Sects Change gets a name change

[T-Bone]

News Force

Sects Change gets name change

by Crusty Potty Dunkin

Trinidad, Colorado. Sects Change Inc., the forerunner in the sects change industry, will be changing their name to reflect their broadening scope of operation and exciting new options they’re offering consumers. News Force spoke with Sects Change CEO, Catheter Bailey, after Friday’s press conference. “Once again our company is forging ahead into un-chartered waters and as always we cannot say more until our legal department squares away everything with the usual waivers and release of liability forms,” Bailey said. She talked more about the early days of Sects Change stressing what has always been her impetus for moving ahead. “Even at the age of twelve I remember having the distinct feeling of being a Methodist trapped in the body of a Presbyterian. That turmoil is what drove me to a career in psychology – trying to reconcile the inner tension I experienced. It wasn’t until 1986 while I was having an operation here at Trinidad that it occurred to me that a person could easily change what religious group they belonged to through a simple procedure.”

Until the formation of Sects Change Inc., the only way people could have safe sects was by using a Con-Dumb, a verbal affirmation method whereby the religious adherent would repeatedly chant, “Don’t try to con me – I ain’t that dumb.” With the meteoric rise of Acquired Intelligence Deficiency Syndrome and other sectually transmitted diseases in recent years many in the critical thinking community no longer consider the Con-Dumb a trustworthy method. Sects Change was the first company to develop a procedure for changing a person’s religious sect. Bailey continued, “We wanted to make it easy for someone to change their creed – take all the guessing and worrying out of it. We ran a series of tests to determine their sectual orientation and found a religion that was the best fit for them. Sometimes our tests would run into an anomaly - - or really something outside of our typical template of religious preferences. This past year we’ve been able to identify and articulate a number of preferences that forced us to expand our horizon. For instance, we now can identify an atheist and that will enable us to provide a non-religious viewpoint that’s perfect for them. We’re also developing some hybrid-views that cater to unique tastes. We’re going to offer a Baptist Whirling Dervish a combination of the mystical qualities of the Whirling Dervish sans dancing. Another hybrid-view we’re excited about that will appeal to the sadomasochistic group is the Gullible Skeptic. Seeing how we are moving outside religious circles we feel a more appropriate name for our company is Pay-Per-View.”

[topoftheworld]

Hmmm...I thought dropping acid was out of style.

[dmiller]

It is.

[T-Bone]

Hey it's been a long time since my "dropping acid days" - but it's kinda hard to control the flashbacks... :(