Silly Sayings

[Abigail]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully

in

his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a

headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two " and "Keep

away from children."

--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support

group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a

desirable

job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the

end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an

infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even

considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should

treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,

they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,

the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when her parents took her out

in

the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying

to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal

skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:

"Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through

my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow

learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think I know how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New

York

said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't

cold enough. Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators

would be dead."

--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty

and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire

you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to

tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of

Congress. But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student! At

least they can find Afghanistan ."

--A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you

a

look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of

that!'"

--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was

taken.

--Unknown, presumed deceased (perhaps for good reason!)

20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have

another beer."

[Belle]

My favorite:

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support

group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

I love Paula Poundstone and wish she was still doing stand up.

[T-Bone]

Those are great - thanks Abigail !

[RottieGrrrl]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully

in

his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

Edited February 23, 2007 by RottieGrrrl

[Sushi]

The wages of sin are death. But by the time taxes are taken out, it's just a tired feeling.

Paula Poundstone

A stitch in time saves embarrassment.

Soupy Sales

Where there's a will, there's relatives.

Soupy Sales

[polar bear]

I'm a believer, pass me a beer! !

[dmiller]

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a

headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two " and "Keep

away from children."

[Kit Sober]

A good pun is its own reword.

[Raf]

There are certain things I want to know.

I want to know why "onomatopiea" doesn't mean anything like it sounds.

I want to know why "palindrome" is not spelled the same way backwards and forwards.

I want to know if anyone has ever actually said the word "hegemony" out loud. Any why.

I want to know why the verb "effect" means "to cause."

[WordWolf]

I still can't beat

"If you're really Goths, where were you when we sacked Rome?"

Then of course, there's Gallagher's observations.

"Why do they call it a 'bust' when it stops just short of the thing it's named after?

Shipments go by truck, cargo goes by ship,

you wear a PAIR of panties but only ONE bra.

Why is it called a television SET when there's only one of it?"

[Mark Clarke]

More observations:

You can stare up the steps or step up the stairs.

You can park in the driveway or drive in the parkway.

You can sit in the waiting room or wait in the sitting room.

Is there another word for "thessaurus"?

Why is "abbreviate" such a long word?

Is it OK to drink coffee while wearing a t-shirt?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Edited June 21, 2007 by Mark Clarke

[doojable]

Hey Mark - do you have a recording of your rendition of Shadrack, Meshak and Abednego???

I swear it was like listening to Arlo Guthrie!

If you do - post it! Please ;)

[Mark Clarke]

Hey Mark - do you have a recording of your rendition of Shadrack, Meshak and Abednego???

I swear it was like listening to Arlo Guthrie!

If you do - post it! Please ;)

I used to have a cassette of it, but I don't know what happened to it. That goes back LONG TIME!

[doojable]

Oh gosh, I know it......

Perhaps too long and too many lifetimes ago.....

Hey! At least I remembered!

[George Aar]

I feel a whole lot more like I do right now than I did when I first got here...

[Sushi]

From Soupy Sales:

Someone says, "I 'feel' like an old man (woman)"

You say, "I bet you could get one"

Edited June 24, 2007 by Sushi

[Mark Clarke]

I feel a whole lot more like I do right now than I did when I first got here...

"...Tomorrow will be like today, only more so." -Iasiah 56:12b (NASB)

[pawtucket]

Belle,

Paula still does stand-up!!!!

[Sushi]

"...Tomorrow will be like today, only more so." -Iasiah 56:12b (NASB)

Not a silly saying really, but apropos.

"The easiest day was yesterday."

Navy Seal Motto (one of many, I suspect)

Edited July 12, 2007 by Sushi