first of all, don't join an offshoot, in my humble opinion
there will be plenty of love and uplifting stuff, but I don't buy it
--
presently, i talk to God / Jesus ALL the time about EVERYTHING and they have never heaped any verbal abuse on me -- now I can't promise you that it's been likewise :) but they don't seem to mind
I've read a lot about spiritual abuse and manipulation (and other kinds because they're so simliar) and that has helped a lot
It actually depends on you - the kind of abuse you suffered, why and for how long you put up with it, how you dealt with it, what you're going through now, and what you want the outcome to be.
In general (not knowing any of those details about you) I would recommend a therapist who has experience dealing with ex-cult members. If you have supportive family who is out perhaps they can help - if they're supportive.
Don't do anything that feels like you're being forced - it's the same old thing again.
This sounds too easy, but try finding an interest or hobby or develop a skill you didn't have time for in TWI, one that has no TWI memories associated with it.
Hobbies helped hubby and I alot, gave us both creative outlets that were positive. It was something we could do at our own pace, no pressure, and yet we had success in the learning.
By the time we left TWI we were pretty convinced we could do nothing right or without leadership/authority. We had been in 20 years, most of our adult life, and were used to obeying someone else, arranging our time and money o someone else' plan. It was good for us to work at something on our own that we found suited our talents, plan, self evaluate, strengthen weaknesses we ourselves saw, and grow. Good life lessons there -- and no TWI Authoritay voice in the background.
I went through several phases in dealing with verbal abuse after leaving TWI.
My first phase was the "I don't give a sh** what anyone thinks" phase.
I was not very pleasant to be around and had zero tolerance for any crap from anybody. It was kind of rough on the people around me, but it desensitized me to hurtfull words from others.
The next phase was the "laugh it off" phase. I would literally laugh or chuckle when people gave me crap. I started seeing verbal abuse as something that was ultimately powerless unless I allowed it to be. When at work, sometimes a co-worker will talk about an especially nasty customer. I'll remind the co-worker that they will be able to sleep soundly tonight knowing that they are not an @$$hole, but that the nasty customer will not.
The third phase involves my "religious" beliefs, which are based strongly on individual responsibility and the rejection of the belief that there is a spiritual being that I am accountable to or in thrall to.
I'm pretty bulletproof in the verbal abuse category these days.
Sounds like some good advice here ... my interpretation of the above ...
Oakspear
... don't get sucked into any bondage from what others expect of you ... including God
Bramble
... free of that stuff ... go out and enjoy life ... a hobby ... or lots of interests
My3cents
... every case is unique, therapist with cult victim experience, avoid feeling forced
excathedra
... don't jump onto a splinter group
waysider
... old habits die hard ... learn to overcome trained responses
Rhino ... listen to some of these that dealt with this successfully ... it will save you some time and effort and years.
There is a whole world of fun stuff out there ... but also plenty that want to take advantage of good hearted people.
edited to add ... for rascal ... karate ... for me .. a lot of sand volleyball ... sports are great, physical health is improved and the group playing together is fun as well as the building of another social group. We are mostly social animals and do best when involved with society. (instead of being isolated from it)
I agree with Bramble.... start a new hobby. Learn a new skill....embark in a dream that you didn`t have time for...The one thing that I have learned over the years is that there is no *one size fits all* healing. My husband and I had this conversation yesterday....what will help ne, is not necessarily what works for another.
Many people go back to school.
As for us...dog training clubs, horse training, ball teams, I took a stained glass class,
Theatre has been a lot of fun for meeting new friends and integrating into the community, the little country church that we occasionaly attend has had an impact.
I`d have to say though, that out of the many activities that the kids and I have all participated in, that it was studying karate that helped me the most in recovering my sense of dignity and self esteem.
The comradery as we all worked hard under not so pleasant circumstances, to improve ourselves and reach a common goal, the stamina built from working untill exhaustion night after night in not so pleasant circumstances, does a lot lo relieve stress and anxiety, the preparation for competitions for exams...so many things that without realizing it, changed us subtly on the inside. A quiet confidence and strength grew to replace the fear and uncertainty.
I would add to the other things the idea of not doing too much for awhile.
Perhaps follow the 'one year' of getting your thoughts together, relax, rest, take the time to recover from the loss in your life.
Sometimes jumping right into a new spiritual setting might tend to throw one off balance when life isn't ready. Some need that though.
Read things with no index or table of contents, watch the kinds of movies you like and haven't had time (or permission) for, go somewhere you wished you could, have conversations with those you've missed.
It is very unique, very individual.
For me and my family, when we left twi, it had only been one year since my husband died, so we were really not even in good enough shape to do the twi leaving. Then I started college in 2 months, new community, friends, etc., it was a crazy ride, but it also was cathartic in that it was SO differant from 16 years of twi structure, and I did have my parents nearby.
I'd appreciate any advice on ways to recover from all of the verbal abuse heaped on us. If ypu have a story to tell, I'd like to hear it.
Thanks,
finallyunderstand
To me the verbal abuse happened by words that had the power of perceived spiritual authority behind it. What I had to deal with mentally was coming to the conclusion that the spiritual authority was a false one, and was there by people climbing political ladders that were self serving as opposed to what God set up.
Secondly, I realized that as an American citizen I have freedoms that nobody can take away.
Thirdly, I realized that the only power these words had over me were what I allowed. So I made a decision to rightly judge these words as coming from deluded people, and rejected their authority over me.
Fourthly, I started building my own mental patterns, Biblical research, and relationships around the premise that the only authority I would allow to be over me is that which is genuinely from God. I had to change myself from habit patterns of being compliant to false spiritual authority. That was hard work and would have been much easier to ignore or avoid.
I feel more free today than ever before. I am totally convinced that which is truly from Christ produces the fruit of complete spiritual, mental, and emotional freedom.
You might find it helpful as well to consider your own pre-TWI background. If that included verbal abuse or belittling, you have a harder pattern to get out of. If you had a kind and gentle upbringing, you have lots of happier experiences to review and understand that's the way it ought to have been.
Remember that not all "unbelievers" are "copped out" or "possessed" and some of them are genuinely kind and compassionate.
It's a recovery group for people who are affected by the insanity of other people who have made your life miserable by their addiction (in twi's case, their addiction to controlling other people).
I go a couple times a month. It's free group therapy and no one is taking roll.
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excathedra
hmmm
hey, welcome
first of all, don't join an offshoot, in my humble opinion
there will be plenty of love and uplifting stuff, but I don't buy it
--
presently, i talk to God / Jesus ALL the time about EVERYTHING and they have never heaped any verbal abuse on me -- now I can't promise you that it's been likewise :) but they don't seem to mind
I've read a lot about spiritual abuse and manipulation (and other kinds because they're so simliar) and that has helped a lot
counselors -- some good, some bad
i'll have more later
love,ex
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waysider
It's like Pavlov's dogs.
You get so used to a predictable response to it, you find yourself doing the same thing in non-Way circumstances.
(Especially at work)
Unless, of course, you learn to recognize it and exercise some concentrated control over your response.
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coolchef
please try talking to god.
i was just glad when i no longer had to asscoiate with those creeps,
but i did meet a lot of dear people
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My3Cents
It actually depends on you - the kind of abuse you suffered, why and for how long you put up with it, how you dealt with it, what you're going through now, and what you want the outcome to be.
In general (not knowing any of those details about you) I would recommend a therapist who has experience dealing with ex-cult members. If you have supportive family who is out perhaps they can help - if they're supportive.
Don't do anything that feels like you're being forced - it's the same old thing again.
Best wishes on your journey.
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polar bear
I'd read many of the threads here on "about the way".
It's the best advice I've seen.
There are many books suggested here that cover spiritual abuse and recovery. Try the book thread.
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Bramble
This sounds too easy, but try finding an interest or hobby or develop a skill you didn't have time for in TWI, one that has no TWI memories associated with it.
Hobbies helped hubby and I alot, gave us both creative outlets that were positive. It was something we could do at our own pace, no pressure, and yet we had success in the learning.
By the time we left TWI we were pretty convinced we could do nothing right or without leadership/authority. We had been in 20 years, most of our adult life, and were used to obeying someone else, arranging our time and money o someone else' plan. It was good for us to work at something on our own that we found suited our talents, plan, self evaluate, strengthen weaknesses we ourselves saw, and grow. Good life lessons there -- and no TWI Authoritay voice in the background.
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Oakspear
I went through several phases in dealing with verbal abuse after leaving TWI.
My first phase was the "I don't give a sh** what anyone thinks" phase.
I was not very pleasant to be around and had zero tolerance for any crap from anybody. It was kind of rough on the people around me, but it desensitized me to hurtfull words from others.
The next phase was the "laugh it off" phase. I would literally laugh or chuckle when people gave me crap. I started seeing verbal abuse as something that was ultimately powerless unless I allowed it to be. When at work, sometimes a co-worker will talk about an especially nasty customer. I'll remind the co-worker that they will be able to sleep soundly tonight knowing that they are not an @$$hole, but that the nasty customer will not.
The third phase involves my "religious" beliefs, which are based strongly on individual responsibility and the rejection of the belief that there is a spiritual being that I am accountable to or in thrall to.
I'm pretty bulletproof in the verbal abuse category these days.
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rhino
Sounds like some good advice here ... my interpretation of the above ...
Rhino ... listen to some of these that dealt with this successfully ... it will save you some time and effort and years.
There is a whole world of fun stuff out there ... but also plenty that want to take advantage of good hearted people.
edited to add ... for rascal ... karate ... for me .. a lot of sand volleyball ... sports are great, physical health is improved and the group playing together is fun as well as the building of another social group. We are mostly social animals and do best when involved with society. (instead of being isolated from it)
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rascal
I agree with Bramble.... start a new hobby. Learn a new skill....embark in a dream that you didn`t have time for...The one thing that I have learned over the years is that there is no *one size fits all* healing. My husband and I had this conversation yesterday....what will help ne, is not necessarily what works for another.
Many people go back to school.
As for us...dog training clubs, horse training, ball teams, I took a stained glass class,
Theatre has been a lot of fun for meeting new friends and integrating into the community, the little country church that we occasionaly attend has had an impact.
I`d have to say though, that out of the many activities that the kids and I have all participated in, that it was studying karate that helped me the most in recovering my sense of dignity and self esteem.
The comradery as we all worked hard under not so pleasant circumstances, to improve ourselves and reach a common goal, the stamina built from working untill exhaustion night after night in not so pleasant circumstances, does a lot lo relieve stress and anxiety, the preparation for competitions for exams...so many things that without realizing it, changed us subtly on the inside. A quiet confidence and strength grew to replace the fear and uncertainty.
I highly recommend it.
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Shellon
I would add to the other things the idea of not doing too much for awhile.
Perhaps follow the 'one year' of getting your thoughts together, relax, rest, take the time to recover from the loss in your life.
Sometimes jumping right into a new spiritual setting might tend to throw one off balance when life isn't ready. Some need that though.
Read things with no index or table of contents, watch the kinds of movies you like and haven't had time (or permission) for, go somewhere you wished you could, have conversations with those you've missed.
It is very unique, very individual.
For me and my family, when we left twi, it had only been one year since my husband died, so we were really not even in good enough shape to do the twi leaving. Then I started college in 2 months, new community, friends, etc., it was a crazy ride, but it also was cathartic in that it was SO differant from 16 years of twi structure, and I did have my parents nearby.
It was mine, that was the best part.
Good luck on your journeys!
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chockfull
To me the verbal abuse happened by words that had the power of perceived spiritual authority behind it. What I had to deal with mentally was coming to the conclusion that the spiritual authority was a false one, and was there by people climbing political ladders that were self serving as opposed to what God set up.
Secondly, I realized that as an American citizen I have freedoms that nobody can take away.
Thirdly, I realized that the only power these words had over me were what I allowed. So I made a decision to rightly judge these words as coming from deluded people, and rejected their authority over me.
Fourthly, I started building my own mental patterns, Biblical research, and relationships around the premise that the only authority I would allow to be over me is that which is genuinely from God. I had to change myself from habit patterns of being compliant to false spiritual authority. That was hard work and would have been much easier to ignore or avoid.
I feel more free today than ever before. I am totally convinced that which is truly from Christ produces the fruit of complete spiritual, mental, and emotional freedom.
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excathedra
Unfortunately, as of late, I have been a sucker in my secular (snort) life, but I'm a lot faster at recognizing it and bouncing back
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Twinky
You might find it helpful as well to consider your own pre-TWI background. If that included verbal abuse or belittling, you have a harder pattern to get out of. If you had a kind and gentle upbringing, you have lots of happier experiences to review and understand that's the way it ought to have been.
Remember that not all "unbelievers" are "copped out" or "possessed" and some of them are genuinely kind and compassionate.
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waterbuffalo
You might want to try Al Anon.
It's a recovery group for people who are affected by the insanity of other people who have made your life miserable by their addiction (in twi's case, their addiction to controlling other people).
I go a couple times a month. It's free group therapy and no one is taking roll.
wb
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excathedra
Do you have to be 10 minutes early ? ;) ;) ;)
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copenhagen
What about putting a string down to line up the chairs???
copenhagen
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