Shellon

Somewhere greasytech said that he set it up for a week to show who's in the LiveChat at the bottom. It's been flipped boys. All part of the grand scheme of things to see which chat is being used and enjoyed.

Umm Belle, ya know, it's none of my business but ya know I have to say it. I grew up with a strange name; Shellon Fockler. Strange cuz it was made up and noone could/can pronounce it. Thank God for marrying a wonderful man with the name North. I purposefully named my babies simpler names, although I did give them uni-sex names. But........are you SURE you want to name a baby WayDale?

The story I think we were gonna 'get outa her' was the mouse poop eating one. Ya'll want to hear THAT one? It's even funnier. Paw? Lets do that one as soon as you get back.

Interestingly, he ate birthday cake yesterday. Was it his wife's, his, one of his son's? I asked who's cake and he wouldn't say. I'm probably already in trouble so I'm gonna just stop at that.

I didn't find it funny, didn't get it at all. And I aint blonde. :unsure:

Tried that, he aint talkin

Does anyone know when Hape4me's birthday is?

Z She is a cutie, how wonderful to have watched her grow.

3/21/2006 - Library Assault HOWELL, Mich. (AP) -- A 13-year-old Livingston County boy who sexually molested a seven-year-old girl in a library restroom will remain in state custody for two years. A juvenile court referee also ordered the Brighton teen to undergo sex offender therapy. Testimony revealed the boy posed as a library volunteer to gain the trust of the girl and her mother. He then lured her into the bathroom and assaulted her until another someone entered the room. He pleaded guilty last month. The teenager apologized to the girl in court during yesterday's sentencing. The girl sat quietly between her parents. (Copyright 2006 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

I lost the list that shows who's in chat? Anyone seen it?

Happy Birthday George, glad to hear it was a good one.

If all of the cases were reported, I am sure we'd find the numbers staggering beyond what our minds could fathom. Yup, those, 88 was it?, kids who didn't end up in the system in other ways weren't followed. There are many many studies out there with differant stats according to what the research group is looking for. These numbers are just of one study.

As a psych student, reading the stuff I read, talking to the people I do, hearing the stories I do, I am easily freaked out where my babies are concerned. However I learned the hard way that each child is unique in how they can be told and what they can handle at differant ages. My eldest, now 24, is one of those people, since about age 4ish, that we could tell things straight to and not be worried about how it might be received, not scaring her but preparing her. She's the kid that would kick another kids (or an adult) butt and absolutely tell if something happened. No problem with her reception of the information and what to do if. My youngest on the other hand is quieter, more of a thinker; she needs to assimilate what she receives and work it over and over then come back with more questions, then take those answers, so on and on. I took the same approach with her and it caused more problems than I'd ever have anticipated. I scared the crap outa the kid. She was laying in her bed each night planning that nights "escape" in case something happened, she was afraid of being alone with anyone, she was scared of everyone, every noise was someone about to do her harm. I didn't see this, missed it every freakin where, until she began to have problems with another child at school. The school counselor told me about how frightened she was, about her nightly plans, etc. And my child was instructed by counselor to give it back to me. She did and I started over. Great learning about how no two kids are the same and my approach and presentation to each needed to be differant. I still tell them both the same information and always straight, but I have to remember that my youngest needs more time to digest. Each child is unique in his/her abuse as well. I think the bottom line is that they were hurt, that's all there is and we have to move heaven and hell to try to make it right again as much as is possible, but again, I think if I went at my youngest's disclosure with both barrels in the event that happened, she'd shut up and back off. Same scene with my oldest and she'd be right in there fighting with me. When we know our children and know our jobs as parents, we also know what works with them. We have to tell them the dangers; we have to. We have to empower them, give them some control and ability to know what to do, know that we believe them, that we're there, no matter what.

A few stats: and forgive me I've just cut and pasted from research I've gathered over time for my classes, so it's roughly presented. The typical child sex offender molests an average of 117 children, most of who do not report the offence. Source: National Institute of Mental Health, 1988. About 60% of the male survivors sampled report at least one of their perpetrators to be female. Source: Mendel, 1993. About 95% of victims know their perpetrators. Source: CCPCA, 1992. It is estimated that approximately 71% of child sex offenders are under 35 and knew the victim at least casually. About 80% of these individuals fall within normal intelligence ranges; 59% gain sexual access to their victims through, seduction or enticement. Source: Burgess & Groth, 1984. Further: Skuse and his colleagues followed the lives of the 224 boys, who had been referred to a sexual abuse clinic between 1980 and 1992, through social services and criminal justice records. Most of the boys were white and their average age at the time of referral was 11. In 1999, the researchers searched national and local police records to look for evidence of any of the boys becoming abusers. The researchers found that only 12 percent of 224 boys who had been sexually abused as children later became sexual abusers themselves. (This seems low to me, too, but these were the only ones that showed up in the system, the other 88% were not followed) They also discovered that abusers shared similar risk factors growing up, such as abuse from a female or a history of cruelty to animals. Twenty-six of the sexual abuse victims went on to become sexual abusers themselves, according to the study. Almost all of the abusers had victimized children. About half of these men abused females exclusively. Another quarter abused both males and females; the remaining quarter abused only males. Nearly two-thirds abused someone outside their own family. The researchers say they were also able to identify some common risk factors for the abusers, including physical neglect and a history of cruelty to animals. "Sexual abuse by a female was a specific risk for males who became abusers later in life," Skuse says. "And the witnessing of extreme and persistent violence at home -- usually the father or the male partner of their mother was the source of this violence -- [was also a risk factor]." Dr. John Markey, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak, Mich., says, "The number of individuals who were abused and became abusers is less than what we would expect. There's generally a fear that someone who has been abused is in a high-risk category to victimize someone later." But, Dr. Kenneth Skodnek, chairman of the departments of psychiatry and psychology at Nassau University Medical Center in East Meadow, N.Y., believes the study may have missed a large number of abusers. SOURCES: David Skuse, M.D., professor of behavioral and brain sciences, Institute for Child Health, London, England; John Markey, M.D., child and adolescent psychiatrist, Beaumont Hospital, Royal Oak, Mich.; Kenneth Skodnek, M.D., chairman, departments

The FIRST thing you do as a parent is believe the child. No matter how ones mind is screaming it can't be, it isn't, the kid is lying. The LAST thing you do as a parent is freak out. A parent can make a huge differance by believing their son/daughter who has mustered up the courage to tell. Listen patiently so that the child can get however much of the story they can get out. Don't ask a bunch of questions just then. Call ones doctor and get the child in for an exam, even if it didn't just happen. This is for your own peace of mind, as well as for evidence later as needed. But you might not be talking about the immediate stuff a parent does; rather the long term. If the child is believed by the one person they want to trust, feel they can trust the most, the parent, that will go a very very long way in the healing process. Studies show that if a child who's molested grows to molest it's primarily because nothing was done about their own and the rage (differant than anger, rage is emotional) lives w/in them. Sometimes it's to punish, sometimes to finally get attention. The human mind is a strange place and it's really not designed to hold such horrors when we're children. It doesn't fit anywhere, no matter how the child tries to make it. Therefore it grows. Studies also show, as do the stories we hear here that 'most' adult victims of childhood molestation don't go on to be offenders themselves, especially women. Girls seem to know bigger somehow that the act was very wrong, yet are not able to place it. Then in our society, as women demand and take more assertive behaviors, it's REALLY wrong and we know it. Men, although we've not heard from any here, are more wired to act out the anger on future children, although I'm not clear on why from the material I've read. As I understand it a little, men will accept their fate, but not turn it into a refusal to repeat. Boys being the most who offend, as in Belle's story, often are being molested themselves as well. Girls don't want to share with a friend what's going on, but some boys do. I wish more men would tell their stories and teach us, but one can understand why they don't. Women take that rage and turn it into additions to motherhood themselves. It seems to be some driving force as the nurturers we are, to protect our babies; the mama bear instinctual stuff. Therapy is wonderful for kids who've been molested again because of the trust issues. Not only do mom and dad believe them but so does this other grown up and the doctor, the judge, everyone. That can be the differance in the healing process. Little shatters a childs world more than no support, no belief, no love and kindness from the one or two grown ups that are supposed to take care of them. We teach them, we remind them, and then if something happens we believe them, no matter how badly we want to run screaming from the room, no matter how many nights we lie awake with visions of this horror before our eyes, no matter how badly we wish it were just a mistake. For those that add the reality that sometimes a kid lies, that's true too. But until it's proven that they lied and it will be proven, usually before it ever gets very far if a parent knows their child, believe them.

Amen and Amen

:)

Kathy, we all carry our own private pack that noone sees; you're normal. (ew right?) :) As human beings, we keep that stuff private for a multitude of reasons, set up by us alone. That's the 'rules' I guess. It's how we survive in society, it's how we manage to live every day as best we can and hope we get another shot at it again tomorrow. Disclosure is a very painful thing, yet it's also part of the process. Some call it healing, some call it growth. When we spill out guts (sorry, no pun intended) about something in our lives, I choose to believe that we do so because it's time, we're ready and the results will be good ones. I carried a very big secret, kept from my children and most that knew me. The worst people to keep it from was my children as it was part of who they are, where they come from; it was their business. I finally spilled this to them, one child at a time, last summer. Each had their own reaction, but both thought me silly to have been afraid to tell them. 25 years of carrying a big ol lie and they didn't freak out after all. You are loved here Kathy and please remember where you are. You reside here with a bunch of people that survived their own disclosures, their own personal hells. We get it, really we do. What if from your stories, another is thinking and wondering if he or she should finally get a secret out, tell a story that might answer questions left for years? What if you offer another the strength to see that they, too, can see themselves as a survivor? Life is full of wierdness, crossroads, bumps, big holes we fall in and are sure we'll never emerge alive. But it's also full of love and funny stuff and people that love and support us if we're looking in the right direction to see them waving at us, calling us forward. You should tell as little or as much as YOU are able. If you never mention another word of this part of your life, that is just as ok as if you continue to uncover this part of you. It's you we love and respect.

And you're cleaning your house on your birthday??? Stop that :)

It's not JUST about you, but it is about you and so many others who've suffered those terrible things and it's not selfish to think that. I just want you to not feel like you are are being stared at. :blink: Because you have the guts to speak out, because you have the guts to disclose your most private horrors, because you have the guts to honestly take a look at this..........that's why this thread is about you and them. We talk in our society about people that are strong, bright, achievers. The ones that I think we should honor are those that are survivors of violence. There are too many little girls and boys that feel they can't talk, can't tell, can't be loved. I weep as I recall an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse that came to our Family Violence Class. She brought with her a 911 tape for us to listen to. The little girl was 6 years old, under her bed with her beloved kitten. Her daddy was beating her mommy. We could hear the violence going on in the background as this preciouse child begged the dispatcher to hurry up and take her kitten so daddy wouldn't hurt it. It ended with the child saying so quietly that we had to strain to hear it "Daddy just killed Mommy" The women standing in front of our class was that little girl. Her daddy had been beating mommy for her whole 6 years as well as violating her small body 'almost every night'. She lives with mixed emotions of being glad daddy was going to jail. Not a dry eye in the classroom as you can imagine. What it spoke to me was that survivors are the bravest people I know; especially children! Another video showed an apartment unit that the neighbors walked by all day living their lives, whispering about knowing what goes on in there, the screams they hear from two children that lived behind those doors. One witness spoke of having seen the bruises but also of the child saying to her "daddy hurts me down there too" Noone did anything; neighbors just kept walking past the door, afraid. But not as much as the night they heard gunshots coming from that unit. The 13 year old boy had shot their father, killing him. They all paid attention then. I lived a life that was kind of Norman Rockwell-ish. Loving and fun, I didn't know such horrors existed. The only way my parents touched me was with love and rarely even a swat for discipline. I never thought about whether this was how everyone else lived or not. Until I was 17 years old. A friend was gone for almost a week from school and we all wondered what was wrong with her. Finally she came back and the teachers seemed to be talking in hushed tones. She left again after a few days, and it was told us that she'd moved. One teacher had the balls to tell us that her father had been molesting her for years and she'd finally told someone. I sat there shocked. Molesting? What the he!! was molesting? When I finally found a way to get the answer to that question, it changed the train on my track. She told! I can't imagine the fear she had to muster in order to do that. This was also 1977, only a few years after the laws even considered this a crime. And certainly a long time before grownups decided to listen to these kids. Her father served two years in some half way house, her mother divorced him. My friend went on to lose her two children to the system, and her life to the streets. This thread is for you and those that lived this life as she did. For every child everywhere that lives with a monster or has to face the monster where he/she lives. For those that read here that still haven't told their story, maybe never will. You are not selfish, you are strong and brave.

:)

Kathy this thread isn't about just you. It's about you and Bow and the other women (and men) here that have disclosed such horrible things in their childhoods, and for those that haven't. Maybe more so for them. One of my favorite activities is to watch people and the most fun is to watch kids at play. Don't they seem lost in some world of their own, just "being"? What about a little kid that will sing aloud w/o any fear of who hears them or the one who will suddenly jump into a huge pile of leaves that an adult has just spent hour raking up? The little kid who will happily play in mud, knowing w/o ever having to think about it that his world is safe, that the grown ups do the big stuff like fix supper and probably will get him that new cool toy. They trust because it's natural for them. This thread is also about those children that don't do that, for reasons only they would tell.

Finally it's your birthday? Whew, this one wore me out girl! I hope it's a fabulous day of celebration of your birth and your life. You're loved.

(((Kathy)))