Approaching those who have left TWI

[Mister P-Mosh]

As some of you know, I was raised in TWI, and left when I was a young adult, but after being fully indoctrinated, taking the AC, etc. It was difficult for me to leave, especially considering the fact that I have family that was in TWI as well. Essentially, all of my immediate family was in.

I've recently discovered that some members of my family are no longer participating in TWI. Or rather, I've been told second-hand from other family members, who wouldn't know all the details. We've observed that they no longer read the bible every morning, they no longer require us to pray before a meal, they don't use as much wayspeak, and they don't attend any fellowships while we are around.

So my question is, how should I approach the question? I'm concerned about them because they've been in TWI for more than 25 years, and for them to stop would have to be a huge deal. These are people that would never complain if something was wrong or they were depressed, and I think they may have given up on religion altogether. While that was a liberating experience for me, I don't think that they should. They're the type of people that need to believe in something, and I sort of hope they find some other church or something to help them.

So how do I initiate dialog without stepping into trap by triggering their TWI-mental-reflexes? I don't want them to suddenly revert if I say something that might make them think I am "off the word" in a drastic way. I want to be careful to not attack TWI in case they end up defensive of it and start to go back. Dealing with innies, or newly ex-innies, can be difficult. I'm curious what you all would do and how you would talk to someone close about it.

[George Aar]

I dunno Mr. P,

Will it really help anything to dance around the issue? I tend to think that simply, honest, forthright dialog is generally the best in most any situation. You and them have had a lifetime of "alternative speak". Did it really do you any good?

Just talk, I'm sure it'll all work out...

[Mister P-Mosh]

I dunno Mr. P,

Will it really help anything to dance around the issue? I tend to think that simply, honest, forthright dialog is generally the best in most any situation. You and them have had a lifetime of "alternative speak". Did it really do you any good?

Just talk, I'm sure it'll all work out...

I'm used to having a strategy and such, and I tend to research things that I do before I do them. I've never been one to make conversation, and am generally pretty quiet in person and content to let others talk. I've also always been very deferential to these people, as they were always "the adults" and I was always "the kid", so it is not simple on multiple levels.

Still, you're probably right. I'm going to wait and see what others say, especially if anyone has had experience dealing with that before.

[coolchef]

imo just let them know you are concerned and ask if you can help in ANY way

good luck

[cheranne]

i believe that most people who entered twi have a love for God and truth,my concern

is that they know the differance.

Lots of conterfiet twisted scripture in twi and guilt poured on like a hot fudge sunday!

Subtile but..there big time,never enough is done,even when your sick it is YOUR fault

and it just goes on and on like a little violin playing a wha wha wha song.

Once people see that and want to move on with life in the here and now it is easy

to guide them as long as they KNOW what light to follow.

[Nottawayfer]

I would ask a very simple question and let them elaborate as much as they decide. Then I would wait to see if there was an opportunity to ask another question. The question could be as simple as "Do you still go to fellowship?" This could be a yes or no answer, or it could be elaborated upon.

PMosh, don't you think it's time they recognize you as the grown man you are who seems to be pretty successful in his own family? I know it's hard to come out of being the kid. I think my dad still struggles with the fact this his older kids are 40-something and have been out of his house for decades.

[Walk This Way...]

My 2cents:

It sounds like your concern is primarily for them as it should be.

The way should be a secondary topic if discussed at all in your approaching them (unless they bring it up).

I'd let them know your feelings and concerns for them possibly relating those concerns to what you've seen happen to others who left life long commitments behind.

I do wish you the best in connecting with them. Hearts are healed through connection!

[Tzaia]

Why are you avoiding a conversation? I'd just say I noticed some rituals (habits) had changed and what's up with that? They may or may not wish to discuss it.

[Steve!]

P -

I think that your attitude of wanting to make sure they are okay is admirable. It is obvious that you care about them deeply.

But like you said, they are grown ups. They are fully capable of taking care of themselves.

Them being out of TWI is like having an 800 pound gorilla in the room. Everyone knows it's there, but nobody wants to talk about it for fear of upsetting him.

Any time there's an 800 pound gorilla in MY room, I handle it head-on.

"So, you guys out of TWI now?" might be a good conversation starter.

I think the best thing that you can do for them - and pretty much ALL that you SHOULD do for them - is let them know that you are willing to talk about your experiences being newly non-TWI, and what you went through, etc.

It's as if they are moving to a new city, and you have lived in that city a long time - they may need someone to show them around, but I'll bet they want to learn the lay of the land themselves at the same time.

[Twinky]

We've observed that they no longer read the bible every morning, they no longer require us to pray before a meal, they don't use as much wayspeak, and they don't attend any fellowships while we are around.

So my question is, how should I approach the question?

...While that was a liberating experience for me, I don't think that they should. They're the type of people that need to believe in something, and I sort of hope they find some other church or something to help them.

Sounds to me like you may be making assumptions that just aren't justified.

Maybe they don't read the Bible - doesn't mean they don't think about it. If recently left, they may be mulling over what some scriptures really do say/mean.

Maybe they pray silently before a meal. Is TWI going through one of its phases where they are encouraged to use non-jargon words? Maybe they have started to go to some other church and simply do not feel they can discuss it with the rest of you.

Have you told them how much better your own life is since you left? Would it help if you started a conversation along the lines of, "These days, I feel so much more comfortable about.../ I'm learning to listen to God's quiet voice in .../ there was a great song on [the local Christian radio station] today/ The preacher at the church I go to now was preaching about... and it was really refreshing".

Love 'em up and let 'em know there is life after TWI.

Sounds like you don't see them very often. Why don't you just go on over and hang out for a while? Just be "family."

[chockfull]

So how do I initiate dialog without stepping into trap by triggering their TWI-mental-reflexes? I don't want them to suddenly revert if I say something that might make them think I am "off the word" in a drastic way. I want to be careful to not attack TWI in case they end up defensive of it and start to go back. Dealing with innies, or newly ex-innies, can be difficult. I'm curious what you all would do and how you would talk to someone close about it.

I would say that open communication helps develop better relationships between people. Since they have not brought it up to volunteer information if you want that you would have to initiate it. Many times people aren't very good at talking freely to others - there are barriers. You have a barrier of fear here - that somehow asking them about their life might trigger a negative mental reflex. They have a barrier - maybe they are ashamed, hurt, etc. You never know that until talking about it.

I would say basically prepare what you want to ask and ask it. You can always ask "What happened?" questions in various forms, and "How do you feel about that?" and "What are you going to do now?" types of questions without needing to interject a soapbox stand of any kind.

[now I see]

To initiate a conversation about it, it might be as simple as asking, "how's so and so's (innie) doing?"  

Or, "what special events are happening at HQ's for the Household Holidays?"  

Or, "I remember when x, y, z used to happen at this time of year in my old fellowship, or when we used to go to fellowship together, do you remember that?"

If they want to talk, that could be a non intrusive way to start a conversation about twi and their involvement.  If they don't want to talk, or feel uncomfortable, you will find out quickly, if they are not up on current events it will be apparent too, and then you can ask more leading questions.

Hope that helps, there are subtle ways to open up and direct conversations gently and to assure them you mean no harm, their responses will tell you where you can go.  It is good that you're a good listner.

Edited December 16, 2008 by now I see

[waysider]

Just pretend you're "witnessing" to a newbie.

[excathedra]

hi p

when is the last time you talked with or saw your family? do you see them? will you see them soon?

love,ex

[GrouchoMarxJr]

I would be straight forward...I'm sure that they still have "issues" but nevertheless, it sounds healthy to me to bring it to the surface and talk about it...

...maybe you could recommend the GreaseSpot to them?