You keep a good stock of matches, because not only do you love, honor and obey the little lady, your wedding vows in church also have a clause that you will provide her with all the furs she ever would want..
The Christmas Season is almost upon us. Once again, we’re going to do our famous live Nativity scene and need volunteers for the following: Three wise men to sit in the ’57 Chevy up on blocks. Attire should be appropriate – camouflage in a red and green pattern. Wise men are to supply their own props – 12 pack of beer and beef jerky – please do not open the beer or eat the beef jerky – these are gifts for the baby Jesus. Mary and Joseph to huddle over the baby Jesus laying in the Sears Kenmore Dryer. This year we’d prefer a woman who is not 7 months pregnant to play Mary. Anyone sporting prominent tattoos may qualify for the role of Joseph as long as the tattoos are in the spirit of the season. We’d like to have Cletus’ bird dog reprise his role as the baby Jesus – since he took so well to napping in the dryer last year.
The Christmas Season is almost upon us. Once again, we’re going to do our famous live Nativity scene and need volunteers for the following: Three wise men to sit in the ’57 Chevy up on blocks. Attire should be appropriate – camouflage in a red and green pattern. Wise men are to supply their own props – 12 pack of beer and beef jerky – please do not open the beer or eat the beef jerky – these are gifts for the baby Jesus. Mary and Joseph to huddle over the baby Jesus laying in the Sears Kenmore Dryer. This year we’d prefer a woman who is not 7 months pregnant to play Mary. Anyone sporting prominent tattoos may qualify for the role of Joseph as long as the tattoos are in the spirit of the season. We’d like to have Cletus’ bird dog reprise his role as the baby Jesus – since he took so well to napping in the dryer last year.
Now why may I ask do I get such a clear picture in my mind of this Nativity scene? Maybe I've seen something like it before..hmm could be...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
When they learn that Jesus fed 5000 people with two fish, folks ask whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
Aint' this a hoot! Being a redneck, I guess this pretty well has us pegged.
You have got to give us rednecks credit cause we can always laugh at ourselves and the only time you will hear us talk about the ACLU is when they play IU.
Most rednecks I know are very hard working, honest folks. They would probably be the first to stop and help you while others just pass you by.
Can you imagine what would happen if this were directed toward any other group.
Having said that..... please keep the jokes coming, I really do enjoy them and maybe I can use them in my next sermon.
I bet my redneck daughters can out spit or fart louder than any of you.
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Eyesopen
Hahahahahahahahah...aaaawwwhaahaaha...snort....hahahahahahaha...snort, snort.....aaawwwwwhahahaha
Thank you Belle! I needed that!
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coolchef
way too funny belle
thanks!!
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Thomas Loy Bumgarner
Communion wine is corn squeszings(spring tonic from the still)
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Ham
You keep a good stock of matches, because not only do you love, honor and obey the little lady, your wedding vows in church also have a clause that you will provide her with all the furs she ever would want..
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RainbowsGirl
ROTFL!
Thank You Belle!
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dmiller
Too true!!!
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Lori
You know your church is redneck if:
Your church offers you beer instead of wine for communion!!!!
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GrouchoMarxJr
You know you're church is redneck if:
If you're mama wears a Harley Tshirt while teaching
Sunday school.
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T-Bone
Great thread, thanks Belle!
At Sunday school your uncle teaches on the Commandments using 10 of his tattoos as visual aids.
Celebrate Good Friday by placing empty beer cans in the shape of a cross – called a “Brewcifix.”
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GrouchoMarxJr
You know your church is redneck is they think "gay marriage" is a couple who laugh a lot while having sex...
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doojable
You know you're in a Redneck Church if they have to get the church bus transmission out of the baptismal once a month.
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T-Bone
On the First Redneck Church Bulletin Board:
The Christmas Season is almost upon us. Once again, we’re going to do our famous live Nativity scene and need volunteers for the following: Three wise men to sit in the ’57 Chevy up on blocks. Attire should be appropriate – camouflage in a red and green pattern. Wise men are to supply their own props – 12 pack of beer and beef jerky – please do not open the beer or eat the beef jerky – these are gifts for the baby Jesus. Mary and Joseph to huddle over the baby Jesus laying in the Sears Kenmore Dryer. This year we’d prefer a woman who is not 7 months pregnant to play Mary. Anyone sporting prominent tattoos may qualify for the role of Joseph as long as the tattoos are in the spirit of the season. We’d like to have Cletus’ bird dog reprise his role as the baby Jesus – since he took so well to napping in the dryer last year.
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Belle
BREWCIFIX
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Eyesopen
Now why may I ask do I get such a clear picture in my mind of this Nativity scene? Maybe I've seen something like it before..hmm could be...
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Raf
When Latino guests show up one week and leave saying, "We neeed to comb bach to dees chursh."
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JustThinking
The church does double duty as one of the following:
General Store
Storm Shelter (including animals)
Cattle auction
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polar bear
Great thread-this sounds like fun.
Your church is a redneck church if-
-the confessional doubles as a photo booth.
-there is more teeth in the sermon in the front row.
-the minister says "git er done" at the end of each exhortation.
-"arm wrestling" is the big draw at church picnics.
-the last supper was "beer and pizza".
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ex70sHouston
This is true. I met some of the members in Mexico.
Its called the church of the lost and found. They meet in a bar on the beach some where in the Carolina's. Church id over and the bar opens.
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mstar1
You might Be a Redneck Wiccan If...
...your idea of a ritual involves drunken chants shouted while
leaping around a garbage fire in your underwear
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GrouchoMarxJr
You know you are in a redneck church if the closing song is "Free bird"...
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Outfield
You think Sherlock Holmes is a
housing project down in Biloxi.
You think a stock tip is
advice on worming' your hogs.
You think TACO BELL is
the Mexican Phone Company
You got stopped by a state trooper.
He asked you if you had an I.D.
And you said, 'Bout What?'
Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
You hooked up with your present girlfriend
as a result of a message on the wall of
the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.
The centerpiece on your dining room table
is an original signed work
by a famous taxidermist.
You think a quarter horse is
a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You think the last words to
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
You believe dual air bags refer
to your wife and mother-in-law.
You think the OJ Trial was a
Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took
You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you
show them your belt buckle.
You think the three primary colors are
John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
Your wife has ever said,
"Come move this transmission
so I can take a bath."
You think loading the dishwasher
means getting your wife drunk.
You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies
are two of the major food groups.
You stare at an orange juice container
because it says, "CONCENTRATE".
YOUR IDEA OF HIGH-QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT
IS A SIX-PACK AND A BUG-ZAPPER.
Anyone in your family died right
after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
That billboard that says,
"SAY NO TO CRACK"
reminds you to pull up your jeans.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Jack Daniels makes your list
of "Most Admired People"
When you was little, your front yard got toilet papered
and your momma thought it was a gift from God.
You think a woman who is
"out of your league"
bowls on a different night.
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jeast
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ex70sHouston
I'll take that bet. I'll even bet you a good bird dog.
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jeast
Oh yeah! I bet you can't top the family harmony!
Ain't this silly?
I've already got a good bird dog. I will have to confess, she still has a little trouble on the landings.
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