A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"
Yup…afraid so Spectrum.....Which brings me to another desperate attempt at tying some loose ends of this thread together:
A charming Knock Knock joke walks into a bar. The termites were drooling over the scrumptious looking dark wood of the door. But why did the metallurgist cross the aisle? To get a good look at those knockers.
Yup…afraid so Spectrum.....Which brings me to another desperate attempt at tying some loose ends of this thread together:
A charming Knock Knock joke walks into a bar. The termites were drooling over the scrumptious looking dark wood of the door. But why did the metallurgist cross the aisle? To get a good look at those knockers.
Yup…afraid so Spectrum.....Which brings me to another desperate attempt at tying some loose ends of this thread together:
A charming Knock Knock joke walks into a bar. The termites were drooling over the scrumptious looking dark wood of the door. But why did the metallurgist cross the aisle? To get a good look at those knockers.
An priest, a pastor and a rabbi were discussing how they decide what percent of the offerings they got to keep.
The priest said, "I keep ten percent just like it says in the Old Testament."
The pastor said, "I keep 12% - one percent for each of the twelve apostles."
The rabbi said, "Do something a little differently. I take the offering outside and pray, asking Jehovah to bless it. Then I take the whole offering and I toss it up in the air. I figure that whatever He wants, He'll keep."
This personal story of a preacher was shared by my sister-in-law, Scarlett. In the words of the Reverend himself:
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and, being a typical man, I did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen,""Praise the Lord," and "Glory"!
I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the car door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another,
"I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."
That should be "comic" stream. We are pursuing a state of comic consciousness. :P :D :lol:
You're absolutely right, Mark! Thanks...and I think we've witnessed an age-old principle on this thread - in a multitude of writers there is comedy....or at least the possibility of another groaner [that is the title of this thread, after all].
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Sushi...I need some help on your last one. Don't make me call in George St. George...Are we talking like base proteins, DNA or something? Chemistry isn't my long suit. Heck, science isn't my long suit - just science fiction...and mostly fiction at that.
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JeffSjo
Two peanuts walked into a rowdy bar, one was a salted.
Ham
Old Chionese proverb: Egg Foo yung left out overnight is egg foo old.
RumRunner
WAIT if you have kids around the below is rated M - OK go ahead and read The Brothel The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignifi
Mark Clarke
This quote brought to you by DAM - Mothers Against Dyslexia.
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Sushi
Not really a joke, but, here goes....
Age and treachery will always win out over youth and skill.
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Steveo
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"
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T-Bone
Yup…afraid so Spectrum.....Which brings me to another desperate attempt at tying some loose ends of this thread together:
A charming Knock Knock joke walks into a bar. The termites were drooling over the scrumptious looking dark wood of the door. But why did the metallurgist cross the aisle? To get a good look at those knockers.
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Mark Clarke
Beautiful! Fits like a hand in a glove!
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Sushi
Touche`
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JeffSjo
Good one T-Bone.
game, set, match.
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Steveo
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!
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doojable
An priest, a pastor and a rabbi were discussing how they decide what percent of the offerings they got to keep.
The priest said, "I keep ten percent just like it says in the Old Testament."
The pastor said, "I keep 12% - one percent for each of the twelve apostles."
The rabbi said, "Do something a little differently. I take the offering outside and pray, asking Jehovah to bless it. Then I take the whole offering and I toss it up in the air. I figure that whatever He wants, He'll keep."
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Sushi
Buddha goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything....."
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dmiller
Saw this on another site. Enjoy! ----- >>>
This personal story of a preacher was shared by my sister-in-law, Scarlett. In the words of the Reverend himself:
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and, being a typical man, I did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen,""Praise the Lord," and "Glory"!
I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the car door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another,
"I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."
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Mark Clarke
I LOVE IT!!!
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Sushi
Well, if you like that one..........
Buddha handed the hot dog vendor a twenty dollar bill for his food. After a few uncomfortable seconds, he asks for the rest of the money back.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
The vendor said, "Change comes from within"
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doojable
:D
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T-Bone
~~
Whereupon a man of the Hindu faith, seeing this horrific transaction exclaimed, "Holy cow, you're not actually going to eat that are you?!?!"
[FYI: As a devout Hindu, he only gives out karma apples every Halloween and to date his house has never been egged.]
[edited so as to fit into the cosmic stream of this thread's consciousness]
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Mark Clarke
That should be "comic" stream. We are pursuing a state of comic consciousness. :P :D :lol:
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T-Bone
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Sushi
This is one of my all time favorites....
Two hydrogen atoms meet in the street.
One says to the other, "I think I lost an electron".
Second one says, "Well, are you sure?"
First one says.............
"Yes, I'm "positive"....
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T-Bone
~~
What did the U-235 say inside the warhead as it plummeted to the earth?
"Man, I've got a feeling something really bad is about to happen – let's split!"
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Mark Clarke
T-bone, that joke was a bomb!
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Sushi
Since we seem to be on a scientific bent here.....
What did one base say to the other?
Let's get the 'h' outta here.
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excathedra
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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coolchef
oh ,ex!
good one
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T-Bone
Sushi...I need some help on your last one. Don't make me call in George St. George...Are we talking like base proteins, DNA or something? Chemistry isn't my long suit. Heck, science isn't my long suit - just science fiction...and mostly fiction at that.
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