Several things strike me when I even hear a hint of 'why didn't she tell?' and 'why didn't you DO something' or 'why wasn't anyone held accountable?'
I don't have my license to provide therapy, yet. I have the years of college training and the leather bound piece of paper that I understand now isn't worth the paper the fancy degree is on if the victim isn't willing, or can't, or won't, or isn't willing or able to do the hardest part.
If a client, or anyone, come to even the highest of trained person and spills their guts, s/he, the victim has to do the hardest part and follow through with the assist they're asking for.
We can hollar at the helping professional forever and even when they do their legally required part in reporting a crime, if the victim won't press charges, or can't see it through, what are we supposed to do? Force them, put them over our shoulder and carry them to the police? Sit on them until they spill their guts?
Sometimes when a victim knows there are other victims, it's even harder for them to speak up. They often will look around and wonder "if they can hang in there, what's wrong with me?"
It doesn't make it right, it just is. Sometimes if we put ourselves in that place and really listen and really look, we might understand better.
If someone grows up in abuse from early age, that is their normal. Moving on to bigger and more isn't an issue for them, not telling isn't an issue for them.
If a client is sitting in my office and I say "you have to tell and I'll go with you" it won't matter unless they can find the massive strength to agree and then do it. I can call authorities and report a crime, encourage the victim to talk to them, but if they, for whatever reason, change their minds, decide not to prosecute, what other options are there?
As has been said here, the leaders entrusted with others' lives and hearts were as young or younger than the victims in many instances. When I was in my 20's, I barely had enough life experience to keep the rent paid, much less walk with someone through the court process and stick it out til the very end, which might be years away. I don't care how "spiritual" I was.
I defy anyone! to answer their phone one day and hear a friends voice on the other end say "I was just raped" and know exactly what to do. In ones gut, the first thing after "WHAT???" is most likely going to be 'you have to go to the cops'.
Uh huh, sure
That person knows what is ahead of them if they do, the person is psychologically, physically, emotionally destroyed, scared, might have been threatened or had their babies lives threatened, a host of other scary realities that are hurting as bad as the attack at that moment.
In all the fancy phych classes, we're taught things like "I'll be with you every step of the way" but ya better damn well mean it! Seriously have every!! intention of taking each and every painful humiliating step. We're taught to offer counseling and crisis groups, but if the victim doesn't show up, are we to go to their homes and drag them to their appointment?
I've heard "why, to sit around with other people who've been raped and listen to their stories?" The answer is, of course, yes, that's therapeutic but maybe not to THEM.
If there are more victims of the same rapist, all might not come forward. The one that does is told lovely things like we'll find the others, we'll get them to talk, we'll keep trying. A time or two, another of the victims garners strength from the vocal one and might peek in, but it's long in coming, often.
Tell a victim of abuse that you'll move heaven and hell to protect them and you might find yourself sitting in the defendants chair for victimizing your client, or at the very least, getting your a$$ chewed in a huge way by your boss for offering services the agency doesn't offter. And another a$$ chewing for making it harder for the police by telling the victim they'll provide protection when they don't.
Then not only have you pi$$ed off those that you need to help you in this messy journey, you're lost the trust of your client, the victim, who already has massive trust issues.
If Don or anyone else in his position has a line outside his office, where in the hell is he supposed to organize this mess? How is he to spend the time getting all the stories in some sort of order, get with everyone involved, get them to agree together, to get their poop in a group to feel strong enough to do the really hard part. When the dust clears, it isn't Don or the other helpers who will have to keep the ball rolling, it would be the victims.
One can understand the exhaustion and frustration of being helpless when one really honestly truly wants to help.
Also when leadership tells someone "you can call me anytime, day or night" how can s/he really mean this, in a place like twi? Shoot, one day the victim might call and the promise will be true, the next time, their friend in leadership has been moved in the night and evaporated. On the evaporated ones mind is the victim but how to contact them, especially when they've promised to keep closed mouth about it?
What should they do? Call and leave a message on the machine " Hi, XXXXXXX, this is Don, I'm sorry, I know I told you we'd talk tomorrow, but something has come up and I've been moved suddenly and unexpectedly and we won't be able to. Good luck to you"
Click
Or their spouse or room mate gets the message first, a person the victim hadn't figured out how to tell yet.
Yup, another person who said they'd help and didn't, what else is new. Not intentioned by the leader, of course not.
That is the reality.
So, the victim again feels denied, more and more trust is gone.
Now what? Wait a week until the branch meeting that introduces yet another leader, find them at the coffee pot alone and say "So and so was helping me with _________' listing the entire problem in 2 minutes.
And we're off................... again.
In the free world as helping professionals, we can encourage the victim and "do what we can" only to find out they've evaportated one night. What are we supposed to do then? Neglect others in our caseload to phone everyone the victim has ever mentioned and inquire as to their new address?
With children, yes, we are duty bound to report. So the caseworker does his/her visit and paperwork and the sweet scared little kid won't do it.
Now what?
It's extremely easy and convenient to offer any manner of "well I would have......".
If we've even tried to find the way through the sharp and ugly and dark maze of criminal justice in these highly emotional cases, then we can understand it's one of the most difficult mess of our lives.
Finally, in the 70's, people still didn't tell, wives were still in submission, kids were still suffering silently. If we think the resources are few and far between now, it's nothing compared to the slim pickin's in just information then.
It's better now, perhaps and sometimes, but not until and IF the victim is willing to do the hardest part. Blame can be placed in a million places, but the reality is that some leaders DID try to help, some victims DID come out and follow through.
To chew Don out 'cuz he was in some higher place than me is futile. I get the wierd thinking but none of us is/was more accountable than another. Either way we can't make people do what they don't want to do, are scared out of their minds to do. Personally, I don't care if it's Don or you or me or bubbastinky. We can not force another to do the hardest part of being a victim.
When a mama kills her babies or a daddy kills the entire family; the neighbors, family, friends, are often the first people's faces in CNN saying "I knew something was wrong, but didn't know what to do". Or the other side "I had no idea!"
When we had a guy in our twig that "smelled fishy" I dug out my love of digging stuff and seeing what crawled out and found out a ton of shi+ he was up to. Yup, involved kids and I started hollaring. The oldest story in the world, leadership took him into a room for several hours, and the next day he evaporated. That was an ugly conversation to have with the mama of one of his victims later. Mama took it further to the police, who did their thing. The smelly one called me and threatened my baby, I still supported the mama. Did I put my own child at risk for a stranger? YUP! Was I wrong to do that? YUP! But I was "leadership" and all that bullshi+ and I had to save all the world cuz God wanted me to.
Crap is what that is.
After some time, the fallout from this became too much for that sweet little boy.
We can look around our neighborhoods, our church, our schools and stats tell us that 1 out of 3 kids is being abused at home. What should we do, knock on doors and force everyone to tell if they are the one? I think the stats are the same for adult female victims of sexual assault? So, there are three women in my little family, one of my daughters might be the victim of a rape? Carry that around in the day and see how it feels.
As helping professionals we can only be there if and when the one does find the courage to ask for help, then brace ourselves for saying things like "I'm sorry, but your abuser/stalker/molester/rapist has rights".
To put the responsibility on leadership like Don then to bi+ch when he doesn't do it to our liking, or to like him only when he did/does what we think he should have is just ridiculous.
Or anyone! We never ever ever understand until we live it and have to put head to pillow at night with it still there, knowing we have to get up again tomorrow and keep doing it.
Burn out rate of child protection workers is about one year. Domestic Violence worker hang in there for maybe two before they start to crack around the edges.
That is WITH some training in a classroom, internships and practice on the field.
