When it rains, it pours...

[Cindy!]

As most of you know, in the spring of 2000, I took my four young children (then ages 9,7,6, and 4) and left an abusive 13 year marriage. I got lots of support and encouragement at waydale.com. It helped save my life. But I also got a lot of some very genuine, very timely (lifesavingly so) and very, very hands-on, right where I needed it, day and night, 24/7 help from one person in my Tallahassee, Florida neighborhood that both figuratively and literally saved my life.

In the midst of a particularly poignant (read: emotional) time with her, I said to her: " I don't know how to thank you. I don't know what words to use. I don't know what to do. But you have saved me...how can I thank you?"

Her simple response was: "Pay it forward, girl. If and when you come into contact with someone who has been through anything similar to what you have been through, and if you are in a place in your life where you are able to....I simply want you to pay it forward. Do with them what helped you. Let someone into your life in whom you see shades (if not a whole, detailed rap sheet) of who you are today and what you have been through."

I promised her that I would.

I have taken that promise seriously.

In the past years since leaving that awful marriage, I have encountered hundreds of students of mine, dozens of fellow educators, about that many friends of my children, and lots of other wonderful (and not so wonderful) individuals. I have made many calls to DCFS on behalf of children who could or would not speak up for themselves (some of those kids were very angry with me), yet each case was proved and dealt with and turned out well for the entire family.

OMG....in the last two years, due to the fact that my kids and I are safe, happy, and well loved by Steve! we have been, it seems, to hell and back.

I was hospitalized for a week for depression, my youngest child was hospitalized for a month, my second oldest was in a partial hospitalization program for 2 weeks and then 2 weeks again....all at a behavioral health hospital in our area. We hired a lawyer to get our kids what they needed from schools that would not cooperate. I have had my kids and I in counseling of one form or another ever since I left my ex-husband.

I KNEW that the abuse against me that they witnessed would not easily be erased. Then my ex turned on my second oldest child....the moment he touched her, I packed our .... and left him.

We are all fine now.....our counselors told us it was a very very natural progression. She told me that most cognitive adults realize what they have gone through, exist on survivor mode as long as they need to, and then once they are happy, it erupts like a waiting volcano. My kids and I have been certified by doctors and counselors in excellent shape both physically and mentally.

The "believers" in the area did not contact me after that (except for Matilda, who remains one of my major heroes to this day), that was when I totally dropped their warped thinking and belief patterns.

For my personal journey, it contained not only anti-depressants (which I am now off of), but also blood pressure and thyroid meds due to the depletion in my system by stress.

It is therefore a touch of poetic justice that at the tail end of all of this, I am allowed to 'pay it forward". WHAT a privilege.

One of my kids best friends has been having some problems with her rageaholic, narcissitic mother.

At the beginning of June, I called DCFS. The mom kicked the DCFS worker out so he had to come back with police. The police were toxic to the daughter/minor (best friend to my kid) Sometimes police can be really, really clueless.

Last week, this daughter/minor showed up at my door as a runaway.

I know the law, I know my duties as a mandated DCFS reporter, and I also know this minor.

She is scared out of her wits. Scared for things a kid her age should not be scared for.

I let she and my daughter bond, they needed that time desperately.

However, as those in the social service profession know....I HAD to report her presence.

Yes, it sucks......but then most of the family law standards work harder to guard the parents rather than the kids.

I managed to talk the daughter in to calling DCFS on her own. She wouldn't give her name to them, but she asked them what she should do. (Her parents had kicked her out of the house the night before, threatening to call the police if she did not leave....and then called the police a few hours later to report her as a runaway.)

DCFS told her to turn herself in to law enforcement.

I drove her over.

The officers were wonderful. They kept her mother away from her (her mom admitted to the abuse to the officers) and they put the daughter/minor in my care until DCFS could make a decision.

She spent a lot of time asking me questions, I spent that time answering as best I could.

She was so scared of her mom that she was shaking and crying most of the time.

On her behalf, I went to the Sheriff, the county State Attorney office, put a call into a friend who is a detective in the town she lives, made sure she got medical attention at the hospital for a wrist her mom had damaged , and spent most of the day either on the phone or at the offices of DCFS.

Did all I could.

With the county sheriff at my back.

But....due to paperwork and red tape, she was returned to her mother. (I still cry when I think of that.)

A glimmer of hope exists, though. I am in a Masters Degree program for Mental Health Counseling, so I spoke to the DCFS investigator individually. Services will be put in place by DCFS for supervision and counseling.

Once DCFS is involved in a family that deep, it won't stop.

We are very sad that the daughter had to be returned to her home (though the DCFS investigator DID get her into an evaluation to be in the in-patient ward for adolescents). BUT...we are hopefull that this narcissistic ragaholic will be monitored closely.

Can't tell you how many feelings and emotions this brought forward.

Especially when the minor was telling me that I am her "guardian angel" and she felt she was "imposing".

I gave her the same message that that wonderful person gave me years ago....."I was born to do this. When you are ok and ready, pay it forward. Help someone else. That is all I can ever ask."

For the most part....I've seen kids who are just ignored by parents, or to step it up a bit are yelling at their kids and trying to force them to be whatever the parents were not, and....sadly.....we've seen a lot of abuse.

Here is my question.....those of you who have teens (and, of course, those who do not)...have you seen anything similar to the rash that we have seen lately?????

[dmiller]

Questiion -- if I may?? What is DCFS??

[Cindy!]

DCFS = Department of Children and Family Services

[Bramble]

DCFS= Department of Child and Family Services

I haven't met any abused teens, but we do have a kid practically living with us. The parents have had a huge financial crisis, moved out of their lovely home into a run down old house in a warehouse area.

They have a son, much younger,who is having lots of problems, keeps mom busy--she can't work because child care won't accept him. The boy is getting help, but the older child is kind of left in limbo.

I suggested to mom that kid join my kids in the marching band as a flag twirler, since the child doesn't play an instrument. Turns out, the kid is actually really good at flag twirling( harder than it looks) and is having a blast--they get to travel. Since practice starts at 7 am, kid sleeps over alot so I can transport.

[Cindy!]

Bramble....what a wonderful thing you are doing!!!!

There are just not enough people like you.

The minor I mentioned was hospitalized for five days. In that time my friend who is a police detective in the jurisdictional town and I talked. We have things in motion that we hope will help.

The mom has told the minor that she will be turning custody over to me....I gently cautioned the minor that mom could well be trying to torture her with hope....and then rip it away. She should concentrate on minding her manners, and if/when the mom goes off, keep her wits about her, phone 911 immediately, and stay safe.

[excathedra]

hi chinny !!!!!!!! give my love to steve

i'm amazed at what i hear about regarding middle school kids' families. these kids talk more than in elementary about their home lives !!!!!

i don't know if it's anything new (not in my own experience, that's a definite)

everything was so secretive when i was growing up

i'm glad that has changed

[BikerBabe]

Twirling a flag IS a lot harder than it looks (you are so right there Bramble), plus requires a good memory for all the routines and fast reflexes when another twirler gets too close to you and you have to duck fast or end up getting smacked upside your head with their flag. I got smacked once, trust me, it HURTS!

I twirled thru all my jr high and high school years in the band. I loved it and didn't enjoy playing my clarinet and marching. I changed schools my senior year and was told later that I was the one the graduating squad leader had picked to take her place my senior year. Obviously I didn't get to do that, but just knowing she thought I could lead the flag squad and come up with new routines for the songs that year meant more than words could say to me.