Here's an example of a recent exchange between me and my boss (I'll call her "Anne" for the sake of the story)...
Anne: Would you please schedule a Quality Meeting for 12pm today and let everybody know about it? Please order food.
Me: Okay.... I've booked Conference Room C for you and placed an order with Food Services for you.
Anne: Okay, that's fine. Thanks.
(12pm goes by...)
(Anne huffs into my office with a speaker phone in hand from telecommunications...)
Anne: You know, you need to remember to set up for meetings for me. I had to run around like a fool setting up equipment and the meeting started late.
Me: You had only told me about the food, which I took care of, but not the equipment...
Anne: You know that you should be at a meeting room 15 minutes before the meeting begins to set up for it.
Me: First off, there was someone in there before your meeting and secondly, you never said you had any other needs but the food.
Anne: Do I have to do everything? I'm trying to help you by reminding you that you need to be at a meeting 15 minutes before it begins. It's to make us look good. We looked unorganized today.
Me: I understand but if you don't tell me what you need, I have no know of knowing.
Anne: I'm only TRYING TO HELP YOU - can't you see that? We looked very disorganized today.
Me: So, is there someway you can tell me what you need, or do I need to assume you need all the equipment set up all the time and for every meeting?
Anne: Don't get mad at me - I'm only trying to remind you of something I've asked from you before. Why are you getting mad?
Me: I'm not mad - I'm just trying to understand what you want because you come in here upset with me about something I didn't even know you needed because you never told me.
Anne: You're always mad at me. You're such an angry person. I'm only trying to help. If you weren't mad, you'd just agree to do it. I'll just to it all myself and when I drop dead I hope you realize you contributed to it.
(And to this day - I have yet to have this woman tell me what she really needs before a meeting - and I see it as HER problem!)
(Yes folks, this conversation really happened - nothing was embellished here - no kidding.)
Chas, I empathize with you. Her problem doesn't sound like p/a to me.
Here's an idea that might help your sanity, Chas, and a way to cover your butt.
Why not make a list of everything she could possibly want at a meeting--general categories only--then everytime she does a meeting and asks only for one thing, you could email her that you've taken care of that one thing whatever it is and then copy and paste your list and ask her if she needs you to take care of anything else in any of those categories or possibly something not listed. Be very sweet/professional/ matter of fact about it.
After a while, she'll catch on because now you will have proof that she didn't ask for anything else and she'll have to move on to another way to antagonize you (probably just as crazy). She sounds like someone I used to work with.
If she'd just said, "You know what? I forgot to tell you what I needed for this meeing. Can you just check with me please 15 minutes before each meeting to ask what I need?"
No problem - I get it.
But don't blame me because you forgot, you didn't tell me, and you don't like looking like a fool because you forgot. Then it's NOT my fault.
If she'd just said, "You know what? I forgot to tell you what I needed for this meeing. Can you just check with me please 15 minutes before each meeting to ask what I need?"
No problem - I get it.
But don't blame me because you forgot, you didn't tell me, and you don't like looking like a fool because you forgot. Then it's NOT my fault.
Well - is there a clinical word for chronic b(tchiness?
But don't blame me because you forgot, you didn't tell me, and you don't like looking like a fool because you forgot. Then it's NOT my fault.
But that's the mark of "leadership" doncha know..
this was typical in der vey as well.. I wonder if upper management likes to put people with these kind of disorders in charge of "normal" people, if not merely to drive them nuts..
Not trying to scare you or anything, but it wouldn't hurt to update your resume and look around. Even if it's to transfer to another dept. and stay with that company (if it's a pretty large one).
Her comments sound pretty calculated to me--not scatterbrained or inadvertent.
this was typical in der vey as well.. I wonder if upper management likes to put people with these kind of disorders in charge of "normal" people, if not merely to drive them nuts..
Hey Squirrelly One,
:blink: There's a BIG difference between "leadership" and "management"! :blink:
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ChasUFarley
Here's an example of a recent exchange between me and my boss (I'll call her "Anne" for the sake of the story)...
Anne: Would you please schedule a Quality Meeting for 12pm today and let everybody know about it? Please order food.
Me: Okay.... I've booked Conference Room C for you and placed an order with Food Services for you.
Anne: Okay, that's fine. Thanks.
(12pm goes by...)
(Anne huffs into my office with a speaker phone in hand from telecommunications...)
Anne: You know, you need to remember to set up for meetings for me. I had to run around like a fool setting up equipment and the meeting started late.
Me: You had only told me about the food, which I took care of, but not the equipment...
Anne: You know that you should be at a meeting room 15 minutes before the meeting begins to set up for it.
Me: First off, there was someone in there before your meeting and secondly, you never said you had any other needs but the food.
Anne: Do I have to do everything? I'm trying to help you by reminding you that you need to be at a meeting 15 minutes before it begins. It's to make us look good. We looked unorganized today.
Me: I understand but if you don't tell me what you need, I have no know of knowing.
Anne: I'm only TRYING TO HELP YOU - can't you see that? We looked very disorganized today.
Me: So, is there someway you can tell me what you need, or do I need to assume you need all the equipment set up all the time and for every meeting?
Anne: Don't get mad at me - I'm only trying to remind you of something I've asked from you before. Why are you getting mad?
Me: I'm not mad - I'm just trying to understand what you want because you come in here upset with me about something I didn't even know you needed because you never told me.
Anne: You're always mad at me. You're such an angry person. I'm only trying to help. If you weren't mad, you'd just agree to do it. I'll just to it all myself and when I drop dead I hope you realize you contributed to it.
(And to this day - I have yet to have this woman tell me what she really needs before a meeting - and I see it as HER problem!)
(Yes folks, this conversation really happened - nothing was embellished here - no kidding.)
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waterbuffalo
Chas, I empathize with you. Her problem doesn't sound like p/a to me.
Here's an idea that might help your sanity, Chas, and a way to cover your butt.
Why not make a list of everything she could possibly want at a meeting--general categories only--then everytime she does a meeting and asks only for one thing, you could email her that you've taken care of that one thing whatever it is and then copy and paste your list and ask her if she needs you to take care of anything else in any of those categories or possibly something not listed. Be very sweet/professional/ matter of fact about it.
After a while, she'll catch on because now you will have proof that she didn't ask for anything else and she'll have to move on to another way to antagonize you (probably just as crazy). She sounds like someone I used to work with.
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doojable
Chas - it really sounds like she wants you to do her thinking and she gets the kudos...
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templelady
And then there is degree
Are you passive agressive in every situation and arena of your life or just in certain situations or with certain people??
PA sure bets dealing with the screamng hissies if you just come out and say no---
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ChasUFarley
The thing that makes this P/A in my book is the (a) lack of ownership; (b) lack of honesty; and © trying to make someone the villian for calling her on it.
If she'd just said, "You know what? I forgot to tell you what I needed for this meeing. Can you just check with me please 15 minutes before each meeting to ask what I need?"
No problem - I get it.
But don't blame me because you forgot, you didn't tell me, and you don't like looking like a fool because you forgot. Then it's NOT my fault.
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doojable
Well - is there a clinical word for chronic b(tchiness?
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waterbuffalo
That's my impression, Chas. And, she has a bad case of it, imo.
I would definitely cover my buttocks in this situation...
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Ham
But that's the mark of "leadership" doncha know..
this was typical in der vey as well.. I wonder if upper management likes to put people with these kind of disorders in charge of "normal" people, if not merely to drive them nuts..
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waterbuffalo
Not trying to scare you or anything, but it wouldn't hurt to update your resume and look around. Even if it's to transfer to another dept. and stay with that company (if it's a pretty large one).
Her comments sound pretty calculated to me--not scatterbrained or inadvertent.
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Rocky
Hey Squirrelly One,
:blink: There's a BIG difference between "leadership" and "management"! :blink:
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Dot Matrix
Yeah, really
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