Two books that I can not recommend highly enough are "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" and "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves". Steve Hassan also has his own website at: http://www.freedomofmind.com/ where you will undoubtedly find some valuable information.
"The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" is great for seeing how TWI twisted scriptures to manipulate us and for alleviating some of the guilt and condemnation that we feel when we leave.
"Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves" is a great book for helping others and self-help. I gave a copy of this book to my therapist after I decided he was the best one to help me (finding a good therapist is important - not just anyone can effectively counsel people in our situation).
I was in my 20's when I got involved with TWI so I had an easier time of getting back to what Steve Hassan calls our "aunthentic self". I think someone raised in TWI or who got involved at an early age and spent most of their life in the thick of things may have a more difficult time than those of us who were only involved for a relatively small percentage of our lives.
Therapy, journaling, developing hobbies (or doing those, "I've always wanted to...." things), talking with "never been TWI" friends and family, doing things that were verboten in TWI... all helped me tremendously. The good patrons here at the GSpot are/were/have been/will be invaluable resources, support and, most importantly - friends throughout my growing pains.
If you decide to buy one of those books (or anything else for that matter) from Amazon, please remember to use Paw's link on the front page of the Cafe so he gets credit for the sale. :) Best wishes for you and your loved one.
JavaJane... I think most of us here feel your pain!!!
I got through it all by:
1) knowing that while I made the mistake of trusting the wrong people, they were the ones who were/are truly messed up, not me
2) spending vast amounts of time venting (here on the boards and through emails, and just to myself in a journal) in order to explore every suppressed thought, and every bit of anger and bitterness; to ask every un-askable question, so none was left lurking inside of me
3) thinking back to right before I got in twi... what were my hobbies, pursuits, interests... who were my friends and why? It was like the twi-years were "lost" years and mentally, emotionally, professionally, I was right back where I started. Once I figured that out and embraced that fact, it was much easier to move forward again with the rest of my life.
I never did go to professional therapy. I was lucky enough to get the "therapy" I needed from this group of crazies and from some very patient email buddies in particular.
Thank you so much for the advice - I think it will help. I was heading to Amazon to buy another book today, anyway, so I will be sure to use the link.
Yeah, it's funny about that "authentic" self bit. Since I was in it since I was a child, it's like trying to figure out who the heck I was/am/want to be for the first time. The real me is a lot different from the person I was, and I still suprise myself. I am a lot more sensitive than I used to be - both in the emotional self category (I get hurt a lot easier than I used to - probably the hard shell coming off) and in the empathic category. I'm not as willing to condemn people as I used to be... But I seem to have lost some of my sarcastic sense of humor along the way, too... and I miss the ridiculous self-assurance of being a part of the "One TRUE Household fo God." BARF... I hate that about myself, but it is true.
And I think I am getting more honest with myself, too....
I'm not as willing to condemn people as I used to be... But I seem to have lost some of my sarcastic sense of humor along the way, too... and I miss the ridiculous self-assurance of being a part of the "One TRUE Household fo God." BARF... I hate that about myself, but it is true.
The sense of "knowing" how the world was layed out and the surety about what was going on around you was a BIG comfort in twi, that's for sure!! I spent a lot time the first years out (it's been eight years now, after 20 years in) wondering if I was making the right choices. But I found a lot of courage in realizing that if I made a mistake it would be MY mistake and I could live with those conseqences a lot easier than when I had to live with the consequences of OTHER PEOPLE's mistakes time and time again.
And the reverse of all that security in knowledge were the threats they put on you that if you screwed up there were going to be dire spiritual consequences. Well, I have made certainly some wrong turns in the past eight years but you know what... I'm not a greasespot yet and I don't expect to be anytime soon! And the more you recognize that reality, the more comfortable and confident you will get, too.
Hmm. So you lost a lot of your sarcastic sense of humor? I FOUND mine after I left der way.. Sometimes I have a hard time turning it off..
I think perhaps one of the hardest things for me to get over was the illusion of intimacy that der ministry offered as a supposed spiritual family. I think that's what sucked me in to begin with.
I just don't think that level of love and commitment is in human nature to begin with.. especially with those not of one's "earthly" familiy.. even some of them leave a lot lacking.
We left at the same time, and it was me who had the worse time of it – probably because I was raised in it. Greasespot helped me a lot, but I was severely depressed and felt completely cut off from the world. It just didn’t seem like anyone out there could really relate except at the café’. I mean, common sense wise, I just seemed to myself like I must be pretty damn stupid to have even gotten involved with this cult in the first place (even though I was a kid at the time) and I must have been even stupider to have stayed in as long as I did! Plus, it seemed like every friend I ever had was in twi… I was isolated and sick.
JavaJave,
I left in the late 80's, then came back in the early 90s and finally left for good in the mid 90s.
I still struggle with depression over it. Before TWI, I was very introverted and going full steam with their program, classes and leadership advices... I really change my lifestyle. I had to be 'out there' to 'move the word'. Crowds alway bothered me (I alway did better in small settings) so the Rock was never fun for me. All my old friends were replace by local believers (most were really nice people), leadership (most were bullies and tyrants... but not all some were really cool too). And the biggest thing was my free time was spent with believers or on the ministry activities.
When I left, I left all my friends, my lifestyle (always having something to do) and my trusting nature. Now I have a very small circle of friends. Gone are the days when I come over that people greet me with hugs. Or the feeling of belonging to something bigger than myself.
I don't know what others did (therapy did not work for me), but I'm still searching for answers. And I'm still hurting.
3. Talking it over with a very very patient ex-Wayfer who really has managed to get his life back together (he was never as deeply in as I was)
But it took around ten miserable years of self-condemnation before I could break out of the mold, before I discovered the Cafe, which I found as a detour on the way back to TWI (waaaa!) (I never got past the Cafe).
Be really positive with your friend and show compassion and respect for any decision (right or clearly wrong). It's really hard to get the brain functioning so that there is some self-confidence and self-assurance.
...what helped me?...and I know this doesn't work for everybody but when I discovered what a bunch of lowlife, lying abusers they were...it was easy to walk away in my mind...
Somethings evolve around different attitudes. For example
In twi we may have held ouselves and others in in twi in higher esteem than we should. Now I have learned not to take myself and others too seriously and to keep my feet on the ground, not any higher or lower than anyone else.
I joined a health club and learned to play racquetball and made some good friends over the years. Joining things you like will put you in touch with people who have similar interests. This will help with the "social" part of once being part of twi. For a while "all" my "friends" were in twi, and we know all to well what happened to those "friends" after we left.
Take time to find out who you are outside of twi and enjoy being you!
Just got done ordering The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. Thanks for the recommendation!
If only I could get my friend to actually READ stuff on Greasespot, I think it would help... but no interest. I don't think they really believe me when I tell them about all of the crap that has happened in twi with VP, all the BOT and BOD, the rapes, the lies, all of it.... Although they agree that twi is messed up and too controlling, I think it is too hard to believe they were actually a part of something that at it's very basis is so very foul and evil. It's hard when they seemingly "helped" you out of your previously messed up life... only to help you right into another one.
I thought the same thing when I first started visiting the cafe a few years back. In fact, I thought everyone was just being way too negative. Now I understand... So many people cannot all have the same basic story and not have some thread of truth to it. The facts are there.
I think reading the deposition of Rosie really helped me realize it was all real. That and the complete inability of any of the WC or other leadership to admit that something HAD happened to cause the lawsuit (we only knew about one)... and it was not a consensual one time affair. Too many things started to fall into place after reading the court documents.
To have your reality just torn into shreds - it's a real mind-f***... And trying to understand that while you had some good things come out of a bad situation, the situation was still bad.
The thinking in twi promoted only makes it worse - the black and white, good or evil thinking. For us or against us... Adversary or God... all of that makes it even more difficult to realize that something bad could cause some "good" in people's lives. People did get off of drugs because of twi. People stopped living on the streets. Friends were made - even some that don't mark and avoid when you don't want to go to fellowship anymore. But it was still "rooted and grounded" in complete sh**, and I don't mean manure. I mean the crap at the bottom of a nasty campground outhouse that makes you want to vomit when the wind blows the wrong way.
Great ideas, everyone. I am taking notes... I think this will help my friend, and by the way things seem to be going, maybe I'll be able to help some others who can wake up and smell the outhouse, because the pile just keeps smelling worse and worse. They have to notice it sooner or later, right?
What helped me tons was talking to those I did not know well who had left TWI. When I left, I had been so engrained with bad things happening to the ones who did (Twi jargon), I had trouble believing it when those I knew well who had left told me their success stories.
I also had lots of family support as well as support from friends. I went to a church a friend of mine whom I trusted belonged to & talked with the minister there at length. After that, I told myself that twi would NOT take away my confidence, my beliefs & my pride. I just refused to let them win.
Once out, I began reading things for myself & discovered a lot of doctrinal error. That helped me quite a lot. I also began to see how I got caught up with them to begin with, addressed that & now I am happier than I have ever been.
What helped me tons was talking to those I did not know well who had left TWI....
I also had lots of family support as well as support from friends. I went to a church a friend of mine whom I trusted belonged to & talked with the minister there at length. After that, I told myself that twi would NOT take away my confidence, my beliefs & my pride. I just refused to let them win.
Support. That's been my problem ever since I left, my support system has alway been almost non-existence since leaving TWI. My family didn't like me being part of the way, and mostly disown me for getting evolve back in the 80s. The few people I still keep in contact with that was "in", don't really want to talk about those days and the impact it had personally.
Does anyone know of any support system out their that might help?
Someone I love is having some difficulty dealing with leaving twi… Not so much in that they didn't want to leave, or perceives it as some great loss to their life, but more that they are having problems just dealing. It seems like their self assurance and confidence have just evaporated...
...I ended up taking some advice to go to a therapist, and that has really helped… Not to say that I am not still affected by the whole experience – I don't think a person really gets over an abusive relationship of any kind that lasts for over a decade with a couple of months' worth of therapy… but I am better than I was.
But now it is affecting someone else I care about, and even though I have been through it, I don't know how to help. What helped all of you?
IMHO, one of the biggest things affected by involvement with TWI is our creative & critical thinking processes. "Good" TWI followers have a misplaced confidence in the mindset they've adopted. Followers are encouraged to absorb rather than analyze. Over time, the thinking "muscles" become atrophied.
Everyone processes things just a little differently. What has helped me the most was talking about it with someone – usually with wife & friends [like the folks at Grease Spot ] – I did seek professional help too. Belle recommended some great books! Getting back to the atrophied thinking "muscles," I recommend Critical Thinking: Tools for Taking Charge of Your Professional and Personal Lifeby Richard Paul & Linda Elder. It's one of the things that's helped me regain confidence in my ability to think clearly.
I go to Al Anon. What does that have to do with getting over a cult? Plenty. It's free group therapy for people getting over codependency (which everyone who was ever in for a long time probably developed, imo) and teaches people through the readings and study groups how to make decisions based on what is best for yourself (which most of us forgot how to do if we ever knew before cult life).
The only requirement is to be bothered by the drinking or drug abuse by a friend or relative. Everyone is twi qualifies because of vp's drinking and our relationship to him, imo. His illness affected us all.
Support. That's been my problem ever since I left, my support system has alway been almost non-existence since leaving TWI. My family didn't like me being part of the way, and mostly disown me for getting evolve back in the 80s. The few people I still keep in contact with that was "in", don't really want to talk about those days and the impact it had personally.
Does anyone know of any support system out their that might help?
Family dynamics is probably a big part of the reason why you got involved initially. Rather than treat you as the Prodigal Son, they are continuing to harbor ill will towards you. That's ok. You probably turned your back on them in a big way. For years I considered my family to be poor saps because they lacked my enlightened viewpoint. Don't think they don't pick up on that. Give them time.
My suggestion is to get involved in some sort of recovery ministry like the Vineyard and don't get so caught up in having to be with people who are "like minded," or who have necessarily shared your experience. For many, involvement in a cult was simply a coping mechanism like drinking and drugs. Take a step back, accept it for what it is, and forgive yourself.
Read up on developing critical thinking and logic skills - not to beat others up, but to become objective about your thought processes.
My copy is filled with page after page of yellow highlighter and comments in the margins... it's like the writers spent years in the corps... very eye-opening!
To have your reality just torn into shreds - it's a real mind-f***...
I was just re-reading this thread and this line stood out to me in a big way, lol.
I think you described that moment of realization perfectly. (I sure remember mine vividly!)
But then, where do you go from there?
Everybody deals with it differently, and you can't force someone to wrestle with things they don't want to face.
I know some folks think they can just turn a corner in their life: that was then, this is now, and the two have nothing to do with each other. I just don't think life works that way. I think it's all connected. But if someone doesn't want to hear it or deal with it they won't, even if you can see the evidence all around them. They won't.
I have a friend who is currently in big-time denial about a destructive situation she's in, and all I know to do is stay in contact and let her know I care, and try to be ready to support her if/when she ever decides to face the truth. And meanwhile, I have also learned that I have to be just defensive/distant enough not to let myself get sucked into her ups and downs that seem to go 'round and 'round and never reach any conclusion.
I know some folks think they can just turn a corner in their life: that was then, this is now, and the two have nothing to do with each other. I just don't think life works that way. I think it's all connected. But if someone doesn't want to hear it or deal with it they won't, even if you can see the evidence all around them. They won't.
Been thinking about this as well... Our past, as much as we may want to forget it and deny it even effects us, is always a part of us. It's a part of our life experiences that make us what we are, for better or worse. I am a former cult member, and I will be affected by that experience for the rest of my life - heck, I was part of it for almost 20 years... the majority of my life. It has to have some effect, right?
While the past may be unpleasant, it at least shows some roads I don't want to go down again... Will probably keep me from getting lost in the future by heading down similar paths. At least I am not ignorant anymore about these sorts of things, and it makes me a lot less judgemental of people (especially judgemental people.)
Been reading the book - and it is great! Thanks to all!
Support. That's been my problem ever since I left, my support system has alway been almost non-existence since leaving TWI. My family didn't like me being part of the way, and mostly disown me for getting evolve back in the 80s. The few people I still keep in contact with that was "in", don't really want to talk about those days and the impact it had personally.
Does anyone know of any support system out their that might help?
I know what you mean. When I left TWI, I knew no one who knew anything about them, so no one could relate to my experiences. It was hard to explain to people who had not experienced it, who tended to just say "oh, it's over so forget it." I found some yahoo groups supposedly for ex-TWI'ers, but had some bad experiences on them. I was recently flamed on one for bringing up a question about TWI, so I promptly decamped. I'd say: stay away from the Yahoo groups. This seems to be a much better place.
Even though it has been a long time since I left TWI, I do find it rewarding to hear others who went through the same thing.
I was fully aware of what was happening at the time , ibut it was still hard not to doubt whether I was doing the right thing by bailing.
I agree, the Yahoo groups ex-way site is sort of different, sort of a social group rather than informational and recovery oriented. There are some posters here who post there too, but it's much smaller and just different than here. Thank god for GS, it was the Rx I needed.
As far as support help, I dunno, I find it hard to tell others about my experience post-twi since m departure impacted me so much, I was devastated, very hard for people who've never been involved with a detrimental religion to empathsize and comprehend. I searched for the answers for 20 years till I found GS. Family doesn't understand, old friends still in splinters don't either, Gspoters would be the support source, other than paying for a good phsycologist that specialized in cults. BTW, there's a forum here, the Archive Forum, with a heading, Getting help for cult dysfunction, which has some very good information.
I agree, the Yahoo groups ex-way site is sort of different, sort of a social group rather than informational and recovery oriented. There are some posters here who post there too, but it's much smaller and just different than here. Thank god for GS, it was the Rx I needed.
As far as support help, I dunno, I find it hard to tell others about my experience post-twi since m departure impacted me so much, I was devastated, very hard for people who've never been involved with a detrimental religion to empathsize and comprehend. I searched for the answers for 20 years till I found GS. Family doesn't understand, old friends still in splinters don't either, Gspoters would be the support source, other than paying for a good phsycologist that specialized in cults. BTW, there's a forum here, the Archive Forum, with a heading, Getting help for cult dysfunction, which has some very good information.
I have found that is true about yahoo groups in general, too. Since they are smaller, they tend to be dominated by a handful of strong personalities who want to dictate the direction of discussions. Even if they say something improper, few people will speak up. This is too much like TWI for me! Larger forums like this are much more helpful. With the larger numbers, you don't see the "ruling cliques" like on the smaller groups, and there is a wider range of subjects discussed. I like GS because there is always a new perspective to see.
It's very true that there are few people you can talk to about TWI who have not witnessed it. A lot of the "get over it" people don't understand this, because they didn't go through it.
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Belle
(((((JavaJane)))))
Hugs to you and your loved one!
Two books that I can not recommend highly enough are "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" and "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves". Steve Hassan also has his own website at: http://www.freedomofmind.com/ where you will undoubtedly find some valuable information.
"The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" is great for seeing how TWI twisted scriptures to manipulate us and for alleviating some of the guilt and condemnation that we feel when we leave.
"Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves" is a great book for helping others and self-help. I gave a copy of this book to my therapist after I decided he was the best one to help me (finding a good therapist is important - not just anyone can effectively counsel people in our situation).
I was in my 20's when I got involved with TWI so I had an easier time of getting back to what Steve Hassan calls our "aunthentic self". I think someone raised in TWI or who got involved at an early age and spent most of their life in the thick of things may have a more difficult time than those of us who were only involved for a relatively small percentage of our lives.
Therapy, journaling, developing hobbies (or doing those, "I've always wanted to...." things), talking with "never been TWI" friends and family, doing things that were verboten in TWI... all helped me tremendously. The good patrons here at the GSpot are/were/have been/will be invaluable resources, support and, most importantly - friends throughout my growing pains.
If you decide to buy one of those books (or anything else for that matter) from Amazon, please remember to use Paw's link on the front page of the Cafe so he gets credit for the sale. :) Best wishes for you and your loved one.
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TheHighWay
JavaJane... I think most of us here feel your pain!!!
I got through it all by:
1) knowing that while I made the mistake of trusting the wrong people, they were the ones who were/are truly messed up, not me
2) spending vast amounts of time venting (here on the boards and through emails, and just to myself in a journal) in order to explore every suppressed thought, and every bit of anger and bitterness; to ask every un-askable question, so none was left lurking inside of me
3) thinking back to right before I got in twi... what were my hobbies, pursuits, interests... who were my friends and why? It was like the twi-years were "lost" years and mentally, emotionally, professionally, I was right back where I started. Once I figured that out and embraced that fact, it was much easier to move forward again with the rest of my life.
I never did go to professional therapy. I was lucky enough to get the "therapy" I needed from this group of crazies and from some very patient email buddies in particular.
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JavaJane
Thank you so much for the advice - I think it will help. I was heading to Amazon to buy another book today, anyway, so I will be sure to use the link.
Yeah, it's funny about that "authentic" self bit. Since I was in it since I was a child, it's like trying to figure out who the heck I was/am/want to be for the first time. The real me is a lot different from the person I was, and I still suprise myself. I am a lot more sensitive than I used to be - both in the emotional self category (I get hurt a lot easier than I used to - probably the hard shell coming off) and in the empathic category. I'm not as willing to condemn people as I used to be... But I seem to have lost some of my sarcastic sense of humor along the way, too... and I miss the ridiculous self-assurance of being a part of the "One TRUE Household fo God." BARF... I hate that about myself, but it is true.
And I think I am getting more honest with myself, too....
Thanks for the advice!
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TheHighWay
The sense of "knowing" how the world was layed out and the surety about what was going on around you was a BIG comfort in twi, that's for sure!! I spent a lot time the first years out (it's been eight years now, after 20 years in) wondering if I was making the right choices. But I found a lot of courage in realizing that if I made a mistake it would be MY mistake and I could live with those conseqences a lot easier than when I had to live with the consequences of OTHER PEOPLE's mistakes time and time again.
And the reverse of all that security in knowledge were the threats they put on you that if you screwed up there were going to be dire spiritual consequences. Well, I have made certainly some wrong turns in the past eight years but you know what... I'm not a greasespot yet and I don't expect to be anytime soon! And the more you recognize that reality, the more comfortable and confident you will get, too.
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Ham
Hmm. So you lost a lot of your sarcastic sense of humor? I FOUND mine after I left der way.. Sometimes I have a hard time turning it off..
I think perhaps one of the hardest things for me to get over was the illusion of intimacy that der ministry offered as a supposed spiritual family. I think that's what sucked me in to begin with.
I just don't think that level of love and commitment is in human nature to begin with.. especially with those not of one's "earthly" familiy.. even some of them leave a lot lacking.
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fooledagainII
JavaJave,
I left in the late 80's, then came back in the early 90s and finally left for good in the mid 90s.
I still struggle with depression over it. Before TWI, I was very introverted and going full steam with their program, classes and leadership advices... I really change my lifestyle. I had to be 'out there' to 'move the word'. Crowds alway bothered me (I alway did better in small settings) so the Rock was never fun for me. All my old friends were replace by local believers (most were really nice people), leadership (most were bullies and tyrants... but not all some were really cool too). And the biggest thing was my free time was spent with believers or on the ministry activities.
When I left, I left all my friends, my lifestyle (always having something to do) and my trusting nature. Now I have a very small circle of friends. Gone are the days when I come over that people greet me with hugs. Or the feeling of belonging to something bigger than myself.
I don't know what others did (therapy did not work for me), but I'm still searching for answers. And I'm still hurting.
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Twinky
Three things:
1. Finding and reading articles at the Cafe
2. Reading the Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse
3. Talking it over with a very very patient ex-Wayfer who really has managed to get his life back together (he was never as deeply in as I was)
But it took around ten miserable years of self-condemnation before I could break out of the mold, before I discovered the Cafe, which I found as a detour on the way back to TWI (waaaa!) (I never got past the Cafe).
Be really positive with your friend and show compassion and respect for any decision (right or clearly wrong). It's really hard to get the brain functioning so that there is some self-confidence and self-assurance.
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GrouchoMarxJr
Not to minimilize the problem...but...
...it's just a thought away.
...what helped me?...and I know this doesn't work for everybody but when I discovered what a bunch of lowlife, lying abusers they were...it was easy to walk away in my mind...
...easy.
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Zshot
Somethings evolve around different attitudes. For example
In twi we may have held ouselves and others in in twi in higher esteem than we should. Now I have learned not to take myself and others too seriously and to keep my feet on the ground, not any higher or lower than anyone else.
I joined a health club and learned to play racquetball and made some good friends over the years. Joining things you like will put you in touch with people who have similar interests. This will help with the "social" part of once being part of twi. For a while "all" my "friends" were in twi, and we know all to well what happened to those "friends" after we left.
Take time to find out who you are outside of twi and enjoy being you!
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JavaJane
Just got done ordering The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. Thanks for the recommendation!
If only I could get my friend to actually READ stuff on Greasespot, I think it would help... but no interest. I don't think they really believe me when I tell them about all of the crap that has happened in twi with VP, all the BOT and BOD, the rapes, the lies, all of it.... Although they agree that twi is messed up and too controlling, I think it is too hard to believe they were actually a part of something that at it's very basis is so very foul and evil. It's hard when they seemingly "helped" you out of your previously messed up life... only to help you right into another one.
I thought the same thing when I first started visiting the cafe a few years back. In fact, I thought everyone was just being way too negative. Now I understand... So many people cannot all have the same basic story and not have some thread of truth to it. The facts are there.
I think reading the deposition of Rosie really helped me realize it was all real. That and the complete inability of any of the WC or other leadership to admit that something HAD happened to cause the lawsuit (we only knew about one)... and it was not a consensual one time affair. Too many things started to fall into place after reading the court documents.
To have your reality just torn into shreds - it's a real mind-f***... And trying to understand that while you had some good things come out of a bad situation, the situation was still bad.
The thinking in twi promoted only makes it worse - the black and white, good or evil thinking. For us or against us... Adversary or God... all of that makes it even more difficult to realize that something bad could cause some "good" in people's lives. People did get off of drugs because of twi. People stopped living on the streets. Friends were made - even some that don't mark and avoid when you don't want to go to fellowship anymore. But it was still "rooted and grounded" in complete sh**, and I don't mean manure. I mean the crap at the bottom of a nasty campground outhouse that makes you want to vomit when the wind blows the wrong way.
Great ideas, everyone. I am taking notes... I think this will help my friend, and by the way things seem to be going, maybe I'll be able to help some others who can wake up and smell the outhouse, because the pile just keeps smelling worse and worse. They have to notice it sooner or later, right?
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Vyctorya911
What helped me tons was talking to those I did not know well who had left TWI. When I left, I had been so engrained with bad things happening to the ones who did (Twi jargon), I had trouble believing it when those I knew well who had left told me their success stories.
I also had lots of family support as well as support from friends. I went to a church a friend of mine whom I trusted belonged to & talked with the minister there at length. After that, I told myself that twi would NOT take away my confidence, my beliefs & my pride. I just refused to let them win.
Once out, I began reading things for myself & discovered a lot of doctrinal error. That helped me quite a lot. I also began to see how I got caught up with them to begin with, addressed that & now I am happier than I have ever been.
Vyctorya
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fooledagainII
Support. That's been my problem ever since I left, my support system has alway been almost non-existence since leaving TWI. My family didn't like me being part of the way, and mostly disown me for getting evolve back in the 80s. The few people I still keep in contact with that was "in", don't really want to talk about those days and the impact it had personally.
Does anyone know of any support system out their that might help?
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polar bear
I know someone who is a professional counselor who used to be with the way. She has helped many who have left.
If she wants that kind of help pm me and I will get your friend in touch with her.
It is hard at first to believe how deep the lies were in twi.
Give her time and love her like a true friend. Just be there and she will come around.
Get her those book suggested. They are very good.
Oh and be sure to tell her "she's not in Kansas anymore."
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T-Bone
IMHO, one of the biggest things affected by involvement with TWI is our creative & critical thinking processes. "Good" TWI followers have a misplaced confidence in the mindset they've adopted. Followers are encouraged to absorb rather than analyze. Over time, the thinking "muscles" become atrophied.
Everyone processes things just a little differently. What has helped me the most was talking about it with someone – usually with wife & friends [like the folks at Grease Spot
] – I did seek professional help too. Belle recommended some great books! Getting back to the atrophied thinking "muscles," I recommend Critical Thinking: Tools for Taking Charge of Your Professional and Personal Life by Richard Paul & Linda Elder. It's one of the things that's helped me regain confidence in my ability to think clearly.
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waterbuffalo
What everyone has said is great.
I go to Al Anon. What does that have to do with getting over a cult? Plenty. It's free group therapy for people getting over codependency (which everyone who was ever in for a long time probably developed, imo) and teaches people through the readings and study groups how to make decisions based on what is best for yourself (which most of us forgot how to do if we ever knew before cult life).
The only requirement is to be bothered by the drinking or drug abuse by a friend or relative. Everyone is twi qualifies because of vp's drinking and our relationship to him, imo. His illness affected us all.
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Tzaia
Family dynamics is probably a big part of the reason why you got involved initially. Rather than treat you as the Prodigal Son, they are continuing to harbor ill will towards you. That's ok. You probably turned your back on them in a big way. For years I considered my family to be poor saps because they lacked my enlightened viewpoint. Don't think they don't pick up on that. Give them time.
My suggestion is to get involved in some sort of recovery ministry like the Vineyard and don't get so caught up in having to be with people who are "like minded," or who have necessarily shared your experience. For many, involvement in a cult was simply a coping mechanism like drinking and drugs. Take a step back, accept it for what it is, and forgive yourself.
Read up on developing critical thinking and logic skills - not to beat others up, but to become objective about your thought processes.
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JavaJane
Got my book today! Can't wait to crack the cover of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse!
Thanks for all the suggestions!
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Twinky
Oh well that's you gone for the next couple of days while you read it...
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TheHighWay
My copy is filled with page after page of yellow highlighter and comments in the margins... it's like the writers spent years in the corps... very eye-opening!
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TheHighWay
I was just re-reading this thread and this line stood out to me in a big way, lol.
I think you described that moment of realization perfectly. (I sure remember mine vividly!)
But then, where do you go from there?
Everybody deals with it differently, and you can't force someone to wrestle with things they don't want to face.
I know some folks think they can just turn a corner in their life: that was then, this is now, and the two have nothing to do with each other. I just don't think life works that way. I think it's all connected. But if someone doesn't want to hear it or deal with it they won't, even if you can see the evidence all around them. They won't.
I have a friend who is currently in big-time denial about a destructive situation she's in, and all I know to do is stay in contact and let her know I care, and try to be ready to support her if/when she ever decides to face the truth. And meanwhile, I have also learned that I have to be just defensive/distant enough not to let myself get sucked into her ups and downs that seem to go 'round and 'round and never reach any conclusion.
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JavaJane
Been thinking about this as well... Our past, as much as we may want to forget it and deny it even effects us, is always a part of us. It's a part of our life experiences that make us what we are, for better or worse. I am a former cult member, and I will be affected by that experience for the rest of my life - heck, I was part of it for almost 20 years... the majority of my life. It has to have some effect, right?
While the past may be unpleasant, it at least shows some roads I don't want to go down again... Will probably keep me from getting lost in the future by heading down similar paths. At least I am not ignorant anymore about these sorts of things, and it makes me a lot less judgemental of people (especially judgemental people.)
Been reading the book - and it is great! Thanks to all!
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DocHoliday
I know what you mean. When I left TWI, I knew no one who knew anything about them, so no one could relate to my experiences. It was hard to explain to people who had not experienced it, who tended to just say "oh, it's over so forget it." I found some yahoo groups supposedly for ex-TWI'ers, but had some bad experiences on them. I was recently flamed on one for bringing up a question about TWI, so I promptly decamped. I'd say: stay away from the Yahoo groups. This seems to be a much better place.
Even though it has been a long time since I left TWI, I do find it rewarding to hear others who went through the same thing.
I was fully aware of what was happening at the time , ibut it was still hard not to doubt whether I was doing the right thing by bailing.
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now I see
I agree, the Yahoo groups ex-way site is sort of different, sort of a social group rather than informational and recovery oriented. There are some posters here who post there too, but it's much smaller and just different than here. Thank god for GS, it was the Rx I needed.
As far as support help, I dunno, I find it hard to tell others about my experience post-twi since m departure impacted me so much, I was devastated, very hard for people who've never been involved with a detrimental religion to empathsize and comprehend. I searched for the answers for 20 years till I found GS. Family doesn't understand, old friends still in splinters don't either, Gspoters would be the support source, other than paying for a good phsycologist that specialized in cults. BTW, there's a forum here, the Archive Forum, with a heading, Getting help for cult dysfunction, which has some very good information.
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DocHoliday
I have found that is true about yahoo groups in general, too. Since they are smaller, they tend to be dominated by a handful of strong personalities who want to dictate the direction of discussions. Even if they say something improper, few people will speak up. This is too much like TWI for me! Larger forums like this are much more helpful. With the larger numbers, you don't see the "ruling cliques" like on the smaller groups, and there is a wider range of subjects discussed. I like GS because there is always a new perspective to see.
It's very true that there are few people you can talk to about TWI who have not witnessed it. A lot of the "get over it" people don't understand this, because they didn't go through it.
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