Dot Matrix

Dooj: When I was a "girl" I dreamed that someday I would meet someone who would love me and whom I would love. I pictured it many different ways but it was always wrapped in "love" and friendship. I knew I would look in his eyes and he would see me and I - him.... that when I held his hand it would be like I reclaimed a piece of me. Only, I did not know how rare that kind of love is/was. I did not know that couples "hate" and one could be "lonely" in a marriage. What I wanted never happened for me. And for a long while I wondered if it was "real" or "really out there" or by design something people would dream about and never attain. Anyway, I know that it does exist because I heard "IT" in the "two of you." And what I read here now is such intense love, sweet love and dedication that I can feel your unbearable pain. I am so very sorry. It just seems like birds should stop singing or rain should fall... but the good news is "you two had IT" The "it" people dream of, the "it" people seek, the "it" people sing of, write of and present in poems trying to capture the "it" that eludes some of us a lifetime... You and Rummy are the reason love songs are written.… I know you will find him again as you said in an earlier post. … Many of us "loved" him. The two of you knew what it felt like to be "in" love. It is such a touching story.... (Dooj) I thought of him all day and I cried for both of you. I keep coming back to this thread as in a weird way - reading of him, speaking of him and seeing him represented here is helping me keep him alive because I am far from ready to let him go.

I would have NEVER recognized him in a million years...

He'd love this... To Rummie your life touched us... He and I did not share similar taste in music. He would send me stuff and I would listen... Then I would send him something I liked and he'd listen... And we would both be polite but like Blaaaaa. He was a rocker from the 70's and apparently I have begun to enjoy elevator music.... He'd laugh! Anyway, he sent me a "Tangerine Dream" heloved -- and I cannot find it... Do you recall? I felt like I needed to put on a Tie-dyed T-shirt to listen to it... Then, I would send him some soft song with great lyrics - as I am a lyric nut... And he'd say well.... not my cup of tea.... The funniest thing he ever sent was that thing on "Priest off" I laughed for DAYS and sent it to Seymore Levin - Whom Rummie loved -- and Seymore rocked out on it! It was a riot! (This is hard isn't it? Groucho, he adored you)

Groucho: Join me? Lift a glass for Rummie

For you Dooj - I love you... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQE8MR-qQX8

To my dear friend who fell asleep Monday June 28th 2010: Words catch in my throat and become dysfunctional letters lacking the ability to capture the life of this man so that I can explain the great depth of loss….

Oh Dooj He L O V E D you. He shared how he fell in love with you. It was so tender. I am dying for you Dooj -- know I cared for him very very much..... Good little Rummy... OMG!

In memory of Rummy Although we were not "best" friends -- He was the best friend I ever knew. And he was my dear dear friend. When my husband left me, that night I was so upset I could not sleep. Rummy stayed on the phone ALL night and let me sleep. He wanted to be there for me if I woke up afraid. When my dog died he offered to do the same thing. We talked many, many, many hours. We listened to fun music and shared our hearts and we cried in tenderness when he KNEW he met the love of his life in Dooj. Oh my God Rummy, I am a mess. You were one of the greatest people I have ever known… I can hardly breath. I loved you my brother ---the world should go off its axis and all the stars should fall out of the sky for truly a treasure was lost in your death, I will miss you forever. He stood in ministry. He was a renegade. He was the love of Christ in boots - but would always deny it, he always made time for me, he listened intently, we shared ministry war stories and deep conversations on life. · Rummy was brillant. He was so loving. When he left California he had frequented a "Ralph's" grocery store so much that he tried to set up a BBQ and drinks for all of the employees as a thank-you. He always shot it to me (and everyone) straight. Rummy, I will see you at the gathering. Oh Good Rummy… Good Night….

His wife was Peggy Harrison - 9th corps

Because I know people can be sensitive - this is not about anyone but me and how I see myself in a "group" and individually. My use of the word "you" and "we" is just in conversation to make my points about me and not meant to judge, incorporate, indite or diagnose anyone other than myself. It is my journey and how I broke free. As in the song “Wait I can do better than this…” And we can do better than a lunatic old man with a small dinky and a huge ego. That is and was not God. Some of what he spoke had the ring of truth because he “borrowed” it from people who really did research and who genuinely wanted to help God’s people. And that was the big fat worm on the hook. The hook hidden behind the antics and wiggling of the “stuff we were looking for” then after we took the bait behind the worm was the revealed “hook”. To remove a hook it hurts like helll. But ripping it out is the only way to be free. The saddest thing is there are fish who will just never try to “eat a worm again” - they have walked away from God. And others, who thankfully do not blame God, but will investigate things first next time. We (I spk in general) were seeking something. A better life, sense in a world devoted to nonsense, kindness after we had been beaten, a sense of belonging if we came from abusive or dysfunctional families and the worm danced and sang of all the answers like a carnival barker claiming if you knock over the three bottles you will get the prize. Only they do not show you the nails holding the bottles together or the many of the other deceptions to “get you.” Life is filled with carnival barkers calling out their deceit in wonderful packaging and I am sure we have been taken more than once. I know I have been. But I am determine to NOT give up on God – I am determined to discover WHY I get deceived by the worm and swallow the hook. IS it because I am too lazy to search things out? Is it because I am too afraid that what I see will be wrong and I trust stranger’s views more than my own? Is it in desperation to find the “nice people” I am sure are out there? What is it in ME that has this repeat itself in “cults” “marriages” places of business and or work relationships? What prevents me from seeing the evil behind the mask and how do I obtain sound judgment, discernment and wisdom? How do I repair me so I do not invite the food- seeking lions in seeing me as “food.” It has nothing to do with if I am a good girl, I get good grades, or I helped my mother do the dishes… Lions do not differentiate when they are hungry… They do not say leave the good little girl and eat the mean one. They EAT whomever they can. And therein laid my problem. I was someone they could eat because when I “felt” funny about the worm I still ate it, after I saw the hook I stayed. and when the blatant atrocities happened I tried to “fix” things so I could go back to the “blissful” days (albeit an illusion) Rape is different. But even as a victim of rape one must decide if they will live in the horror of the rape for the rest of their lives or rise up, wash off the residue of evil and declare – perhaps with a shaken fist – you will NOT defeat me. Some of us allowed TWI to help us choose our spouses, our clothes, our thoughts and behavior, some spread their legs willingly – others learned to “use people” by emotional solicitation and sex. All of it, IMO, no matter which side you (or I) came from was wrong. Once we saw the seduction away from healthy morals and sound thinking – we each sold something in ourselves in an effort to stay. If you did not involve yourself in the sexual things but allowed them to push your kids around – there was a price you paid to “keep the relationship” going. Some sold their homes to please leadership, even though they “felt” it was not the correct thing to do, because we allowed these “people” to think for us on some level because “they were in the know” and we wanted God’s love. Were we used? Helll yes. I do not dispute that but why did so many of us let this happen to ourselves is the question and why so many of us have bucked “recovery” to glom onto the victim role as a life code is what I questioned in my own life. There is healthy interaction with people and there is codependent interaction. With the family cracks laid in me, and slogans such as “God first, OTHERS second, and myself third” I was restructured into considering others before making a sound decision on my own. Blind obedience became a mantra and my own innate sense of right and wrong was thwarted because I was to be LAST in this litany of unhealthy people I allowed in my life. This is NOT biblical and set me up for the narcissist to bully me, the con-artist to use me, the emotional pedophile to deceive me and play with my emotions and for those who have not had my best interest at heart to hold positions of authority and power over me. But like Dorothy in the wizard of Oz I had the power “in me” all along to change things. I could leave, say “no”, study the Bible myself and take control of my own life instead of signing up for “lemming” registration --- I had the power all along. And when it all boils down it is all about “me”. Just like it is all about “you”. Not your abuse, not the tricks, not TWI but what did you do in your life? My part? Well from my eyes I was loyal, trusting, giving and in “their” corner, committed and would not abandon anyone. From their perspective – the con They would say something like, “Everyone always hurts me, uses me and runs out on me.” I then say, “I won’t do that. I will be here for you.” I make a covenant pack WAY too early in a relationship. Then, they feel me out by telling me about a “need” they have… i.e., when I moved here I lost the trunk with my dress clothes and I don’t even have a suit. I, putting their needs before my own, go out and buy them a suit. My perspective: I will love them the way I would want to be loved. I will believe in them and give them an opportunity at their job interview to shine with the “new suit.” Their perspective: What an idiot. I have one on the hook, I wonder what else I can get her to do for me. After I see that the person then goes out drinking and having a great time and had the money to BUY THEIR OWN SUIT while I have to count pennies as I “gave” beyond what I should have given… I get mad but I do not leave as I gave my word, my bond, my oath – “I will not leave”… The red flags be dammmmed after all, he just needed to be believed in -- its only a suit. Their perspective, Wow, I can run around drink and do whatever I want and she ain’t going no place. Awesome. Maybe I can give her a sob story and have her fix my car. Oh Dot, thanks for always being there for me and when I get back into my financial pace I am taking you out for a great dinner and movie or whatever you want.” I forgive their slight over sight in using their money to dally at the bars and once he “makes it” he will see who has been in his corner. But he does need his car fixed to “get” to the interview. I will offer half the money until he gets on his feet then he can pay me back or whatever… Their perspective: Shoot, I do not have to pay her back, I will just come up with another sob story… Meanwhile, I am going to ask “Betsy” out as she has confidence and is a challenge… I have done the same thing over and over. On the WOW field, in the ministry, at work, in relationships over and over and over same story line different people and situations. I had to remove myself from my “life” and stand still for a minute and LOOK at myself. I had begged God for people to stop doing this to me and to BLESS me – but I stayed on the same hamster wheel… Giving, being used and asking God to bless me. First, I had to get off the wheel. Then, I had to dissect why the wheel appealed to me. Next, WHAT I DID to invite these kinds of people and situations into my life repeatedly. I established boundaries. I began to heed red flags. I addressed “past” issues, which taught me vulnerability and “looser” behaviors and all the layered stuff that happened as a result of it. Then, I had to be willing to change. If I wanted a NEW life I had to incorporate NEW behaviors. And that is where I am currently. Investigating a “new” me who can make better decisions and recognize red flags from the “get go” and WALK AWAY. I cannot fix another person. I cannot make someone love me who doesn’t. I cannot fix a ministry. I cannot make someone stop drinking. I cannot change others. But what I can change is ME. And I take responsibility for “inviting” these situations to myself – for after I saw the hook behind the worm I convinced myself what I saw was wrong or “fixable”. “I must be doing something wrong. And I needed to try harder be nicer/smarted/prettier/more compliant… I can fix this….” There are predators and they do target people. I walked around with a target on my head. I was targeted because I "lived" as a perpetual target. Nothing I can do will make a predator STOP being a predator or will stop a person from drowning if they will not get out of the water and into the lifeboat but I can stop being a target and an enabler. They never change and if they do it will be by their own hand. All I did was waste the energy that could have moved me to knowing MY dreams and waste it on someone else, or a cult or a whatever else distracted me. I do not make “lasting vows” too early anymore. I do not ask TOO many people their opinions. I get quiet, go to God and move forward with the things I can DO, I can CHANGE and I can HANDLE. It has left me lean in the area of friends and activities. But I realized to surround myself with unhealthy people was not having a group of friends but rather being a part of the tribe that walked around the desert for 40 years. I wanted OUT of the desert and before I could show anyone the way out (if asked) I had to break free and find my own way out. I am responsible for me. Thank God!

Thank you, I will do that

I have no idea! I made a slide show at slide.com with music. I hit download which made it a zip file on my comouter -- Which I then moved to my desk top so I could rename it. Well, it never made the trip. Anyone know of a way to make a slide show video that I can then put over into youtube WITH EASE? Thank you

This kid Krystal Meyer is awesome! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmpf8Eq4RgM http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmpf8Eq4RgM

I still am uncertain how to make a little picrure like you do. Here is a link Ressurection

Norah Jones What am I to You ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnolNQUxzdo&feature=related What am I to you Tell me darling true To me you are the sea Vast as you can be And deep the shade of blue When you're feeling low To whom else do you go See I cry if you hurt I'd give you my last shirt Because I love you so If my sky should fall Would you even call Opened up my heart I never want to part I'm giving you the ball When I look in your eyes I can feel the butterflies I love you when you're blue Tell me darlin true What am I to you Yah well if my sky should fall Would you even call Opened up my heart Never want to part I'm giving you the ball When I look in your eyes I can feel the butterflies Could you find a love in me Could you carve me in a tree Don't fill my heart with lies I will you love when you're blue Tell me darlin true What am I to you What am I to you What am I to you

I wanted to send a LOVE card and what better time than Easter - with the subject being Jesus. I am the Resurrection! He did not say - I was the resurrection! John 11:25 (King James Version) 25Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: The resurrection of Jesus is thought about once a year. The truth each each time we hurt, we are sick, financially challenged, lonely or get "lost" we can tap into the resurrected power of Jesus Christ. (We can also tap into it in thanksgiving and praise.) We can pray and speak the resurrection power of Jesus to where we are dead or diseased. The resurrection is more of a "Verb" than a past tense noun. Did Jesus get up from the dead long ago? Yes. But it is an action that takes place each time we we speak Jesus to our fallen places. The resurrection is current, active and ongoing. Let the active resurrection touch you this Easter. May these songs minister to you in his holy name which is above all names - J E S U S. Here is the resurrection of Jesus - let it wash over you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZUTt8XINPY Now speak it actively into the present - out loud Example: I speak resurrection to strengthen my back and claim the resurrection of Jesus to heal me as he already paid the price for all that ails me. "Back" I speak to you and I claim the power of Jesus to be manifested in every cell, in every place I claim healing in the name of Jesus And here is personal resurrection:

Rum- As always, you have me thinking. I just love your post! Thanks. I have been thinking a long those lines lately after doing a lot of self-examination.