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Understanding Engineers


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Understanding Engineers- Take One

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it on the ground, took off her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyways."

Understanding Engineers-Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers- Take Three

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golfers!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's ask him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with the group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers- Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechs build weapons and civs build targets.

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Three engineers were going out hunting at an oldtimer's cabin out in the mountains.

The three arrived at the cabin before the oldtimer and noticed that the woodstove was set up in a normal manner in the corner, except it was sitting atop a table.

The three immediately started coming up with reasons as to why the stove was installed in such a manner.

"Obviously, it creates a thermal draft to distribute the heat more evenly" said the first.

"No, it's readily apparent that it will draw the denser air from higher in the room for more complete combustion", said the second.

"Oh, don't be absurd!" chimed in the third. "Anybody can tell that it's simply an ergonomic advantage for loading wood into the stove."

Finally, the oldtimer arrived, and when queried as to the design of the woodstove replied, "Well, that's all the stovepipe I had to get through the roof."

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Arguing with an engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig. After a few hours, you realize that he likes it.

I'm not sure what PETA would say about that ... I usually limit my pig mud wrestling bouts to 45 minutes, but I admire your stamina ... :biglaugh:

Edited by rhino
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Understanding Engineers- Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers- Take Six

Four engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer, just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The third said, "It was obviously a chemical engineer, just think about all the reactions taking place each second in the body."

The last one said, "You're all wrong, it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers- Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers- Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, exasperated the frog asked, "What is the matter with you?

I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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  • 4 weeks later...

During the French Revolution, a doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. First the doctor is lead to the guillotine, strapped down and the blade is released. The blade comes flying down and jams inches from the doctor's neck. The crowd shouts "a miracle, a miracle, set him free" and they set him free. Next the lawyer is lead to the guillotine and strapped down. Once again, the blade flys down and stops just inches from his neck. Again the crowd shouts "a miracle, a miracle, set him free" and the lawyer walks free. Finally the engineer is lead to the guillotine and as they start to strap him down, he points up and says "I think I see your problem".

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A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring...

which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by ....ing and moaning

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring...

which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by ....ing and moaning

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I had ants in the yard. Looked up on the internet and found "Spray with wd-40. It suffocates them."

Being married to an electrical engineer, there is handy wd-40 under the sink, in the closet, in the shed, etc.

Tried the wd-40 on the ants, and it appears that wd-40 has once again done its job.

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And there's also the story of what happened when the Lord gave instructions to current day engineer, Noah, to build the ark:

Noah in 2006

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now

living in the United States, and said, "Once again,

the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I

see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark

and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good

humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You

have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the

unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months

later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in

his yard -but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about

to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have

changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing

with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler

system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the

neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my

yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to

go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond

be posted for the future costs of moving power lines

and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage

for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the

sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing

of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a

ban on cutting local trees in order to save the

spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists

that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights

group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild

animals against their will. They argued the

accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel

and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined

space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until

they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your

proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a

complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many

minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the

green-card status of most of the people who want to

work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist

I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building

experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all

my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country

illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10

years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,

and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up

in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to

destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

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