Cats and Dogs

[Sudo]

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if

holding a

baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's

mouth and

gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat

opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and

swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat

in left

arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear

paws

tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of

mouth with

right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call

spouse from yard.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front

and rear

paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head

firmly

with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down

ruler

and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil

wrap. Make

note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered

figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head

just

visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force

mouth

open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer

to

take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood

from

carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open

another

beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head

showing.

Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with

rubber

band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on

hinges.

Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply

cold compress

to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply

whiskey

compress to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt

away and

fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree

across the

road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to

avoid

cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and

bind

tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from

shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be

rough

about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat

to

wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to

emergency

room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes

pill

remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new

table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and

call

local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in cheese.

[Cindy!]

ROFLMAO!!!!!! :D-->