A Strange Conversation 35 Years After The Fact

[nolongerlurking]

I have been doing some research into the lives of my mother and father who died in a 2 car crash in 1971. I was 16 and my brother 14 at the time. We were both at home when the accident happened, and were informed later in the evening when the County Coroner appeared at our door with the news.

Among other information, I recently came across the name and current address and phone number of the person who was driving the other car. I thought about it for a few days. Then last night about 7 p.m. California time, I gave the guy, who is now 63 years old, a call.

I wanted him to tell me what happened. I wanted to know what he saw. What my folks looked like after the accident. Where they were. The condition of their bodies. The activity that went on. Because, 35 years ago, my relatives thought it best to keep much of this information away from me and my brother. The absence of this information has left me with a huge "missing piece" in my life. I really needed to know.

The man's name is Gary. He was 28 at the time of the accident. He and his then wife and brother were driving to church on the highway. There was an intersection ahead with a 4-way light. His light was green. He was moving at highway speed -- about 60 mph. Suddenly, my father ran the red left turn light and darted out in front of Gary's car. Dad saw what was about to happen and gunned his engine. At the same time, Gary swerved to the right to try to avoid the collision. As fate would have it, both drivers chose to move in the same direction and collided. Boom. There was only one other car on the road at the time. That driver saw the accident happen but was not involved.

The occupents of Gary's car were wearing seat belts, which was unusual at the time. Gary and his brother were unhurt. Gary's wife sustained chest injuries, but was ambulatory. After everything stopped moving, Gary and his brother got out of the car to go check on my mom and dad. The driver of the other car, the witness, also stopped and came to investigate.

My mother was laying across the front bench seat. She was externally uninjured. But she had no pulse and was not breathing. They determined she was dead already. No CPR was attempted.

My father had been ejected from the car and completely pinned beneath it. They could not get to him to determine if he was still alive, nor could they see if he had external injuries. So they all waited for the police, fire dept, and paramedics to arrive.

When the authorities got there, they pronounced my mom and dad dead at the scene. Statements were taken from the occupents of the other car and from the uninvolved witness. After that, Gary and his wife and brother were taken to the hospital by ambulance to get treatment for his wife's chest injuries. He doesn't know what happened at the scene after he left.

Bottom line is my father screwed up. We all make mistakes like this every single day. Most of the time, our errors have forgiving results. This time, my dad's mistake cost our family everything. Everything.

Our parents were dead. We were in process of moving, so our house was sold and escrow was about to close. My relatives lived far away, and my brother and I didn't know any of them. Suddenly, our house was filled with strangers determining our fate and we were adrift in a sea of emotion and chaos. From that point forward, our lives changed completely. It was rough, very rough for a good while, but time passed, brother and I grew and made lives of our own. Now I am here, writing about this surreal event from my past.

I thanked Gary for his time and willlingness to talk to me and said goodbye. I am glad I called.

[Jim]

What a story. I haven't read anything quite so intense in a long time.

Not much I can add. Wearing seatbelts was not common back then and the cars themselves were not as safe.

[dmiller]

Closure is good.

Even if it takes years to do it.

Sorry to hear this happened, though. :(

I bet Gary has been thinking about this for many years too.

You probably helped him too.

[ChasUFarley]

I can't imagine what calling Gary was like, nor can I imagine what it was like to experience the loss of both parents at such a young age. You are incredibly brave on all accounts - I don't know how you did it - I don't think I would be able to!

Hugs to you!

[jardinero]

Wow, L. What a story. I'm so glad you called. I bet it was a tough call to dial, but what a gift that Gary was willing to discuss it with you (gift in the sense of offering some closure for you).

Where did you and your brother end up living after the house sold?

I remembered you had lost both your parents but hadn't realized you two were so young until you mentioned it on the mother's day thread. Tough events that shape us, eh?

((((((((((L)))))))))))))

Love you, dear!

J.

[excathedra]

speechless overwhelmed

heartfelt condolences and i-don't-know-what-word-to-use (admiration? not enough) for you and your brother

[johniam]

Wow. I know someone who was adopted and recently met his real parents. He said he was glad he got to do that. Different kind of closure, maybe, but I'm sure it felt good. I'm happy for you.

[krys]

Everyone wants a sense of history so I'm glad you finally have it.

If it had happened to me, I could not have handled the circumstances of my parent's death if it happened like that. I could not have accepted the fact that my father's mistake cost me both parents. I would have been bitterly angry the rest of my life. That's only me - others might react differently. However, keeping the details from you did protect your hearts until you were old enough to understand, and perhaps (I hope) forgive.

Thirty five years makes a world of difference on perspective.

[nolongerlurking]

Where did you and your brother end up living after the house sold?

J,

Craig and I lived together with my high school drama teacher for the summer. At the end of summer, I was hungry to be with family, so I moved to Missouri to live with my aunt. New guardian, new town, new high school, new friends, the works.

It was in Missouri, during my first year of college at MU Columbia, that TWI got me. I guess I was ripe for the picking for an organization that promised a sense of family and unconditional love. I went WOW and requested to be sent back to California and have been back here ever since.

Craig stayed in California with Neil & JoAnn for about 2 more years and then he also moved back to Missouri, where he remains to this day. In fact, he and his wife now live on the farm where my Grandfather raised my dad and his brothers and sisters. My 92 year old uncle, the only one of my mom or dad's siblings still alive, lost his wife and remarried several years ago. He moved into town to live with his new wife, and asked Craig and Debbie if they would live on the farm and take care of it in exchange for free rent. All happily agreed. Dave and I go back to visit them every other year or so. I feel good walking the land where dad grew up and Craig likes living there.

On another note, I plan "mystery trips" for my husband every now and then. I tell him to take some time off work and then transport him off to a surprise location to do fun stuff. I just planned one for mid-August. Turns out that Neil and JoAnn now own and operate a whitewater canoe school in northern California. I have made reservations for Dave and I to take whitewater canoe lessons with Neil. I haven't seen Neil or JoAnn, nor spoken with them in over 30 years. Neither of them know that it is me, Neil's old high school student who they took in after the death of my parents, that will be his client that weekend.

Surprises all around!

[nolongerlurking]

I have a question for you all.....

I suffer from bipolar disorder. I have often wondered if my life circumstances have caused/contributed to my emotional imbalances. I wonder if I allow myself time to really greive my folks passing, and get to the point where I can still have them in my life today via knowing their history, if my bipolar situation will ease up. What do you all think?

[TheEvan]

I think it could be healthy. I've just gone through a fact-finding episode concerning my parents. It was a bad shock that was difficult to digest, but I'm feeling better now.

A therapist (for you and me!) might be in order, especially if you suffer with emotional flare ups.

[excathedra]

bipolar disorder can result from severe emotional trauma at some time in life

http://bipolar.about.com/od/causes/

[templelady]

We live so much of our lives in the "NOW" in this age of telecommunications, space, Internet that we tend to forget how powerful the past is in our lives. Maybe that's why genealogy has become such a large hobby--we need to reconnect with those roots, we all have the questions, the what ifs?, the whys?, that we hold in our hearts hoping that some day some how we will have the answers. So glad you found some of yours.

[ChasUFarley]

I have a question for you all.....

I suffer from bipolar disorder. I have often wondered if my life circumstances have caused/contributed to my emotional imbalances. I wonder if I allow myself time to really greive my folks passing, and get to the point where I can still have them in my life today via knowing their history, if my bipolar situation will ease up. What do you all think?

If your thinking about your past triggered bouts of manic swings or depression swings, than perhaps your having this extra piece of information about your past will be helpful. I say this not knowing what medications you may be on, or other therapies you may be receiving - this is just my opinion and what I know about the disease, as I also have several family members who are bipolar.

[Dot Matrix]

I don't see why if you work through this horrific pain of loss and unheaval why that couldn't balance out some of the chemicals that play into our ups and downs.

I know a man who had a bad thing happen which triggered his, and I know of people who just "grew out of it"

I am blown away by your account here. I feel the shock through your writings. It was probably the best call you ever made was to call the other driver. It may have been good for him as well. betcha.

Edited June 24, 2006 by Dot Matrix