Belle

Was there also some silly process by which they vacuum, rake and re-vacuumed the carpet two or three times a day in there?

Didn't they also have to spend a bundle getting windows replaced because they were leaking so bad due to being put in wrong? That brass polishing was constant and ridiculous, imo. Whoever thought putting that high of maintenance stuff in there must not have had to maintain it to TWIt standards.

Y'all are so kewl! Chas, we are definitely going to have to meet some day. :)--> So, we're all in our 20's again and the parents aren't home! :D--> Seriously, I think it's been healing to see things through the eyes of a youngster again. I know you can't make up for lost time, but it certainly helps make the transition a lot smoother. outofdafog - I agree that growing in self-esteem and relying only on ourselves for validation is one of the major keys to enforcing healthy boundaries for ourselves. I think these are some of the tactics TWIt leaders used to keep us feeling inadequate and scared that God also considered us unworthy of love and protection: covert intimidation examples: greasespot by midnight; God can't protect you; you're opening the door to let the adversary in your life, etc.

:D--> I love it! :D-->

OMG! LOL! I'm sure it was fun sharing a shower with them too.

This is the primary tactic used about the "no debt policy" that they claim doesn't exist. "We do not have a policy on debt. We have requirements for some of our programs, that's all." "We never told someone they had to sell their house or their car." "We don't tell people what to do. We tell them what the word says and let them make up their own minds." I knew they were full of b.s., but with comments like that it's hard to argue when you don't have this kind of information.

Playing the Servant Role –Covert-aggressives use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a more noble cause. It's a common tactic but difficult to recognize. By pretending to be working hard on someone else's behalf, covert-aggressives conceal their own ambition, desire for power, and quest for a position of dominance over others. The only master he serves is his own ambition.. Not only is playing the servant role an effective tactic, but also it’s the cornerstone upon which corrupt ministerial empires of all types are built. A good example comes to mind in the recent true story of a well-known televangelist who locked himself up in a room in a purported display of "obedience" and "service" to God. He even portrayed himself' a willing sacrificial lamb who was prepared to be "taken by God" if he didn't do the Almighty's bidding and raise eight million dollars. He claimed he was a humble servant, merely heeding the Lord's will. He was really fighting to save his substantial material empire. Seduction- Covert-aggressive personalities are adept at charming, praising, flattering or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and surrender their trust and loyalty. Covert-aggressives are also particularly aware that people who are to some extent emotionally needy and dependent (and that includes most people who aren't character-disordered) want approval, reassurance, and a sense of being valued and needed more than Anything. Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be a manipulator's ticket to incredible power over others. Shady "gurus" like Jim Jones and David Koresh seemed to have refined this tactic to and art. He does this by giving you what he knows you need most. He knows you want to feel valued and important. So, he often tells you that you are. You don't find out how unimportant you really are to him until you turn out to be in his way. Projecting the blame (blaming others) –Aggressive personalities are always looking for a way to shift the blame for their aggressive behavior. Covert-aggressives are not only skilled at finding scapegoats, they're expert at doing so in subtle, hard to detect ways. Minimization –This tactic is a unique kind of denial coupled with rationalization. When using this maneuver, the aggressor attempting to assert their abusive behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may, be claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain. I've presented the principal tactics that covertaggressives use to manipulate and control others. They are not always easy to recognize. Although all aggressive personalities tend to use these tactics, covert-aggressives generally use them slickly, subtly and adeptly. Anyone dealing with a covertly aggressive person will need to heighten gut-level sensitivity to the use of these tactics if they're to avoid being taken in by them.

Shaming –This is the. technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to them. It's an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy in the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of dominance. When Joe loudly proclaimed any "good" parent would do just as he was doing to help Lisa, he subtly implied Mary would be a "bad" parent if she didn't attempt to do the same. He "invited" her to feel ashamed of herself. The tactic was effective. Mary eventually felt ashamed for taking a position that made it appear she didn't care enough about her own daughter. Even more doubtful of her worth as a person and a parent, Mary deferred to Joe, thus enabling him to rein a position of dominance over her. Covert-aggressives are expert at using shaming tactics in the most subtle ways. Sometimes it can just be in the glances they give or the tone of voice they use. Using rhetorical comments, subtle sarcasm and other techniques, they Can invite you to feel ashamed of yourself for even daring to challenge them. I remember how Joe tried to shame me when I considered accepting the educational assessment performed by Lisa's school. He said something like: "I'm not sure what kind of doctor you are or just what kind of credentials you have, but I'm sure you'd agree that a youngster's grades wouldn't slip as much as Lisa's for no reason. You couldn't be entirely certain she didn't have a learning disabiiity unless you did some testing, could you?' With those words, he "invited" me to feel ashamed of myself for not at least considering doing just as he asked. If I didn't have a suspicion about what he was up to, I might have accepted this invitation without a second thought. Playing the Victim Role –This tactic involves portraying oneself as an innocent victim of circumstance or someone else's behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. One thing that covert-aggressive personalities count on is the fact that less calloused and hostile personalities usually can't stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore, the tactic is simple. Convince your victim you're suffering in some way, and they'll try to relieve your distress. Vilifying the Victim -This tactic is frequently used in conjunction with the tactic of playing the victim role. The aggressor uses this tactic to make it appear he is only responding (i.e. defending himself against) aggression on the part of the victim. It enables the aggressor to better put the victim on the defensive.

Diversion – A moving target is hard to hit. When we try to pin a manipulator down or try to keep a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior we don't like, they're expert at knowing how to change the subject, dodge the issue or in some way throw us a curve. They use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas. By using diversion they are fighting to avoid consequences. Whenever someone is not responding directly to an issue, you can safely assume that for some reason, they're trying to give you the slip. Lying – It's hard to tell when a person is lying at the time they're doing it. Fortunately, there are times when the truth will out because circumstances don't bear out somebody's story But there are times when you don't know you've been deceived until it's too late. One way to minimize the chances that someone will put one over on you is to remember that because aggressive personalities of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want, you can expect them to lie and cheat. Another thing to remember is that manipulators -covert-aggressive personalities that they are -are prone to lie in subtle, covert ways. Someone was well aware of the many ways there are to lie when they suggested that court oaths charge a person to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth " Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the truth from you or by distorting the truth. They are adept at being vague when you ask them direct questions. This an especially slick way of lying' omission. Keep this in mind when dealing with a suspected wolf in sheep's clothing. Always seek and obtain specific, confirmable information. Covert Intimidation -Aggressors frequently threaten their victims to keep them anxious, apprehensive and in a one-down position. Covert-aggressives intimidate their victims by making veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats. Guilt-tripping –This is one of the covert-aggressive's two favorite weapons (the other is shaming). It's a special kind of intimidation tactic. One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon. Aggressive personalities of all types use guilt-tripping so frequently and effectively as a manipulative tactic, that I believe it illustrates how fundamentally different in character they are compared to other (especially neurotic) personalities. All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately starts to feel bad. On the contrary, a conscientious person might try until they're blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive personality to feel badly about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility, or admit wrongdoing, to absolutely no avail.

Defense Mechanisms and Offensive Tactics Almost everyone is familiar with the term defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms are the "automatic" (i.e. unconscious) mental behaviors all of us employ to protect or defend ourselves from the "threat" of some emotional pain. Mere specifically, ego defense mechanisms are mental behaviors we use to "defend" our self-images from "invitations" to feel ashamed or guilty about something. There are many different kinds of ego defenses and the more traditional psychodynamic) theories of personality have always tended to distinguish the various personality types, at least in part, by the types of ego defenses they prefer to use. One of the problems with psychodynamic approaches to understanding human behavior is that they tend to depict people as most always afraid of something and defending or protecting themselves in some way; even when they're in the act of aggressing. Covert-aggressive personalities (indeed all aggressive personalities) use a variety of mental behaviors and interpersonal maneuvers to help ensure they get what they want. Some of these behaviors have been traditionally thought of as defense mechanisms. While, from a certain perspective we might say someone engaging in these behaviors is defending their ego from any sense of shame or guilt, it's important to realize that at the time the aggressor is exhibiting these behaviors, he is not primarily defending (i.e. attempting to prevent some internally painful event from occurring), but rather fighting to maintain position, gain power and to remove any obstacles (both internal and external) in the way of getting what he wants. Seeing the aggressor as on the defensive in any sense is a set-up for victimization. Recognizing that they're primarily on the offensive mentally prepares a person for the decisive action they need to take in order to avoid being run over. Therefor, I think it's best to conceptualize many of the mental behaviors (no matter how "automatic" or "unconscious" they may appear) we often think of as defense mechanisms as offensive power tactic because aggressive personalities employ them primarily to manipulate, control and achieve dominance over others. Rather than trying to prevent something emotionally painful or dreadful from happening, anyone using these tactics is primarily trying to ensure that something they want to happen does indeed happen. Using the vignettes presented in the previous chapters for illustration, let's take a look at the principal tactics covert-aggressive personalities use to ensure they get their way and maintain a position of power over their victims: Denial –This is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to themselves as well. as others) about their aggressive intentions. This "Who... Me?" tactic is a way of "playing innocent," and invites the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior. It's also the way the aggressor gives him/herself permission to keep right on doing what, they want to do. This denial is not the same kind of denial that a person who has just lost a loved one and can't quite bear to accept the pain and reality of the loss engages in. That type of denial really is mostly a "defense" against unbearable hurt and anxiety. Rather, this type of denial is not primarily a "defense" but a maneuver the aggressor uses to get others to back off, back down or maybe even feel guilty themselves for insinuating he's doing something wrong. Selective Inattention –This tactic is similar to and sometimes mistaken for denial It's when the aggressor "plays dumb," or acts oblivious. When engaging in this tactic, the aggressor actively ignores the warnings, pleas or wishes of others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to everything and anything that might distract them from pursuing their own agenda. Often, the aggressor knows full well what you want from him when he starts to exhibit this "I don't want to hear it!" behavior. By using this tactic, the aggressor actively resists submitting himself to the tasks of paying attention to or refraining from the behavior you want him to change. Actively listening to and heeding the suggestions of someone else are, among other things, acts of submission. Rationalization –A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor tries to offer for engaging in an inappropriate or harmful behavior. It can be an effective tactic, especially when the explanation or justification the aggressor offers makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to fall for it. It's a powerful tactic because it not only serves to remove any internal resistance the aggressor might have about doing what they want to do (quieting any qualms of conscience they might have) but also to keep others off their back. If the aggressor can convince you they're justified in whatever they're doing, then they're freer to pursue their goals without interference. When a manipulator really wants to make headway with their rationalizations they'll be sure their excuses are combined with other effective tactics. For example, when Joe was "selling" Mary on the justification for shoving his agenda down everyone's throat he was also sending out subtle invitations for her to feel ashamed (Shaming her for not being as "concerned" a parent as he was) as well as to feel guilty (guilt-tripping her) for not being as conscientious as he was pretending to be.

This is an excerpt from an excerpt from Rick Ross's website. It is especially pertinent, I think, to this TWI III generation because of the fox's slick, sly and more subtle ways of controlling people. Dealing With Manipulative People An Excerpt from the book: In Sheep's Clothing By George K. Simon Two Basic Types of Aggression There are two basic types of aggression: overt-aggression and covert-aggression. When you're determined to have something and you're open, direct and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you're out to "win," dominate or control, but are subtle, underhanded or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Now, avoiding any overt display of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into giving you what you want is a powerfully manipulative maneuver. That's why covert-aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation. The Process of Victimization For a long time, I wondered why manipulation victims have a hard time seeing what really goes on in manipulative interactions. At first, I was tempted to fault them. But I've learned that they get hoodwinked for some very good reasons: A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they're fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can't point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us, we aren't readily validate our feelings. The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're hurting, caring, defending, ....almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a person doubt their gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused. Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and objectively tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you or consciously on the defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to which anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally on the run. All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might exploit. Sometimes, we're aware of these weaknesses and how someone might use them to take advantage of us. For example, I hear parents say things like: "Yeah, I know I have a big guilt button." -But at the time their manipulative child is busily pushing that button, they can easily forget what's really going on. Besides, sometimes we're unaware of our biggest vulnerabilities. Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited. What our gut tell us a manipulator is like challenges everything we've been taught to believe about human nature. We've, been inundated with a psychology that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or "hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath." What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments about others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they have don't really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character. Recognizing Aggressive Agendas Accepting how fundamental it is for people to fight for the things they want and becoming more aware of the subtle, underhanded ways people can and do fight in their daily endeavors and relationships can be very consciousness expanding. Learning to recognize an aggressive move when somebody makes one and learning how to handle oneself in any of life's many battles has turned out to be the most empowering experience for the manipulation victims with whom I've worked. It's how they eventually freed themselves from their manipulator's dominance and control and gained a much needed boost to their own sense of self esteem. Recognizing the inherent aggression in manipulative behavior and becoming more aware of the slick, surreptitious ways that manipulative people prefer to aggress against us is extremely important. Not recognizing and accurately labeling their subtly aggressive moves causes most people to misinterpret the behavior of manipulators and, therefore, fail to respond to them in an appropriate fashion. Recognizing when and how manipulators are fighting with

:(--> It's over? It's really over?? :(--> I've REALLY enjoyed reading it, especially because it has a very happy ending! And thanks to that happy ending, I've gotten to know you! :)--> Thank you for sharing your story with us O&A! You really are an excellent writer.

If ExWayDaryl were straight then I'd have a handywipe in my left pocket. ;)-->

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OE! :D--> :D--> I hope it's a blast!

Not THAT'S a church I could be faithful to!

I think the fact that so many people have seen so much deliverance and "more fruit" and peace in their lives after leaving TWI is testimony to the rotten destructive teachings and behavior in that group. I'm shocked, Cindy! That link says 60% of marriages have domestic abuse?!? I really find that hard to believe. Are evil people really that prolific in the US? :(-->

likeaeagle - "out of a bubble and into a world I had to discover" that's how I feel! I've missed out on so much and didn't realize how much there is out there that I don't know squat about. It's really exciting and I'm looking forward to continuing to learn and experience new things that TWI insulated us from. I'm glad life is real good for you now, too!

diazbro - lots of sage wisdom in your post. Thanks! We did manage to avoid dealing with "real world" issues in so many ways, didn't we? Especially those of us with "unbelieving" family members. I never did think about rewards or working toward them till TWI. Even now I catch myself wondering if I'm going to get or lose rewards for this or that. But then I laugh and think about how surprised the TWIts are going to be at the bema.

outofdafog - I went through the same "Free at last! Thank God, I am free at last!!" emotions to the "Oh God! What have I done?? What are you going to let them do to me??" Thankfully, my lurkdom around here had already pretty much convinced me that I was NOT going to end up a greasespot.....well, not the kind of GSpot lcm talked about! ;)--> Maybe we should have some kind of rebellious GSpot gathering and everyone come dressed as the age they "feel" and the fad clothing from what years that would have been. A "Come as you feel" kind of party.

Bramble - LOL! I relate to the cave dwelling comment, but moreso from my ex husband's experience than my own. I am a news junkie and I have always done pretty good at keeping up with the latest trends, but he didn't know that people had died and sometimes we'd be talking about something and he'd say, "They're DEAD? When did that happen?" I feel like I'm doing the things I would have been doing in my late 20's and early 30's, so I really understand. Thanks for your input.

Outintexas - I never thought about being emotionally 25, but reading your post makes perfect sense to me! We were taught that emotions were "icing on the cake" and basically that we should ignore and control them to the point of supressing them instead of recognizing and learning from them. I'm glad you're having a good, fun time adjusting! :)--> It IS hard for people to understand what it takes to adjust who haven't been in our shoes. Thank goodness for GSpot to help with that!

George - I think people like you and Hope who never let TWI infiltrate your WHOLE life have/had an easier time adjusting and getting out. You already had things to fall back on. I so wish I had done that, but in my situation, it wasn't really "available". (puke!) I like Texas; I may just have to check it out. Don't you have to speak Spanish, though? ;)-->

johniam - There are things I gave up for TWI lent (love that term!) and I did slowly start going back to some of those things in the last year before I left. I've also picked up a few new hobbies and volunteer jobs. It is helping. I just feel so far behind sometimes and even though I know it's going to take time, I just want to make sure I'm on the right path and sometimes wish it would go faster. I should just slow down an enjoy the journey, eh? ;)-->

coolchef - I'm so sorry for what you went through! Congratulations on your new President status! :D--> Living well truly is the best revenge and the best for us, isn't it?

Thanks, y'all! WW, those interactions with all kinds of people are what I think I missed most in TWI. I love getting to meet people from all walks of life and with all kinds of interests. I haven't studied Buddha yet, but I have enjoyed learning about other religions and cultures related to them. I'll definitely check out "Finding Your Own North Star" - thanks for the suggestion! Love ya too!