Sudo--- Chili Judge

[Sudo]

Here 'tis.. because I was goaded on to post it again. An oldie but a goodie.

Recently

I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community

to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the

original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing

there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call

came.

I was assured by the other two judges that the chili

wouldn't be all that spicy.. and besides they told me I could have free beer

during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure

when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

Sudo: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork.

Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to

be taken seriously.

Sudo: Keep this out of reach

of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to

wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way

to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler

after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake

tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face

like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.

Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of

red peppers.

Sudo: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've

located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.

Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to

the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front

part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably

behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good

side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Sudo: I felt something scraping across my tongue but

was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I

wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of

coiled and uncoiled—it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers

freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more

tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Sudo: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus

my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain

damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.

Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.

Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

onions, and garlic. Superb.

Sudo: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled

with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I

asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on

canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in

canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried

about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

Sudo: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and

pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the

world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with

chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy

they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell

our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop

breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people

and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced

chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge

Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend

chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Sudo: Momma?

 

[Belle]

One of my all time favorites!!! Mucho Thanks, Sudo!

[GarthP2000]

... So Sudo, ..... ya still eating chili?

[Sudo]

Garth,

Yes, actually. Though I make mine pretty dang mild so as everyone in the family can eat it. Hmm.. I wonder if there's a good chili recipe on the In The kitchen forum?? You know Garth.. you've been around Greasespot and before that, WayDale about as long as me. I bet you remember when I first posted this, huh?

sudo