This has been a very intense struggle for me. I don't expect anyone to forgive me for what I've done. I don't expect anyone to welcome me with open arms either. I've come to terms that I am hated by everyone that views my face on the Sex Offender Registry. If this has been overly offensive on this forum, I will quietly leave and you will never hear from me again.
Open arms here, anothen. What you said was an act of courage.
Thank you for the honesty.
It was hard for me to admit my alcoholism here as well.
I only have something quick to say because I am pressed for time right now. I would like to make a quick suggestion that may or may not apply to you but I hope you will think about it and even if it seems it doesn't apply to you, put it on your back burner so to speak and let it simmer?
Leaving TWI was not an easy thing to do for many reasons. I was relatively 'young' when I left, early thirties. One of the issues that bothered me was how we were taught that those who 'triped out' would return to their old ways and it would be worse for them. I remember the scripture in Peter about a dog returning to his own vomit and the end being worse than it was before they got involved with TWI.
First of all, reading that scripture in context, it is talking about leadership. NOT your average Christian believer. It is talking about Christian leaders who KNEW what was right and instead turned their backs on the truth of the gospel of Christ and used and exploited the Christian congregation for their own greed and lust. That is what Peter is talking about clouds without rain, tempests and whom the darkest dark is reserved for. Just an indication of what happens to leaders who use and abuse Christians while they are in the position of leadership.
I spoke with Cynthia Kisser when I first got out. I have mentioned that several times. I feared that things would go wrong for me and my husband. That we would return to our old ways, and being teenagers when we became involved in TWI that meant drinking and drugs. It loomed over me as a big fear.
She pointed out that many groups like TWI covertly plant suggestions in our minds that we can't live outside of the group or make us even afraid to attempt to try. We heard of stories how so and so left and got into a car accident, wasn't in fellowship and a tree fell on them (example) how they lost their minds or that they returned to drugs. We were programmed, some more severely than others because some people were less inpenatrable (sp) with these suggestions, but we were programed to self destruct if we ever left TWI, the royal household or whatever gooblygook name they were calling it at the time each person left.
Do you see what I mean? For the longest time I thought there was NO life outside of TWI and that no one could suceed outside of it. I readily accepted that implanted suggestion. It was something I fought and stood against in my own mind and the light of reason and understanding dispelled the darkness that TWI wanted me to believe.
You had a rough road. Know that being outside of TWI or not having a group to fellowship with and not knowing what to believe or what is right is not the end of life, but a beginning. It is a transition we make in our search. You don't have to self destruct or have your life fall to pieces.
If you find yourself entertaining any thoughts along that nature, or find that tape (so to speak) running through the back of your mind, start erasing it. It's a lie.
For many people including myself, true deliverance came when we got out of the darkness of TWI and into the light.
Welcome anothen,,we all have a story on how we were deceived , but as we focus our hearts to the Light and forgive and forget we will continue to change and truly know what our purpose is in serving our Lord.
I wish that my sexual abusers including my grandpa that began at 4 would have told me they were sorry for what was done to me. Reading your honesty and the efforts made to aid in your healing took enormous courage and I thank you for bringing it here to us.
I have my moments/days of wanting to scream or make someone pay for my life have been stolen from repeatedly but they are fewer as each day passes so I know you can overcome the worst of experiences to some degree myself. For me it took unloading the deepest of my secrets which wasn't done here but many of my secrets have been posted through the years of my being a part of this community and I have gained in ways that have added back to my life rather than taken from it like the nightmares had.
I don't agree with everyone here and in fact I know some of the things brought here to be one sided because of my being in the room when the incident occurred or having first hand exposure in another form but I have grown to learn that abuse is a deep impact of which can render the abused with a lifeboat need to hold onto it as they think it happened and am working on backing off of my frustration regarding it being conveyed inaccurately. And I have also stopped reading the way forum because that is where it seems to stir my insides the most and I do it for my personal mental health.
And despite the paragraph above I love this community and pray for them daily because no matter how big or little the abuse was that is something we have in common and we wouldn't come here at all if we didn't still need the strength and friendship of this group.
I welcome you and hope that you find continued healing as you cry and laugh with us.
Welcome to the GS, anothen. I appreciate your story and, though I've not walked in your shoes, I'm glad you had the courage to tell it. That's a big step in deliverance. I hope the GS family can be of help in some way. We're here whenever you need to talk, or need support. May I also say, never give in to the feelings of worthlessness. You are NOT worthless! You ARE precious to the Father. He loves you now, where you're at, and always has His helping hand extended to you, NOT the finger of guilt. You're always welcome here.
Welcome and thank you for being honest about your past.
You could have chosen to hide behind a screenname and never disclosed your crime.
I'm curious... WHY did you feel so compelled to tell us?
Most of your answer is contained in my post. It was tearing me apart.
It needs to start somewhere does it not?
If I could do it, then what about the next Child Sexual Abuser. Part of the problem is the hesitency to come clean and tell someone. As long as it continues to remain repressed, the greater chance that another Child will be Sexually Abused. I want it to stop and I will be on a relentless crusade to be a tool to stop it.
I'm not here to bash you but won't lie that I am leery, even though that may be fodder for you or others to attack or snipe at me. Don't interpret that as "not welcome", okay?
I have my own past to contend with in reading your posts.
I'm a little troubled by some points in your post and where you think you are at now in your deliverance.
How do you do *know* your victim is doing well now? I assume she's about 19 years old now - 11 years isn't as long of a period of time as you'd like to think.
Welcome to the GS, anothen. I appreciate your story and, though I've not walked in your shoes, I'm glad you had the courage to tell it. That's a big step in deliverance. I hope the GS family can be of help in some way. We're here whenever you need to talk, or need support. May I also say, never give in to the feelings of worthlessness. You are NOT worthless! You ARE precious to the Father. He loves you now, where you're at, and always has His helping hand extended to you, NOT the finger of guilt. You're always welcome here.
Thank you for your kind words and I'll take them to heart.
I don't give in to the feelings of worthlessness anymore. It has taken much time and mental work to change my thinking. It's starting to pay off. I have much more confidence now than I did five years ago.
I was surprised when I started going to therapy, of the many things I was taught reminded me of scripture that I had learned.
One of the things that has stayed with me was learning the cause of anxiety. Anxiety is cause by a dwelling on fears of things of the past or things of the future. Neither of which we do not have power to exact a change. We do however have power over the now, of which we have freedom of will and the ability to change our thinking. I've taken it to heart and it works.
I wish that my sexual abusers including my grandpa that began at 4 would have told me they were sorry for what was done to me. Reading your honesty and the efforts made to aid in your healing took enormous courage and I thank you for bringing it here to us.
I have my moments/days of wanting to scream or make someone pay for my life have been stolen from repeatedly but they are fewer as each day passes so I know you can overcome the worst of experiences to some degree myself. For me it took unloading the deepest of my secrets which wasn't done here but many of my secrets have been posted through the years of my being a part of this community and I have gained in ways that have added back to my life rather than taken from it like the nightmares had.
I don't agree with everyone here and in fact I know some of the things brought here to be one sided because of my being in the room when the incident occurred or having first hand exposure in another form but I have grown to learn that abuse is a deep impact of which can render the abused with a lifeboat need to hold onto it as they think it happened and am working on backing off of my frustration regarding it being conveyed inaccurately. And I have also stopped reading the way forum because that is where it seems to stir my insides the most and I do it for my personal mental health.
And despite the paragraph above I love this community and pray for them daily because no matter how big or little the abuse was that is something we have in common and we wouldn't come here at all if we didn't still need the strength and friendship of this group.
I welcome you and hope that you find continued healing as you cry and laugh with us.
Kathy
Thank you CK, your words and honesty mean a lot to me.
It pains me to hear about your abuse. Sometimes I wish you would just tell me you hate my guts for doing what I did. The abuse was awful and had a very adverse effect on your life. If only my meager story of coming clean provided at least a little consolation in the hopes that just maybe your abusers would come clean, then just maybe it might have a purpose. I hope that some day they will and recognize that this is really necessary in healing of Child Sexual Abuse. And that if only one reader of my posts that is Sexually Abusing would recognize this, then just maybe they too would come clean.
Welcome anothen,,we all have a story on how we were deceived , but as we focus our hearts to the Light and forgive and forget we will continue to change and truly know what our purpose is in serving our Lord.
Thank you for your welcome.
I've learned quite a bit about forgiveness. One key factor in forgiveness is that it was primarily designed, and most beneficial to to forgiver. I might be of benefit to the forgivee, but it is primarily for the forgiver.
Like I've said before, I'm not here to receive forgiveness, but I do appreciate your kindness it means a lot.
As for forgetting. No, I will not forget, nor will I repress. It is absolutely necessary that I remember my past, clearly recognize the wrong and the evil, and what caused me to do what I did.
The easiest thing that I've ever received was forgiveness from God. The hardest thing I've ever received was forgiving myself.
I'm not here to bash you but won't lie that I am leery, even though that may be fodder for you or others to attack or snipe at me. Don't interpret that as "not welcome", okay?
I have my own past to contend with in reading your posts.
I'm a little troubled by some points in your post and where you think you are at now in your deliverance.
How do you do *know* your victim is doing well now? I assume she's about 19 years old now - 11 years isn't as long of a period of time as you'd like to think.
I'm not easily bashed, so don't even go there. I was into internet gaming for a time and GS is mild compared to some of the flaming that took place there.
I have spent hours listening to victims vent so it's not like I'm easily upset about anything anyone here in GS could say to me that would be hurtful.
I only know what I've been told about my victim. I'm not allowed to make contact and won't. That's all the information I have about it.
This has not been the struggle though. I am a man and I too have had sexual desires. Sometimes they have got so strong that I have crossed the line. It has got me in trouble and I'm paying for it even to this day. I've spent hours in therapy for several years trying to come to terms with myself. I've tried to hide it. It was too embarrassing to talk about to anyone. I tried really hard to focus on what I thought was biblical during the really tough times. Well the principle was "... light dispels darkness... " and I would spend hours with my nose in the book and countless hours SIT. The feelings though would just become overwhelming. I hated myself at times.
Sorry, but I'm not buying. If I were a moderator here I would have banned you as soon as I saw this post. I may get jumped on for being heartless or unforgiving but there are many men in this world - women too - who have sexual desires and do not cross the line. Being a man, having sexual desires - sounds like you are making excuses, pathetic ones at that.
I have no idea if some or any of your story is true. I have no idea what goes on in the mind of a sexual predator, beyond that they find ways to justify their vile behavior to themselves somehow.
If you had touched one of my children. . . nope, sorry but I just can't offer forgiveness or understanding. I believe sexual predators are mentally ill, to be sure. I also know most of them are never cured of their mental illness. Some, yes, but most no. No way would I risk allowing one into my life on the small chance they might have truly changed.
Thank you CK, your words and honesty mean a lot to me.
It pains me to hear about your abuse. Sometimes I wish you would just tell me you hate my guts for doing what I did. The abuse was awful and had a very adverse effect on your life. If only my meager story of coming clean provided at least a little consolation in the hopes that just maybe your abusers would come clean, then just maybe it might have a purpose. I hope that some day they will and recognize that this is really necessary in healing of Child Sexual Abuse. And that if only one reader of my posts that is Sexually Abusing would recognize this, then just maybe they too would come clean.
My grandmother being the only one that knew of my abuse aside from me and grandpa was a mean person and she treated me like I was less than the dirt she walked on. At graduation from high school her other grandchildren received things like cars from her but I was given a check for 2.00 of which I never cashed just so she would have to be aggravated about it each time she reconciled her check book. Then on her death bed still being the only living person knowing of my abuse aside from me (grandpa had died) she sent me a note wanting me to forgive her yet never saying she was sorry or deserved it. She just wanted me to forgive her because somehow I guess that was going to buy her something in the hereafter. I never replied to her and she died. I have no guilt at all for not forgiving her in the least bit. But I did forgive other abusers of mine without them asking or even deserving it because I had to do it for me. It was not for them in the least bit, it was only for me and it was what I had to do to continue my healing process.
I believe God is big enough to cover the abuser and abused and does so if and when we go to Him for help. But I also know it will never go away in my mind no matter how much I refuse to dwell on my past. I know it still resides. As the victim I had to move forward or I'd taken me out. I've been at the door of suicide more than once and will never return to it because I am healthier now. As the abuser I believe you have to take steps to acknowledge the sickness that dwelled within and seek professional help to come to grips with the whys. I also believe that those who have abused can be a huge part of aiding in the ones trying to break free from that hold which I have accepted as what you are doing here. No question of it there are abusers reading our forum whether they ever register and post or not. As well twi keeps an eye on us and nothing goes unnoticed by them. I rather enjoy the fact they have to use their ABS to pay one of their staff just to read us.
If I had anything to offer you at this point I would be careful in accepting that she is doing quite nicely, until she gets help herself she might be just waiting to hit the wall.
I am glad you came here, this is something no one has done to my knowledge and I believe it will benefit beyond my understanding.
I'm not easily bashed, so don't even go there. I was into internet gaming for a time and GS is mild compared to some of the flaming that took place there.
I have spent hours listening to victims vent so it's not like I'm easily upset about anything anyone here in GS could say to me that would be hurtful.
I only know what I've been told about my victim. I'm not allowed to make contact and won't. That's all the information I have about it.
Her wellness is YOUR ASSUMPTION.
She's breathing and living - so she's "well"... maybe getting good grades in college, has a boyfriend, plays sports. Yup. Great.
You've dismissed the damage you may have done in your reference to time - writing like it was a million years ago - and, as Abigail pointed out, your dismissing your crime like you had an excuse for it, as a man.
How delivered are you?
Do you still *think* about children - faceless or otherwise?
your not the victim so stop trying to evoke some understanding or sympathy to "christians.
you comminted a crime you will be hated for. and I believe rightfully so.
the fact your not dead is the very grace of God.
you can speak to your own type of sexual deviant all you want and I really do pray to God no one is reading you and gaining anything to go on forums and feel like a hero because you turned you own self in.
the odds are more than one victim is out there and you turned yourself in because you knew she would tell on you or someone eles threatened you to turn you in.
do not pat yourself on the back or cry your self esteem isssues to me your a creep and hated by our society for a reason.
Dmiller
alcoholism is not the same as lusting after children sexualy.
many can be hurt by a loved ones addiction it is a issue in life that basicly destroys the individual if allowed to consume.
you do not victimize anyone with your problem i get you know shame.. but this guy problem is not a cultural issue it is a behaviour that is sick and ingrained and most probably the reason he wants to come on here and see who will forgive him and "understand" and cosnider his ideal of being a hero.. because he claims to have turned himself in is because in the real world few will buy into the lies and deception theses freaks generate and this is all he has left.
did i hurt your feelings? anothen? to freaking bad .
My grandmother being the only one that knew of my abuse aside from me and grandpa was a mean person and she treated me like I was less than the dirt she walked on. At graduation from high school her other grandchildren received things like cars from her but I was given a check for 2.00 of which I never cashed just so she would have to be aggravated about it each time she reconciled her check book. Then on her death bed still being the only living person knowing of my abuse aside from me (grandpa had died) she sent me a note wanting me to forgive her yet never saying she was sorry or deserved it. She just wanted me to forgive her because somehow I guess that was going to buy her something in the hereafter. I never replied to her and she died. I have no guilt at all for not forgiving her in the least bit. But I did forgive other abusers of mine without them asking or even deserving it because I had to do it for me. It was not for them in the least bit, it was only for me and it was what I had to do to continue my healing process.
I believe God is big enough to cover the abuser and abused and does so if and when we go to Him for help. But I also know it will never go away in my mind no matter how much I refuse to dwell on my past. I know it still resides. As the victim I had to move forward or I'd taken me out. I've been at the door of suicide more than once and will never return to it because I am healthier now. As the abuser I believe you have to take steps to acknowledge the sickness that dwelled within and seek professional help to come to grips with the whys. I also believe that those who have abused can be a huge part of aiding in the ones trying to break free from that hold which I have accepted as what you are doing here. No question of it there are abusers reading our forum whether they ever register and post or not. As well twi keeps an eye on us and nothing goes unnoticed by them. I rather enjoy the fact they have to use their ABS to pay one of their staff just to read us.
If I had anything to offer you at this point I would be careful in accepting that she is doing quite nicely, until she gets help herself she might be just waiting to hit the wall.
I am glad you came here, this is something no one has done to my knowledge and I believe it will benefit beyond my understanding.
(((((((((((((Kathy))))))))))))))))))))))) I cannot find any real words right now..............except I Love You very very much and wish I could erase your pain; and I am so very proud thatyou're my brave beyond words, sister! I am so glad that nobody could pushed you over the edge! You have a heart of purest gold and awesome strength; You are the definition of kindness and concern...and oh OMG how I wish someone had watched over You...Just half as well as You watch over all of us here! With remarkable tenderness and love!
Love You, (((((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))))))))), RG
I'm glad that God is the forgiver and not us humans because if left up to us some would damn us to hell for our sins and feel like they were justified until the day they awoke to their Master and He informed then He never made them boss.
I think this man needs to consider the damage done to the girl WITHOUT question and I see he's getting sufficient council regarding it.
I also think this man needs to CONTINUE a form of therapy if there are any residual thoughts it was in any way just a man's privates doing the thinking.
And right here and now if someone comes on and jumps down my throat because this is a family forum then you better start reading this place a little better. IT IS NOT A CHILD'S FORUM!!!!!
I also know this and that is some cling to the perpetual victim thinking as if it were their badge of honor (ever hear me say that before, uh huh, about a million times) and MYSELF being a victim am sickened by the abused as much as the abuser when it is continually brought up. It CALLS ME A LIAR each and every time it is paraded about here. IF I who was abused, raped, beaten and verbally treated like crap can recover then so can ANYONE!!!!!
Am I perfect? Hell no! Am I still somewhat over the top in the sex department? Hell yes! But I am also not going to stand on my right to cry "oh poor me, I was so abused, please kiss it and make it better ever freaking day".
My gawd! I swear this just enrages me as much as having a man on top of me taking me against my will!!!!!!!!!!!!
I also know this and that is some cling to the perpetual victim thinking as if it were their badge of honor (ever hear me say that before, uh huh, about a million times) and MYSELF being a victim am sickened by the abused as much as the abuser when it is continually brought up. It CALLS ME A LIAR each and every time it is paraded about here. IF I who was abused, raped, beaten and verbally treated like crap can recover then so can ANYONE!!!!!
Am I perfect? Hell no! Am I still somewhat over the top in the sex department? Hell yes! But I am also not going to stand on my right to cry "oh poor me, I was so abused, please kiss it and make it better ever freaking day".
Well I too have been a victim and I wear no badge because of it. But it did allow me an up close and intimate view of how at least one perpetrator thought and justified his behavior. So, I do not cry poor me, but I will not offer a poor you to a perp either. Especially in light of the post here.
Start with the thread name "hard for ME to come clean"
then move through the post . . .
'
I have a hard time posting in this forum because of my own conscience is just tearing me up.
Is he concerned about anyone else here? Or simply his own conscience? Does he care that merely his presence here could hurt others, leave others afraid to post?
I am a man and I too have had sexual desires
The point? Would any of us think another human being doesn't have sexual desires? Its a justification, a rationalization. I did it because I am a man - I did it because I had a desire. .... - lots of people have desires - lots of men have desires but they don't force themselves on unwilling people, they don't molest children.
It has got me in trouble and I'm paying for it even to this day.
Sound a bit like a victim card to me? What about the girl who was molested? He says simply he "hears she is doing well" as if that makes it all okay. ..... Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. Either way, his remorse sounds more like an "I am sorry I got in trouble for this" than an "I am sorry I hurt someone".
He got three years probation, she had her innocense stolen, perhaps for life.
One major trait that will allow an offender to be an offender is selfishness/an overly high focus on self, a lack of concern for the victim.
Something to think about Kathy, and I speak boldly to you because we are friends and I care . . . people who have been victims of abuse, sexual or otherwise, often become overly empathetic with other people. Their boundary lines are blurred. Predators who see that empathy in you will take advantage of it.
Is Antho still a predator? I can't say for a certainty that he is. But I also can't say for a certainty that he isn't either. I realize this is the internet and he can't jump through his computer and "get" me, you, our children, or anyone else if he is never allowed access to our lives outside this forum.
But answer me this, would you leave him alone with your daughter? I know I wouldn't. Nor would I invite him into my home or give him any information even remotely personal. Nor would I even give him room in my emotions to feel sorry for him. Why? Because it is all too easy to allow someone who is adquately skilled at it, to play upon your emotions and slowly gain more and more access to your life.
In TWI, many probably most of us allowed the leadership to move our boundaries back further and further. Sexual predators do the same thing. A forum full of ex-wayfers is just ripe for a predator who knows how to play on your sympathies.
It isn't about forgiveness. Antho has done nothing to me and needs no forgiveness from me. It is about healthy boundaries. It is about not allowing a known predator into my life.
This has not been the struggle though. I am a man and I too have had sexual desires. Sometimes they have got so strong that I have crossed the line. It has got me in trouble and I'm paying for it even to this day. I've spent hours in therapy for several years trying to come to terms with myself. I've tried to hide it. It was too embarrassing to talk about to anyone. I tried really hard to focus on what I thought was biblical during the really tough times. Well the principle was "... light dispels darkness... " and I would spend hours with my nose in the book and countless hours SIT. The feelings though would just become overwhelming. I hated myself at times.
The summer before I crossed the line I was intensely studying Samuel. During my study I noticed there were two kings, David and Saul. Both men were great. Both men were anointed and chosen by God through Samuel. However one fell and the other reined. Both men screwed up really bad, but David reined and Saul fell. If I had chosen which one screwed up the worst, I would have chose David. However Saul fell because three times he disobeyed God and refused to come clean when confronted. David however came clean when confronted. This stuck with me like nothing else ever did in the bible.
When I got myself in trouble, I decided to turn myself in and come clean because of this record in the bible. For three days after I was in a mental turmoil over this scripture. I could have just ran away, and I really tried to, but this scriptural record continued to rip a hole in my soul. I turned myself in and came clean. I spent about eight months in jail. I was on suicide watch for about six weeks. I just wanted to die. Even to this day I have to watch what I'm thinking because of it. It has been a major spiritual battle for me to conclude that what I did was the right thing to do. I was placed on three years of probation and I've had to register as a Sex Offender. Humiliating? Yes. But I have accepted this as consequences of my actions. My victim was nine years old and I only fondled her. But that was enough to be what is considered, crossing the line. The last I heard, she only suffered a little embarrassment and recovered quite nicely. Her mother however suffered the worst. I don't think she ever will recover for what I did. It pains me even now trying to talk about it.
This was about eleven years ago. I've had to overhaul my believing several times since then. The primary one is simply acknowledging that it was even possible for VP to have done some of the things I have read in this forum. When I first heard about it, I refused to believe such a thing. I've talked to others that were deeply involved in TWI at the time and they said it was impossible. This has been another struggle. I could choose to remain neutral, but I won't. I acknowledge that the evidence is clear and that there were more than two eyewitnesses.
The reason I am taking this stance is because many sexual abuse victims feel helpless because people refuse to believe them and that many times, they are either afraid to tell or do not have someone to tell. I am saying that I believe you and that this was an awful thing. It was bad, it was evil, it was wrong, and that you have suffered as a result. I also wish that you could beat the hell out of me so you would feel better for what they did to you. A part of you was stolen. A part of your life was ripped from you. You did not deserve the abuse.
Anothen,
A 9-year-old girl may appear to "only suffer a little embarrassment" , but the damage you've done probably won't show up until her teen years. She will remember it because she wasn't that young.
I hope you keep yourself in the shoes of that girl and her mother. You can't take back what you did. You will never be able to repay them for what you took away.
I hope this torment does stay with you the rest of your life if that's what keeps you from doing it again. You know statistics show that there is not a very high recovery rate for your problem. If you are successful, praise God.
I really think you should have been talking to a therapist instead of bringing it up here. This is a heavy issue and people have strong feelings, especially mothers with children, when it comes to protecting their young.
It's not something people take lightly.
I do wish you well if you really want to come clean...
My work load has pulled me away and I can't even read your whole post to me with any understanding due to needing to get back to it here but one thing I have never considered you as and that is a victim. You have always been a rock solid soul that lays it out as you see it and takes it with grace if given out to you.
I will read you and answer as soon as I can. I just had to let you know I can't right now.
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TheInvisibleDan
Welcome to Greasespot, Anothen.
Danny
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dmiller
Open arms here, anothen. What you said was an act of courage.
Thank you for the honesty.
It was hard for me to admit my alcoholism here as well.
Stick around. You're (more than) ok in my book.
David
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RainbowsGirl
Dear(((((((((((((((((((( Anothen)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))),
That took an extreme amount of courage...Please always have the courage to continue on with your life as it is now! Stay Strong!
A lot of people love You; and most of all God and Jesus Christ, and then there is me!
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FullCircle
Hello.
I only have something quick to say because I am pressed for time right now. I would like to make a quick suggestion that may or may not apply to you but I hope you will think about it and even if it seems it doesn't apply to you, put it on your back burner so to speak and let it simmer?
Leaving TWI was not an easy thing to do for many reasons. I was relatively 'young' when I left, early thirties. One of the issues that bothered me was how we were taught that those who 'triped out' would return to their old ways and it would be worse for them. I remember the scripture in Peter about a dog returning to his own vomit and the end being worse than it was before they got involved with TWI.
First of all, reading that scripture in context, it is talking about leadership. NOT your average Christian believer. It is talking about Christian leaders who KNEW what was right and instead turned their backs on the truth of the gospel of Christ and used and exploited the Christian congregation for their own greed and lust. That is what Peter is talking about clouds without rain, tempests and whom the darkest dark is reserved for. Just an indication of what happens to leaders who use and abuse Christians while they are in the position of leadership.
I spoke with Cynthia Kisser when I first got out. I have mentioned that several times. I feared that things would go wrong for me and my husband. That we would return to our old ways, and being teenagers when we became involved in TWI that meant drinking and drugs. It loomed over me as a big fear.
She pointed out that many groups like TWI covertly plant suggestions in our minds that we can't live outside of the group or make us even afraid to attempt to try. We heard of stories how so and so left and got into a car accident, wasn't in fellowship and a tree fell on them (example) how they lost their minds or that they returned to drugs. We were programmed, some more severely than others because some people were less inpenatrable (sp) with these suggestions, but we were programed to self destruct if we ever left TWI, the royal household or whatever gooblygook name they were calling it at the time each person left.
Do you see what I mean? For the longest time I thought there was NO life outside of TWI and that no one could suceed outside of it. I readily accepted that implanted suggestion. It was something I fought and stood against in my own mind and the light of reason and understanding dispelled the darkness that TWI wanted me to believe.
You had a rough road. Know that being outside of TWI or not having a group to fellowship with and not knowing what to believe or what is right is not the end of life, but a beginning. It is a transition we make in our search. You don't have to self destruct or have your life fall to pieces.
If you find yourself entertaining any thoughts along that nature, or find that tape (so to speak) running through the back of your mind, start erasing it. It's a lie.
For many people including myself, true deliverance came when we got out of the darkness of TWI and into the light.
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Ca_dreaming
Amen!!
Welcome anothen,,we all have a story on how we were deceived , but as we focus our hearts to the Light and forgive and forget we will continue to change and truly know what our purpose is in serving our Lord.
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ChattyKathy
Anothen,
I wish that my sexual abusers including my grandpa that began at 4 would have told me they were sorry for what was done to me. Reading your honesty and the efforts made to aid in your healing took enormous courage and I thank you for bringing it here to us.
I have my moments/days of wanting to scream or make someone pay for my life have been stolen from repeatedly but they are fewer as each day passes so I know you can overcome the worst of experiences to some degree myself. For me it took unloading the deepest of my secrets which wasn't done here but many of my secrets have been posted through the years of my being a part of this community and I have gained in ways that have added back to my life rather than taken from it like the nightmares had.
I don't agree with everyone here and in fact I know some of the things brought here to be one sided because of my being in the room when the incident occurred or having first hand exposure in another form but I have grown to learn that abuse is a deep impact of which can render the abused with a lifeboat need to hold onto it as they think it happened and am working on backing off of my frustration regarding it being conveyed inaccurately. And I have also stopped reading the way forum because that is where it seems to stir my insides the most and I do it for my personal mental health.
And despite the paragraph above I love this community and pray for them daily because no matter how big or little the abuse was that is something we have in common and we wouldn't come here at all if we didn't still need the strength and friendship of this group.
I welcome you and hope that you find continued healing as you cry and laugh with us.
Kathy
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Listener
Welcome to the GS, anothen. I appreciate your story and, though I've not walked in your shoes, I'm glad you had the courage to tell it. That's a big step in deliverance. I hope the GS family can be of help in some way. We're here whenever you need to talk, or need support. May I also say, never give in to the feelings of worthlessness. You are NOT worthless! You ARE precious to the Father. He loves you now, where you're at, and always has His helping hand extended to you, NOT the finger of guilt. You're always welcome here.
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ChasUFarley
Welcome and thank you for being honest about your past.
You could have chosen to hide behind a screenname and never disclosed your crime.
I'm curious... WHY did you feel so compelled to tell us?
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anothen
Most of your answer is contained in my post. It was tearing me apart.
It needs to start somewhere does it not?
If I could do it, then what about the next Child Sexual Abuser. Part of the problem is the hesitency to come clean and tell someone. As long as it continues to remain repressed, the greater chance that another Child will be Sexually Abused. I want it to stop and I will be on a relentless crusade to be a tool to stop it.
It has to start somewhere.
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ChasUFarley
Thank you for your response.
I'm not here to bash you but won't lie that I am leery, even though that may be fodder for you or others to attack or snipe at me. Don't interpret that as "not welcome", okay?
I have my own past to contend with in reading your posts.
I'm a little troubled by some points in your post and where you think you are at now in your deliverance.
How do you do *know* your victim is doing well now? I assume she's about 19 years old now - 11 years isn't as long of a period of time as you'd like to think.
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anothen
Thank you for your kind words and I'll take them to heart.
I don't give in to the feelings of worthlessness anymore. It has taken much time and mental work to change my thinking. It's starting to pay off. I have much more confidence now than I did five years ago.
I was surprised when I started going to therapy, of the many things I was taught reminded me of scripture that I had learned.
One of the things that has stayed with me was learning the cause of anxiety. Anxiety is cause by a dwelling on fears of things of the past or things of the future. Neither of which we do not have power to exact a change. We do however have power over the now, of which we have freedom of will and the ability to change our thinking. I've taken it to heart and it works.
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anothen
Thank you CK, your words and honesty mean a lot to me.
It pains me to hear about your abuse. Sometimes I wish you would just tell me you hate my guts for doing what I did. The abuse was awful and had a very adverse effect on your life. If only my meager story of coming clean provided at least a little consolation in the hopes that just maybe your abusers would come clean, then just maybe it might have a purpose. I hope that some day they will and recognize that this is really necessary in healing of Child Sexual Abuse. And that if only one reader of my posts that is Sexually Abusing would recognize this, then just maybe they too would come clean.
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anothen
Thank you for your welcome.
I've learned quite a bit about forgiveness. One key factor in forgiveness is that it was primarily designed, and most beneficial to to forgiver. I might be of benefit to the forgivee, but it is primarily for the forgiver.
Like I've said before, I'm not here to receive forgiveness, but I do appreciate your kindness it means a lot.
As for forgetting. No, I will not forget, nor will I repress. It is absolutely necessary that I remember my past, clearly recognize the wrong and the evil, and what caused me to do what I did.
The easiest thing that I've ever received was forgiveness from God. The hardest thing I've ever received was forgiving myself.
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anothen
I'm not easily bashed, so don't even go there. I was into internet gaming for a time and GS is mild compared to some of the flaming that took place there.
I have spent hours listening to victims vent so it's not like I'm easily upset about anything anyone here in GS could say to me that would be hurtful.
I only know what I've been told about my victim. I'm not allowed to make contact and won't. That's all the information I have about it.
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Abigail
Sorry, but I'm not buying. If I were a moderator here I would have banned you as soon as I saw this post. I may get jumped on for being heartless or unforgiving but there are many men in this world - women too - who have sexual desires and do not cross the line. Being a man, having sexual desires - sounds like you are making excuses, pathetic ones at that.
I have no idea if some or any of your story is true. I have no idea what goes on in the mind of a sexual predator, beyond that they find ways to justify their vile behavior to themselves somehow.
If you had touched one of my children. . . nope, sorry but I just can't offer forgiveness or understanding. I believe sexual predators are mentally ill, to be sure. I also know most of them are never cured of their mental illness. Some, yes, but most no. No way would I risk allowing one into my life on the small chance they might have truly changed.
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ChattyKathy
My grandmother being the only one that knew of my abuse aside from me and grandpa was a mean person and she treated me like I was less than the dirt she walked on. At graduation from high school her other grandchildren received things like cars from her but I was given a check for 2.00 of which I never cashed just so she would have to be aggravated about it each time she reconciled her check book. Then on her death bed still being the only living person knowing of my abuse aside from me (grandpa had died) she sent me a note wanting me to forgive her yet never saying she was sorry or deserved it. She just wanted me to forgive her because somehow I guess that was going to buy her something in the hereafter. I never replied to her and she died. I have no guilt at all for not forgiving her in the least bit. But I did forgive other abusers of mine without them asking or even deserving it because I had to do it for me. It was not for them in the least bit, it was only for me and it was what I had to do to continue my healing process.
I believe God is big enough to cover the abuser and abused and does so if and when we go to Him for help. But I also know it will never go away in my mind no matter how much I refuse to dwell on my past. I know it still resides. As the victim I had to move forward or I'd taken me out. I've been at the door of suicide more than once and will never return to it because I am healthier now. As the abuser I believe you have to take steps to acknowledge the sickness that dwelled within and seek professional help to come to grips with the whys. I also believe that those who have abused can be a huge part of aiding in the ones trying to break free from that hold which I have accepted as what you are doing here. No question of it there are abusers reading our forum whether they ever register and post or not. As well twi keeps an eye on us and nothing goes unnoticed by them. I rather enjoy the fact they have to use their ABS to pay one of their staff just to read us.
If I had anything to offer you at this point I would be careful in accepting that she is doing quite nicely, until she gets help herself she might be just waiting to hit the wall.
I am glad you came here, this is something no one has done to my knowledge and I believe it will benefit beyond my understanding.
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ChasUFarley
Her wellness is YOUR ASSUMPTION.
She's breathing and living - so she's "well"... maybe getting good grades in college, has a boyfriend, plays sports. Yup. Great.
You've dismissed the damage you may have done in your reference to time - writing like it was a million years ago - and, as Abigail pointed out, your dismissing your crime like you had an excuse for it, as a man.
How delivered are you?
Do you still *think* about children - faceless or otherwise?
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pond
dude
your not the victim so stop trying to evoke some understanding or sympathy to "christians.
you comminted a crime you will be hated for. and I believe rightfully so.
the fact your not dead is the very grace of God.
you can speak to your own type of sexual deviant all you want and I really do pray to God no one is reading you and gaining anything to go on forums and feel like a hero because you turned you own self in.
the odds are more than one victim is out there and you turned yourself in because you knew she would tell on you or someone eles threatened you to turn you in.
do not pat yourself on the back or cry your self esteem isssues to me your a creep and hated by our society for a reason.
Dmiller
alcoholism is not the same as lusting after children sexualy.
many can be hurt by a loved ones addiction it is a issue in life that basicly destroys the individual if allowed to consume.
you do not victimize anyone with your problem i get you know shame.. but this guy problem is not a cultural issue it is a behaviour that is sick and ingrained and most probably the reason he wants to come on here and see who will forgive him and "understand" and cosnider his ideal of being a hero.. because he claims to have turned himself in is because in the real world few will buy into the lies and deception theses freaks generate and this is all he has left.
did i hurt your feelings? anothen? to freaking bad .
no pity or understanding from me.
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RainbowsGirl
(((((((((((((Kathy))))))))))))))))))))))) I cannot find any real words right now..............except I Love You very very much and wish I could erase your pain; and I am so very proud thatyou're my brave beyond words, sister! I am so glad that nobody could pushed you over the edge! You have a heart of purest gold and awesome strength; You are the definition of kindness and concern...and oh OMG how I wish someone had watched over You...Just half as well as You watch over all of us here! With remarkable tenderness and love!
Love You, (((((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))))))))), RG
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ChattyKathy
RG,
You are indeed one of a kind and I'm so thankful you came our way.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
To anyone reading,
I'm glad that God is the forgiver and not us humans because if left up to us some would damn us to hell for our sins and feel like they were justified until the day they awoke to their Master and He informed then He never made them boss.
I think this man needs to consider the damage done to the girl WITHOUT question and I see he's getting sufficient council regarding it.
I also think this man needs to CONTINUE a form of therapy if there are any residual thoughts it was in any way just a man's privates doing the thinking.
And right here and now if someone comes on and jumps down my throat because this is a family forum then you better start reading this place a little better. IT IS NOT A CHILD'S FORUM!!!!!
I also know this and that is some cling to the perpetual victim thinking as if it were their badge of honor (ever hear me say that before, uh huh, about a million times) and MYSELF being a victim am sickened by the abused as much as the abuser when it is continually brought up. It CALLS ME A LIAR each and every time it is paraded about here. IF I who was abused, raped, beaten and verbally treated like crap can recover then so can ANYONE!!!!!
Am I perfect? Hell no! Am I still somewhat over the top in the sex department? Hell yes! But I am also not going to stand on my right to cry "oh poor me, I was so abused, please kiss it and make it better ever freaking day".
My gawd! I swear this just enrages me as much as having a man on top of me taking me against my will!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Abigail
Well I too have been a victim and I wear no badge because of it. But it did allow me an up close and intimate view of how at least one perpetrator thought and justified his behavior. So, I do not cry poor me, but I will not offer a poor you to a perp either. Especially in light of the post here.
Start with the thread name "hard for ME to come clean"
then move through the post . . .
'
Is he concerned about anyone else here? Or simply his own conscience? Does he care that merely his presence here could hurt others, leave others afraid to post?The point? Would any of us think another human being doesn't have sexual desires? Its a justification, a rationalization. I did it because I am a man - I did it because I had a desire. .... - lots of people have desires - lots of men have desires but they don't force themselves on unwilling people, they don't molest children.
Sound a bit like a victim card to me? What about the girl who was molested? He says simply he "hears she is doing well" as if that makes it all okay. ..... Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. Either way, his remorse sounds more like an "I am sorry I got in trouble for this" than an "I am sorry I hurt someone".
He got three years probation, she had her innocense stolen, perhaps for life.
One major trait that will allow an offender to be an offender is selfishness/an overly high focus on self, a lack of concern for the victim.
Something to think about Kathy, and I speak boldly to you because we are friends and I care . . . people who have been victims of abuse, sexual or otherwise, often become overly empathetic with other people. Their boundary lines are blurred. Predators who see that empathy in you will take advantage of it.
Is Antho still a predator? I can't say for a certainty that he is. But I also can't say for a certainty that he isn't either. I realize this is the internet and he can't jump through his computer and "get" me, you, our children, or anyone else if he is never allowed access to our lives outside this forum.
But answer me this, would you leave him alone with your daughter? I know I wouldn't. Nor would I invite him into my home or give him any information even remotely personal. Nor would I even give him room in my emotions to feel sorry for him. Why? Because it is all too easy to allow someone who is adquately skilled at it, to play upon your emotions and slowly gain more and more access to your life.
In TWI, many probably most of us allowed the leadership to move our boundaries back further and further. Sexual predators do the same thing. A forum full of ex-wayfers is just ripe for a predator who knows how to play on your sympathies.
It isn't about forgiveness. Antho has done nothing to me and needs no forgiveness from me. It is about healthy boundaries. It is about not allowing a known predator into my life.
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Nottawayfer
Anothen,
A 9-year-old girl may appear to "only suffer a little embarrassment"
, but the damage you've done probably won't show up until her teen years. She will remember it because she wasn't that young.
I hope you keep yourself in the shoes of that girl and her mother. You can't take back what you did. You will never be able to repay them for what you took away.
I hope this torment does stay with you the rest of your life if that's what keeps you from doing it again. You know statistics show that there is not a very high recovery rate for your problem. If you are successful, praise God.
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Lori
Anothen,
I really think you should have been talking to a therapist instead of bringing it up here. This is a heavy issue and people have strong feelings, especially mothers with children, when it comes to protecting their young.
It's not something people take lightly.
I do wish you well if you really want to come clean...
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ChattyKathy
Abi,
My work load has pulled me away and I can't even read your whole post to me with any understanding due to needing to get back to it here but one thing I have never considered you as and that is a victim. You have always been a rock solid soul that lays it out as you see it and takes it with grace if given out to you.
I will read you and answer as soon as I can. I just had to let you know I can't right now.
(((((you)))))
Kathy
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