This might belong in prayer forums, I'm not sure. Either location, I need help and certainly prayers.
Pulling my mom hair out.
My daughter, Kelly, is 10 years old and in fifth grade this year at school. Last year in fourth grade, about 2 months in another little girl latched herself onto Kelly in ways that are unhealthy and almost a year later continues to be a problem.
The child somewhere along the line decided that my Kelly needed to be protected from others and she was the only one the was fit for the job.
First of all, Kelly is one of those sweet kids that is a friend to everyone, keeps her grades in A range, follows the rules etc etc. She's a puddle if she has to be unkind to another human being. That's proving to be her burden.
In the beginning I found it kind of pleasant that this other child looked after Kelly. I had no idea what was to come.
Kelly has many other friends, typical of this age child, and two "very best friends" since Kindergarten.
As last year progressed, this girl would get very angry when Kelly played with other children, spoke to them or included them in play. She'd yell, pout, walk away, say horrible things to Kelly as well as her friends. The school year got worse and worse and my "I love school and can I go on weekends too" kid started hating it, dreading it, getting strange aches in her tummy just before school.
I'm aware that kids this age, girls especially, are best friends one minute, hate each other the next and best friends the next again. This went beyond that.
I spoke with the other childs mom, asking her if she could chat with her daughter and explain that her behavior was not condusive to happy friendships. This was received well because the mom and I were friends and had been comfortable discussing things before. She agreed that her daughter was going overboard and would handle it.
My child is taught in our home that she is to be kind, generous, she's to share, she's to not exclude others in a way that embarasses them, she's to love the unlovable, all those pretty and wonderful things. She wasn't buying it.
Things only got worse. We got the teacher involved, we got the school counselor involved, we got the principal involved. Everyone seemed to gloss over the problem, filing it in some drawer marked "girls are strange".
I'm a mom, I get it; I've got two of these strange females.
This was differant, I knew it, Kelly knew it.
As if common in elementary grades, the teacher teams children up for projects, outings, in the classroom. This child somehow managed to always always always be Kelly's teammate. It seriously became an obsession that she be by Kelly's side constantly.
Carry over into evenings and weekend with phone calls.
I chose not to move Kelly into a differant classroom because I thought I would then teach her that it's ok to run from problems and the grownups would fix stuff. Same with changing phone numbers. I needed to teach her, empower her to stand up for herself against this and all types of bullies. The grownups tried to help but it wasn't working in this case.
Fast forward to May last year, end of school looming, summer will make a big differance. The two girls will be apart, Kelly will get a break, the other child will find other activities and Kelly will be but a distant memory of 4th grade.
It got worse. Enter a third little girl that was once friends with Kelly's shadow friend. The third girl, according to rumors, had stolen from miss shadow. She noticed Kelly playing with her and henceforth placed herself between them and refused to budge. She'd move her desk between them, her body, whatever it took.
More meetings with grownups. I knew the day was coming when I'd have to have input into who Kelly's friends were in the form of having to forbid some, encourage others more that the 'be nice to everyone honey'. But the alleged thief had not done Kelly any harm, had not stolen from her, we had no proof of theft and I had no reason to forbid the friendship. Kelly's shadow of course did and her mother agreed.
One mom is saying "I will not tell her she has to play with that child"
One mom is saying "I will not tell her she can't play with that child"
As bad as the kids.
Kelly in the meantime is torn apart because she enjoys her friendship with this girl, but is sick of hearing 'she steals, leave her alone' and many many other things.
I finally talked to this little girl who refused to forge other friendships than my child.
She said she was afraid Kelly would get hurt, she needed to protect her. No amount of discussion with this child, even to point of scolding her, got through.
Again enter counselor, teacher, principal. All three girls in the office and all three told they MUST play with other children and will be seperated if found together in the classroom, lunch area or playground. This also showed my daughter that punishment is the same for everyone, even the innocent.
Sure, right, uh huh. That lasted as long as the three were sitting meek and mute in that office.
The last action on my part was to work it out behind the scenes where at least for 5th grade, Kelly would not be in the other girls class. We had to keep this a secret while the girl would whail "I'll just DIE if Kelly isn't in my class next year, I will refuse to go to school if she's not in my class" .
The last two weeks of 4th grade were brutal. I finally went to the classroom as often as I could manage and sat there; I was my daughters playmate, lunch partner, classroom partner. This was not healthy and I knew it. She missed 6 days the last two weeks and I didn't care. I rearranged life to be there when she was.
Principal, teacher, counselor said I was making it worse. I even stood outside the restroom and waited because the child would follow my daughter in, hover and cling.
Last day of school and relief! For two days when the phone calls started. We were so very busy all year that it worked out to not have them connect. The phone calls were a small inconvenience in an otherwise great summer.
The night before first day of school, there is an open house/meet the teacher/see who's in your class/eat a hotdog event. Guess who was waiting at the door for Kelly?
From the time we entered the building until we left, this child was by Kelly's side. At one point she asked Kelly "we're still best friends right Kelly?" to which my sweet child answered in the affirmative. All bets were off at that response. When I got a chance, privately, I suggested to Kelly a better answer would have been "we'll see each other, but we can't be best friens because my mom won't let me have one best friend". I've said many times to blame me; I can take it.
Kelly didn't want to hurt her feelings.
It's started all over again. It sounds right there like I blame Kelly. I absolutely do not. She was doing what comes natural to her; being kind and polite.
By day two of 5th grade, my child hates school, doesn't want to go, already she's been reprimanded for trivial stuff in the classroom. This is a child who teachers usually LOVE in their classrooms. An A student, a writer, a quiet helpful student, a teachers dream student.
Bias there I know, but I'm telling ya this is a great kid, mine or not.
I phoned the principal and counselor and said that's it, she's outa there. They were shocked that this was starting again and they'd take the other child aside and tell her straight out this time that she HAS to leave Kelly alone.
Didn't happen of course. Oh they told her, but the one day it happened, she was so ugly and mean to Kelly that it only served to validate to Kelly that she's been wrong to tell, again.
I started checking other schools but the tuition to attend is ridiculously expensive, the transportation is difficult and she simply doesn't qualify for one of them.
Next year is middle school where life gets only more wierd for Kelly. One of my goals this year is to back off, put Kelly in situations where she has to stand up for herself, learn to cope without me, etc. I'm not volunteering in the classroom nearly as much this year, I'm not going into the building to pick her up; she's to take care of go home responsibilities and meet me in parking lot, etc.
She feels I've dumped her to deal with this other child alone.
I'm at a place now where I'm ready to tell Kelly to be a bi+ch if she has to. Be unkind, rude and unfriendly in every way to this other kid.
That isn't going to fit well at all on Kelly.
The bright spots in this mess are her two friends since kindergarten. They've not abandoned her. They have gone off and done other things when Kelly's shadow is present, they have waited for the times when she can be free, they've not been ugly when the other kid tells them "Kelly is playing with me, not you".
God bless them and their parents.
I'm out of ideas, our house is a nervous bundle of do I have to go to school today, exhaustion beyond normal at end of day and jumping when the phone rings.
I have even done what I am ready to have Kelly do and begun ignoring the other child's mother. My hope is that she'll decide we're a family that isn't nice and not good for her baby. Our friendship is severely dented, but I don't care and that makes me a little sad.
I'm a single mother, it's just Kelly and I in the home, Kelly's father is dead. Her sister is 3 hours away and has offered to kick some 10 year old hovering butt. Not that we didn't go there in our thinking for a nanosecond, but it's not the way to handle it.
I'm a full time student and in a couple of years will be very much less available hands on for Kelly. That's another reason I'm pushing her outa the nest a few baby steps now. It's also because I need the time to adjust.
I have considered homeschooling, but I really don't think it's right for our family. I've considered adding full time work onto school to pay for tuition at other schools. Doing that, however, would pull her out of this situation, but push us into 'mom is always gone' land.
My apologies for the length of this puppy, but I need some input, prayers.
