Finding Jesus

[Pirate1974]

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service one Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The preacher turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I didn't, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Sudo]

The burglar was cruising through one of our posh suburbs looking for a target of opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. All the gear had to cost thousands of dollars. He made a mental note and went on his way.

The next day he was back in the same neighborhood. When he drove past the house with all the goodies, he saw an elderly couple loading suitcases into the trunk of their car. He could hardly wait.

That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in.

It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal.

"I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said.

The burglar froze in his tracks.

"I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again.

When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shinned it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.

"I see you and Jesus sees you."

The burglar laughed.

"Just a dumb bird," he said.

The burglar closed the drapes (so that nobody outside could see what was going on inside) before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch.

"Sic him, Jesus!" the parrot said.