bowtwi Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just. .. excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 2 - Lizards - $140... 1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SafariVista Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 Great story...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
George Aar Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 Yeah, but did you call the lizard the next morning? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abigail Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 OMG I can't stop laughing!!!!!!!! The mental image is just too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellon Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 heeeee heeeeeeeee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T-Bone Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Hilarious story, BowTwi …Obviously the parents didn’t see the National Geographic magazine next to the lizard – opened to the spread of the Galapagos Islands: Reptiles gone Wild. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raf Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 Anyone who doesn't know that reptiles lay eggs doesn't deserve to own a magnificent creature such as a lizard. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belle Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 So, it would be unfair to let Vixen mess with any lizards while they're on their back, I guess. :ph34r: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinky Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 (edited) ((Tears running down my cheeks - LOL - LO V V L)) ((People looking at me strangely)) Edited November 16, 2006 by Twinky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doojable Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 Lizard love - what is more beautiful? Heheheheheeh LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChasUFarley Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 dooj - that's Lizard Self Love! LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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SafariVista
Great story......
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George Aar
Yeah, but did you call the lizard the next morning?
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Abigail
OMG I can't stop laughing!!!!!!!! The mental image is just too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Shellon
heeeee heeeeeeeee
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T-Bone
…Obviously the parents didn’t see the National Geographic magazine next to the lizard – opened to the spread of the Galapagos Islands: Reptiles gone Wild.
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Raf
Anyone who doesn't know that reptiles lay eggs doesn't deserve to own a magnificent creature such as a lizard. :)
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Belle
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Twinky
((Tears running down my cheeks - LOL - LO V V L))
((People looking at me strangely))
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doojable
Lizard love - what is more beautiful?
Heheheheheeh LOL
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ChasUFarley
dooj - that's Lizard Self Love!
LOL!
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