Raf

The Onion is 100% satire. 99.99% of quotes are fabricated. The rest are either made up or real quotes they're making fun of. Nothing is serious. Their headline after 9/11 (quite possibly their finest hour) was "Holy f-ing s***!"

On the NNB one: in the first pie, the letters on opposite sides have three letters separating them. So N goes with J. On the second one, same thing: B to F. (Could have been F to J, but J was not one of the options). Then it's the same for the last one, which brings us N again. Now, why it's NNB and not NBN, I can't tell you.

Next batch: PASSWORD: ORANGE circle (each horizontal row has a plus sign, a shape, and a plus sign in that shape). c (Add all the digits together. If your answer is more than one digit, add those two digits together. The answer should be the number on the right side of the = sign. Except for c). A & E (The only vowels. And no, I don't know why it says "word" instead of "letter"). 14 (add the two top numbers and divide by 4 to get the bottom number). top left block (no idea why) red bike, blue shirt, green cap [There's a one of each color item in each horizontal row] N,N & B [I got this right the first time I tried it, and thought it through, but I can't remember now how I did it]. Spain (well, it is)/ J (and wasn't this a little easy?) 2 (every vertical row adds up to 16). J (This is a little strange, and I don't know what possessed me to think of it, but it worked: look only at the first, third, fifth and seventh boxes, and you'll notice two missing letters between them. AbcDefGhi... and that's why the answer is J. In each case, the NEXT letter is to placed to the left (so E is to the left of D, H to the left of G, and K to the left of J). ++++ Starting here I become just about useless... PASSWORD: PIE z (From H to M is 5 letters; D to I is 5 letters; U to Z is 5 letters). 624 (subtract the last number from the first number in any horizontal row. Multiply your answer by 4 to get the number in the middle). circle with triangle (The bottom row reverses the top row). 2 (no idea) D (again missing word when it should say letter. Oh well. No idea why). Y (six letters separating the first vertical column. Seven letters separating the second. Eight letters separating the third). 0 (no idea why) Moon (because it is) 49 (Yeah, it was either 49 or the square root of 7, so 49 is the better answer). W (no idea) 54 (I just subtracted 3. Seemed to work for the others). ++++ PASSWORD: MONKEY first shape (I actually figured this out. Follow the change in position of the dark tan square. You'll see that the next logical place for it is pointing straight down. Now follow the change in position of the "beak" behind the four-square pattern, and you'll see that it should next point down and to the right). 3 (no idea) 9 of spades (I just looked for a black nine. Can't says I know why, but it worked). V (A freebie thrown in for those of us who got frustrated down the line there, I guess). middle right (no idea) 8:20 (no idea) pyramid 57 (add any two adjoining numbers and then add 2 to your answer to get the square above it). 2004 (and who cares?) y (three spaces separate u and y, just like the other two sets). 35932 (no idea) 2nd shape (black spot is always moving counterclockwise. Number of boxes is always stable or declining There's probably a more sophisticated answer, but that's why i pick this one). xxxx FYI: For each question, I tried to answer first, picked an answer, checked in, then clicked. If I had no idea, I said so. The others I managed to figger out.

I must have missed that PM. Dang them for their error!

While we're at it, let's get the "why" to these. dog (easy) 8 (easy) f (easy) orange fruit (easy) not smiling face (because the rest are smiling) search the screen, bottom left (waiting for you to get impatient, I guess) 25 (Each point on the star skips a successive multiple of two. Huh? After one, you skip two numbers and the next point is 4. Then you skip four numbers and the next one is 8. Then you skip six numbers and the next one is 16. then you skip eight numbers and the next one is 25. Another way to do this one: To get from 1 to 4, add three. To get from 4 to 9, add five. To get from 9 to 16, add 7. You've added 3, 5, and 7, so next you'll be adding nine. 9 + 16 = 25. GMC (because it's a gmc). top middle (each row has a circle, a diamond and a square. And each row has a shape that has 1/4 filled in, 2/4 filled in and 3/4 filled in. The last row needs a diamond, and it needs a shape with 2/4 filled in. That's the one in the top middle). 20 (Two blocks next to each other add up to the block on top of it. 11 + 9 = 20). bottom right (It's a little disorienting because it's upside down. But that's the only shape that will fit in the missing space). +++++ PASSWORD: APPLE E & N (The pattern goes zig zag, down one space each time. Start with C. Go down and over one, and you'll see D. Go down again and back one, and you get... the missing E. Down again and over, you get F. Works the same on the other side. Missing letters are E & N). 7, 13, 12 (I only did the first one on this, and it's all you really have to do to get it. The top number on the first set is 3x the bottom number. 1/3 of 21 is 7. No other answer fits). 7 & 2 (Again, you can get this just with the first one. Subtract the two numbers in either straight line and you get 7. No other answer fits). 8:53 (Add the digits on the watches. They all add up to 16). bottom left S (I have no idea why this is the right answer. Passed it by trial and error. Anyone understand this one?) 28 (add the three points on the triangle. Double your answer to get the number in the middle of the triangle). bottom right (The alphabet is running diagonally, so you need to pick the box that has the right pattern for the alphabet to continue). Rick James (beach). top block (The last box on the top row is missing a shaded square). triangle, square - 4,7 (Keep it simple. You know that the green circle is 5 points. At the bottom, there are three green circles (15 points) and a square that add up to 22. Therefore the square is 7 points. Once again, it's the only answer that fits). A (Skip two letters to get from C to F, four letters to get to K, six letters to get to R. Now, if you skip 8 letters after R, you run out of alphabet, so start over at A.

For 11 out of 13 of your requirements, I recommend London.

add the digits on the watches. I got to "smart" by trial and error on two questions this far. One was a vertical column of letters, the top letter was B. I know the answer but I don't know why. The other was the "steering wheel" one. I know the answer again, but not why. Can I get a PM? Oh, and I got the watches by trial and error first, THEN figure out what they all had in common.

I'm looking for the password BETWEEN apple and pie.

Well, I got past one just by trial and error. I figured out the watches AFTER accidentally pressing the right one. Right now I'm at the question that looks like three steering wheels, each with three numbers, and one number is missing. I'm pretty stumped. So why is the answer to one of those "s," but not the other "s"?

1. need a password for the 3rd level. 2. I can't figure out why the answer to one of them is one "s" and not the other "s."

Add the digits on each watch.

Finally figured out the watches on the genius test!

Agreed: ANYONE! Jump in!

It was the little rascals. Whoopi Goldberg played Buckwheat's mom, which gives that particular quote a little added humor.

Gotta make it easy, then. IMDB's giveaway quotes: "If you were my kids, I'd punish you." "If we were YOUR kids, we'd punish ourselves!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "We just moved into town. My father bought the oil refinery." "That explains why you're so refined!" "Yeah, and so oily!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Wood doesn't grow on trees!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I... Member in good standing of the He-Man Woman Haters Club, do solemnly swear to be a he-man and hate women and not play with them or talk to them unless I have to. And especially: never fall in love, and if I do may I die slowly and painfully and suffer for hours - or until I scream bloody murder."

So, am I hearing "uncle"? (the above is not a hint).

I made it up to average. Can't get past the wristwatches. On the idiot test, I got it on the second try. I clicked the lightest blue shape instead of the lightest blue square the first time.

none of the above.

I'm out of clues, guys. Best I can tell you is that it was a 90s update of a very, very old TV show.

"He's so manly that he would go out of his way -- if he fell out of a building -- to land on a girl." ***** "I melt like a Popsicle on the Fourth of July."

I think this is funny. Leave it to the Onion. I don't know if no one should be offended or if everyone should be. http://www.theonion.com/content/video/immi..._the_human_cost

Going from memory: "Your mom's here." "Whoopee!"

Oh. <_<

I agree with this wholeheartedly. As soon as all guns are destroyed, and I mean all of them, this will make sense. As long as guns DO exist, however, this doesn't make sense to me.

If it's Troi and Riker, it must be... Enterprise The series finale (again).