There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant
motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
Medic - what's with the question mark at the end? Are you asking me or telling me? Is that one of those southernisms - where you're stating something in the affirmative but your voice inflection goes up at the end - so it sounds like a question. :blink:
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coolchef1248 @adelphia.net
groan is right but funny!
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Raf
Where is baseball mentioned in the Bible?
Right in the Big Inning.
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Sudo
Oh, And I forgot to tell yous where cigarette smoking is first mentioned in the Bible...
When Rachel came to Jacob's camp she saw him from afar and.... lit off her Camel®
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Sushi
Let's not forget the New Testament occurrence.
In Acts, Paul sprang in and called for a light.
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J0nny Ling0
Q.) Who was the second smallest man in the Bible?
A.) Nehi-miah
Q.) Who was the number one smallest man in the Bible?
A.) Bildad the Shuhite
Heard of those evil animals in the Bible?
The wicked flea.....(and I forgot the others)
Where was Adam the night before The Fall?
On the Eve of destruction
What did Adam say the first time he made love to Eve?
"Better stand back Eve, I don't know how big this thing gets!"
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Sudo
Johnny,
How 'bout when tennis was first mentioned in the Bible?? It was again... Genesis.... when Joseph served in Pharoah's court!!
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J0nny Ling0
Ya know, Sudo, I had not heard that one!
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dmiller
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Suda
Church Smiles
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant
motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
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topoftheworld
''Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth"
ROFLMAO!!!!
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coolchef
we forgot about bugs not having sex!!
"flee fornifacation"
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T-Bone
Commercialized Translation of Genesis 1:3
3. Then God clapped His hands, and there was light. God clapped His hands again – and there was darkness.
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oilfieldmedic
I don't know any?
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T-Bone
Medic - what's with the question mark at the end? Are you asking me or telling me?
Is that one of those southernisms - where you're stating something in the affirmative but your voice inflection goes up at the end - so it sounds like a question. :blink:
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topoftheworld
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the
foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on
either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked
up, stood beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, "Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?
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J0nny Ling0
Good One!!
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oilfieldmedic
Hey T-Bone...you understand!
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