anothen

I said all I was supposed to say and I'll just draw the line right here. I can see that many of you have unresolved issues that you need to work out before I am able to go any further. I was not allowed to post here until after I came clean. I was wondering why, now I see. I'll just close saying I don't have any hard feelings toward any of you. I really wish you all the best. This forum is a really good thing and I hope it stays alive. goodbye, peace out. ano

You have been wrongly informed. I have been there in the chair among other Sexual Abusers. The success rate of an abuser is quite successful with treatment. I am not in therapy in this forum. None of you can place yourselves in my shoes, because I've been there. None of you will ever know what I've discussed with my therapists or how I feel about my victim. If you want to call it minimizing, you don't know what I've been through so don't even try. None of you are professionals and none of you will know everything about what I've done or accomplished as a result of the MANY years and MANY hours of therapy. You don't need to know and that's not my purpose for being here. Be glad that she only suffered a little bit of embarrassment, Some victims that I know are unable to recover. Years of abuse has cause an endless rage and torment, some still suffer from suicidal thoughts. So don't even tell me about minimizing, I know more about it quite probably than anyone reading this thread. Like I said in conclusion, if you or administration wants me to leave, I'll leave quietly. However, if you still want to remain ignorant of the facts, of what causes Child Sexual Abuse, you place yourself and everyone around you in a limited position to protect and free children from Child Sexual Abuse. You can hate me all you want, I just will not reciprocate it. I am hated more, by more people than you will ever know. If all you want to do is hate, it will be your own undoing. (sorry, not directed at you nottawafer). The most difficult thing I've had to come to terms with was to not reciprocate this hate. I have had plenty of opportunity to Sexually Abuse before my original offense, by children that were sexually aggressive. I NEVER broke down that boundary. You want to try to accuse me of a history of abuse, you don't know me and you do not know my history and I will probably never reveal it here while people generate hate and anxiety because of it. If that is the result of my presence, then I'll just leave. I don't come here to be some damn hero either. I have brought out everything I was supposed to. It still does not change my original motive and that is to educate people of what causes Child Sexual Abuse with a view to reduce or eliminate it. As long as we remain ignorant of the facts, children will continue to be Sexually Abused. The only viable solution is to become educated about the facts so that we can be armed with the information necessary to protect ourselves and the kids around us. My research began here: Stop Child Molestation Research and Prevention Institute Go and read it for youself. The book goes into more detail. The experts seem to have a whole different outlook on the Sex Offender Issue. I can't do anything more to help my victim, other than to continue therapy and research. The damage is already done and there is nothing I can do to reverse it. The only thing I can do that would be useful and profitable, is to educate people.

I'm not easily bashed, so don't even go there. I was into internet gaming for a time and GS is mild compared to some of the flaming that took place there. I have spent hours listening to victims vent so it's not like I'm easily upset about anything anyone here in GS could say to me that would be hurtful. I only know what I've been told about my victim. I'm not allowed to make contact and won't. That's all the information I have about it.

Thank you for your welcome. I've learned quite a bit about forgiveness. One key factor in forgiveness is that it was primarily designed, and most beneficial to to forgiver. I might be of benefit to the forgivee, but it is primarily for the forgiver. Like I've said before, I'm not here to receive forgiveness, but I do appreciate your kindness it means a lot. As for forgetting. No, I will not forget, nor will I repress. It is absolutely necessary that I remember my past, clearly recognize the wrong and the evil, and what caused me to do what I did. The easiest thing that I've ever received was forgiveness from God. The hardest thing I've ever received was forgiving myself.

Thank you CK, your words and honesty mean a lot to me. It pains me to hear about your abuse. Sometimes I wish you would just tell me you hate my guts for doing what I did. The abuse was awful and had a very adverse effect on your life. If only my meager story of coming clean provided at least a little consolation in the hopes that just maybe your abusers would come clean, then just maybe it might have a purpose. I hope that some day they will and recognize that this is really necessary in healing of Child Sexual Abuse. And that if only one reader of my posts that is Sexually Abusing would recognize this, then just maybe they too would come clean.

Thank you for your kind words and I'll take them to heart. I don't give in to the feelings of worthlessness anymore. It has taken much time and mental work to change my thinking. It's starting to pay off. I have much more confidence now than I did five years ago. I was surprised when I started going to therapy, of the many things I was taught reminded me of scripture that I had learned. One of the things that has stayed with me was learning the cause of anxiety. Anxiety is cause by a dwelling on fears of things of the past or things of the future. Neither of which we do not have power to exact a change. We do however have power over the now, of which we have freedom of will and the ability to change our thinking. I've taken it to heart and it works.

Most of your answer is contained in my post. It was tearing me apart. It needs to start somewhere does it not? If I could do it, then what about the next Child Sexual Abuser. Part of the problem is the hesitency to come clean and tell someone. As long as it continues to remain repressed, the greater chance that another Child will be Sexually Abused. I want it to stop and I will be on a relentless crusade to be a tool to stop it. It has to start somewhere.

I have had a very difficult time posting here. I've been struggling with it for some time. I joined a few years ago and I abruptly quit. I still love God, or rather at least I want to. I love the bible and have become a bible enthusiast over the past few decades. Even after leaving it, the many times that I have, When I return to it, it always seems to have something new for me and gives me a sense of purpose. I've found that even on a few rare occasions, it has enabled me to help someone. But faithful? No, not so much, I've failed on that one too many times. But I will always be a bible enthusiast. The Way Ministry? It took a small part of my life. When I first took the class, I became so religious for a while. Soon after becoming disinterested, I returned to the old ways, just like I've always done. When I did become interested again, and I sought out what I considered my spiritual family, seeking help and was astound at how relatively UN-family it was. (around 1980). It seemed all about classes and commitment and respect for leadership. It wasn't long until I became disinterested again because I just couldn't seem to live up to what was expected. In fact I became a real sore thumb because I married what they considered an unbeliever. It was not until after we separated I tried to become interested again, but still I never really fit in and never really felt welcome. I wanted to, but it just didn't work. It wasn't long until I was back to getting high and hanging out with doper friends. This occurred for about four years. I had a chance to share some bible with my sister and she started to get interested. As a result about four people took the class. After that my other sister took the class, along with a few more. Shortly after was the downfall of TWI. I moved to California and it wasn't two years I was back to getting high and hanging with the dopers again. About three years past and ran across someone that was taking interest in the bible and I began teaching what I had learned in PFAL. It was after this I really tried hard to fit in and "Get with the Program". I found a fellowship and became active again with an offshoot. For about four years I became a VP fanatic and was spending hours everyday listening to SNT tapes. I started a collection and I probably had about 1/3 of the whole collection. I had the PFAL material down to a science and I was preparing myself to teach it at a moments notice. I had very little to no support in my motive, which I thought the group would be glad and supportive, but they were not. I was told I had and ego problem, I was told that I was trying to claim I had a gift ministry, I was told many things like this that just shot down what I thought was doing something good. Soon I became disinterested again over time. (about two years) This is a brief background and I've left out a lot of details. I tried to present my feelings and my emotional state up to this time, so please bare with me. I have a hard time posting in this forum because of my own conscience is just tearing me up. I am of course not a VP fanatic anymore. I quit a number of years ago when I started studying again and discovered time after time I just could not prove from the bible many of the things VP said. I tried, in fact I tried really hard. I got to a point to quit quoting VP and only use scripture. It wasn't long I discovered that most of my believing was based on what VP said. I've read through some of GS. I just can't get to it all and I know there is a lot of stuff here, and I want to try to read all of it. It will take a great deal of time though, but I promise to try to get to most if not all. First of all, I want to personally apologize to everyone for any abuse that you have suffered as a result of TWI. I also want to specifically apologize to those that have suffered from sexual abuse. Yes, even to those which have suffered sexual abuse from VP. Whether I believe any of it is not the issue. I was not there and I wasn't the one that suffered the abuse. Four years ago, I wouldn't have believed any of it. I've had a major change of heart since then and I've had to come to terms that it is possible that it could have happened. Even now I have to acknowledge that it has changed from a possibility to that it did happen. Especially when the evidence is overwhelming and that there are more than two witnesses. So to you that have been sexually abused, I now acknowledge this to you that it did happen and I am so sorry that you have had to endure all of it. This has not been the struggle though. I am a man and I too have had sexual desires. Sometimes they have got so strong that I have crossed the line. It has got me in trouble and I'm paying for it even to this day. I've spent hours in therapy for several years trying to come to terms with myself. I've tried to hide it. It was too embarrassing to talk about to anyone. I tried really hard to focus on what I thought was biblical during the really tough times. Well the principle was "... light dispels darkness... " and I would spend hours with my nose in the book and countless hours SIT. The feelings though would just become overwhelming. I hated myself at times. The summer before I crossed the line I was intensely studying Samuel. During my study I noticed there were two kings, David and Saul. Both men were great. Both men were anointed and chosen by God through Samuel. However one fell and the other reined. Both men screwed up really bad, but David reined and Saul fell. If I had chosen which one screwed up the worst, I would have chose David. However Saul fell because three times he disobeyed God and refused to come clean when confronted. David however came clean when confronted. This stuck with me like nothing else ever did in the bible. When I got myself in trouble, I decided to turn myself in and come clean because of this record in the bible. For three days after I was in a mental turmoil over this scripture. I could have just ran away, and I really tried to, but this scriptural record continued to rip a hole in my soul. I turned myself in and came clean. I spent about eight months in jail. I was on suicide watch for about six weeks. I just wanted to die. Even to this day I have to watch what I'm thinking because of it. It has been a major spiritual battle for me to conclude that what I did was the right thing to do. I was placed on three years of probation and I've had to register as a Sex Offender. Humiliating? Yes. But I have accepted this as consequences of my actions. My victim was nine years old and I only fondled her. But that was enough to be what is considered, crossing the line. The last I heard, she only suffered a little embarrassment and recovered quite nicely. Her mother however suffered the worst. I don't think she ever will recover for what I did. It pains me even now trying to talk about it. This was about eleven years ago. I've had to overhaul my believing several times since then. The primary one is simply acknowledging that it was even possible for VP to have done some of the things I have read in this forum. When I first heard about it, I refused to believe such a thing. I've talked to others that were deeply involved in TWI at the time and they said it was impossible. This has been another struggle. I could choose to remain neutral, but I won't. I acknowledge that the evidence is clear and that there were more than two eyewitnesses. The reason I am taking this stance is because many sexual abuse victims feel helpless because people refuse to believe them and that many times, they are either afraid to tell or do not have someone to tell. I am saying that I believe you and that this was an awful thing. It was bad, it was evil, it was wrong, and that you have suffered as a result. I also wish that you could beat the hell out of me so you would feel better for what they did to you. A part of you was stolen. A part of your life was ripped from you. You did not deserve the abuse. I have since then studied the Child Sexual Abuse issue in quite a bit of detail. I have pretty much changed my focus in life and dedicated it to educating people about the facts of what causes Child Sexual Abuse with a view to reduce or eliminate it. I will quite probably be hated in this forum because of what I've revealed to you. I first apologize to you of whom I've offended, because my offense has even extended to and effected you. Every time I read about someone that has been sexually abused here, it feels as if I were the one that did it. It once again tears me apart and I have to return to the very beginning and start all over. Sometimes I want to hate God for it and just die. It must not be readily available because I have asked and pleaded just to die and get it over with. I'm too damn chicken to do it myself. This has been a very intense struggle for me. I don't expect anyone to forgive me for what I've done. I don't expect anyone to welcome me with open arms either. I've come to terms that I am hated by everyone that views my face on the Sex Offender Registry. If this has been overly offensive on this forum, I will quietly leave and you will never hear from me again.

Well. I took another vacation. Sorry I haven't visited Greasespot in so long. Several years ago, I took all of my research material and archived them in several boxes in the Garage. I don't remember if I've ever said anything about why I quit going to the Fellowship just prior to joining Greasespot, but I quit for several reasons, but mainly because of some social issues that were becoming sexual in nature. I have no desire to go into detail. That has been, I think about five or six years ago. Anyway, I am finding myself beginning to take interest in the bible again and even finding an old friend that has a Sunday fellowship that I may visit. I am coming here, well mostly to see if I'm still welcome, and also to ask permission if I can put some of my work in the Religions/Church's/Doctrinal section. I really do not have a place which I can call a forum home (on the internet) as far as the Bible is concerned. This is really the only place that I've visited that I've felt comfortable with. I certainly do not want to search the internet and get overwhelmed with all the religious malarkey. I hit on a subject that really sparked my interest and has sent me once again to studying the bible. The really cool thing is, I don't have to pull out any of my archived books or materials, I can find nearly everything I need right on the internet. I use the "Blue letter Bible" for scriptural reference and concordance. I use "Wikipedia" for many of the Figure of Speech definitions. I've even found places where I can reference Bullingers Companion Bible and Appendix. I hope this is not offensive to anyone, but I avoid Dr. WW works like a plague. I spent too many years quoting Dr. WW where I kept burying myself in research trying do document from the bible many things that he had said, so I just do not do it anymore at all. BTW, I sure miss you guys.

War Story: ======================================== 91 or 92 I was involved in an offshoot in CA. I had begun to teach PFAL on my own and was practicing on a new person who was interested in the bible. We will call her S*****. I was only about a year faithfully going to a fellowship which had separated themselves from TWI. I was met with unwarranted opposition when it was found out that the person I was teaching the Class to was lesbian. Nieve' I guess, I expected to see help and support and gather together as a family eager to contribute, but to my astonishment, it was the opposite. I struggled through the best I could until Rev. P**** made a live version of the class available. S***** took the class and flew through with flying colors, manifested early. Not too much time after that I quit going to that fellowship. Among a few other personal issues, I had a very difficult time recovering the desire to teach again. ************************ Peoples lives are at stake. That's why I teach God's Word to people today. I do not teach PFAL anymore, but I do teach my own version of how the bible interprets itself, with a view that ppl can read and understand it for themselves, w/o someone telling them to believe a certain way. People lives and hearts are on the line and we as God's people need to be aware of this. God never told us to stand against anyone in particular, but we are told to "... resist the adversery..." Our ministry was given to us for all to benefit, not all except.

There is too much information here for me to reply briefly,but... My deepest feelings go out to you for what you have endured. I too have read to tears in the post and posts on this thread. My prayers and support go out to you and believe God for healing and deliverance. *delayed reaction*

My turn (oh cool, another place I can post) Anothen: greek, trnsl above,from the top,from above,again. "again" from the phrase "born again" I became an internet junkie about 5 yrs ago and all of the good names were taken. So I started searching through greek words. Someone already got anothen@hotmail.com and all the other greek words did not have as pleasant a sound. The only other one I liked was epourania. But when I became a gamer, "anothen" was virgin territory so I took advantage of it. I'm known at ezboard and gamers.com as "anothen" and have been using it for 5 yrs.

(epilogue) This is food for thought in light of what I have just written. I have read some of the posts here at the GSC. I'll try to read more as time permits, but I can see there are a lot of issues. I wish I could say I have all the answers, and I can provide deliverance for all issues, I can't, and won't attempt to do so. But I will say, peoples lives are at stake. Peoples feelings, heart, health and well being are on the line, and this is why I am posting this epilogue. When I have someone coming to me for answers about the bible, I'm going to teach them how they can study it for themselves. I've come to the place where I'm not going to provide answers to life's issues, but I'm going to point to the bible. I'm also not going to quote anyone when it comes to the Bible. People need to learn how to study it for themselves and not rely on someone else to explain it to them. This is why I do not affiliate myself with any organization. I have no special ministry from God other than the ministry God gave to His people and that is to reconcile that which was separated. You will notice I do not participate in degrading anyone, or thier ministry. Nor do I have anyone or anything I stand against. That's not my job (yaay)and(whew) I am only in favor of the truth of the Bible. I have no interest in having followers, $$, fame, or starting some kind of religion or church. I can see many of you are angered at certain issues, and I'll give ear for as long as you want. You deserve your right to vent your anger and it's good that you do, and it's actually a need that you do. This is an Ideal place to do so. *ducks* My testimony to you is that the Bible really is God's Word it it does have all of the answers to the issues of life. [This message was edited by anothen on March 23, 2003 at 2:46.]

It was several years later when I visited my sister and she decided to take the class. This was about 84 or 85, that's when I became semi active in fellowship. This was the Garland/Mesquite area. I took a few classes and lived with believers. We shared the same trade so we became friends. Shortly there after, is when the .... hit the fan in TWI. My friend and his family decided to move to CA and Separate from TWI. Eventually I we went are separate ways and he moved back to Texas and I stayed in California. Wages were better and work was good. However, with no fellowship, I eventually went back to drugs. (ie smoking pot) This was in the time frame of 1987 to 1990. It was about this time I got involved in a fellowship in Costa Mesa. I started getting serious and tried to remain faithful. The fellowship was dissassociated from TWI and was good for a time. Advanced Class in Scotland became available and I went for it. Several years past and I went back to drugs again, got in trouble spent three years on probation. Step father passed away and decided to move to Austin to stay with my mom. That was about Five years ago. Got involved w/ a fellowship here in Austin, it got religious, had to quit again. Until two years ago, had a web site called Bible_Talk. Resigned. During which time did all my work: "Integrity of the Word" , "No Private Interpretation" , "Gift of holy spirit" and "Saved-Born Again" All of which can be viewed at my new web site called "Epourania" For the past two years I've been Idle with my ministry, mostly for lack of interest. I have however, been free of drugs for the past 7 yrs. (yaay) and proud of it. When I went Idle, I started internet gaming and joined a club called "Strike Force Justice" and have been active there to this day. About a month ago a buddie at work started asking questions about the Bible. I've had to go back to work. (continued)