Lexiograms

[dmiller]

Saw these on another board. Some good ones here. :)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

8. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in

Linoleum Blown Apart.

11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

14. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

16. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

[Suda]

Very enjoyable read. Thanks.

Suda

[T-Bone]

These are great - loved 'em, thanks!

[polar bear]

I liked the poultry in motion one.

I've got one.

What do you call a chiken who crossed the road twice and then rolls in the mud- A dirty double crosser.

[Flow7]

……then there was the lens maker who fell into his vat of molten glass and made a spectacle of himself.

[T-Bone]

A departed hen that haunts a chicken coop is known as a poultrygeist.

[Mark Clarke]

Here are some more:

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a boken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief tripped and fell in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out, free of charge.

If you could take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

A dentist dated a manicurist. They fought tooth and nail.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy, your vote counts; in feudalism, your Count votes.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[Suda]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I'm still laughing over this one.

Suda

[Bumpy]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his foot.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the .... out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his foot.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[doojable]

ROFLMAO! Thanks for that Bumpy! I needed a good laugh to start my day...

[dmiller]

And then there was the Indian who wondered where the sun came from.

So he sat up all night pondering, and suddenly it dawned on him.