I have to agree with you here. I'm not an overly suspicious person, and while I have some experience my details aren't really important--my experiences were all fine. Because of my Dad's career (he was a police officer) and my oldest brother's job, I now have everyone checked. Real background checks.
Also, I try to get to know the people who know the person I might be interested in--I find recommendations or warnings from outside sources to be helpful.
Since I have children, I don't have any qualms against doing checks. The gentlemen I've seen have understood my priorities.
I've met LOTS of people (girls and guys) online whom I've also met in person. I've got quite a few friends, too, whom I've never met in person. I think a pretty good deal of it comes from the ability to read and get a "feel" for people.
If you're a bad judge of character in personal, face to face interaction, then definitely DO NOT trust yourself to be a good judge of character online. If you're usually a pretty good judge of character (none of us is perfect), then apply the same techniques to your online correspondence.
The folks I've met on GSpot I've "known" for years on here before we ever met in person. YEARS - so there's a lot of history and correspondence between all kinds of people to observe so that we have a pretty good idea of what the people are like. I felt completely safe contacting George when we were in Seattle. I had already figured he was much more fun and laid back than he wanted us to think on here. ;) BUT, he was even MORE fun than even I suspected - and full of extremely interesting information. The Weenie Roast was like that for me, too. Everyone was a delight to meet in person! There's always going to be at least one encounter with someone who turns out to be nothing like you suspected, but usually those people have everyone else fooled too. That kind of person is just really good at hiding their true nature.
I've met a couple of people here that developed into more than just "friendship" interests. Because there's usually going to be a few people on here who know that person, I always check for "references", if you will, to make sure I've got an accurate perspective on who the person is "in real life". I've contacted many of you about other posters when they've expressed an interest in me privately. But even that's not entirely reliable because how someone was "when you knew them" doesn't mean they are still like that today.
I also let a few people know who I'm seeing (real and online names), what we're doing, etc. One very kind friend on here called me not a few times to check on me the first time someone came to visit me AND the first time I went to visit him. I do that with local meet ups as well.
I've dated quite a few men I've met online through dating websites and through non-dating websites. First, we move from e-mail to IM and I IM a while before swapping phone numbers. After we talk on the phone for a bit and if we're still interested. THEN we meet at a neutral, public place the first few times - I don't let them pick me up, know where I live or work. If I'm really not sure if we're compatible, we meet for coffee downtown and if things go well from there, we may walk around the public park or move on to dinner. If not, we split and it's only been a short time and a few bucks. I don't move as slowly as my former manager does, but I still go through the steps. He'll "talk" to someone for at least amonth before meeting in person. I'd just as soon meet in person as quickly as possible because the "chemistry" has to be there too.
I'm very much "me" online and friends tell me I type like I talk. I am selective about how much personal stuff I share online, GSpot is a bit different because of the format here, but everywhere else online I'm much more selective about who and what I share. It takes a LONG TIME for me to share really personal information online.
I run a website that is made up of a group of "friends" who all met on another online site. We all "clicked" in one way or another and really enjoy conversing, but couldn't/wouldn't get into really personal stuff on such a "public" website. I started the website; it's very private and membership is by invitation only. We've all known each other for about three years now and are like one little family, but not one of us has met in person. We share marriage problems, parental unit problems, job issues, etc. It's married and single folks from 21 years old to 60 years old, so there's the gamut of perspectives and life issues. We share jokes, philosophical thoughts, self-help projects, personal issues..... just everything about life. I feel completely safe around them, but it's been a long time in developing that kind of kinship.
Sites like myspace are a waste of time regarding anything "substantial" friendship or relationship wise, imo. They are not conducive to REALLY getting to know people - it's all for show and fun. You can't get to know someone for who they really are through that kind of environment. I liken it to the local bar where the music is too loud, people are coming and going, dressed to impress and there's no substance to anyone you could meet there. If I visit a site like that, it's just to look around and have fun. Nothing more, usually - not always, but more times than not, imo.
I saw a news report on a girl who had gotten to be good friends with another girl through myspace. She wanted the friend to come visit her and when the girl said she wouldn't be able to do that because of money and her mother's protectiveness. The "girl" came back later and said her daddy would buy the plane ticket and call her mom to prove it would be safe. The "dad" did call the mom and put her totally at ease with the whole situation, but it turned out that the "dad" was actually a predator and there was no "daughter" that the other young girl had been corresponding with.
I think a big problem is that we tend to be very secretive and private after all the interference we experienced in TWI. It makes us want to protect ourselves and keep EVERYTHING about our private lives from other people. That is not safe when it comes to online friendships. We don't have to give out the nitty gritty details, but we DO need to let folks know that we're "getting to know 'so & so' better" in offline conversation. That way, if they know something about 'so & so', they can tell you.
Belle gives great points and examples. The plane ticket for the girl give me shivers and makes me ill.
I met my husband through yahoo personals. I dated pretty extensively online for about 9 months. In any situation where all you have is words, you have to have a good BS meter going. Or at least a good memory to remember everything they have told you to be sure nothing contradicts that which they told you previously. If you notice a discrepancy, ask them why the difference than what was told before and see how they handle it. If you instant message with that person, be sure to keep archiving ability on so that you can go back and really see what was said in previous conversations.
I cannot express to NEVER meet anyone without a friend or family memeber knowing where you are going. Have that person call you on your cell (who lives without one these days??) during your meeting with the online person. Set up ahead of time for them to ask you yes and no questions ahead of time. It doesn't even hurt to have one of the questions as "Do you need me to call the police to come and get you?" If somone online is a worthwhile friend or potential mate, that should not be a problem. If it is, then they are not real in their intentions.
my sister is with a guy she met on the net.. and found out he is bi-polar after she moved in with him.
she has also met some "winners" in real life like the bar.
my kid met her man in a chat room on the phone.. fell in lvoe and now it has been one surprise after another nothing major yet but still i wonder about it.
i do not agree that everyone plays their real self on the net by far.
i have come a long way today i think it is about as safe as meeting them face to face. I also trust very few.
do not trust people.. i have ben conned plenty and humble enough to admit it.
i try to think of my self as one who thinks the best of others and like to arrange my life in this thought.
i still do notlike surprises and i have had plenty.
i think it takes a long time to meet a person who is honest many people live in denial in their life. theyndo not see the issue.
it may be a huge issue.
i have yet to meet anyone in person on line. i doubt i ever will .
I've met Raf and he's a pretty nice guy... and was exactly how I thought he'd be... (although he doesn't look so much like Jon Lovitz in real life)...
Yeah, erroring on the side of caution is a must... but I do feel that if I've been corresponding with folks here for years, if I've got any smarts at all, I've been able to figure out "how" they are...
I miss the get-togethers of the twi years, but am content with things the way they are, and my current situation requires me to get involved with other Christians and other Christian groups for food, fun, fellowship, and the Word.
August of this year is 11 years since I got the boot. And I am so thankful to be able to be out of that place.
(lcm kicked me out, and I will be forever grateful for that act of mercy upon me.)
When I first met Ted in person, I insisted on a formal introduction. That wasn't to be proper, but was safer. I knew of Ted Ferrell from JN and we had corresponded through email, snail mail, and phone calls. Since I hadn't actually met him, I thought it was best that we were in a "safe place". We were with another couple, in a neutral place.
In a few weeks I'll celebrate my 3rd wedding anniversary (should say the 3rd anniversary of my [2nd] wedding). But we were seriously together for 5 years before that. We met on the internet.
Here's my story/advice. Your mileage may vary.
To be successful in any relationship, you have to know certain things about yourself. When I left my first marriage it was not because my ex was crazy - though she was/is. She has a diagnosable personality disorder. But I left because I started to learn why I had been attracted to someone like that. And I learned I no longer wanted to be that kind of person. I realized that all my serious relationships in the past had been with people similar to my ex. What's the common denominator here? Me. My current wife is very different and that's a sign to me how much I've changed.
So my first advice is learn why you got in the way. If you still in a similar group, with similar beliefs (though of course only the good ones) you'll probably find yourself attracted to similar people.
Also learn about personality disorders - they were rampant in the way. Learn about the ones that you were attracted to and how to spot them.
Being divorced in my 40's, living in an isolate suburban community, and working for myself did not bring me around very many eligible women. I started to meet people through the internet and personal ads. Most went like this - we'd email for a while then graduate to a phone call. Then finally to a "date". But these turned out more like job interviews than two people who liked each other having a good time and getting to know each other better.
I had also been involved in a profession (business coaching) that does a lot of work over the phone. I was aware of some of the dynamics that happen when you develop a relationship without face to face meetings. You almost always "invent" what the person sounds like, looks like, smells like, how their body moves, how their face reacts to things etc. You are always wrong.
It wasn't planned this way, but my wife and I did it differently. Her profile said she had kids and was kidless every other weekend. (We lived about an hour apart). I emailed and said so was I - how about getting together this weekend? She emailed back with her phone number. I called, offered to cook dinner and said we'd figure out something to do after. It turned out we went to a free, outdoor bagpipe concert. The good news is that since they all sound similar, it's real easy to hear a bagpipe playing "our song".
After that our schedules didn't allow for us to get together for another 2 weeks - during that time we emailed and talked on the phone at least once a day. In that context, email was a great way to get to know each other. You get to talk without being interrupted, and you get to sort our your emotions and thoughts before you respond.
So I'm a big fan of getting together in person before a lot of inventing clogs up the works. But that's just me. I don't recommend it, if you haven't learned a lot about yourself.
Often, the internet's assets are its liabilities also.
It is so accessible, at the ready, on any searchable level. A person feels they are in control when they are doing the keyboard thing; that they have the say-so for give and take, what they will divulge, share, or fabricate...and to some extent they do...but there are those that are not of the same frame and do soften, manipulate, prey, and exploit others...that's why some are so incredulous, devastated even, when they are taken advantage of on some level.
Some of the most unscrupulous manipulators and hurtful rollabouts were resident in Waydale and GS and perhaps even here now...under (yet another) new cover.
Likewise, some of the loveliest lifesavers and savourers of life have been here when I needed them...and when I needed them I trusted them...and those I "trusted" with electronic conversation and relationship (of sorts) never disappointed me, and often were a kind of healing balm thru some fretful times and some absolutely okay times.
The netscape is a very Matrix world...to navigate it is to walk smart, and stay aware...same way up front, in person stuff should/could/would be.
I have met some great friends on the internet. One guy who although he is bi-polar is a phenominal man. Has overcome insurmountable odds. I have a tremendous amount of respect for him. I have met him on several occassions. He even spent the night at our home during 2 different times when he was travelling. But I had met him several times before and when he was in rehab I visited him regularly there. He just recently lost his family and again, at the news of his wife's intentions to divorce him he made sound decisions and is doing awesomely.
Not so good?
I have met Numerous psychos online as well. Guys who want to get married a week after the first face to face. Being a single mom of 3 getting out is a bit difficult, so I turned to the internet. But I have since removed my profile from every dating site I was on. What I found happening was after I deleted them they would reappear and then I would get emails saying I had responses from sites I had never even signed up for. I still get emails, they are relentless.
Someone once asked me what I thought of internet dating. I think it's like what fast foods are to the restaurant business. Many people are out there to find someone and get married and don't want to invest the time it takes to really get to know someone. And thus the relationship causes unhealthy consequences to that person. IMO you can't get to know someone online because you can't be sure that they are being honest. People can be whoever they want to be online and I have found this true in 85% of the guys I have met 3-d. They aren't who they presented themselves to be.
How I have handled my online experiences is like many have posted already. correspond on the dating site for a while and when I felt they weren't internet stalkers I would give them my real email. Not the email my personal friends have but another email address that I use for things like signing up for games sites etc. Once I give them my email they also have access to my yahoo IM, but I am always hidden. I just don't have the time to chat on the computer all the time so when I am out there I hide. So IM is only for a select few.
If they prove to be someone I might want to get to know offline the next step is to offer my cell number. (it's not as easy to trace where I live with that number.) Then I will spend a while talking on the phone. They can't backspace so you learn more about someone talking real time. Usually that's where it ends for me. ( I hate talking on the phone - especially when there's nothing really riveting to talk about.)
The next step is to meet. If the conversation is good and the person seems honest I meet at Lola's. My favorite coffee shop. The people there know me and I am safe. If we have a good conversation and there seems to be chemistry there is a public park across the street from Lola's and I will either go there to hang or we will move it to dinner or dancing depending on the mood and the time of day. It takes a few of these neutral meeting times before I am ready to have them pick me up at my house. If it gets to that point I meet them outside my house because I don't want the kids to meet a guy unless it seems that he will be around for a while and at this point I am still not really positive.
To get to the point of considering long term possibilities (ie: marriage, moving in, etc) imo takes at least a year. You gotta learn what you can live with and find out if there is something you absolutely can't live with. Like my last bf (didn't meet him online - long story there). But he not only drank more than I liked he was a mean drunk and he gambles. Texas hold-em is his real love and I took a back seat to the booze, the cards and his buddy Mike. Those were 3 things I couldn't live with. He actually saw his buddy Mike more than he saw me. In a 2 week period I saw him once. It was after that I realized that I wouldn't be able to go the long haul with him. I found that out in a little over a month. Things that were unveiled as time went on. The final straw there was his pathological need to lie. Enough said, he was history. You can't find these things out just by sending emails back and forth. You have to spend face to face time with a person over an extended period of time to really know if a guy/girl is going to be someone you can live with.
I met my Bob online. One day I was looking at yahoo profiles and there he was. He happened to be online. We have now been together going on five wonderful years.
I agree you have to be careful about online dating but you have to take a chance when you meet someone if you ever want to be in a relationship.
When I would date online men I would chat with them and then copy the conversations and would be able to look back at what was said. If things didn't add up right I would drop them.
I met my Bob online. One day I was looking at yahoo profiles and there he was. He happened to be online. We have now been together going on five wonderful years.
Hmmm Vickles... I'm thinking the way you operate the vacuum cleaner had something to do with it!
One thing about TWI that was convenient was that anybody you dated already shared a belief system with you. How important are belief systems and how do you find out what you need to know without ruining the date atmosphere?
I think that internet relationships parallel traditional relationship in that, back in school you see someone you think is good looking, but you're cautious, so you try to find out what you can about the person before asking them out, or if you're a girl, trying to send obvious signals without coming off too forward. In the same way, the internet, like the school, gives the opportunity to "meet" people. You don't see what they look like, but you see what they talk like, and you can be attracted to their verbal expression just like you can be attracted to their looks.
But in each case, you have to spend time just the 2 of you to see if there's anything to work with for a relationship to happen. Also, in each case, you can tell immediately if the other person is being too pushy, which usually signals the end of it.
Just clicking this up to the top again in light of discussion on open forum regarding CatManDooDoo et al... Interesting that this thread piqued his interest enough for him to leave two posts on this thread, but left no helpful information on the subject...
In light of a bunch of new people showing up here recently, I thought this worthy of an encore performance.
Recently, I finally had the opportunity to meet Catcup and her husband. I was in their area because I needed to have a more advanced EEG done. She and her husband, Research Geek, were gracious enough to allow us to hang at their house since I needed to stay awake somewhat longer than I normally do.
It is only because we had a long history of chatting (approximately 8-10 years) that I even considered meeting her and her husband. I suspect it was the same for her. Both of us were rather involved when Waydale was up and running. She also laughed at most of my jokes.
In any event, I will agree with erring on the side of caution. It is more important to protect yourself than the possible feelings of someone you don't know very well.
BTW, Cat, next time we visit, I'm bringing my own frying pans.
Catcup-I think you nailed it when you said "they jump in too fast". I think that's the key.
The internet is just a tool, it's how you use it that determines what's beneficial or not.
So with that said, always take things slowly when it comes to developing relationships.
I will offer one piece of advice: ask lots of questions not only from the one you are interested in but from others who know them so you can get unbiased opinions.
It is one thing to talk,ie print out a bunch of stuff stories bs ect.. another to inneract with someone,
do something be involved in an activity.
At work we had somthing called teambuilding,made up scenearios and acted them out,figured a solution.
to a problem,yes there are problems in life.
Yes the internet is a tool,so how do you get to know someone over this device? I concur very slowly
An old mowtown song comes to mind.Cloud nine you can what you wanna be you aint got no responsibil-
ity. Same here no one knows you,maybe by thier prose or how they verbalize.But the content of that individual? Nope zip zero Until you at one time see them in "real life"
A bs meter applies Bedazzle em with brillance or baffle em with bs.
That is why I liked witnessing,A person had to do something emotions came into play,Anger grief joy
laughter.How are you going to do this online? It has been said a few times on this thread ,very slowly.
I honestly don't think it's available to "really" know anyone just by talking online. I've been online since the late 80's and early 90's.. Before there was an Internet, back in the ol' BBS/Tymnet era, and have made countless number of friends. But one thing is for certain, I never really knew any of them until I spend time with them, their families and/or their friends. Even just hanging with that individual was never enough, as most people put up a front usually without even knowing. I always like to get to know someone's friends, cause that usually speaks a lot about a person. Who they like to hang around and influence them speaks a lot about someone. That and they usually have seen behind the clouded "front", so you can get to know the person much better.
The internet is great for getting to know folks you never met, to dialogue and all that. But a real relationship takes work. ALOT of work. I'm not just talking about "romances", but friendships as well. There is always give and take in a real relationship, and many people are led astray thinking they can get around that by just chatting on-line. But that's the world today. Most are isolated from even their neighbor. It really is sad. And I'm not saying the Internet is to blame, but it's more people thinking they can have the same closeness, the same type of relationship, the same benefit of a relationship without the work.
My advice. Be careful. Stay in public areas. Always meet in groups. Get to know their friends and family. Never allow yourself to be isolated. And get a second opinion from your friends or family that go with you, someone you can trust that is honest and not afraid to tell you like it is. Relationships take time, so don't expect anything soon, and that means months at a minimum!
But then, "on-line" relationships are just that, "on-ilne" and not real. It's not until you've shared the time, the warmth, the ups, and the downs, given some, and received some with the goods and the bads, that's when you know whether it's a real relationship, or just a facade.
How many people in TWI thought your relationship with friends was real and would last a lifetime? And how many of those folks turned their back when they found out you left?
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WordWolf
I'll say what little I know-out of what little I'm willing to share.
:)
On the PLUS side,
you have the chance to get to know about a person's attitudes and personality,
with little or no consideration of looks, when beginning any friendship.
Also on the plus side,
those people who can be trusted are more likely to be more up-front and candid
about themselves, for good or ill, when they don't have to look you in the eye.
(Face-saving is almost instinctive in person, and harder to suppress.)
So, you can learn early on what will NOT work, and what would be an
"insurmountable obstacle."
On the MINUS side,
I'll add that-just because you've communicated with someone online for several
months, AND met in person,
is no guarantee that some devastating "secret" isn't lurking off-stage,
ready to torpedo everything that looked unassailable.
(Titanic, meet iceberg.)
That's true of relationships and friendships both.
And I'd say I've a fair number of friends I've met online,
and a number of acquaintances,
and a greater number I've never met face-to-face yet.
In conclusion, I'm reminded of something Aerosmith said
concerning relationships:
"'Falling' in love is hard on the knees."
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watersedge
ww you got a way with words, a good one
thanks catcup for starting a thread like this
side note: if looks have anything to do with having a good relationship,
then torpedo me now
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QuietThinker
hi Catcup,
I have to agree with you here. I'm not an overly suspicious person, and while I have some experience my details aren't really important--my experiences were all fine. Because of my Dad's career (he was a police officer) and my oldest brother's job, I now have everyone checked. Real background checks.
Also, I try to get to know the people who know the person I might be interested in--I find recommendations or warnings from outside sources to be helpful.
Since I have children, I don't have any qualms against doing checks. The gentlemen I've seen have understood my priorities.
Just a quick response,
QT
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watersedge
QT you are a smart lady
check up is always a good deal
and if anyone has qualms about it
they need to "hit the road"
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Belle
Good question, Catcup. :)
I've met LOTS of people (girls and guys) online whom I've also met in person. I've got quite a few friends, too, whom I've never met in person. I think a pretty good deal of it comes from the ability to read and get a "feel" for people.
If you're a bad judge of character in personal, face to face interaction, then definitely DO NOT trust yourself to be a good judge of character online. If you're usually a pretty good judge of character (none of us is perfect), then apply the same techniques to your online correspondence.
The folks I've met on GSpot I've "known" for years on here before we ever met in person. YEARS - so there's a lot of history and correspondence between all kinds of people to observe so that we have a pretty good idea of what the people are like. I felt completely safe contacting George when we were in Seattle. I had already figured he was much more fun and laid back than he wanted us to think on here. ;) BUT, he was even MORE fun than even I suspected - and full of extremely interesting information.
The Weenie Roast was like that for me, too. Everyone was a delight to meet in person! 
There's always going to be at least one encounter with someone who turns out to be nothing like you suspected, but usually those people have everyone else fooled too. That kind of person is just really good at hiding their true nature.
I've met a couple of people here that developed into more than just "friendship" interests. Because there's usually going to be a few people on here who know that person, I always check for "references", if you will, to make sure I've got an accurate perspective on who the person is "in real life". I've contacted many of you about other posters when they've expressed an interest in me privately. But even that's not entirely reliable because how someone was "when you knew them" doesn't mean they are still like that today.
I also let a few people know who I'm seeing (real and online names), what we're doing, etc. One very kind friend on here called me not a few times to check on me the first time someone came to visit me AND the first time I went to visit him. I do that with local meet ups as well.
I've dated quite a few men I've met online through dating websites and through non-dating websites. First, we move from e-mail to IM and I IM a while before swapping phone numbers. After we talk on the phone for a bit and if we're still interested. THEN we meet at a neutral, public place the first few times - I don't let them pick me up, know where I live or work. If I'm really not sure if we're compatible, we meet for coffee downtown and if things go well from there, we may walk around the public park or move on to dinner. If not, we split and it's only been a short time and a few bucks. I don't move as slowly as my former manager does, but I still go through the steps. He'll "talk" to someone for at least amonth before meeting in person. I'd just as soon meet in person as quickly as possible because the "chemistry" has to be there too.
I'm very much "me" online and friends tell me I type like I talk. I am selective about how much personal stuff I share online, GSpot is a bit different because of the format here, but everywhere else online I'm much more selective about who and what I share. It takes a LONG TIME for me to share really personal information online.
I run a website that is made up of a group of "friends" who all met on another online site. We all "clicked" in one way or another and really enjoy conversing, but couldn't/wouldn't get into really personal stuff on such a "public" website. I started the website; it's very private and membership is by invitation only. We've all known each other for about three years now and are like one little family, but not one of us has met in person. We share marriage problems, parental unit problems, job issues, etc. It's married and single folks from 21 years old to 60 years old, so there's the gamut of perspectives and life issues. We share jokes, philosophical thoughts, self-help projects, personal issues..... just everything about life. I feel completely safe around them, but it's been a long time in developing that kind of kinship.
Sites like myspace are a waste of time regarding anything "substantial" friendship or relationship wise, imo. They are not conducive to REALLY getting to know people - it's all for show and fun. You can't get to know someone for who they really are through that kind of environment. I liken it to the local bar where the music is too loud, people are coming and going, dressed to impress and there's no substance to anyone you could meet there. If I visit a site like that, it's just to look around and have fun. Nothing more, usually - not always, but more times than not, imo.
I saw a news report on a girl who had gotten to be good friends with another girl through myspace. She wanted the friend to come visit her and when the girl said she wouldn't be able to do that because of money and her mother's protectiveness. The "girl" came back later and said her daddy would buy the plane ticket and call her mom to prove it would be safe. The "dad" did call the mom and put her totally at ease with the whole situation, but it turned out that the "dad" was actually a predator and there was no "daughter" that the other young girl had been corresponding with.
I think a big problem is that we tend to be very secretive and private after all the interference we experienced in TWI. It makes us want to protect ourselves and keep EVERYTHING about our private lives from other people. That is not safe when it comes to online friendships. We don't have to give out the nitty gritty details, but we DO need to let folks know that we're "getting to know 'so & so' better" in offline conversation. That way, if they know something about 'so & so', they can tell you.
LOL! I've written a book, haven't I?
Sorry!
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Nottawayfer
Belle gives great points and examples. The plane ticket for the girl give me shivers and makes me ill.
I met my husband through yahoo personals. I dated pretty extensively online for about 9 months. In any situation where all you have is words, you have to have a good BS meter going. Or at least a good memory to remember everything they have told you to be sure nothing contradicts that which they told you previously. If you notice a discrepancy, ask them why the difference than what was told before and see how they handle it. If you instant message with that person, be sure to keep archiving ability on so that you can go back and really see what was said in previous conversations.
I cannot express to NEVER meet anyone without a friend or family memeber knowing where you are going. Have that person call you on your cell (who lives without one these days??) during your meeting with the online person. Set up ahead of time for them to ask you yes and no questions ahead of time. It doesn't even hurt to have one of the questions as "Do you need me to call the police to come and get you?" If somone online is a worthwhile friend or potential mate, that should not be a problem. If it is, then they are not real in their intentions.
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pond
I do not like a surprise.
my sister is with a guy she met on the net.. and found out he is bi-polar after she moved in with him.
she has also met some "winners" in real life like the bar.
my kid met her man in a chat room on the phone.. fell in lvoe and now it has been one surprise after another nothing major yet but still i wonder about it.
i do not agree that everyone plays their real self on the net by far.
i have come a long way today i think it is about as safe as meeting them face to face. I also trust very few.
do not trust people.. i have ben conned plenty and humble enough to admit it.
i try to think of my self as one who thinks the best of others and like to arrange my life in this thought.
i still do notlike surprises and i have had plenty.
i think it takes a long time to meet a person who is honest many people live in denial in their life. theyndo not see the issue.
it may be a huge issue.
i have yet to meet anyone in person on line. i doubt i ever will .
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frank123lol
For me.The internet lacks alot,Because I print some stuff how do you know my intent ?Humor?Personality?
Maybe in real life my expressions show what you can never see in print,Maybe I just plain suck with words
trying to describe stuff but in real life it is different.
In real life I have met Two greasespotters,One a friend of many years,Who would of thought?I thank God
for all your lives,Carry on brothers and sisters.
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Tom Strange
I've met Raf and he's a pretty nice guy... and was exactly how I thought he'd be... (although he doesn't look so much like Jon Lovitz in real life)...
Yeah, erroring on the side of caution is a must... but I do feel that if I've been corresponding with folks here for years, if I've got any smarts at all, I've been able to figure out "how" they are...
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Kit Sober
Internet is about all I can handle right now.
I miss the get-togethers of the twi years, but am content with things the way they are, and my current situation requires me to get involved with other Christians and other Christian groups for food, fun, fellowship, and the Word.
August of this year is 11 years since I got the boot. And I am so thankful to be able to be out of that place.
(lcm kicked me out, and I will be forever grateful for that act of mercy upon me.)
In hope,
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moony3424
When I first met Ted in person, I insisted on a formal introduction. That wasn't to be proper, but was safer. I knew of Ted Ferrell from JN and we had corresponded through email, snail mail, and phone calls. Since I hadn't actually met him, I thought it was best that we were in a "safe place". We were with another couple, in a neutral place.
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My3Cents
In a few weeks I'll celebrate my 3rd wedding anniversary (should say the 3rd anniversary of my [2nd] wedding). But we were seriously together for 5 years before that. We met on the internet.
Here's my story/advice. Your mileage may vary.
To be successful in any relationship, you have to know certain things about yourself. When I left my first marriage it was not because my ex was crazy - though she was/is. She has a diagnosable personality disorder. But I left because I started to learn why I had been attracted to someone like that. And I learned I no longer wanted to be that kind of person. I realized that all my serious relationships in the past had been with people similar to my ex. What's the common denominator here? Me. My current wife is very different and that's a sign to me how much I've changed.
So my first advice is learn why you got in the way. If you still in a similar group, with similar beliefs (though of course only the good ones) you'll probably find yourself attracted to similar people.
Also learn about personality disorders - they were rampant in the way. Learn about the ones that you were attracted to and how to spot them.
Being divorced in my 40's, living in an isolate suburban community, and working for myself did not bring me around very many eligible women. I started to meet people through the internet and personal ads. Most went like this - we'd email for a while then graduate to a phone call. Then finally to a "date". But these turned out more like job interviews than two people who liked each other having a good time and getting to know each other better.
I had also been involved in a profession (business coaching) that does a lot of work over the phone. I was aware of some of the dynamics that happen when you develop a relationship without face to face meetings. You almost always "invent" what the person sounds like, looks like, smells like, how their body moves, how their face reacts to things etc. You are always wrong.
It wasn't planned this way, but my wife and I did it differently. Her profile said she had kids and was kidless every other weekend. (We lived about an hour apart). I emailed and said so was I - how about getting together this weekend? She emailed back with her phone number. I called, offered to cook dinner and said we'd figure out something to do after. It turned out we went to a free, outdoor bagpipe concert. The good news is that since they all sound similar, it's real easy to hear a bagpipe playing "our song".
After that our schedules didn't allow for us to get together for another 2 weeks - during that time we emailed and talked on the phone at least once a day. In that context, email was a great way to get to know each other. You get to talk without being interrupted, and you get to sort our your emotions and thoughts before you respond.
So I'm a big fan of getting together in person before a lot of inventing clogs up the works. But that's just me. I don't recommend it, if you haven't learned a lot about yourself.
Good luck.
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MizMarple
Often, the internet's assets are its liabilities also.
It is so accessible, at the ready, on any searchable level. A person feels they are in control when they are doing the keyboard thing; that they have the say-so for give and take, what they will divulge, share, or fabricate...and to some extent they do...but there are those that are not of the same frame and do soften, manipulate, prey, and exploit others...that's why some are so incredulous, devastated even, when they are taken advantage of on some level.
Some of the most unscrupulous manipulators and hurtful rollabouts were resident in Waydale and GS and perhaps even here now...under (yet another) new cover.
Likewise, some of the loveliest lifesavers and savourers of life have been here when I needed them...and when I needed them I trusted them...and those I "trusted" with electronic conversation and relationship (of sorts) never disappointed me, and often were a kind of healing balm thru some fretful times and some absolutely okay times.
The netscape is a very Matrix world...to navigate it is to walk smart, and stay aware...same way up front, in person stuff should/could/would be.
I guess the watchword is wisdom.
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FreeAtLast
Internet friends/dating?
Good Story:
I have met some great friends on the internet. One guy who although he is bi-polar is a phenominal man. Has overcome insurmountable odds. I have a tremendous amount of respect for him. I have met him on several occassions. He even spent the night at our home during 2 different times when he was travelling. But I had met him several times before and when he was in rehab I visited him regularly there. He just recently lost his family and again, at the news of his wife's intentions to divorce him he made sound decisions and is doing awesomely.
Not so good?
I have met Numerous psychos online as well. Guys who want to get married a week after the first face to face. Being a single mom of 3 getting out is a bit difficult, so I turned to the internet. But I have since removed my profile from every dating site I was on. What I found happening was after I deleted them they would reappear and then I would get emails saying I had responses from sites I had never even signed up for. I still get emails, they are relentless.
Someone once asked me what I thought of internet dating. I think it's like what fast foods are to the restaurant business. Many people are out there to find someone and get married and don't want to invest the time it takes to really get to know someone. And thus the relationship causes unhealthy consequences to that person. IMO you can't get to know someone online because you can't be sure that they are being honest. People can be whoever they want to be online and I have found this true in 85% of the guys I have met 3-d. They aren't who they presented themselves to be.
How I have handled my online experiences is like many have posted already. correspond on the dating site for a while and when I felt they weren't internet stalkers I would give them my real email. Not the email my personal friends have but another email address that I use for things like signing up for games sites etc. Once I give them my email they also have access to my yahoo IM, but I am always hidden. I just don't have the time to chat on the computer all the time so when I am out there I hide. So IM is only for a select few.
If they prove to be someone I might want to get to know offline the next step is to offer my cell number. (it's not as easy to trace where I live with that number.) Then I will spend a while talking on the phone. They can't backspace so you learn more about someone talking real time. Usually that's where it ends for me. ( I hate talking on the phone - especially when there's nothing really riveting to talk about.)
The next step is to meet. If the conversation is good and the person seems honest I meet at Lola's. My favorite coffee shop. The people there know me and I am safe. If we have a good conversation and there seems to be chemistry there is a public park across the street from Lola's and I will either go there to hang or we will move it to dinner or dancing depending on the mood and the time of day. It takes a few of these neutral meeting times before I am ready to have them pick me up at my house. If it gets to that point I meet them outside my house because I don't want the kids to meet a guy unless it seems that he will be around for a while and at this point I am still not really positive.
To get to the point of considering long term possibilities (ie: marriage, moving in, etc) imo takes at least a year. You gotta learn what you can live with and find out if there is something you absolutely can't live with. Like my last bf (didn't meet him online - long story there). But he not only drank more than I liked he was a mean drunk and he gambles. Texas hold-em is his real love and I took a back seat to the booze, the cards and his buddy Mike. Those were 3 things I couldn't live with. He actually saw his buddy Mike more than he saw me. In a 2 week period I saw him once. It was after that I realized that I wouldn't be able to go the long haul with him. I found that out in a little over a month. Things that were unveiled as time went on. The final straw there was his pathological need to lie. Enough said, he was history. You can't find these things out just by sending emails back and forth. You have to spend face to face time with a person over an extended period of time to really know if a guy/girl is going to be someone you can live with.
Anyway, that's my philosophy on the point.
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vickles
I met my Bob online. One day I was looking at yahoo profiles and there he was. He happened to be online. We have now been together going on five wonderful years.
I agree you have to be careful about online dating but you have to take a chance when you meet someone if you ever want to be in a relationship.
When I would date online men I would chat with them and then copy the conversations and would be able to look back at what was said. If things didn't add up right I would drop them.
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Tom Strange
Hmmm Vickles... I'm thinking the way you operate the vacuum cleaner had something to do with it!
but congratulations...
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vickles
Guffaw!!!! LMAO That might have helped...
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johniam
One thing about TWI that was convenient was that anybody you dated already shared a belief system with you. How important are belief systems and how do you find out what you need to know without ruining the date atmosphere?
I think that internet relationships parallel traditional relationship in that, back in school you see someone you think is good looking, but you're cautious, so you try to find out what you can about the person before asking them out, or if you're a girl, trying to send obvious signals without coming off too forward. In the same way, the internet, like the school, gives the opportunity to "meet" people. You don't see what they look like, but you see what they talk like, and you can be attracted to their verbal expression just like you can be attracted to their looks.
But in each case, you have to spend time just the 2 of you to see if there's anything to work with for a relationship to happen. Also, in each case, you can tell immediately if the other person is being too pushy, which usually signals the end of it.
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Catcup
Just clicking this up to the top again in light of discussion on open forum regarding CatManDooDoo et al... Interesting that this thread piqued his interest enough for him to leave two posts on this thread, but left no helpful information on the subject...
Folks, ya can never be too careful.
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Sushi
In light of a bunch of new people showing up here recently, I thought this worthy of an encore performance.
Recently, I finally had the opportunity to meet Catcup and her husband. I was in their area because I needed to have a more advanced EEG done. She and her husband, Research Geek, were gracious enough to allow us to hang at their house since I needed to stay awake somewhat longer than I normally do.
It is only because we had a long history of chatting (approximately 8-10 years) that I even considered meeting her and her husband. I suspect it was the same for her. Both of us were rather involved when Waydale was up and running. She also laughed at most of my jokes.
In any event, I will agree with erring on the side of caution. It is more important to protect yourself than the possible feelings of someone you don't know very well.
BTW, Cat, next time we visit, I'm bringing my own frying pans.
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Ham
I wouldn't say its impossible, but if you can find the love of your life or hook up with good people on the internet, you are just plain LUCKY.
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polar bear
Catcup-I think you nailed it when you said "they jump in too fast". I think that's the key.
The internet is just a tool, it's how you use it that determines what's beneficial or not.
So with that said, always take things slowly when it comes to developing relationships.
I will offer one piece of advice: ask lots of questions not only from the one you are interested in but from others who know them so you can get unbiased opinions.
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frank123lol
It is one thing to talk,ie print out a bunch of stuff stories bs ect.. another to inneract with someone,
do something be involved in an activity.
At work we had somthing called teambuilding,made up scenearios and acted them out,figured a solution.
to a problem,yes there are problems in life.
Yes the internet is a tool,so how do you get to know someone over this device? I concur very slowly
An old mowtown song comes to mind.Cloud nine you can what you wanna be you aint got no responsibil-
ity. Same here no one knows you,maybe by thier prose or how they verbalize.But the content of that individual? Nope zip zero Until you at one time see them in "real life"
A bs meter applies Bedazzle em with brillance or baffle em with bs.
That is why I liked witnessing,A person had to do something emotions came into play,Anger grief joy
laughter.How are you going to do this online? It has been said a few times on this thread ,very slowly.
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TrustAndObey
I honestly don't think it's available to "really" know anyone just by talking online. I've been online since the late 80's and early 90's.. Before there was an Internet, back in the ol' BBS/Tymnet era, and have made countless number of friends. But one thing is for certain, I never really knew any of them until I spend time with them, their families and/or their friends. Even just hanging with that individual was never enough, as most people put up a front usually without even knowing. I always like to get to know someone's friends, cause that usually speaks a lot about a person. Who they like to hang around and influence them speaks a lot about someone. That and they usually have seen behind the clouded "front", so you can get to know the person much better.
The internet is great for getting to know folks you never met, to dialogue and all that. But a real relationship takes work. ALOT of work. I'm not just talking about "romances", but friendships as well. There is always give and take in a real relationship, and many people are led astray thinking they can get around that by just chatting on-line. But that's the world today. Most are isolated from even their neighbor. It really is sad. And I'm not saying the Internet is to blame, but it's more people thinking they can have the same closeness, the same type of relationship, the same benefit of a relationship without the work.
My advice. Be careful. Stay in public areas. Always meet in groups. Get to know their friends and family. Never allow yourself to be isolated. And get a second opinion from your friends or family that go with you, someone you can trust that is honest and not afraid to tell you like it is. Relationships take time, so don't expect anything soon, and that means months at a minimum!
But then, "on-line" relationships are just that, "on-ilne" and not real. It's not until you've shared the time, the warmth, the ups, and the downs, given some, and received some with the goods and the bads, that's when you know whether it's a real relationship, or just a facade.
How many people in TWI thought your relationship with friends was real and would last a lifetime? And how many of those folks turned their back when they found out you left?
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