STUFF ---

[dmiller]

SUNDAY: PALM

IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."

"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON:

ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"

SUPPORT A FAMILY:

THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"

THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

GRANDMA'S AGE:

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.

GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."

JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

FIRST TIME USHERS:

A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.

WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE"

PRAYERS:

THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?"

"NO SIR," HE REPLIED,

"WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS:

"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."

THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.

"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING:

MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.

THE WATER PISTOL :

WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.

I WAS NOT SO PLEASED.! I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"

MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... ;"I REMEMBER."

LIFE AFTER DEATH:

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.

"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.

"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE,"THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL,SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU.

Edited June 11, 2006 by dmiller

[T-Bone]

Thanks, Dmiller - these are great !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SafariVista]

Very Funny DMiller~

[topoftheworld]

Love it!

[coolchef1248 @adelphia.net]

[I Love Bagpipes]

BRIGHTENED MY DAY!!!!!!!!!!

[DooWap]

BASEBALL IN HEAVEN

Two ninety-one year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.

It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, some how you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! .....But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday!"

... DooWap

[dmiller]

[dmiller]

Single Women Are Skinnier Than Married Women ---

A news report out shows that single women

are skinnier than married women.

The main reason citing evidence for this fact was ---

A single women comes home from work,

looks at what's in the refridgerator, and goes to bed.

A married woman comes home from work,

looks at what's in bed, and goes to the refridgerator!!

Edited June 18, 2006 by dmiller

[topoftheworld]

[dmiller]

Top -- you're skinny and single, right??

[topoftheworld]

Well-you're half right!

It's amazing what happen's when a woman passes a certain age. I was always skinny-bone thin, as some would say. Then, in a matter of months, even with my hectic schedule and eating habits (less than a bird would dine on) it started packing on. I'm still within the range that experts say is normal-but it is abnormal for me. I'm not used to having to think twice about what and when I eat.

Oh well-they say men like women with a little meat on their bones-maybe there's hope for me after all.