in ways TWI had not even thought of. But it was the waydale community and my loving family that loved me through my first betrayal in that realm. It destroyed what might have been left of my trust, but choices were made that took the situation around to one of learning and understanding of the human condition in a real life way that no text book might instruct me.
My oldest daughter, Samantha, fell off the journey into her own mess when she had gone so far in to self medication and self destruction that even her mama couldn't pull her out. It was a time of turning in my own child for drug related incidents, sometimes having to physically protect her 5 year old sister from her, she attempted suicide twice that I know of and generally imploded. It was with an almost dead heart and crystal clear head that I kicked her out of our home during a blizzard in March and she would never return.
She did return to my life and my heart and has, in the last 8 years gotten it together enough to maintain a relationship with a good man; something I wasn't sure she'd ever venture into, given her fear of loss. She made me the grandma of an amazingly sweet and beautiful and naughty 4 year old, Kailin Jade Willis and I'm a very proud mother!
Kelly is a teenager with great strength of honesty and humor and not remembering her dad, she comes to understand, through her sister and I that he was a strong man and TWI was but a place we spent our lives but it wasn't necessarily a bad place and while she knows it contributed to taking her fathers life and nearly the life of her sister, she also understands the huge responsibility of taking what is good and carrying it forward.
My children are strong women, they are tough and smart and creative and funny and generous and thoughtful. They miss their father immensely, but they each have the best of him in their heart and life, they are the best of me.
The journey takes a wonderful and amazing turn as I build a life with Jeff and we blend our families into one, loving in ways I'm not sure either of us believed possible. Our own journey continues as we endeavor to continue to help, the desire to facilitate change and the belief in the good and the ability to understand what that is for us and where it fits in our lives and the lives of our three children and grandchild.
(((((for you and your girls)))) I'm so happy your journey is coming to a great place! You are an inspiration to me and I so look forward to meeting you face to face some day. I'm so happy for you and Jeff and hope all the best in your lives together. Jeff, you and I have traveled down alot of the same paths and am happy to see God is still on the throne in your life. Take care of those wonderful women like I know you will. And let me say again thank you for the help you have been to me in years past.
Bravo, Bravo!! Well told, my darlin' friend. I'm pleased to say I'm one of those friends that you met at Waydale and we've continued growing, raising our children together, laughing together, crying together, whatever was/is appropriate for the situation.
I love that you're strong enough to kick my behind when I need it and you can take it when I feel the need to ask you why the face??? Someone just asked me over the weekend if I had known you face-to-face back in the day and I had to laugh because it sure feels like you've been my best friend since we were kids!
I knew your way history pretty much most of it - but to read it and fill in what I had no idea about only brings me to respect and admire you all the more. I wouldn't have thunk that possible!
Thank you for telling your story - I pray it frees you as much as telling mine did me. I love you and am so proud of you and pleased for you!!!
Amen, Box, few have the guts to kick my butt when I deserve it; I'm so thrilled you do! And yeah, the laughs and tears and kid raisin and stuff we've pulled off together........Good stuff. It does feel like we've been sisters since the sister thing started huh?
Grand-Daughter, thank you, your support is appreciated and I, too, hope we get to meet face to face !
This story has been more healing than I would have expected and things I'd forgotten or put somewhere came to the forefront, not always comfortable. And of course a whole lot of life happened that I never mentioned; I'm a blessed mother, a fortunate friend and I'm a grateful and very loved woman!
Shellon - we've had our PM's about your posts so I will not reiterate here. However if someone asked me what I thought of you as a person I would probably just stare stupidly back at them as if they had asked me what I thought of the Rock of Gibraltar.
Thank you, RumRunner, those are kind words. I usually don't think my life, my story is all that different than so many other women who sucked it up and did what they had to do in this life.
So much of our frame, our dynamic, salutes how we do everything else and I'm proud of where I am now, I'm thankful for the breath that still carry's on in me and the support of a few, like yourself, who can understand.
I think I carry things from one experience to the next; the good and not so much and I hope I repeat mistakes less and less often. I think my children are proud of me, I really don't ask anything else.
As I stated when I started this story, I was prime for a place like TWI but I loved a man and said words I wasn't willing to negate because of TWI. What a strange mix of daily life eh, what a fascinating journey we get to take.
Hi Dooj, thanks for stopping in and for supportive comments. The road(s) can, indeed, have many twists and turns, yes !
I enjoy a thankful heart, hopeful future and humility towards the kinds of support I find here and especially from those that love me; Jeff, his son and the girls. I am blessed.
Shellon, thanks for your honesty. Like you said, "So much of our frame, our dynamic salutes how we do everything else and I am proud of where I am now....." Yessiree, sistuh, it is all attitude and how we choose to deal with it or at least sort it out to make this fascinating journey work...
As long as our children are proud of us, all is well with our world. Everything else is just water under the bridge.
Shell, just found this and couldn't draw myself away. You write so well that your pain, confusion, despair - and now happiness - all show through. You've suffered some horrendous treatment; congratulations on surviving and now thriving. Your tale brings tears of sorrow to the eyes, anger at the ill-treatment, and laughter at your bizarre escape.
All the best to you and Jeff.
PS What an awesomely beautiful photo of your daughters!
At the moment I don't know what to say, except that I love you, Shell.
Thank you, Andy, for reading this story, for you care of me. I have to add, however, that while I know you and I have been friends here a long time, the "I love you Shell" makes me think of Jeff's love for me even more, and my assurity that you understand that, too.
I wasn't worried about sending the wrong signal, and I'm sure you didn't take it that way.
If there's one way term I'll never shake from my brain it's "the love of God in the renewed mind, in manifestation'. I just don't know what it means. lol
Someone gave us a ride back to our house where I found, to my further exhaustion and ire, people. Alot of people. Someone had arranged for people to come to our home before we got there and clean up, finish the lunch I had been fixing a few short hours ago and prepare it on my dining room table. Remembering this now, I have no idea who these people were and the instructions to eat something, coupled with a sea of emotions and questions, only served to further make me mad.
.
.
.
I didn't get further than the doorway into our bedroom when I realized that these strangers had cleaned it.
.
.
.
everything done for me.
How creepy...weird people into all your business...shades of "Rosemary's Baby."
I've known you as an awesome woman (and friend!) for several years now. After reading your incredibily honest and well written story, many more will know what an awesome lady you are, also.
I'm thrilled for the healing you received by writing this, and for the new adventures you and Jeff are embarking upon together. What a grand new beginning with all this expelled from your heart.
Soul Searcher, yeah it is/was kind of like that; creepy. It was my normal and a term I hate now would have fit. "It is what it is".
Eyesopen, your support in telling my story continues to be of great comfort and at those moments when I think I'm a fool, your encouragement reminds me otherwise.
Purpledays, your friendship has always been a treasure to my life and the life of my daughter. (Bossy) You are very much appreciated !
I waver back and forth between regret at even having a story to tell and realization that it's a story that must be told and therefore, and perhaps because, it shall be told.
Some days, just like that time in my life and today, I understand little if anything of the human condition and even less about why people do what they do; myself included. Like then I, today, have to face my choices and consequences of same.
But, indeed, it is what it is and we make choices. I can only ask myself if, today, I'm willing to live up to mine or not and I hope that I take from my TWI days some valuable lessons, a little strength, some understanding and apply what I need to do better.
Alot of days is one moment (or second) at a time, isn't it?
My brother say's "I'm upright and sucking air today sis, it's a good day, ask me about tomorrow when it gets here"
As you've probably noticed, you haven't heard from me since I first began reading this.
I decided to read it fully five times, which was no small task, but very well worth it.
Each time I read it, it was new and compelling.
Each time, I laughed so very hard...each time I read it, something new broke my heart...Each time I read it, I shared sometimes despair, yet sharing the triumph.
It doesn't happen often, but you've kind of left me at a loss for words.
One immediate question comes to mind, however.
Why haven't you been published a long time ago?
I can use words like "amazing", "awesome" etc etc etc...but there are no adjectives adequate to the task...it just is.
Thanks for compliments, Ron; I'm glad that you and others have found the story to be many different things, that was my hope as well as getting it out of my own head as a cathartic tool, perhaps.
The reason(s) I've not been published a long time ago are as varied as the story itself, like any of us; it's a painful process when it's ones own truth and not just a "story". It's about my daughters, it's about a man who can't defend himself, it's about people who walked in and out of my life in the process of some painful times and others who will never leave it, even if I'd prefer them to.
It's about some of those people who I can't just walk away from, it's about toxic relationships and secrets that should never be told, no matter how others think it's good to.
I want to decide what truth should be told about MY life and when and where. That is the good stuff about writing the book or publishing it. If I never ever ever! publish anything, but only write it for my own therapy, that should be enough; either way I get to decide.
It took 10 years to even write the story here where I have relative safety and counsel if needed. It's a painful journey that I'd rather not own.
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Shellon
I sorta hate to have this end on some morose sad place. This last week, for me, has been one of great loss and great understanding and great reckoning; none of it fun, none of it holding the humor th
Shellon
And today I'm struck more than in a very long time with how very alone it is to parent after a spouse has died. I have decisions to make regarding my child, very important ones that will shape her fu
Shellon
It's with a strange mixture of grief and relief that I can tell any of my story with a sense of freedom and with a hope of expression that makes some sense, maybe for the first time in 11 years. I do
Shellon
There was a period of time that things felt really weird. What to do on our tuesday evenings, thursday evenings, sunday mornings. It took adjustment and wasn't always pleasant. I had been doing the TWI thing for 16 years and it was habit, it was my normal, it was what I did.
Forming new normals sometimes proved to be a struggle and I soon found that it was doable, just took some figuring out. I went to sleep reminding myself we were safe, I awoke with the same reminder.
Getting involved with school for myself was wonderful ! I loved it, flourished in it and found that it was refreshing to think of other things, actual adult things. Often alot of it was really expensive therapy; things like Abuse and Neglect Class, Abnormal Psych Class, Substance Abuse, Sociology, Psychology 1,2,3,4 and Application of same. Doing my practical internships gave me the shots at actually doing some of what I was studying and finding where I fit and didn't.
I sat in classes mostly quiet as I understood the Psychology of a man like Mr. Martindale or Wierwille or even more important, why I allowed things in my life that were not healthy and/or downright stupid, even potentially fatal for my children; a fact that I had to reconcile and never really have.
I fell on a site called Waydale when I had found my way around a computer enough to hunt for things and that was the scariest time, perhaps, since I wasn't alone in this "leaving the ministry" gig. It wasn't long and I learned to trust a few, a friendship or two was forged and the chat room gave me a place to laugh again, something I had not remembered doing in so very long.
I got a devastating blow when one of the posters/chatters there infiltrated my life and the lives of my children and tricked me in ways TWI had not even thought of. But it was the waydale community and my loving family that loved me through my first betrayal in that realm. It destroyed what might have been left of my trust, but choices were made that took the situation around to one of learning and understanding of the human condition in a real life way that no text book might instruct me.
My oldest daughter, Samantha, fell off the journey into her own mess when she had gone so far in to self medication and self destruction that even her mama couldn't pull her out. It was a time of turning in my own child for drug related incidents, sometimes having to physically protect her 5 year old sister from her, she attempted suicide twice that I know of and generally imploded. It was with an almost dead heart and crystal clear head that I kicked her out of our home during a blizzard in March and she would never return.
She did return to my life and my heart and has, in the last 8 years gotten it together enough to maintain a relationship with a good man; something I wasn't sure she'd ever venture into, given her fear of loss. She made me the grandma of an amazingly sweet and beautiful and naughty 4 year old, Kailin Jade Willis and I'm a very proud mother!
Kelly is a teenager with great strength of honesty and humor and not remembering her dad, she comes to understand, through her sister and I that he was a strong man and TWI was but a place we spent our lives but it wasn't necessarily a bad place and while she knows it contributed to taking her fathers life and nearly the life of her sister, she also understands the huge responsibility of taking what is good and carrying it forward.
My children are strong women, they are tough and smart and creative and funny and generous and thoughtful. They miss their father immensely, but they each have the best of him in their heart and life, they are the best of me.
The journey takes a wonderful and amazing turn as I build a life with Jeff and we blend our families into one, loving in ways I'm not sure either of us believed possible. Our own journey continues as we endeavor to continue to help, the desire to facilitate change and the belief in the good and the ability to understand what that is for us and where it fits in our lives and the lives of our three children and grandchild.
Copyright 2009 Shellon R. North
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grand-daughter
Shell,
(((((for you and your girls)))) I'm so happy your journey is coming to a great place! You are an inspiration to me and I so look forward to meeting you face to face some day. I'm so happy for you and Jeff and hope all the best in your lives together. Jeff, you and I have traveled down alot of the same paths and am happy to see God is still on the throne in your life. Take care of those wonderful women like I know you will. And let me say again thank you for the help you have been to me in years past.
Your Friend
Dawn
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bowtwi
Bravo, Bravo!! Well told, my darlin' friend. I'm pleased to say I'm one of those friends that you met at Waydale and we've continued growing, raising our children together, laughing together, crying together, whatever was/is appropriate for the situation.
I love that you're strong enough to kick my behind when I need it and you can take it when I feel the need to ask you why the face??? Someone just asked me over the weekend if I had known you face-to-face back in the day and I had to laugh because it sure feels like you've been my best friend since we were kids!
I knew your way history pretty much most of it - but to read it and fill in what I had no idea about only brings me to respect and admire you all the more. I wouldn't have thunk that possible!
Thank you for telling your story - I pray it frees you as much as telling mine did me. I love you and am so proud of you and pleased for you!!!
(((((((Shell)))))))
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Shellon
Amen, Box, few have the guts to kick my butt when I deserve it; I'm so thrilled you do! And yeah, the laughs and tears and kid raisin and stuff we've pulled off together........Good stuff. It does feel like we've been sisters since the sister thing started huh?
Grand-Daughter, thank you, your support is appreciated and I, too, hope we get to meet face to face !
This story has been more healing than I would have expected and things I'd forgotten or put somewhere came to the forefront, not always comfortable. And of course a whole lot of life happened that I never mentioned; I'm a blessed mother, a fortunate friend and I'm a grateful and very loved woman!
Life is good
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RumRunner
Shellon - we've had our PM's about your posts so I will not reiterate here. However if someone asked me what I thought of you as a person I would probably just stare stupidly back at them as if they had asked me what I thought of the Rock of Gibraltar.
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Shellon
Thank you, RumRunner, those are kind words. I usually don't think my life, my story is all that different than so many other women who sucked it up and did what they had to do in this life.
So much of our frame, our dynamic, salutes how we do everything else and I'm proud of where I am now, I'm thankful for the breath that still carry's on in me and the support of a few, like yourself, who can understand.
I think I carry things from one experience to the next; the good and not so much and I hope I repeat mistakes less and less often. I think my children are proud of me, I really don't ask anything else.
As I stated when I started this story, I was prime for a place like TWI but I loved a man and said words I wasn't willing to negate because of TWI. What a strange mix of daily life eh, what a fascinating journey we get to take.
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doojable
Shellon,
Life has kept me very busy lately, but I stopped in and read your story. Words fail to really describe my emotions here.
The road to freedom and expressing freedom has some real twists and turns - doesn't it?
Thank you for putting your story out there.
dooj
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Shellon
Hi Dooj, thanks for stopping in and for supportive comments. The road(s) can, indeed, have many twists and turns, yes !
I enjoy a thankful heart, hopeful future and humility towards the kinds of support I find here and especially from those that love me; Jeff, his son and the girls. I am blessed.
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JeffSjo
Wow darlin.....
You blow me away sometimes....:)
Hopeful futures are much better, yes? :wub:
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kimberly
Shellon, thanks for your honesty. Like you said, "So much of our frame, our dynamic salutes how we do everything else and I am proud of where I am now....." Yessiree, sistuh, it is all attitude and how we choose to deal with it or at least sort it out to make this fascinating journey work...
As long as our children are proud of us, all is well with our world. Everything else is just water under the bridge.
Blessings galore to you and yours.
Kimberly
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Shellon
Hi Kimberly, yeah, my children's feeling like their mama didn't compromise, especially at the cost of them is pretty important to me.
Hopefully they've learned a thing or three along the way too that they'll carry forward.
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hiway29
Well, that was an eye opening evening.
At the moment I don't know what to say, except that I love you, Shell.
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Twinky
Shell, just found this and couldn't draw myself away. You write so well that your pain, confusion, despair - and now happiness - all show through. You've suffered some horrendous treatment; congratulations on surviving and now thriving. Your tale brings tears of sorrow to the eyes, anger at the ill-treatment, and laughter at your bizarre escape.
All the best to you and Jeff.
PS What an awesomely beautiful photo of your daughters!
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Shellon
Thank you, Andy, for reading this story, for you care of me. I have to add, however, that while I know you and I have been friends here a long time, the "I love you Shell" makes me think of Jeff's love for me even more, and my assurity that you understand that, too.
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hiway29
Of course I understand that Shell-
I wasn't worried about sending the wrong signal, and I'm sure you didn't take it that way.
If there's one way term I'll never shake from my brain it's "the love of God in the renewed mind, in manifestation'. I just don't know what it means. lol
Best to you and Jeff.
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soul searcher
How creepy...weird people into all your business...shades of "Rosemary's Baby."
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Eyesopen
Wow Shell, your story is powerful and well written. I can only agree whole heartedly with Rumrunners comparision of you with the Rock of Gibralter.
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PurpleDays
((((((((((Shellon))))))))))
I've known you as an awesome woman (and friend!) for several years now. After reading your incredibily honest and well written story, many more will know what an awesome lady you are, also.
I'm thrilled for the healing you received by writing this, and for the new adventures you and Jeff are embarking upon together. What a grand new beginning with all this expelled from your heart.
Godspeed and abundant blessings to you and yours!
PurpleDays
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Shellon
Soul Searcher, yeah it is/was kind of like that; creepy. It was my normal and a term I hate now would have fit. "It is what it is".
Eyesopen, your support in telling my story continues to be of great comfort and at those moments when I think I'm a fool, your encouragement reminds me otherwise.
Purpledays, your friendship has always been a treasure to my life and the life of my daughter. (Bossy) You are very much appreciated !
--------------------------------------------------------------
I waver back and forth between regret at even having a story to tell and realization that it's a story that must be told and therefore, and perhaps because, it shall be told.
Some days, just like that time in my life and today, I understand little if anything of the human condition and even less about why people do what they do; myself included. Like then I, today, have to face my choices and consequences of same.
But, indeed, it is what it is and we make choices. I can only ask myself if, today, I'm willing to live up to mine or not and I hope that I take from my TWI days some valuable lessons, a little strength, some understanding and apply what I need to do better.
Alot of days is one moment (or second) at a time, isn't it?
My brother say's "I'm upright and sucking air today sis, it's a good day, ask me about tomorrow when it gets here"
He's not a foolish man.
Edited by ShellonLink to comment
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Ron G.
As you've probably noticed, you haven't heard from me since I first began reading this.
I decided to read it fully five times, which was no small task, but very well worth it.
Each time I read it, it was new and compelling.
Each time, I laughed so very hard...each time I read it, something new broke my heart...Each time I read it, I shared sometimes despair, yet sharing the triumph.
It doesn't happen often, but you've kind of left me at a loss for words.
One immediate question comes to mind, however.
Why haven't you been published a long time ago?
I can use words like "amazing", "awesome" etc etc etc...but there are no adjectives adequate to the task...it just is.
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Shellon
Thanks for compliments, Ron; I'm glad that you and others have found the story to be many different things, that was my hope as well as getting it out of my own head as a cathartic tool, perhaps.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason(s) I've not been published a long time ago are as varied as the story itself, like any of us; it's a painful process when it's ones own truth and not just a "story". It's about my daughters, it's about a man who can't defend himself, it's about people who walked in and out of my life in the process of some painful times and others who will never leave it, even if I'd prefer them to.
It's about some of those people who I can't just walk away from, it's about toxic relationships and secrets that should never be told, no matter how others think it's good to.
I want to decide what truth should be told about MY life and when and where. That is the good stuff about writing the book or publishing it. If I never ever ever! publish anything, but only write it for my own therapy, that should be enough; either way I get to decide.
It took 10 years to even write the story here where I have relative safety and counsel if needed. It's a painful journey that I'd rather not own.
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JeffSjo
However these things work out, short run or long run....I LOVE YOU!
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year2027
God first
hi Shellon
I on page #20
and i am enjoying
having the Mac read to me thanks
thank you
with love and a holy kiss Roy
1 on page 60 I am enjoying it my friend
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year2027
God first
hi Shellon
please write more i love to hear your life with Jeff
thank you
with love and a holy kiss Roy
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