TheHighWay

Happy 6th year of total freedom!!!!! Somehow I thought you guys had left long before I did, but my sixth anniversary is this fall, so HOORAY for us!! HAPPY OUTIES DAY.

Waysider, Our intentions were good, but the bad choices were to trust the wrong people, to ignore the warning signs, to turn our heads away from what we didn't like, to deny our own gut feelings, to pretend we were happy and prosperous when we weren't... YES, the bulk of the blame goes to those to took advantage of our good will. That's hard to deal with. But at the same time we did, at some point, become complicit in our own demise. That's even harder to deal with.

You bring up a good point, Twinky... For those who lived at HQ, Indiana, etc. some version of ROA happened several times a year at every "big" weekend event. LOTS of prep-work, LOTS of behind the scenes work to keep the field folks happy. I remember working a family camp at Gunnison and being told our job was to get things done without the attendees KNOWING how hard we were working. If they were eating, we were setting up their class. If they were in class, we were setting up the hillside sing. If they were singing, we were setting up their meals. To them, it was supposed to be as if God himself just made it ready for them. Again, let me say, MOST of the time I truly enjoyed this work. It felt good to know that we were a part of treating a bunch of good folks like royalty. It was fun. It only got awful when you had some pinhead overseer who thought they needed to control your every moment. <_< Let's face it, the more regulated ROA got, the worse it got: MUST attend morning teachings as well as evening teachings. MUST work in your designated work area with the rest of your state. MUST attend your local fellowship's gathering in the afternoon. BLAH!!!!!!

"My choices may be imperfect now, but at least they are mine and I take responsibility for making them." BINGO!!! That's exactly how I feel. And yes, after six years of freedom, I have certainly made some mistakes... duh. But the consequences come and go a lot faster when you don't have someone throwing them in your face over and over and over again, long afterward. Personal freedom is a wonderful thing.

Radar, my apologies. I didn't in any way mean to belittle the staff who DID work their butts off for the HQ events. I know there were lots of you who did. And switchboard... geez, I woulda been a basket-case at the end of ONE shift!! In my experience it was (as always) the higher-ups on staff that did more "directing" and less "working" during the busiest times on grounds. Thanks for all your heart and good work!!

Great link, WordWolf... I don't understand how it works, but I've always found the Jung-Myers-Briggs test to be highly accurate.

Great memories: My first Rock of Ages. My first PFAL class. My first time visiting Emporia. The best was pretty much the first few years, when all I saw was the surface of twi and the depth of God's Word. After that, it flipped. I saw the more and more of the underbelly of twi, and more of the just the surface of the Word.

Ditto to the workload killing the fun!! And yes, many HQ staff regulars got off with little or no added work! But let me tell ya, the in-rez Corps got slammed!! We got booted from our dorm rooms and shuffled into the corps tents well before corps week, (so they could re-clean the dormatories, which already got cleaned twice a day, for the great and holy leader....) and we could only move into our own tents, etc. at the official beginning of Corps week. (meaning you had to move and reset all your stuff twice... just ridiculous!!) During the weeks of set-up we shuffled back and forth between our regular work duties and the set-up duties-- pretty much guaranteeing a 10-12 hour work day -- and then during corps week and roa, we pulled regular work shifts plus "floater" duties as assigned. (Like port-o-potty maintenance, and babysitting leaders' kids) And you know, for most of my time in-rez, I was still happy to do it. (hey, I was young and enthusiastic) Happy to know that I was making the place great for everyone else to enjoy. Until my last year... what a nightmare. I was asked (expected) to be a part of Way Productions, which was fine, except that meant I had about a dozen songs to learn in about three days. But, they wouldn't allow that to be my "floater" job. Once again, I had potty-detail. And when another corps girl and I split our shifts between us, because we were smart enough to realize that it didn't take two of us to flush and refill the potties each time, we both got our butts chewed off for not following our overseer's direct order of "two-by-two". (oh my god) After that, I just didn't give a rip anymore. Hated going. Hated being there. Did everything I could to stay in my tent to listen to the teachings. Couldn't wait to leave. The only thing I enjoyed was working the ice cream tent. Loved serving that ice cold creamy goodness to hot, sticky folks!

UHHHHH, caravans!!! Don't get me started...

White Dove, I have been feeling that ol' itch myself (road trip! road trip!) but I've never linked it to my annual treks to Ohio. You could be right. It could have gotten imprinted on my brain that I must travel in early August. What year are those pics from? (before my time, certainly) My first Rock was 1981. Still, some decent times back then. Sweat like crazy. Get rained out. Help everyone reset their tents. (repeat)

It isn't a sense of loss over leaving twi. It is a sense of loss over the opportunities missed, the chances gone, the time wasted. That's what is being mourned. With leaving twi comes the realization that a chunk of your life died while you weren't looking. And now that you are looking, you have to deal with that death. And even though I can look at my life as a whole and say, "It's been a pretty darned good life," and truly be thankful, at the same time, there is a sense of bitterness because the choices were MINE, the decisions were MINE, and I was stupid and naive and timid and willing to just go along. I made bad choices. If the loss of time and possibilities occurred because of conditions outside of my control, it would be easier to swallow the bitterness and regret. The hardest part is reconciling myself to the fact that it didn't have to be the way it was. I did that. And I have to live with the consequences. But, as they say, "The best revenge is a life well-lived." That's my goal now... getting things back on track. Enjoying every day (every minute) and not sweating the little stuff. Being the best mom, friend, family member, member of society I can, and having a GREAT time doing it.

Wow, thanks for sharing your story with us. You are one strong woman! Glad you are here to share. THW

I've found it is true what they say... it takes at least a full year to grieve. You have to go through the holidays, the seasons, the things you used to do and don't anymore, at least once before the pain really starts to dissipate. I have dealt with a lot of it, but sometimes if I watch the right movie, in the wrong mood; or if I'm going through a rough spot with work or family; that sort of thing... my emotions will jump me and I will feel so very "wronged". A great sense of loss, and "if only" seem to swallow me up. But, this happens less often, and with less intensity as time goes by... and mostly as I have been able to start rebuilding my life in a direction I'm really excited about. Looking forward has become a lot more enticing than looking back. (at least most of the time)

Watered Garden, A couple of years ago, I did pretty much what you did... on the way from 'point A' to 'point B' I did a drive-by. But then I got down the road a bit and thought, I've got my camera with me, and there are some spots I never got pics of, I'm going to get them now. So, I turned around and took shots of the back of the OSC, the Sugar Shack, Adolph's, and the Carpenter's Shop. It was early on a Saturday, so no one was around. I took the pics for the sake of the history of my life. But, like you, I was struck by my lack of emotion about the place. I was amazed that I once felt such highs and such lows there. That it had once meant so very much to me. It's beautiful to the eye, yes. But so very spiritually empty. And now that I know that, I could see it and feel it, too. It was sad, but revealing, too. I'm glad I did it. It was like saying "goodbye". THW

QUOTE from their Forum: I told my Fellowship about Elijah and the Still Small Voice, and the teachers and staff, Way Productions even, but most of all i spoke of the deep friendships i found at the Advanced Class. This says so much to me... the enthusiasm of youth, the fact that much of these kids enjoyment of the ACS was hanging out with their peers, and the reminder of my early days in twi. This kid's comment could easily describe my first few Rock of Ages trips, or my first Advance Class. Many of us were once these fresh-faced, enthusiastic, love-god-loving-life kids... I wish I could say they will revolutionize twi, but did we? Or did we get sucked in or dropped out by the mechanism that IS the way international?

I wasn't paying attention earlier... was the AC Special held at HQ or elsewhere?

Wordwolf, Looks like you've really done your homework... Do you have a complete timeline of VP, TWI, LCM posted somewhere for all to see? THW

To all you "just left twi, new to greasespotters".... WELCOME!!!!!! I left twi almost six years ago, after nineteen years in... and from time to time people come here to the forums and ask why we "got out long ago" folks still hang out and post here... YOU are why. You are feeling what we all felt. You are going through the trauma of stepping out into the great unknown of non-twi territory. You are trying to deal with your guilt, your shame, your questions, your fears, your hope. I'm thrilled you found this haven. It isn't always peaceful. And we SURE aren't like-minded on things. But what a breath of fresh air it is for people to say what they think... to be allowed to think freely in the first place. When I was leaving twi, the forums were my daily manna... my personal therapy. Feel free to ask questions, think out loud, get angry, get sad, laugh like a madman. Most of us know exactly how you feel. Just give yourself time. Healing and recovery are a process. You'll see immediate results, then suddenly you'll get blind-sided by something you didn't even realize was lurking in the back of your brain. Some wayism. Some issue. Some un-dealt-with crap that surfaces. Hang in there. We're here for you.

QUOTE: Not EVERYONE before the 80's was in as an foot Sogwap, where the heck did this comment come from? No one is saying that! Geez. I was raised in the "make a plan and stick to it down to the minute" manner, and the corps reinforced that attitude. But over the years I saw how miserable that made everyone. And post-twi I was so interested in shedding all-things-twi, that I purposely did whatever came to mind on our next couple of family trips. It was GREAT. Make a plan, yes. But go with the flow... Without a doubt the best, most memorable moments have been the unplanned ones. Stopping with my kid and shopping at a huge tourist-trap of a place that ended up having some really fun stuff inside. Leaving one city because it wasn't what we thought it would be, and moving down the road to another location, only to find it was MUCH better than we could have imagined. Passing a sign for a monument or historical site you never knew about and turning off to take a look or go on a hike. Good stuff, maynard! Sack suppers for everyone!!... I'll trade my sesame seed bar for your apple. Anyone want my yogurt?

Watersedge, thanks for your reply. you are indeed welcome here! If you haven't yet, you should read the thread "TWI never gave nothing to the Tin Man..." it deals with how each of us has had to deal with our time in twi, our departure, and how we've all dealt with the aftermath. So many of us have deep hurts which take a long time to heal. It's a process, and everyone is on their own time-table. I'm glad you've found this place. I hope you can find your peace.

I, for one, can testify FIRST HAND that vpw played that vulgar German Shepherd sex video and seemed to enjoy every minute of it. Narrated, commented, and laughed through the whole thing. I was in the college program. It was while he was reading through the book "Beside Manners" to the corps. We (non-corps) were allowed to sit in on the evening sessions. And he played that movie. I was 23 at the time but there were kids who had just graduated high school sitting there next to me. I distinctly remember getting physically ill and wishing I had the guts to leave the room. It was also during this class and others that he referred to Mrs. Weirwille as "Sharp as a meatball and twice as juicy." Yeah, that's respectful of the first lady of the way. He was also well known for pointing out that all the women of the kingdom belong to the king, and that David didn't do anything wrong in taking a friend's wife to bed -- only became wrong when he had the husband killed to keep the wife. As a PS -- I had leadership tell me that VP told Craig he needed to loosen up sexually if he were ever going to be able to lead God's people, but I have no idea how he came by that information, and therefore it is definately hearsay.

That's not a bad reason at all. It's a perfectly good reason to lurk and learn. As for what was so all-fired-great about twi that caused your girlfriend to chose them over you? I can only speak from experience... deep down, whether she knew it or not, she wanted answers. She wanted someone to say, "I have the answers and I can show you what they are, and they will make your life better." Did she need to feel secure? a part of something big? a chance to be better than she thought she was? a sense of her place in the universe? all of the above? You may or may not know already. I'm really sorry she hurt you. If you stay and read for very long you'll find that twi was the rock upon which many a relationship (and marriage) was broken. (including my own) Is she still involved?

Waters Edge, I take it you were never a part of twi... what brings you lurking?

DOH!!! You are absolutely right... I was typing too fast... I stand corrected "By the Way" Thanks

Did someone say "Swan from Emporia?" Okay, here it is...