This is simply not the way I see things at all. You fought to find out why that inner voice was screaming at the top of it's lungs.
You went against "company policy" at TWI to find out wtf was going on.
You tried to hold a marriage together and in the midst of it all, while you were struggling to keep all your balls in the air, someone threw a hand grenade at you.
I'm sorry you had to live a double life Belle. =( That must have been very difficult. But like everyone else has said - you are no coward. If anyone - your husband was one for not sticking by you. You were his wife! Maybe it's just the atheist in me talking but: Wife/Husband > Church everytime.
I remember the last time I had a confrontation with someone in the Way (right before I was married actually). They treated my husband like some dangerous posseso. I knew this because of a few key words pumpkin mentioned when he told me what they said to him out of my earshot.
There was no way I was going to put up with them treating him like that - I cussed the bastages out, packed my bro up and left.
Belle, I think that God led you out one step at a time.
Maybe it was time, maybe he knew that your loyalty to your husband and marriage would keep you imprisoned in twi for the rest of your life. Maybe it was necessary to be caught and thrown out, in order for you to be free.
I know that I would have never left. My husband quit, and that meant as the wife, I was spiritually suspect. Fortunately, I didn`t have anybody counceling me to divorce at the time, or I`d a done it..I was told that I had to obey my spouse right or wrong...Oh how I detested him at the time....
My opinion is that God did what he had to to get us out of there. Oh how i wish that I had been smary enough to see the crap, that I had had a chance to play under cover believer like you did.
I lived two lives the whole time I was in TWI.........13 years.......I had already learned how to live 2 lives because of the family I was raised in so my transition into TWI was easy....I just kept living those 2 lives.......
I don't think you are a coward. I think you found yourself face-to-face with a monster, and instead of completely freaking out, you kept yourself together amazingly. I think you were brave and wonderful for trying so hard to keep your marriage together. You are not the one who failed. The people around you failed. They didn't do what they were supposed to do... your spouse did not revere you, twi-leaders did not revere the truth.
Of course, maybe I'm biased, because your story is my story, too. Except my double life lasted less than a year before I got outed, and then divorced. But, honestly, I've talked to other gals who were in very similar situations to you and I, who took different approaches, and it still didn't work. If everything around you is broken, sometimes you just can't fix it.
Thank you. Thank you all. I didn't really start this to be a pity party for me.... guess hindsight's 20/20 and I feel like such a wuss when I look back on that time. It also feels like wasted time - yet a few more years I'll never get back, but could have had if I had acted quicker, bolder, louder....
I do wonder, though, what kind of toll that takes on us in addition to the spiritual abuse, the psychological abuse and everything else we had to deal with. We talk about the other stuff, but this "mask", this "fake persona", it's got to complicate the "who am I?" quest and maybe even cause problems in relationships... *shrug* I dunno. Dunno where I was going with this, either.
I guess that you need to see yourself through OUR eyes then friend.
To us you were a hero. Sneaking behind enemy lines, a thorn in twi`s side, driving them crazy trying to find the mole.
Since then you have been a clear strong voice of reason here at the cafe. A friend and aly to those being bullied, a shoulder to cry on when things got tough....leading the cheering over our accomplishments.
God alone knows the magnitude of your impact on the lives of those struggling in twi and with their post twi issues.
To borrow Z`s phrase ...*girl YOU so totally ROCK! * :)
You know?? You never DID tell us how they caught you...What they did to you...what they said to you...I have always wanted to hear about that part of the story.
Thank you. Thank you all. I didn't really start this to be a pity party for me.... guess hindsight's 20/20 and I feel like such a wuss when I look back on that time. It also feels like wasted time - yet a few more years I'll never get back, but could have had if I had acted quicker, bolder, louder....
I do wonder, though, what kind of toll that takes on us in addition to the spiritual abuse, the psychological abuse and everything else we had to deal with. We talk about the other stuff, but this "mask", this "fake persona", it's got to complicate the "who am I?" quest and maybe even cause problems in relationships... *shrug* I dunno. Dunno where I was going with this, either.
Yup Belle you are a pretty brave lady...doing the whole espionage thing. Me, I'm not so sure that I would have been able to do what you did. But we didn't have the internet back then...it was almost the dark ages after all. So I guess we will never know.
I think I kinda know where you were trying to go here...is there a syndrome associated with living a double life like Stockholming? It seems to me that it would get very confusing for the individual. Some spys forget who they really are and "become" their alter ego. Perhaps that could have been a result for you or others. Then you heap on top of that identity crises a good dose of cult brain and stir vigerously...it aint a martini folks its one confused individual.
But on the good side I found out that you can juggle your own balls....
"while you were struggling to keep all your balls in the air"
BTW as for your little comment (highlighted above) I have this response, "don't be ridiculous!" You did quite a bit and from what I hear you helped a great many people. So you did good, you did what you could and more than was asked, now you just smile and accept the truth.
Belle - its always hard to believe we are right about our gut instinct when we are surrounded by everything that tells us that instinct is wrong. Erosion happens and some people succomb (Stockholm Syndrome counts on that very process)
But
Old Chinese Proverb says
Slander can never hurt the honest person, when the river recedes the rock is still there.
(not sure it doesn't hurt a little, but youget the idea)
The way people were excellent at slandering individusals and families.
Belle - It took courage to do what most of us here did: break off the association with an influence that was not good for us. It was a huge upheaval and took its toll in many ways, depending on our individual constitutions. Currently, I'm reading a book called Battle for the Mind - A Physiology of Conversion and Brain-Washing (How Evangelists, Psychiatrists, Politicians, and Medicine Men can change your beliefs and behavior by William Sargant. This, along with MANY other such books and information about fundamentalism, etc. have helped me understand the complex nature of what we were involved with and how leaving it affects us.
Trust yourself. You very likely did the best you could given the circumstances...remember no one can perfectly navigate difficult situations.
It's Thanksgiving...have an extra slice of pie and a good belly laugh. Both are good medicine for the soul.
Belle, Imagine if everyone had gone on a way corps union strike, as in La Greve ici en France? It would have brought a courageous UNITED FRONT to the abuse of the old brain washing business at hand. A united corps, recognizing the abuse of God’s children at the hands of the evil mog’s. A way corps protest of bad working conditions, living quarters, lousy food rationing, no financial rewards. A complete work and witnessing stop. A syllabus burning with green name tags melting in the Kansas snow. Krystal Nacht in Emporia!
If only the MEN had stood up and said, “No More” brainwashing without retirement benefits!! How many wives would have been saved? <_<
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polar bear
Belle-I don't think you are a coward, you are a hero. You called a spade a spade. Not too many had the guts. Go girl.!
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doojable
"Took the coward's way out"?
This is simply not the way I see things at all. You fought to find out why that inner voice was screaming at the top of it's lungs.
You went against "company policy" at TWI to find out wtf was going on.
You tried to hold a marriage together and in the midst of it all, while you were struggling to keep all your balls in the air, someone threw a hand grenade at you.
It's not cowardly to be smart.
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frank123lol
You are no coward,It took alot of guts to do what you did.Believe me,you contrbute alot here.
Twi was is like being underwater a 100 ft Then you realize you need to breathe...You rush
to the surface as you break free and breathe in that wonderful breath of fresh air...
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Nero
I'm sorry you had to live a double life Belle. =( That must have been very difficult. But like everyone else has said - you are no coward. If anyone - your husband was one for not sticking by you. You were his wife! Maybe it's just the atheist in me talking but: Wife/Husband > Church everytime.
I remember the last time I had a confrontation with someone in the Way (right before I was married actually). They treated my husband like some dangerous posseso. I knew this because of a few key words pumpkin mentioned when he told me what they said to him out of my earshot.
There was no way I was going to put up with them treating him like that - I cussed the bastages out, packed my bro up and left.
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rascal
Belle, I think that God led you out one step at a time.
Maybe it was time, maybe he knew that your loyalty to your husband and marriage would keep you imprisoned in twi for the rest of your life. Maybe it was necessary to be caught and thrown out, in order for you to be free.
I know that I would have never left. My husband quit, and that meant as the wife, I was spiritually suspect. Fortunately, I didn`t have anybody counceling me to divorce at the time, or I`d a done it..I was told that I had to obey my spouse right or wrong...Oh how I detested him at the time....
My opinion is that God did what he had to to get us out of there. Oh how i wish that I had been smary enough to see the crap, that I had had a chance to play under cover believer like you did.
I don`t see where you were not couragious.
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newlife
Belle,
I lived two lives the whole time I was in TWI.........13 years.......I had already learned how to live 2 lives because of the family I was raised in so my transition into TWI was easy....I just kept living those 2 lives.......
I can totally relate to your sharing!
Newlife
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Watered Garden
Sometimes the cost of freedom is high. But the cost of bondage is unbearable.
You have helped more people on this forum than you will ever know. You were doing that even when you were "in."
You're no coward. You're one of my heroes.
WG
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TheHighWay
Belle,
I don't think you are a coward. I think you found yourself face-to-face with a monster, and instead of completely freaking out, you kept yourself together amazingly. I think you were brave and wonderful for trying so hard to keep your marriage together. You are not the one who failed. The people around you failed. They didn't do what they were supposed to do... your spouse did not revere you, twi-leaders did not revere the truth.
Of course, maybe I'm biased, because your story is my story, too. Except my double life lasted less than a year before I got outed, and then divorced. But, honestly, I've talked to other gals who were in very similar situations to you and I, who took different approaches, and it still didn't work. If everything around you is broken, sometimes you just can't fix it.
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Belle
Thank you. Thank you all. I didn't really start this to be a pity party for me.... guess hindsight's 20/20 and I feel like such a wuss when I look back on that time. It also feels like wasted time - yet a few more years I'll never get back, but could have had if I had acted quicker, bolder, louder....
I do wonder, though, what kind of toll that takes on us in addition to the spiritual abuse, the psychological abuse and everything else we had to deal with. We talk about the other stuff, but this "mask", this "fake persona", it's got to complicate the "who am I?" quest and maybe even cause problems in relationships... *shrug* I dunno. Dunno where I was going with this, either.
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rascal
I guess that you need to see yourself through OUR eyes then friend.
To us you were a hero. Sneaking behind enemy lines, a thorn in twi`s side, driving them crazy trying to find the mole.
Since then you have been a clear strong voice of reason here at the cafe. A friend and aly to those being bullied, a shoulder to cry on when things got tough....leading the cheering over our accomplishments.
God alone knows the magnitude of your impact on the lives of those struggling in twi and with their post twi issues.
To borrow Z`s phrase ...*girl YOU so totally ROCK! * :)
You know?? You never DID tell us how they caught you...What they did to you...what they said to you...I have always wanted to hear about that part of the story.
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Ham
Fortunately, most of the stories here have a happier ending than the novel and movie you allude to..
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Eyesopen
Yup Belle you are a pretty brave lady...doing the whole espionage thing. Me, I'm not so sure that I would have been able to do what you did. But we didn't have the internet back then...it was almost the dark ages after all. So I guess we will never know.
I think I kinda know where you were trying to go here...is there a syndrome associated with living a double life like Stockholming? It seems to me that it would get very confusing for the individual. Some spys forget who they really are and "become" their alter ego. Perhaps that could have been a result for you or others. Then you heap on top of that identity crises a good dose of cult brain and stir vigerously...it aint a martini folks its one confused individual.
But on the good side I found out that you can juggle your own balls....
"while you were struggling to keep all your balls in the air"
BTW as for your little comment (highlighted above) I have this response, "don't be ridiculous!" You did quite a bit and from what I hear you helped a great many people. So you did good, you did what you could and more than was asked, now you just smile and accept the truth.
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Ham
About the worst stepford type I met was probably and old limb leader (before they were called coordinators)..
My opinion of the guy.. I thought he had a few brain cells burned out..
whatever portion controls conscience, and serious logical reasoning... something just not there..
who knows, maybe vic recruited them like that..
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washingtonweather
Belle - its always hard to believe we are right about our gut instinct when we are surrounded by everything that tells us that instinct is wrong. Erosion happens and some people succomb (Stockholm Syndrome counts on that very process)
But
Old Chinese Proverb says
Slander can never hurt the honest person, when the river recedes the rock is still there.
(not sure it doesn't hurt a little, but youget the idea)
The way people were excellent at slandering individusals and families.
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penworks
Belle - It took courage to do what most of us here did: break off the association with an influence that was not good for us. It was a huge upheaval and took its toll in many ways, depending on our individual constitutions. Currently, I'm reading a book called Battle for the Mind - A Physiology of Conversion and Brain-Washing (How Evangelists, Psychiatrists, Politicians, and Medicine Men can change your beliefs and behavior by William Sargant. This, along with MANY other such books and information about fundamentalism, etc. have helped me understand the complex nature of what we were involved with and how leaving it affects us.
Trust yourself. You very likely did the best you could given the circumstances...remember no one can perfectly navigate difficult situations.
It's Thanksgiving...have an extra slice of pie and a good belly laugh. Both are good medicine for the soul.
Cheers!
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Bumpy
Belle, Imagine if everyone had gone on a way corps union strike, as in La Greve ici en France? It would have brought a courageous UNITED FRONT to the abuse of the old brain washing business at hand. A united corps, recognizing the abuse of God’s children at the hands of the evil mog’s. A way corps protest of bad working conditions, living quarters, lousy food rationing, no financial rewards. A complete work and witnessing stop. A syllabus burning with green name tags melting in the Kansas snow. Krystal Nacht in Emporia!
If only the MEN had stood up and said, “No More” brainwashing without retirement benefits!! How many wives would have been saved? <_<
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