There's a plus to living with a guy before marriage. You get to see what he's really like all the time. That is also the bad side to living together before marriage. I've seen couples run at the first sign of controversy. So, go into this with some kind of simple commitment. Commit to talk things out on a regular basis. It's easier to break up a living together arrangement than a marriage. Again, there are pros and cons to this, as I'm sure you can imagine.
Bottom line: if you're going to do this you should both be very clear on what you want and expect of each other - both long and short term.
Oh - things that seem cute today may annoy the *&^ out of you in 2 or 3 years. It is never a wise choice to enter a relationship with the expectation that you get to change the other person. This is why you should talk often - so that you can decide on your own what you can and can not accept long term.
I wish someone had told me all this 20 years ago....
To echo the patience post, which is great advice, give yourselves time to adjust to having someone to go home to and having to call if you are going to be late. Doesn't sound like much but at first it may seem like your style is being cramped.
Even watching TV is something that needs work and patience as most females are willing to stay on one channel, even through the commercials, many males feel the need to flip through the stations using the remote to change channels in rapid fire succession.
Don't do what I did once when I was angry. I went shopping with the remote in my purse accidentally on purpose. ;)
Many men take their clothes off and leave them; the best many can do is put the clothes on top of the hamper and my darling hubby leaves his wet towels on our bed. You could always retaliate by getting a cat and leaving it's water bowl out in the middle of the kitchen floor cause for some reason men will step in it quicker with their stocking feet than a woman will. ;) My hubby came home one day and it seems the men their at work discussed this very scenario. ;) ;)
Yell loudly, regardless of the time if you fall into the toilet because the lid was left up. I don't squabble about which side the toilet paper goes on because I am the only one in my house that actually PUTS the toilet paper on the roll. At least I get it done my way.
All seriousness aside, I would ask that the chores be done equally and the best advice I ever followed was that whoever is cooking, IS RIGHT. Whomever is vacumming or doing the dishes, IS RIGHT. We all have our own way to do things, and all it is is our own way and one way isn't necessarily better than the other person's way. Nothing will make a person shut down quicker and quit giving is if they have someone always watching over them telling them how they are doing it wrong.
The best advice I can think of is to realize that what you see is what you get. I mean don't think/expect that he'll change, or that you'll change him when it comes to personality or basic attitudes. At that age, it's near impossible to relearn behavioural basics. As washingtonweather said, you're both set in your ways.
Aside from that, pay attention. Speak up when something really irks you. Deal with it immediately when possible. If either of you just bury it, it will most likely fester and erupt later all out of proportion. And pay attention to how he handles pressure and adversity. Those can be very revealing moments.
I wish you the best. It's an exciting time, for sure.
Isn't that what we've called "living in sin"? Or "Shacking up"? And you're asking for advice as to how to do it correctly? OK then some advice. Don't do it. It's not in your best interests.
Don't get any ideas that you'll change the other person, it 'aint gonna happen.
Too many couples hook up and decide to share a mailbox and think that just because when they went to the others' house and it was a mess they'll suddenly want to be tidy tiny or neat ned in a shared space.
Don't kid yourself about anything, be realistic.
And talk about stuff, please. Laugh.....alot! Work hard, play hard.
Set fighting rules early, not after a whopper and one suddenly realizes that one hurt and they want to change things around to make it less painful the next time.
Finally, remember women are crock pots and men are microwaves in almost every aspect of life.
That's not a bad thing, just important to remember and expect.
You two aren't 19 with stars in your eyes, I'd bet you'll be fine.
Living together without commitment will always end in separation.
My one time of living together was when I was in. It didnt work for a number of reasons. The biggest was our differant goals.
Maybe it was not knowing each other enough. I knew her before she went WOW. Visited once while she was on the field. She moved in when she came home.
I was an instant dad to an 8 yr old.
She got sick and didnt work for two months.
There was never any condemnation from anyone that was in fellowship.
Got her to finally move out to another apartment in the same complex. Ended up paying her rant every other month because her rent checks bounced.
None of this is what you wanted to hear.
I believe in knowing the person you will marry but not living together.
If you arn't willing to give 100%, 100% of the time don't move in. Once you are married the dynamics of how you get allong with each other are differant than when you just live together.
Living together without commitment will always end in separation.
But you didn't define commitment.
My wife and I lived together for 2 years before we got married. We're still together coming up on 22 years. Were we committed for the first 2 years? Yes. We were committed to determine whether or not we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. When we figured we were, we got married. Worked for us.
This is not a morallity lecture but if you aren't willing to sign a legal piece of paper that creates an enforceable contract between the two of you--ie marriage --you need to forget the idea of Living Together in the sense you mean.
Living together means that one of the parties gives up their security net { their apartment etc) and thus in case of a breakup is in freefall with no legal recourse.
If you insist on the course of no marriage the smart thing to do, from my point of view, is both of you keep your housing. Live one week at your place and one week at their place -sort of like going to the summer house. you are still living together but you both each have a place to be if things go south.
Everyone has offered helpful and valid advice. Some have commented on the "morality" of "living in sin" or "shacking up", which I did not intend to address on this thread, but did address the pros and cons of marriage vs. living together in a previous thread. This is not something that we approach lightly. We've thought long and hard and talked about it for about a year.
I wouldn't be moving in with him unless I had seen numerous examples in his history and current relationship of his loyalty and steadfastness. This guy won't cut and run in a fit of anger. His capacity to love and forgive is an inspiration to me, and a great comfort to consider in a partner.
There are several reasons we don't go ahead and get married, none of which are really interesting enough to bring out in a public forum.
my sis at 58 yrs of age just had a very nice man move in..He is chef and seems pretty grounded...Believe me, it will be playing house for her..she will have him remodeling and updating everything all in the name of money(equity) I do see the ins and outs..
This is not a morallity lecture but if you aren't willing to sign a legal piece of paper that creates an enforceable contract between the two of you--ie marriage --you need to forget the idea of Living Together in the sense you mean.
Living together means that one of the parties gives up their security net { their apartment etc) and thus in case of a breakup is in freefall with no legal recourse.
Its all a matter of perspective, I guess. Sushi and I lived together for 4 or 5 years before we got married. I never doubted his committment to me and our relationship and never felt a pressing need to get married. In fact, from my perspective, the lack of a legal contract only reinforced my feelings of security in our relationship. We were and are together because we want to be together, not because we are legally or morally obligated to be together.
Sometimes, love simply isn't enough to keep a couple together. You may love someone but find them impossible to live with. Not simply because they leave the cap off the toothpast or the toilett seat up either. I think there can be a benefit to living together first. It simply depends on the couple, their reasoning, etc.
Likewise, marriage does not guarantee a couple will stay together.
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polar bear
Here's my 2 cents. When you live with someone is the time you see their faults close at hand.
You may observe things that will scare you alittle.
This is the time you need to show patience, kindness and forgivenss more than ever. Don't run deal with them one at a time.
Try to meet them somewhere in the middle. It means you may have to bend alittle but they should too.
Remember relationships are built they just happen all of a sudden.
I'd read some books by Dr. Phil. He is pretty practical when it comes to these types of things. LOL
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satori001
Get thee to a nunnery.
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wuzawayfer
Run Away! Run very far away!
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washingtonweather
just remember--you are both set in your ways...which may be the same way or get in the way or just ...well you get th idea
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doojable
There's a plus to living with a guy before marriage. You get to see what he's really like all the time. That is also the bad side to living together before marriage. I've seen couples run at the first sign of controversy. So, go into this with some kind of simple commitment. Commit to talk things out on a regular basis. It's easier to break up a living together arrangement than a marriage. Again, there are pros and cons to this, as I'm sure you can imagine.
Bottom line: if you're going to do this you should both be very clear on what you want and expect of each other - both long and short term.
Oh - things that seem cute today may annoy the *&^ out of you in 2 or 3 years. It is never a wise choice to enter a relationship with the expectation that you get to change the other person. This is why you should talk often - so that you can decide on your own what you can and can not accept long term.
I wish someone had told me all this 20 years ago....
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Out There
Don't listen to the Naysayers, Just Do It and make yourself happy. I have nothing but the best of wishes to you both
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FullCircle
To echo the patience post, which is great advice, give yourselves time to adjust to having someone to go home to and having to call if you are going to be late. Doesn't sound like much but at first it may seem like your style is being cramped.
Even watching TV is something that needs work and patience as most females are willing to stay on one channel, even through the commercials, many males feel the need to flip through the stations using the remote to change channels in rapid fire succession.
Don't do what I did once when I was angry. I went shopping with the remote in my purse accidentally on purpose. ;)
Many men take their clothes off and leave them; the best many can do is put the clothes on top of the hamper and my darling hubby leaves his wet towels on our bed. You could always retaliate by getting a cat and leaving it's water bowl out in the middle of the kitchen floor cause for some reason men will step in it quicker with their stocking feet than a woman will. ;) My hubby came home one day and it seems the men their at work discussed this very scenario. ;) ;)
Yell loudly, regardless of the time if you fall into the toilet because the lid was left up. I don't squabble about which side the toilet paper goes on because I am the only one in my house that actually PUTS the toilet paper on the roll. At least I get it done my way.
All seriousness aside, I would ask that the chores be done equally and the best advice I ever followed was that whoever is cooking, IS RIGHT. Whomever is vacumming or doing the dishes, IS RIGHT. We all have our own way to do things, and all it is is our own way and one way isn't necessarily better than the other person's way. Nothing will make a person shut down quicker and quit giving is if they have someone always watching over them telling them how they are doing it wrong.
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FreeAtLast
No advice, but just best to you and your beau.
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Jim
Separate bathrooms.
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Listener
The best advice I can think of is to realize that what you see is what you get. I mean don't think/expect that he'll change, or that you'll change him when it comes to personality or basic attitudes. At that age, it's near impossible to relearn behavioural basics. As washingtonweather said, you're both set in your ways.
Aside from that, pay attention. Speak up when something really irks you. Deal with it immediately when possible. If either of you just bury it, it will most likely fester and erupt later all out of proportion. And pay attention to how he handles pressure and adversity. Those can be very revealing moments.
I wish you the best. It's an exciting time, for sure.
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Kevlar2000
*with a slight tremor in my voice*
Yooou arrre eeeeevvviiiiiiilllll!
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coolchef
ladies
always leave the seat up!
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Sudo
Batcave,
Re:"Marriage is in the somewhat near future."
Isn't that what we've called "living in sin"? Or "Shacking up"? And you're asking for advice as to how to do it correctly? OK then some advice. Don't do it. It's not in your best interests.
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Shellon
Amen to what you see is what you get.
Don't get any ideas that you'll change the other person, it 'aint gonna happen.
Too many couples hook up and decide to share a mailbox and think that just because when they went to the others' house and it was a mess they'll suddenly want to be tidy tiny or neat ned in a shared space.
Don't kid yourself about anything, be realistic.
And talk about stuff, please. Laugh.....alot! Work hard, play hard.
Set fighting rules early, not after a whopper and one suddenly realizes that one hurt and they want to change things around to make it less painful the next time.
Finally, remember women are crock pots and men are microwaves in almost every aspect of life.
That's not a bad thing, just important to remember and expect.
You two aren't 19 with stars in your eyes, I'd bet you'll be fine.
:)
Edited by Shellon Fockler-NorthLink to comment
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excathedra
best of luck
i did the living together thing first
ain't no guarantees
still best of luck
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ChasUFarley
I gotta say it...
HATS OFF TO YOU - WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THAT ONE! LOL!
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coolchef
off topic too
but what a great idea about the remote
my bride is the tv watcher i don't like it
i think i will hide her remotes for her birthday!
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ex70sHouston
Living together without commitment will always end in separation.
My one time of living together was when I was in. It didnt work for a number of reasons. The biggest was our differant goals.
Maybe it was not knowing each other enough. I knew her before she went WOW. Visited once while she was on the field. She moved in when she came home.
I was an instant dad to an 8 yr old.
She got sick and didnt work for two months.
There was never any condemnation from anyone that was in fellowship.
Got her to finally move out to another apartment in the same complex. Ended up paying her rant every other month because her rent checks bounced.
None of this is what you wanted to hear.
I believe in knowing the person you will marry but not living together.
If you arn't willing to give 100%, 100% of the time don't move in. Once you are married the dynamics of how you get allong with each other are differant than when you just live together.
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Jim
But you didn't define commitment.
My wife and I lived together for 2 years before we got married. We're still together coming up on 22 years. Were we committed for the first 2 years? Yes. We were committed to determine whether or not we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. When we figured we were, we got married. Worked for us.
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templelady
This is not a morallity lecture but if you aren't willing to sign a legal piece of paper that creates an enforceable contract between the two of you--ie marriage --you need to forget the idea of Living Together in the sense you mean.
Living together means that one of the parties gives up their security net { their apartment etc) and thus in case of a breakup is in freefall with no legal recourse.
If you insist on the course of no marriage the smart thing to do, from my point of view, is both of you keep your housing. Live one week at your place and one week at their place -sort of like going to the summer house. you are still living together but you both each have a place to be if things go south.
Edited by templeladyLink to comment
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batcave
Everyone has offered helpful and valid advice. Some have commented on the "morality" of "living in sin" or "shacking up", which I did not intend to address on this thread, but did address the pros and cons of marriage vs. living together in a previous thread. This is not something that we approach lightly. We've thought long and hard and talked about it for about a year.
I wouldn't be moving in with him unless I had seen numerous examples in his history and current relationship of his loyalty and steadfastness. This guy won't cut and run in a fit of anger. His capacity to love and forgive is an inspiration to me, and a great comfort to consider in a partner.
There are several reasons we don't go ahead and get married, none of which are really interesting enough to bring out in a public forum.
Thanks for all the good wishes!
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likeaneagle
my sis at 58 yrs of age just had a very nice man move in..He is chef and seems pretty grounded...Believe me, it will be playing house for her..she will have him remodeling and updating everything all in the name of money(equity) I do see the ins and outs..
I hope this turns into a real companionship..
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polar bear
Batcave-
Sounds like you have stirred up some controversy here. "Living in sin"?
Someome please show me in the bible where what you are doing is wrong.
It seems to me you were asking for help not for criticism.
I hope someday we can get rid of this religious thinking that reminds me of "waydaze".
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Abigail
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