People who have spent a great deal of time in TWI (or any controlling group, for that matter), have a very difficult time learning to think for themselves. They have turned all their personal power over to the leaders in the group and have allowed them to make all their decisions for them.
Your mother is very vulnerable right now and it has most likely been years since she felt like a whole, intelligent, loveable and deserving person. She has been deferring to your father and TWI leadership for so long that she's not sure how to handle things on her own. She needs a good dose of self-esteem and, as much as possible, to be reminded of who she was and how she was before she turned her life over to others. She does not need that greene jerk or anyone else from TWI to get through this, but you already know that... :) How to help her see it? I don't know but I do know reminding her of all the things she has done and continues to do well and how much you love and support her is a good start.
My mama, when we kiddos lamented about others being "better" than us, or when we would put someone on a pedestal who certainly didn't deserve to be there - she would say, "Their farts stink, too." Just to remind us that everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time - everyone stinks up the john and nobody is any better than we are.
She also used to say, "If you want sympathy you can find it between sh1+ and syphilis in the dictionary," but I don't think that pearl of wisdom is relevant here.
I know you have a lot on your plate, but a great book that helped me get over "way brain" and start thinking for myself (in addition to some really good, professional therapy ) is Steve Hassan's Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves. This book was invaluable to me and it helped me with how to relate to others trapped in way brain. If your library does not have it, ask them to get it for you via inter library loan.
Your brothers are most likely looking for the same thing. They have needs that they can not articulate or put their finger on and TWI always taught that that was a spiritual need and that TWI was the only place to get those needs met, so they are naturally looking for a TWI substitute, when spiritual answers may be the least of what they really long for. It could be a belonging - feeling like they fit in somewhere - learning who they really are and what they really are about. Dunno how old they are, but what helped me was checking out www.meetup.com and looking at all the groups meeting in my area - I picked a few I was interested in and signed up. There is every kind of interest under the sun out there and it's a relatively safe, free and easy way to check something out to see if it really is something you might be interested in.
I've been to everything from writer's meetups to hiking clubs and bellydance meetings to Wicca meetings through www.meetup.com. Sometimes we really just need to find out who we are independent of a church or organized religion.
You're a wonderful person, Nero! I'm definitely praying for you and your family.
Nero. I understand I had a relitive who tried to get me to join the TWI after my mother died I was emonitionly vunerable at that time. I thought he was trying to help me but he had evil intentions. I was strong enough to give myself time to heal. The only thing I can tell you is that you have to be responsible for yourself, I know you are concerned for your family. Be there for them when they need you. It is hard to de-program from a certain way of thinking you can't force them to do anything. You came up to the concolusion that the TWI is not for you. They will have to do the same. There are a lot of people hear like belle. eyeoopen ,pawtucket and others you can chat in privite. There is also a lot of reading material here at the GSC. I will pray for you to be strong. Feel free to vent. Give yourself a chance. Never give up.
Nero. I understand I had a relitive who tried to get me to join the TWI after my mother died I was emonitionly vunerable at that time. I thought he was trying to help me but he had evil intentions. I was strong enough to give myself time to heal. The only thing I can tell you is that you have to be responsible for yourself, I know you are concerned for your family. Be there for them when they need you. It is hard to de-program from a certain way of thinking you can't force them to do anything. You came up to the concolusion that the TWI is not for you. They will have to do the same. There are a lot of people hear like belle. eyeoopen ,pawtucket and others you can chat in privite. There is also a lot of reading material here at the GSC. I will pray for you to be strong. Feel free to vent. Give yourself a chance. Never give up.
Good advice. NY?
Nice to see you.
Nero-----------You sound like a "kid" that any parent should be VERY proud of.
(When you start getting old, everybody's a "kid".)
They need your love and support right now, not a bunch of doctrinal razzle dazzle, mumbo-jumbo.
Just continue to do whatever you can to help them with what needs to happen at the physical level, and deal with the doctrinal, addiction stuff after things settle down.
Who knows? Maybe that stuff will resolve itself anyway.
Nero- ditto to other comments...I think from experience, I can say that my peace during the loss of members of my family brought more to the living around me than getting to emotional in the death process..I allowed myself to feel hurt, to feel the pain, try in my mind to keep my peace(in prayer) to be strong for others..at times I would limit phone calls to family and friends,watching tv, just to make sure I would quiet down on the inside...my quiet time was absolutely necessary..
you sound young...love others as they process this..it is difficult for all.
you can come here and talk with many good people..take special care
I would just hang back and be there for Mom. Live your life, talk to her about withholding judgment of you but to be careful of them.
The above books are good and my favorite was The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.
Mom sounds a little lonely and scared. does she have other friends outside of TWI? Maybe a new network --not a --your all screwed up intervention to meet new friends, but ...going to a new place for maybe volunteering or an actual church (might be to crazy) Sounds mostly like she needs some self-esteem to develop intrinsically from an external activity (kind of like validation without way people doing it, but just for who she is? make sense?)
BTW - I worked on that auditorium for free too....I swept all the trash up for what seemed like forever. (that and the dish room)
Nero... just continue to live love that you are... and you are doing a wonderful 'job' of it... some things just take time for all of us... you're doing fine.
The hospital where your dad is being treated should have social workers who can help your mom find a support group for caregivers. The social worker in the hospital where I worked was a very caring, emphathetic individual who helped a great many families with all kinds of needs. You might want to speak to him/her about something along those lines.
One thing I would suggest, if B*ll Gr**ne does in fact come, is to be ready to love your mom afterward with all the love in your heart. Make sure she knows that your dad has not committed some sin in retaliation for which God has visited him with illness. Make she understands that God loves her and your dad unreservedly no matter what their relationship to TWI. Make sure she believes that God will indeed help her and your dad no matter what this man or anyone else says.
In 1994 when I was diagnosed with diabetes, about 14 people came to see me in the hospital. How many offered to pray with me or minister to me? Zip, zero, zilch, not a one. Someone did ask me a month or so later if I understood what it was that I had done to cause this to happen to me! (was born with a bad set of genes)
Hopefully, the leadership of TWI have come to their spiritual senses regarding this issue. However, if you can be ready for any assault of the above nature, with verses such as John 10:10 and other verses regarding God's healing and God's love, it will be a very good thing for your mom. I don't know where you are regarding God and the Bible, but she is most likely going to need something like this for herself to be able to deal with any garbage that is thrown in her/your dad's direction.
Regarding her not being worthy of a visit from BG, Jesus exhorted his disciples at the last supper to be servants. He said the greatest leader is the greatest servant. This kinda got mucked up in TWI. It is a privilege for HIM to serve HER. That's my stand. And I think I'm in line with the Bible on that one, at least.
I'd also be ready for the opposite. I'd be ready for B*ll Gr3ene to be so loving and that your mom says that TWI has changed and she wants to go back.
I don't think this will work as well if she is surrounded by loving family already. BUT - if she is given a carrot to chase such as, "Come back to God and your believing will save your husband," her love for your dad just might lure her back into the clutches of TWI.
Be genuine with your mom. Be tender and loving. I wouldn't leave her alone with Rev Gr3ene. He may be a great guy (don't know) but why take the chance of someone taking advantage of your mom while she is vulnerable?
Your mom sure is lucky (and blessed) to have you as a son. You seem wise and have lots of love in your heart. I'm glad you are able to be there for your mom, especially at this time with your dad being sick. I will be praying for all of you. God bless, Edi
I think he is decent - I can't remember. I'm horrible with names but great with faces. Someone else is coming down with him. I'm not sure what they are going to do - from the way it sounds - it seems like they might try to do a healing or something. Or attempt to. Whether they said that I'm not sure but mom acts like they are. I'm not sure what Mr. Gr33n promised my mom - or if he promised anything at all. It might be her wishful thinking. If he did promise her something - I hope he knows what he is doing. I do know we'll have to pick up the pieces good or bad.
Mom says that people from TWI tell her he is going to get out of bed (not sure who). We've been trying to be there for her a lot (my family) but she says we are being negative. =( Anything short of him getting out of bed 100% fine is negative. We can suggest a place of rehabilitation when he wakes up, or alternative places for him to stay to give him more time and she sort of freaks out on us. We're trying to remain calm. =(
If something does happen to dad I hope mom doesn't take it the wrong way and blame herself. I also don't want her to go off the deep end and become a religious zealot - she really sounds like one right now. Her current mantra is everyone is against her even though we are trying to do everything we can.
If she can't handle hearing anything other than that he will be 100% - tell her that for now, but do what you can to learn about alternatives for your dad. She will appreciate it if she needs it.
Be healthy even if she can't be.
Take some time for yourself and get away from the madness if you need to.
WG - My mom did talk to a social worker. She's been trying to get things together - but she has been very slow. The problem is - she won't leave dad long enough to do these things quickly (she is afraid the nurses might hurt him) and when my brother stays at the hospital for her - she is so exhausted she sleeps all the time. She won't let us handle anything either.
The doctors and some nurses have been pretty mean to her because of this. =( It's been over three weeks and they really want him put into a nursing facility. My mom wants him to be brought somewhere out of state but it's taking longer and longer because of it.
The one bright ray of hope is one of our childhood friends (our parents are friends too) offered to help my mom. They live right near a home that can house him (in state). Maybe they would let her stay long enough to get a job and get a place of her own or until she can transfer him to the one she wants him to stay in.
Gosh Nero, that is tough. We all know what opportunistic buggers twi members can be. They will use this or any chance to drag someone back ...They usually will find ways to blame this disaster on folks lack of faithfulness...etc. Gosh remember Donna Mart!indales venomous rant about the daughter dying on that air plane crash because her folks left twi???
Your Mom is so vulnerable about now...she so wants to believe for a miracle...twi shows up and says ohhh it`s so easy...just do A + B = C
If she doesn`t agree ...she no doubt will be made to feel responsible for the consequences. No matter what the outcome for your Dad..they win
My heart just aches for her and you guys. I don`t know what can be done to fight this....
Well last night went pretty well. Rev. Bianci and Rev. Gr33n3 were really nice - I now realize who they are (so bad with names!) It's been a while since I've seen them. With the way my mom was going on I thought they were going to storm in there and try to heal him or something. I asked my brother what he made of it - he said that mom is sort of attaching significance to people coming - like they are going to perform a miracle. She called one of our friends from TWI clergy just a bit ago. Mr. G and Mr. B seemed to be there for moral support - we prayed for dad. That was about it.
I'm so glad the visit went well. I will continue in prayer for the situation to improve.
It is very difficult for people who've been TWI'ers for many years to handle this sort of situation, because of the thought that all negative things are brought on by the individual's negative believing. I thought for many years that my unhappiness in my then situation had been sufficiently negative to bring on IDDM. Now I understand that it's genetics, corruptible flesh, and more then a pinch of ".... happens."
The doctors and nurses are being a$$y because they want the bed freed up and it's really nothing personal, just unfortunate. Could your dad could be transferred to another, longer-term ward in the same hospital? Perhaps the social worker could arrange to have a little conference with your mom, your brother and you, (or whoever she wants around for support) in a corner of your dad's room or maybe in a very close by conference room.
My mom was the same way when my dad died suddenly. She wanted no part of any of my suggestions, including a phone call to the doctor who gave him the drug that probably caused his fatal heart attack. She refused to let me speak at the funeral service, and a lame-a$$ed minister who had only met him once did the service. I suspect your mom is staving off any thought of practicality by clinging to the hope that your dad will be okay. And it is certainly is possible that he will be 100%. All things are possible with God.
Stay faithful and positive. I certainly do admire you! You are a wonderful child to your parents.
Honestly, I would help your mom remember YOUR DAD. Help her focus on the man she loves and not the man before her who "needs" healing.
Bring pictures, tell stories, help her see him through the miracle that he is instead of the miracle she wants for him.
All the advice about dealing with the hospital and doctors is excellent, IMO - and WG knows what she's talking about. I know it's a lot to do given all the emotion, but remember your mom ultimately is a woman with a heart in fear of losing the love of her life. Help her focus on that love.
From what I've heard, it helps a lot to keep speaking to your dad. Talk to him about your day and what you remember that you and he did. Give his mind something to attach to.
Mostly, love your mom and your dad. That will do wonders for you as well.
I sort of wish she would listen to me Dooj. I've been trying to do just what you said for three weeks. =( But she seriously won't listen to a thing I say. And I mean nothing. Even when I'm being positive I am against her or negative.
I've been telling her for three weeks that if she thinks that he is still there... that she should talk to him like he is still in there. Like how she talks to him like a baby... I remind her almost everytime I'm in there. Gr33n3 did too after she did it so much. It's so damned aggrivating. I can't seem to say anything right.
If your dad's insurance covers it, he needs to be moved out of state now, rather than later. The costs to do so out of pocket later are astronomical, so if the hospital or insurance is covering it now, do it now. If your mom doesn't have to disrupt her whole life by moving out of state to be with your dad, it probably would help her to have him moved to where she lives.
If your mom is too overwhelmed to handle this stuff right now, maybe you or your
siblings or your uncle or a close friend of the family can help her by handling this one thing for her. Maybe someone can take the responsibility of finding out what the business end of this situation is to eleviate your mom from dealing with everything all at once.
You'll probably need someone to watch over your mom too right now, to be with her to make sure she eats, sleeps, etc., it doesn't sound like she's taking care of herself either. The doctors and nurses probably would appreciate another person in the family to interface with them too if she's emotionally distrought
(who wouldn't be?) with the situation.
You hang in there, be strong for your family, cherish the time you spend with them and your dad.
I understand entirely Nero. I went through something like that this summer with my children's grandparents.
Their grandfather nearly died. While he was in danger, their grandmother was very agreeable, but once it became apparent that he was going to make a full recovery, she became downright mean. It was as if all the stress was finding a way out.
My ex sis-in-law spent some time with a geriatric psychiatrist to learn what her mother was going through.
It's not you dear. It's not that you can't do anything right, it's that she isn't coping well. Find an expert to help you sort through it all, allow you to see your mom through all her defenses. Don't take this personally.
I wish I had more information to give you - but I'm quite out of my league here. I know that my mother was in a semi-coma for years - and we talked to her constantly. That's about the extent of my knowlege other than what I learned this past summer.
Please find a professional to help you sort it out. In the long run, it will help your mom as well.
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Belle
(((((Nero)))))
People who have spent a great deal of time in TWI (or any controlling group, for that matter), have a very difficult time learning to think for themselves. They have turned all their personal power over to the leaders in the group and have allowed them to make all their decisions for them.
Your mother is very vulnerable right now and it has most likely been years since she felt like a whole, intelligent, loveable and deserving person. She has been deferring to your father and TWI leadership for so long that she's not sure how to handle things on her own. She needs a good dose of self-esteem and, as much as possible, to be reminded of who she was and how she was before she turned her life over to others. She does not need that greene jerk or anyone else from TWI to get through this, but you already know that... :) How to help her see it? I don't know but I do know reminding her of all the things she has done and continues to do well and how much you love and support her is a good start.
My mama, when we kiddos lamented about others being "better" than us, or when we would put someone on a pedestal who certainly didn't deserve to be there - she would say, "Their farts stink, too." Just to remind us that everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time - everyone stinks up the john and nobody is any better than we are.
She also used to say, "If you want sympathy you can find it between sh1+ and syphilis in the dictionary," but I don't think that pearl of wisdom is relevant here.
I know you have a lot on your plate, but a great book that helped me get over "way brain" and start thinking for myself (in addition to some really good, professional therapy
) is Steve Hassan's Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves. This book was invaluable to me and it helped me with how to relate to others trapped in way brain. If your library does not have it, ask them to get it for you via inter library loan.
Your brothers are most likely looking for the same thing. They have needs that they can not articulate or put their finger on and TWI always taught that that was a spiritual need and that TWI was the only place to get those needs met, so they are naturally looking for a TWI substitute, when spiritual answers may be the least of what they really long for. It could be a belonging - feeling like they fit in somewhere - learning who they really are and what they really are about. Dunno how old they are, but what helped me was checking out www.meetup.com and looking at all the groups meeting in my area - I picked a few I was interested in and signed up. There is every kind of interest under the sun out there and it's a relatively safe, free and easy way to check something out to see if it really is something you might be interested in.
I've been to everything from writer's meetups to hiking clubs and bellydance meetings to Wicca meetings through www.meetup.com. Sometimes we really just need to find out who we are independent of a church or organized religion.
You're a wonderful person, Nero! I'm definitely praying for you and your family.
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nyunknown
Nero. I understand I had a relitive who tried to get me to join the TWI after my mother died I was emonitionly vunerable at that time. I thought he was trying to help me but he had evil intentions. I was strong enough to give myself time to heal. The only thing I can tell you is that you have to be responsible for yourself, I know you are concerned for your family. Be there for them when they need you. It is hard to de-program from a certain way of thinking you can't force them to do anything. You came up to the concolusion that the TWI is not for you. They will have to do the same. There are a lot of people hear like belle. eyeoopen ,pawtucket and others you can chat in privite. There is also a lot of reading material here at the GSC. I will pray for you to be strong. Feel free to vent. Give yourself a chance. Never give up.
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waysider
Good advice. NY?
Nice to see you.
Nero-----------You sound like a "kid" that any parent should be VERY proud of.
(When you start getting old, everybody's a "kid".)
They need your love and support right now, not a bunch of doctrinal razzle dazzle, mumbo-jumbo.
Just continue to do whatever you can to help them with what needs to happen at the physical level, and deal with the doctrinal, addiction stuff after things settle down.
Who knows? Maybe that stuff will resolve itself anyway.
Just my 2cents.
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likeaneagle
Nero- ditto to other comments...I think from experience, I can say that my peace during the loss of members of my family brought more to the living around me than getting to emotional in the death process..I allowed myself to feel hurt, to feel the pain, try in my mind to keep my peace(in prayer) to be strong for others..at times I would limit phone calls to family and friends,watching tv, just to make sure I would quiet down on the inside...my quiet time was absolutely necessary..
you sound young...love others as they process this..it is difficult for all.
you can come here and talk with many good people..take special care
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washn'wear
I would just hang back and be there for Mom. Live your life, talk to her about withholding judgment of you but to be careful of them.
The above books are good and my favorite was The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.
Mom sounds a little lonely and scared. does she have other friends outside of TWI? Maybe a new network --not a --your all screwed up intervention to meet new friends, but ...going to a new place for maybe volunteering or an actual church (might be to crazy) Sounds mostly like she needs some self-esteem to develop intrinsically from an external activity (kind of like validation without way people doing it, but just for who she is? make sense?)
BTW - I worked on that auditorium for free too....I swept all the trash up for what seemed like forever. (that and the dish room)
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Tom Strange
Nero... just continue to live love that you are... and you are doing a wonderful 'job' of it... some things just take time for all of us... you're doing fine.
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Watered Garden
((((((Nero)))))
The hospital where your dad is being treated should have social workers who can help your mom find a support group for caregivers. The social worker in the hospital where I worked was a very caring, emphathetic individual who helped a great many families with all kinds of needs. You might want to speak to him/her about something along those lines.
One thing I would suggest, if B*ll Gr**ne does in fact come, is to be ready to love your mom afterward with all the love in your heart. Make sure she knows that your dad has not committed some sin in retaliation for which God has visited him with illness. Make she understands that God loves her and your dad unreservedly no matter what their relationship to TWI. Make sure she believes that God will indeed help her and your dad no matter what this man or anyone else says.
In 1994 when I was diagnosed with diabetes, about 14 people came to see me in the hospital. How many offered to pray with me or minister to me? Zip, zero, zilch, not a one. Someone did ask me a month or so later if I understood what it was that I had done to cause this to happen to me! (was born with a bad set of genes)
Hopefully, the leadership of TWI have come to their spiritual senses regarding this issue. However, if you can be ready for any assault of the above nature, with verses such as John 10:10 and other verses regarding God's healing and God's love, it will be a very good thing for your mom. I don't know where you are regarding God and the Bible, but she is most likely going to need something like this for herself to be able to deal with any garbage that is thrown in her/your dad's direction.
Regarding her not being worthy of a visit from BG, Jesus exhorted his disciples at the last supper to be servants. He said the greatest leader is the greatest servant. This kinda got mucked up in TWI. It is a privilege for HIM to serve HER. That's my stand. And I think I'm in line with the Bible on that one, at least.
WG
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doojable
Nero,
I'd also be ready for the opposite. I'd be ready for B*ll Gr3ene to be so loving and that your mom says that TWI has changed and she wants to go back.
I don't think this will work as well if she is surrounded by loving family already. BUT - if she is given a carrot to chase such as, "Come back to God and your believing will save your husband," her love for your dad just might lure her back into the clutches of TWI.
Be genuine with your mom. Be tender and loving. I wouldn't leave her alone with Rev Gr3ene. He may be a great guy (don't know) but why take the chance of someone taking advantage of your mom while she is vulnerable?
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Edi
(((((Nero)))))
Your mom sure is lucky (and blessed) to have you as a son. You seem wise and have lots of love in your heart. I'm glad you are able to be there for your mom, especially at this time with your dad being sick. I will be praying for all of you. God bless,
Edi
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Nero
I think he is decent - I can't remember. I'm horrible with names but great with faces. Someone else is coming down with him. I'm not sure what they are going to do - from the way it sounds - it seems like they might try to do a healing or something. Or attempt to. Whether they said that I'm not sure but mom acts like they are. I'm not sure what Mr. Gr33n promised my mom - or if he promised anything at all. It might be her wishful thinking. If he did promise her something - I hope he knows what he is doing. I do know we'll have to pick up the pieces good or bad.
Mom says that people from TWI tell her he is going to get out of bed (not sure who). We've been trying to be there for her a lot (my family) but she says we are being negative. =( Anything short of him getting out of bed 100% fine is negative. We can suggest a place of rehabilitation when he wakes up, or alternative places for him to stay to give him more time and she sort of freaks out on us. We're trying to remain calm. =(
If something does happen to dad I hope mom doesn't take it the wrong way and blame herself. I also don't want her to go off the deep end and become a religious zealot - she really sounds like one right now. Her current mantra is everyone is against her even though we are trying to do everything we can.
Everything is just so crazy right now. =(
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doojable
Stay calm.
Breathe.
Just be with your mom and love her.
If she can't handle hearing anything other than that he will be 100% - tell her that for now, but do what you can to learn about alternatives for your dad. She will appreciate it if she needs it.
Be healthy even if she can't be.
Take some time for yourself and get away from the madness if you need to.
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Nero
WG - My mom did talk to a social worker. She's been trying to get things together - but she has been very slow. The problem is - she won't leave dad long enough to do these things quickly (she is afraid the nurses might hurt him) and when my brother stays at the hospital for her - she is so exhausted she sleeps all the time. She won't let us handle anything either.
The doctors and some nurses have been pretty mean to her because of this. =( It's been over three weeks and they really want him put into a nursing facility. My mom wants him to be brought somewhere out of state but it's taking longer and longer because of it.
The one bright ray of hope is one of our childhood friends (our parents are friends too) offered to help my mom. They live right near a home that can house him (in state). Maybe they would let her stay long enough to get a job and get a place of her own or until she can transfer him to the one she wants him to stay in.
Thanks again for all the good wishes and prayers.
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rascal
Gosh Nero, that is tough. We all know what opportunistic buggers twi members can be. They will use this or any chance to drag someone back ...They usually will find ways to blame this disaster on folks lack of faithfulness...etc. Gosh remember Donna Mart!indales venomous rant about the daughter dying on that air plane crash because her folks left twi???
Your Mom is so vulnerable about now...she so wants to believe for a miracle...twi shows up and says ohhh it`s so easy...just do A + B = C
If she doesn`t agree ...she no doubt will be made to feel responsible for the consequences. No matter what the outcome for your Dad..they win
My heart just aches for her and you guys. I don`t know what can be done to fight this....
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Nero
Well last night went pretty well. Rev. Bianci and Rev. Gr33n3 were really nice - I now realize who they are (so bad with names!) It's been a while since I've seen them. With the way my mom was going on I thought they were going to storm in there and try to heal him or something. I asked my brother what he made of it - he said that mom is sort of attaching significance to people coming - like they are going to perform a miracle. She called one of our friends from TWI clergy just a bit ago. Mr. G and Mr. B seemed to be there for moral support - we prayed for dad. That was about it.
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Watered Garden
Nero,
I'm so glad the visit went well. I will continue in prayer for the situation to improve.
It is very difficult for people who've been TWI'ers for many years to handle this sort of situation, because of the thought that all negative things are brought on by the individual's negative believing. I thought for many years that my unhappiness in my then situation had been sufficiently negative to bring on IDDM. Now I understand that it's genetics, corruptible flesh, and more then a pinch of ".... happens."
The doctors and nurses are being a$$y because they want the bed freed up and it's really nothing personal, just unfortunate. Could your dad could be transferred to another, longer-term ward in the same hospital? Perhaps the social worker could arrange to have a little conference with your mom, your brother and you, (or whoever she wants around for support) in a corner of your dad's room or maybe in a very close by conference room.
My mom was the same way when my dad died suddenly. She wanted no part of any of my suggestions, including a phone call to the doctor who gave him the drug that probably caused his fatal heart attack. She refused to let me speak at the funeral service, and a lame-a$$ed minister who had only met him once did the service. I suspect your mom is staving off any thought of practicality by clinging to the hope that your dad will be okay. And it is certainly is possible that he will be 100%. All things are possible with God.
Stay faithful and positive. I certainly do admire you! You are a wonderful child to your parents.
WG
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doojable
Honestly, I would help your mom remember YOUR DAD. Help her focus on the man she loves and not the man before her who "needs" healing.
Bring pictures, tell stories, help her see him through the miracle that he is instead of the miracle she wants for him.
All the advice about dealing with the hospital and doctors is excellent, IMO - and WG knows what she's talking about. I know it's a lot to do given all the emotion, but remember your mom ultimately is a woman with a heart in fear of losing the love of her life. Help her focus on that love.
From what I've heard, it helps a lot to keep speaking to your dad. Talk to him about your day and what you remember that you and he did. Give his mind something to attach to.
Mostly, love your mom and your dad. That will do wonders for you as well.
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Nero
I sort of wish she would listen to me Dooj. I've been trying to do just what you said for three weeks. =( But she seriously won't listen to a thing I say. And I mean nothing. Even when I'm being positive I am against her or negative.
I've been telling her for three weeks that if she thinks that he is still there... that she should talk to him like he is still in there. Like how she talks to him like a baby... I remind her almost everytime I'm in there. Gr33n3 did too after she did it so much. It's so damned aggrivating. I can't seem to say anything right.
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now I see
Nero,
If your dad's insurance covers it, he needs to be moved out of state now, rather than later. The costs to do so out of pocket later are astronomical, so if the hospital or insurance is covering it now, do it now. If your mom doesn't have to disrupt her whole life by moving out of state to be with your dad, it probably would help her to have him moved to where she lives.
If your mom is too overwhelmed to handle this stuff right now, maybe you or your
siblings or your uncle or a close friend of the family can help her by handling this one thing for her. Maybe someone can take the responsibility of finding out what the business end of this situation is to eleviate your mom from dealing with everything all at once.
You'll probably need someone to watch over your mom too right now, to be with her to make sure she eats, sleeps, etc., it doesn't sound like she's taking care of herself either. The doctors and nurses probably would appreciate another person in the family to interface with them too if she's emotionally distrought
(who wouldn't be?) with the situation.
You hang in there, be strong for your family, cherish the time you spend with them and your dad.
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doojable
I understand entirely Nero. I went through something like that this summer with my children's grandparents.
Their grandfather nearly died. While he was in danger, their grandmother was very agreeable, but once it became apparent that he was going to make a full recovery, she became downright mean. It was as if all the stress was finding a way out.
My ex sis-in-law spent some time with a geriatric psychiatrist to learn what her mother was going through.
It's not you dear. It's not that you can't do anything right, it's that she isn't coping well. Find an expert to help you sort through it all, allow you to see your mom through all her defenses. Don't take this personally.
I wish I had more information to give you - but I'm quite out of my league here. I know that my mother was in a semi-coma for years - and we talked to her constantly. That's about the extent of my knowlege other than what I learned this past summer.
Please find a professional to help you sort it out. In the long run, it will help your mom as well.
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Watered Garden
((((((Nero))))))
Praying for your mom, your dad, and you...
WG
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