I feel for 'ya, man. You're pretty messed up and it's probably not your fault. Bi-polar, ADHD and all that goes with it. If I had my druthers, I'd take physical pain any day over psychic pain. I hope things get better.
Seems to me my life as it is right now is a miracle, I shouldn't be here, I should be dead, but I'm not. If people want to judge let them judge, but beware.
Recently I had to add a new med and it was hard to tolerate for a week or so, I was hearing things and getting edgy, but I pushed through it, it caused me to gain 20 pounds in 2 months, and I was very sick from the weight gain. I had to adjust and now I lost 10 of those 20. This .... isn't easy, and people who don't understand just better shut up and back off.
Seth -- Wanna move to Minney-soda??
I'll be your friend, hang out, do whatever. :)
I hear ya about the meds. :( Docs do a wonderful job of prescribing them --
and let YOU deal with the *side effects*.
One of *my guys* ( a client of mine in a group home I work at),
is both schizophrenic, and has advanced Parkinson's.
The meds he takes for the schizo thing (psychotropics), give him Parkinson's symptoms.
The meds he takes for Parkinson's (mostly Sinemet), give him schizophrenic symptons.
It's hard to tell what he is going through (daily) -- but we love him anyway. :)
He tells me (sometimes audibly - sometimes through gestures) what he wants,
and I make d@mn sure he gets it.
He used to take over 30 pills a day, and even though that it now reduced --
He still has the same seven different med times, on a daily basis.
(down to 21 pills daily).
Working with folks who have disabilities -- I have come to relate more to them,
than the *real world*. I don't give a ratzz foot for the *beautiful people*.
P!ss on the *real world* -- all they are about is the usual crap ---
money, glamor, fame, politics, success, etc.
I HEAR YA LOUD AND CLEAR. Hang in there, ok??
and if moving to Minney-soda isn't an option for you --
You can PM me ANYTIME. OK??
(PS -- a last side note here -- while out with some of my clients around town --
I will act as crazy as they can (at times) -- and the *real people* we see in town
are left wondering if there is anyone in charge of this insane group!!)
I completely understand and my heart hears you and goes out to you.
I was diagnosed with bipolar II in 2000; however, it was obvious that I had danced with this illness at least since my teen years. My moods were worse on the depression side and the mania was manifested more as anxiety and paranoia. No words can completely describe the torment. And in my opinion it is torment.
I am not giving advice here. Each individual has their own journey. I understand what it is like to have tried "everything" and nothing works. Yet I can say that I am now well. People may scoof at that, stating that one will always have this illness. And I understand that; the propensity may always be there. But I have learned to recognize triggers, learned how to navigate, learned how to embrace and understand these intense and deep emotions. I have learned how to "cocoon" and take care if I foresee syptoms flaring. All I can share is my own story and on that I am an authority. It is a long story and I will not share it here. But you can pm me if you wish.
If you are a reader (and I understand if you have trouble slowing your mind down long enough to read) there are some books I have found helpful that you might want to take a gander at. Journaling has been a life changer (literally) and companion for me. Nutrition, some type of "meditation," counseling, and having friends that understand have been my anchors as well. The stigma regarding mental illness sucks (I rarely use that word :)). It sounds like you have sucessfully navigated/are navigating that aspect of your journey.
Some books: The Natural Medicine Guide to Bipolar Disorder by Marohn(not the "typical" natural approach), New Hope for People with Bipolar Disorder by Fawcett, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Amen, The HeartMath Solution by Childre, Cry of the Soul by Alleander, Molecules of Emotion by Pert, and if you are a woman (though I know Seth is a male name :)): Women's Moods by Sichel.
hmmmm....found this journal entry from August, 2004. For what it is worth it gives a tiny peek at the difference between depression and anxiety. And when a person experiences both in one day (which can happen with rapid cylcing bipolar), the fear and torment is even more overwhelming.
Entry:
August, 2004:
"Yesterday I was in tears with anxiety. I was on the edge of paranoia....All I could see were all the tasks to be accomplished and all the standards to keep....
My son asked this morning what it was like:
Son: "Mom, you were on the verge of paranoia."
Me: "I know."
Son: "When that happens, do you get afraid you will die?"
Me: "No. In fact, death sounds like a welcome friend when paranoid. It is more like a terrible dread of total destitution, that I will become or am a complete failure. It is paralyzing and takes deliberate effort on my part to move forward. But it is different from depression."
To describe the difference:
Depression is utter despair, despondency. Depression is an extremely heavy state. Depression is like a giant slug that is dying. Flexibility exists but cannot be accessed. It is like a big, thick piece of rubber that if only one had the strength and will and ability to bend the rubber, one would. Yet the strength is not there. There is weakness and a great, indescribable heaviness. Depression is a deep, dark hole.
Anxiety and paranoia are quite different from depression. They are like glass: straight, flat glass; a broad endless sheet of glass. There is no flexibility. There is fear; fear that if a wrong move is made the glass will crack and the world will fall apart. It is paralyzing.
With depression there seem to be no options.
With anxiety there are 1000's of options, but you might choose the wrong one and fatality will result. You can see but all the options seem at a far distance or overwhelmingly close...and there are 1000's of options."
I have a niece who is bipolar, so though I don't live with it everyday, I "understand" to some degree that there are no easy, black and white answers to daily life.
Just wanted to send some love your way. Nice to see you here again.
How terrible for you to have to be going through this Seth.
It sounds like there are people around you that love you, their words that don't help are probably well meaning... but, they don't help.
I had a friend once that told me she was bipolar... at the time I was heavy into TWI... I brushed her off as being possessed... for that I'm still ashamed of...
I have an older brother who is mentally ill. My siblings and I oversee his care. His psychiatrist has said, that considering the extent of his illness, his quality of life is pretty good. We know it will never be great.
He lived with my parents for many years until their deaths, which was a hugely difficult time for him. Things are a little better now. He does find some simple pleasure in life, which is always good to see.
Take care! I hope you find support, friendships and some joy in life.
I spend time in the Bipolar chat on about dot com, and in between sleeping and eating I spend time with friends. For my own mental health I do not read the bible, but I do read Buddhist stuff, Dr. Wayne Dyer stuff, my recovery books. My focus is on helping myself and others. Some days the best I can do is not leave my room, because if I do there will be pain.
In the morning I goto see my psychiatrist and my therapist we have much to talk about.
I started smoking again, it seems to help me cope, so it's better then causing a scene.
My Buddhist teachings have been a great comfort to me lately.
The four nobel truths:
The truth of suffering
The true cause of suffering
The true cessation of suffering
The true path to the cessation of suffering
The Two Principles of Buddhism:
1. The interdependant Nature of reality
2. Non-violence (or Alltruism)
The concept of "No Independant Origination" is very helpfull too.
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Nottawayfer
(((((SETH)))))
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Sudo
Seth,
I feel for 'ya, man. You're pretty messed up and it's probably not your fault. Bi-polar, ADHD and all that goes with it. If I had my druthers, I'd take physical pain any day over psychic pain. I hope things get better.
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shazdancer
Hi Seth, glad to hear you are feeling better. I remember when you posted you were feeling poorly, and I was wondering what had happened.
Take care,
Shaz
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mstar1
Bless You Seth
Its those supposed "sane ones" who are out of their minds. Don't let them get to you!
find your own pace and tell em all to buzz off
I'll be pulling for you
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topoftheworld
Thank you, Seth, for your courage and your heart to share your difficulties.
Stay as strong as you can, and know there is a group of people who will pray for you.
Bless you.
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year2027
God first
Beloved Seth from NJ a.k.a. aeroseth
God loves you my dear friend
They say I am BiPolar type II myself so I might know somewhat
But as for meds and therapy the way the world thinks I should do I gave up on that way
I used reading the word of God for Meds
And for therapy I use a close old friend I talk to when I need to or I post here to people I trust in private
Nows things have seem to get better I do not hide at home nor do the ups and down come as must
But you can see my ups here
On ups I post tread after tread but when I am noral I post about one a week
but that does not count replys
But when I am down I write jokes and they help
Maybe knowing I am one too will help
thank you
with love and a holy kiss blowing your way Roy
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dmiller
Seth -- Wanna move to Minney-soda??
I'll be your friend, hang out, do whatever. :)
I hear ya about the meds. :( Docs do a wonderful job of prescribing them --
and let YOU deal with the *side effects*.
One of *my guys* ( a client of mine in a group home I work at),
is both schizophrenic, and has advanced Parkinson's.
The meds he takes for the schizo thing (psychotropics), give him Parkinson's symptoms.
The meds he takes for Parkinson's (mostly Sinemet), give him schizophrenic symptons.
It's hard to tell what he is going through (daily) -- but we love him anyway. :)
He tells me (sometimes audibly - sometimes through gestures) what he wants,
and I make d@mn sure he gets it.
He used to take over 30 pills a day, and even though that it now reduced --
He still has the same seven different med times, on a daily basis.
(down to 21 pills daily).
Working with folks who have disabilities -- I have come to relate more to them,
than the *real world*. I don't give a ratzz foot for the *beautiful people*.
P!ss on the *real world* -- all they are about is the usual crap ---
money, glamor, fame, politics, success, etc.
I HEAR YA LOUD AND CLEAR. Hang in there, ok??
and if moving to Minney-soda isn't an option for you --
You can PM me ANYTIME. OK??
(PS -- a last side note here -- while out with some of my clients around town --
I will act as crazy as they can (at times) -- and the *real people* we see in town
are left wondering if there is anyone in charge of this insane group!!)
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dmiller
And I ain't a sh!tt!ng about the pm thing. I know it can be rough.
I get *in the face* of the *beautiful people* all the time about their *discriminatory attitudes*.
they are jerks -- and NEED to be called on it. :)
Edited by dmillerLink to comment
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I Love Bagpipes
(((((((((Seth)))))))))))
Oh Seth,
I completely understand and my heart hears you and goes out to you.
I was diagnosed with bipolar II in 2000; however, it was obvious that I had danced with this illness at least since my teen years. My moods were worse on the depression side and the mania was manifested more as anxiety and paranoia. No words can completely describe the torment. And in my opinion it is torment.
I am not giving advice here. Each individual has their own journey. I understand what it is like to have tried "everything" and nothing works. Yet I can say that I am now well. People may scoof at that, stating that one will always have this illness. And I understand that; the propensity may always be there. But I have learned to recognize triggers, learned how to navigate, learned how to embrace and understand these intense and deep emotions. I have learned how to "cocoon" and take care if I foresee syptoms flaring. All I can share is my own story and on that I am an authority. It is a long story and I will not share it here. But you can pm me if you wish.
If you are a reader (and I understand if you have trouble slowing your mind down long enough to read) there are some books I have found helpful that you might want to take a gander at. Journaling has been a life changer (literally) and companion for me. Nutrition, some type of "meditation," counseling, and having friends that understand have been my anchors as well. The stigma regarding mental illness sucks (I rarely use that word :)). It sounds like you have sucessfully navigated/are navigating that aspect of your journey.
Some books: The Natural Medicine Guide to Bipolar Disorder by Marohn(not the "typical" natural approach), New Hope for People with Bipolar Disorder by Fawcett, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Amen, The HeartMath Solution by Childre, Cry of the Soul by Alleander, Molecules of Emotion by Pert, and if you are a woman (though I know Seth is a male name :)): Women's Moods by Sichel.
Much love,
CW
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I Love Bagpipes
hmmmm....found this journal entry from August, 2004. For what it is worth it gives a tiny peek at the difference between depression and anxiety. And when a person experiences both in one day (which can happen with rapid cylcing bipolar), the fear and torment is even more overwhelming.
Entry:
August, 2004:
"Yesterday I was in tears with anxiety. I was on the edge of paranoia....All I could see were all the tasks to be accomplished and all the standards to keep....
My son asked this morning what it was like:
Son: "Mom, you were on the verge of paranoia."
Me: "I know."
Son: "When that happens, do you get afraid you will die?"
Me: "No. In fact, death sounds like a welcome friend when paranoid. It is more like a terrible dread of total destitution, that I will become or am a complete failure. It is paralyzing and takes deliberate effort on my part to move forward. But it is different from depression."
To describe the difference:
Depression is utter despair, despondency. Depression is an extremely heavy state. Depression is like a giant slug that is dying. Flexibility exists but cannot be accessed. It is like a big, thick piece of rubber that if only one had the strength and will and ability to bend the rubber, one would. Yet the strength is not there. There is weakness and a great, indescribable heaviness. Depression is a deep, dark hole.
Anxiety and paranoia are quite different from depression. They are like glass: straight, flat glass; a broad endless sheet of glass. There is no flexibility. There is fear; fear that if a wrong move is made the glass will crack and the world will fall apart. It is paralyzing.
With depression there seem to be no options.
With anxiety there are 1000's of options, but you might choose the wrong one and fatality will result. You can see but all the options seem at a far distance or overwhelmingly close...and there are 1000's of options."
End excerpt
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CoolWaters
{{{{Seth}}}}
This is the best thread I've ever read here.
Thank you for this discussion...for your honesty...for bringing out the truth of reality...for helping some of us 'come out of the closet'.
I really needed to read this thread today. THANK YOU!!!!
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ChattyKathy
Seth, I admire your courage and honesty. Godspeed your peace of heart and mind. (((you)))
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jardinero
Hi Seth ~
I have a niece who is bipolar, so though I don't live with it everyday, I "understand" to some degree that there are no easy, black and white answers to daily life.
Just wanted to send some love your way. Nice to see you here again.
J.
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Scout Finch02
Wow! Thanks for your honesty. I don't know what to say other than that my heart goes out to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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SafariVista
How terrible for you to have to be going through this Seth.
It sounds like there are people around you that love you, their words that don't help are probably well meaning... but, they don't help.
I had a friend once that told me she was bipolar... at the time I was heavy into TWI... I brushed her off as being possessed... for that I'm still ashamed of...
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Shellon
Thinking about you Seth
A few months ago you were awaiting an appt with new docs, did they finally get you hooked up?
Kudo's to you, as many many many men don't take any action, prefering instead to hide and suffer.
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Bramble
Hi Seth,
I have an older brother who is mentally ill. My siblings and I oversee his care. His psychiatrist has said, that considering the extent of his illness, his quality of life is pretty good. We know it will never be great.
He lived with my parents for many years until their deaths, which was a hugely difficult time for him. Things are a little better now. He does find some simple pleasure in life, which is always good to see.
Take care! I hope you find support, friendships and some joy in life.
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Seth R.
Thankyou everyone for the support.
I spend time in the Bipolar chat on about dot com, and in between sleeping and eating I spend time with friends. For my own mental health I do not read the bible, but I do read Buddhist stuff, Dr. Wayne Dyer stuff, my recovery books. My focus is on helping myself and others. Some days the best I can do is not leave my room, because if I do there will be pain.
In the morning I goto see my psychiatrist and my therapist we have much to talk about.
I started smoking again, it seems to help me cope, so it's better then causing a scene.
My Buddhist teachings have been a great comfort to me lately.
The four nobel truths:
The truth of suffering
The true cause of suffering
The true cessation of suffering
The true path to the cessation of suffering
The Two Principles of Buddhism:
1. The interdependant Nature of reality
2. Non-violence (or Alltruism)
The concept of "No Independant Origination" is very helpfull too.
Thanks,
Seth
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