Teenage Daughter

[Belle]

I know I was never like this! BUT, thought some of you parents might enjoy reading it anyway.....

Teenage Daughter

Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron

Please do not remove the copyright from this essay.

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a

teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it

describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers

important questions about your warranty (which does NOT

include the right to return the product to the factory for a

full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To

determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged

girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with

more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge

your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting

money)? © sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of

these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice

try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged

daughter, you will initially experience a high level of

discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you

will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period,"

during which you are becoming accustomed to certain

behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.

Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will

start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place

her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming

is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours a after activation, you may desire to

shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do

this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter

means learning the difference between the words "clean" and

"neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take

frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will

scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you

must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to

use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they

have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step

out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom,

which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If

you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing

"clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have

time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them.

These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter

requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at

restaurants because she detests everything you eat because

it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany

her to these restaurants, because some people might see you

and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner

with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her

the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer

the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and

ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an

attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of

dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing

which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy

shopping, you will love the vast selections which are

available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter

wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be ab le to coerce

her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house,

but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will

be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two

levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your

daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do

won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has

your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not

fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your

teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it

takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has

already happened and as far as you are concerned never

really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged

daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your

warranty does not give you your little girl back under any

circumst ances, except that deep down she's actually still

there -- you just have to look for her.

[ex70sHouston]

THank you God for three boys

[T-Bone]

Thanks for sharing that, Belle – I love it!!!!!!!!!! Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!! ...and so true...truth is funnier than fiction...

[coolchef]

yes thank you God for 4 boys!

[Abigail]

I too must thank our heavenly Father for boys, especially so, because I was once a teenaged girl and my parents cursed me with the curse of one day having one just like me!