I know I know this is a super oldie but it's still a goodie.
Honk if you Love Jesus
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If you Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only one finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson who was in the car with me what that meant, he said that it was probably a
Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I
attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
A big city attorney was driving home from a convention. To avoid fighting the traffic coming back into town, he decided to take the back roads where he would only encounter an occaisional travler here and there. Passing thru a small hick town, the attorney came to a 'California stop' accelerating rapidly thru the main intersection of town. It wasnt long before he saw red lights flashing in his rear view mirror. Frustrated and not wanting to stop he knew he was almost certain to end up with a ticket. "Wait a minute" he thought.."Why should I stop for this backwoods hick police officer? I am a lawer and argue cases for a living, I can easily talk my way out of this!" With this thought he pulled over to the shoulder and rolled down his window.
"License and registration please.." the officer asked blandly.
"Why are you stopping me?" the attorney asked.
"You didnt come to a full and complete stop back there sir...license and reigstration please" the officer repeated.
"Now just a minute. Please explain for me the term 'stop', can you define for me the legal difference between stopping and slowing down to check for oncoming traffic?"
"I think I can sir" the officer replied. "Could you step out of the vehicle please?"
"Certainly" the attorney answered, convinced he had the officer baffled.
Once the attorney had stepped out of his vehicle the the occier drew out his kight stick and proceded to begin beating the attorney to a pulp. In doing so he asked the attorney "Now, would you like me to stop hitting you or simply slow down sir?"
---------------------------------------------
ok ok ok one more....:
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I
confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone
knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since
he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and BS with his
buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he, doesn't even pretend to
like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief , woman. You don't need him
anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York . Act like one.
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very tough work as the ground was hard. His only son, who used to help him with the garden, was in prison for insider trading and stock fraud. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Son:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you weren't in prison, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Papa
A few days later the old man received a letter from his son.
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden because that's were I buried all the money and stocks.
Love, your son.
At 4 am the next morning team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
I'm sure by now the FBI has been there and dug up your garden. Go ahead and plant the potatoes. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on a plane to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans and a cowboy hat. Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him.
"You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."
The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right.
What'd ya like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the young man with a hint of sarcasm, "How about nuclear proliferation?"
"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff---grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"
Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nukes when you don't know 's---?'
ok here's another....(I think the lady on the bus is from TWI!)
"An intoxicated man"
An intoxicated man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
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RottieGrrrl
Well......my rottygrrl LOVES big juicy T-Bone's!
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T-Bone
Yikes!!!!!! Depart from me Jesus…thought you were someone else…I’d like to remain whole…not be eaten whole.
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RottieGrrrl
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RottieGrrrl
I know I know this is a super oldie but it's still a goodie.
Honk if you Love Jesus
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If you Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only one finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson who was in the car with me what that meant, he said that it was probably a
Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I
attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
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excathedra
ha ha ha ha ha ha h aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha honk honk ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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RottieGrrrl
Oh I missed your laugh exie!
Okay okay stop me. I'm at work for crying out loud and I'm not supposed to be screwing around! But just one more wont hurt?
Numbers of the Beast
666Biblical Number of the Beast
660Approximate Number of the Beast
DCLXVIRoman Numeral of the Beast
665Number of the Beast's Older Brother
667Number of the Beast's Younger Sister
668Number of the Beast's Neighbor
999Number of the Australian Beast
333Number of the Semi-Beast
66Number of the Downsized Beast
6, uh..., I forgetNumber of the Blond Beast
666.0000Number of the High Precision Beast
00666Zip Code of the Beast
666@hell.orgE-mail Address of the Beast
www.666.comWebsite of the Beast
1-666-666-6666Phone & FAX Number of the Beast
1-888-666-6666Toll Free Number of the Beast
1-900-666-6666Live Beasts, available now! One-on-one pacts!
Only $6.66 per minute! [Must be over 18!]
666-66-6666Social Security Number of the Beast
There's a slew more but that's enough!
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excathedra
those are GREAT !!!!!!
but my faves i think
999Number of the Australian Beast
333Number of the Semi-Beast
rottie, you're so funny, i love you
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RumRunner
I had to try...the funny thing is that there is a www.hell.org and a www.666.com
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bowtwi
Al, Bill & Hillary
Al, Bill & Hillary go to Heaven God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man and I hope no grudges are held against me."
God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
Hillary replies, "I believe you're in my chair."
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dmiller
Bow ---
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Mr Incredible
ooooh oooh oooh! I got one!!!
A big city attorney was driving home from a convention. To avoid fighting the traffic coming back into town, he decided to take the back roads where he would only encounter an occaisional travler here and there. Passing thru a small hick town, the attorney came to a 'California stop' accelerating rapidly thru the main intersection of town. It wasnt long before he saw red lights flashing in his rear view mirror. Frustrated and not wanting to stop he knew he was almost certain to end up with a ticket. "Wait a minute" he thought.."Why should I stop for this backwoods hick police officer? I am a lawer and argue cases for a living, I can easily talk my way out of this!" With this thought he pulled over to the shoulder and rolled down his window.
"License and registration please.." the officer asked blandly.
"Why are you stopping me?" the attorney asked.
"You didnt come to a full and complete stop back there sir...license and reigstration please" the officer repeated.
"Now just a minute. Please explain for me the term 'stop', can you define for me the legal difference between stopping and slowing down to check for oncoming traffic?"
"I think I can sir" the officer replied. "Could you step out of the vehicle please?"
"Certainly" the attorney answered, convinced he had the officer baffled.
Once the attorney had stepped out of his vehicle the the occier drew out his kight stick and proceded to begin beating the attorney to a pulp. In doing so he asked the attorney "Now, would you like me to stop hitting you or simply slow down sir?"
---------------------------------------------
ok ok ok one more....:
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I
confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone
knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since
he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and BS with his
buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he, doesn't even pretend to
like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief , woman. You don't need him
anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York . Act like one.
I hope you like!
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dmiller
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here
who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin',
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
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dmiller
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The exchange went like this ...
"Good morning, this is Sergeant Muldoon. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Muldoon, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment.
Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, tis certainly true,
but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
:lol:
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Kit Sober
Papa's Potato Problem
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very tough work as the ground was hard. His only son, who used to help him with the garden, was in prison for insider trading and stock fraud. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Son:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you weren't in prison, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Papa
A few days later the old man received a letter from his son.
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden because that's were I buried all the money and stocks.
Love, your son.
At 4 am the next morning team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
I'm sure by now the FBI has been there and dug up your garden. Go ahead and plant the potatoes. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, your son.
From the Catholic Digest
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excathedra
ok ok What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
and the blind policeman ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha ha
now i'll go back to reading
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bowtwi
Is it mine? Good one!
An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite
pierogi with
fried onions wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the
bed.Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen,
where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were
hundreds of his favorite pierogi.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty
years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a
crumpled
posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi
was
already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when
suddenly
he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."
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dmiller
OUCH!!!! (Poor guy!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's a cartoon for y'all ---
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QuietThinker
OK...so...
Rene DesCartes walks into a restaurant.
He orders a lovely large dinner, and enjoys it immensely.
After he finishes, the waiter asked him, "Would you care for dessert, sir?"
Decartes replied, "I think not."
And *poof* he disappeared!
Teehee,
~QT
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Mr Incredible
Heres a Cowboy joke...
A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on a plane to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans and a cowboy hat. Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him.
"You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."
The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right.
What'd ya like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the young man with a hint of sarcasm, "How about nuclear proliferation?"
"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff---grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"
Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nukes when you don't know 's---?'
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Mr Incredible
ok here's another....(I think the lady on the bus is from TWI!)
"An intoxicated man"
An intoxicated man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"
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VeganXTC
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."
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polar bear
Pabst-Smir! Haaaaaa love it.
Can't wait to tell the friends at the boat club that one.
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Kit Sober
How could a cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay two days, and ride out on Friday?
His horse was named Friday.
What seven letters did Old Mother Hubbard say
when she opened her cupboard?
O I C U R M T
When can you put pickles in a door?
When it's ajar.
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polar bear
Here's one for the kids=
Two cannibal's are eating a clown=one turns to the other and says=does this taste funny to you.
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