Vickles, I've struggled with your question as well as whether or not to post here, rather than the little bit of PM that I did.
So much good has been added here that anything I might add would be impotent except to remember you are loved and valued and important.
To God? I think so, yes.
But it's not my choice or decision to determine your God or your fellowship with same.
I do know that for my own personal life, there have been enough of those moments when I doubted big time. Why would a loving and good God not DO SOMETHING when my children's father dropped dead at age 35 when they were but 15 and 2 years old. That is my biggest and I yet struggle with that, only to have to accept that it is what it is and it wasn't anything to do with God, I've come to understand.
For my own emotional health, I had to go to the source. I had to hollar at God and ask him the really tough questions that I absolutely did not want the answers to. And a little boy told me that God can handle it if I'm mad at God.
It was circumstances and other things that didn't fall into place when they should have or how they should have. It wasn't God's fault; took me awhile to get that, as it will take you whatever time you need to find what is right for you, alone.
Why do babies die? Why do really really bad people get to live and walk free when the good ones don't.
I don't know.
In some form, I like that we can talk about this, as I'm taking on some changes that might be very good and because of it, other things are coming up that I had stuffed away very neatly thank you very much. But the new life things are great and exciting and there are no sure things and that's the exciting part. The healing part is that for whatever reason, and it doesn't matter at the end of the day, I'm seeing some other things clearer and brighter.
I can't argue with that too much
It's time, maybe for you, also.
I can pray with you and for you to my God and expect the prayers the way I always do.
Remember, too, that we enter stages in this life that stir the nice tidy life we've arranged and come to find comfortable. A friend told me yesterday, when I asked about 'how do you know you're doing the right thing', he said "you don't". I love that because it's the total opposite of the canned "you just know".
It takes courage to get up some mornings and then more courage to keep going through that particular crappy day and some are much crappier. But I think the important part is that we do get up.
Sometimes, too, we just need to express, to vent, to say it and then the answer might be there. More often it's no where to be found, but at least we know what the question is. Right?
Only you can answer this for you; that's the coolest part. I'm here if you answer them here or never mention it again.
:)
