Internet Relationships

[FreeAtLast]

Since this topic has been resurrected I have cut and past my latest blog entry about this very thing. Online dating, which I have sort of given up on.

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Four years ago I became divorced and when one finds themself a divorced single mother of 3 it is difficult to find ways to meet potential suitors. The first year after my divorce I kind of dated a little but didn't get inlvolved with anyone until the end of that first year. Given my circumstances, I never was able to get out to meet people, and the bar scene to me wasn't the place to meet a man. As I faced this dilemma I was introduced to the wonders of the internet's online dating sensation.

In defense of the venue, I do know of many people who have found happiness with someone they have met on the internet but that has not been the case for me. I found something but it wasn't happiness. I found someone but not anyone I would consider normal. The internet turns dating into what McDonald's has turned dining. It's the fast food of dating.

With the onset of the internet personals dating has changed. No longer do you meet your potential partner through friends, family members, or doing everyday activities. Meeting them through known sources helps with the filtration process. The person would be most likely a relatively good person since a friend or family member who has knowledge of their life recommended them. Now you go online and view the listing of men/women as though it were a Macy's catalog. When you see one that "looks" good you start talking and if things work well you meet. Then you take it from there.

I have found that these situations aren't always as they appear. What a person portrays themself as on the internet is not what they truly are. What ends up happening is you meet and generally one or the other or both want to turn that first meeting into a long term situation. Something that we would in normal life (before the internet) have we spent weeks and sometimes months deciding. Now we just jump right in. It's not right and maybe why the divorce rate is rising each year.

I want to share my latest story. I had given up on internet dating for the most part. I never want to close the door on options but I am very cautious about someone that I have never met. I stay out on the internet for a number of reasons; friends, family and blogging. I love to write my thoughts and ideas. I have a few profiles out there because I can't seem to get them to delete me. But I won't pay for any of them.

As I have been writing my blogs on MySpace, many people were reading them and enjoying my anecdotes, and consequently I started to have people ask me to be on their friends list. Unless I see a naked picture of someone on those profiles (lol) I generally allow anyone to be added.

One person in particular joined and I allowed him to become a part of my friends list. I would get the occassional one liner from him or the silly chain emails. One of which was a questionaire asking a series of questions having to do with my romantic intentions toward the sender. Well the email kind of annoyed me since I didn't even know this guy, but I wrote back anyway and stated that I couldn't answer the questionaire because I didn't know him and that he should ask me in a few months after I have had time to get to know him a little. I got a response that I didn't expect, he had stated that I gave a good answer and he wanted to get to know me better, much better. That response caught my attention and I started to converse more with this man. We agreed to meet that night and spend some time together.

Ok let me summarize. I met this guy on MySpace started talking to him one morning and agreed to meet with him that night. A little quick and this was only to be a "get to know you" evening. They guy was so defeatist from the beginning saying that I would say sorry no chemistry and end things. I don't believe you can find that out in one night, and the negative comments kept coming from him. I was starting to wonder if I had made a mistake in agreeing to meet him.

Well I did meet him and we went to a hole in the wall bar at 11 pm to play pool. The guy was all over me, and in public. When I told him that I thought PDA was rude. He felt it was not rude, and that if it made people uncomfortable then they were just jealous. The bar was filled with couples and other than him pawing on me all night none others were displaying such affection in public. I found it to be his way of letting everyone know I was with him and it was not at all attractive, but considering the insecurity he had shown earlier I decided to bear with it. I hadn't even know this guy more than 24 hours and he is all over me in public and talking like we are going to be a couple from that point forward. If he had read my blogs I might think he knew me a little but he admitted to never having read them. So there were a few RED FLAGS!!!

I was supposed to hang with him the next evening but had to cancel after a family problem arose that needed my attention in conjunction with the fact that I was exhausted because I was out with him until 3am then had to get early to drive my girls to voice lessons and to see their dad. By the time I got home I had a ton of work to do and I was completely exhausted. I offered to him the option to go out the next night, to which he responded, "I am not available tomorrow night." Well what does one do. There was nothing I could do. It would just have to be another day.

Now he is asking me if we were on tonight. He told me that he wasn't available!!!! I made no plans for the kids let alone the planning involved mentally and physically. I didn't yet see his emails when came the text messages the voice mails the emails the insults and hurtful comments. All this because I wasn't sitting at the computer 24/7 to field his emails, and my phone was dead and I didn't see his texts and get his calls. More RED FLAGS!! And it didn't even take months to see this.

This is why I don't do the online dating thing. However, in defense of the online scene I have made several friends through that venue. Those that I believe will be friends for a lifetime. But most people on the dating sites are wanting to find love and find it fast. No one wants to invest the time and energy necessary to build a relationship anymore. Is online dating stuff is much of the reason why?

[Belle]

More RED FLAGS!! And it didn't even take months to see this.

This is why I don't do the online dating thing.

And that's why I DO like online dating.

Honestly, I would have left as soon as the guy turned into an octopus thereby eliminating any additional "drama" that might ensue. That's what I don't get - why sometimes we seem to have this quota of needing 10,000 RED FLAGS before doing something about the situation. I mean, isn't that what so many of us did regarding TWI and why we were sucked into it for so long? :unsure:

When I'm online dating, I like to meet the person in person as quickly as possible. That way, all the quirks, idiosyncrasies and whatnot is "out there" rather quickly. I also choose the place and it's an oyster bar I frequent even when I'm not dating. It's casual, near my house and the servers there know me.

I also make it clear that I'm not in any hurry for a relationship - I'm DATING - that means I am, or could be, going out with other men until I reach a point of wanting an exclusive relationship with just one. I expect they are doing the same. If someone can't or won't respect that then they are asked to pack their drama and move along.

We have to set boundaries and enforce them. We teach people how to treat us and when we allow them to violate our personal boundaries; when we ignore red flags and when we play games - we are only hurting ourselves.

[pinklady]

I did the internet dating thing for just a few short months and this is what I learned. My freind put my profile on because she wanted me to see that as a woman in her forties I was not a lost cause. I was married a long time, and my my self esteem was very low.

It was very interesting. I became very popular and I had tons of mail to read each day. I was surprised at the variety of ages that responed. Men in their 20's to their 50's were writing. Also alot of men wanted to get married before meeting me and alot wanting to fly here. or fly me there! I only met a select few, It was always at a public place like a coffee shop..

I found that most of their pictures were 10 years earlier and they were quite heavier!!! lol! Not that looks are everything but honesty is. You just can't start a relationship of any kind when the first impression is false. I let them know that I just wanted freindship now and one guy really said he could do that but that only lasted 3 dates. I agree that people are in too much of a hurry on these dating sites. If you are not intimate with them they want to move on and I have some boundaries that they did not like!! lol!

I don't know if I will try it again.... I think it is important to take time to know yourself and love yourself and do things that you enjoy doing. I don't really think total opposites should attract. My ex was quiet and wanted to read constantly and I am a people person and love to have fun. Mabe going and doing what you like, you will meet someone with similar interests. I don't want to go searching for love, he will have to find me!!

[Rocky]

Is THIS subject really "about the Way?"

Anyway, I did the internet dating thing once. It was fun. It was interesting. It was adventurous. But it wasn't something that could turn into anything long term.

Because... as some said on this thread, you just really can't get to know people in this kind of setting -- well enough for it to be the basis for a genuine, emotionally intimate relationship. MAYBE, if the geographic distance is NOT significant, it MIGHT be reasonable to meet someone (indeed, in public first, and perhaps second and third also), then decide whether you can be friends who talk by phone and spend non-threatening time together... but that's about all it's good for... IMO.

:)

[railroader II]

They guy was so defeatist from the beginning saying that I would say sorry no chemistry and end things. I don't believe you can find that out in one night, and the negative comments kept coming from him. I was starting to wonder if I had made a mistake in agreeing to meet him.

Well I did meet him and we went to a hole in the wall bar at 11 pm to play pool. The guy was all over me, and in public. When I told him that I thought PDA was rude. He felt it was not rude, and that if it made people uncomfortable then they were just jealous. The bar was filled with couples and other than him pawing on

Freeatlast: It sounds like this guy was a moron. As Belle said, there were red flags all over TWI but a LOT of us tried to ignore them because we did, for a long time believe what was being said. You can have the same online. A person can be so nice and charming online and yet in real life turn out to be the creature from the black lagoon. My spouse & I actually met through TWI and we've been married more years than I can count. When we started going out, we took things 1 step at a time and we set some very specific ground rules for conduct right from day 1. Even when things were at their worst we adhered to them and we do to this day. My point is this: If you find a person you are interested in, be up front with them and learn to trust your instincts. If yiu have a bad feeling, it is most likely God trying to protect you from a mistake that literally could be fatal. If you are willing to listen, God will protect you. It does not matter if you are a TWIt or not. He does not want harm to come to His kids.

Remember this: "It behooves one to be wary when among strangers and not to trust too much."

Also: "Living a life is much like climbing mountains - the summits are always further off than you think, but when a man has a goal, he always feels he is working toward something."

Whether a relationship, a new career or getting over "TWI" we are all working toward something, including helping the innies that read these forums.

Listen to Belle and some of the others. I probably haven't met a lot of them but most of them I would tend to trust 110%

[FreeAtLast]

Thanks guys. I only did one date with the guy and that was it. He asked me to "give him another chance" I told him that all he was to me was friend material after his display toward me a total stranger. he said he didn't blame me and now we are on-line friends which is where it will stay from this point forward.