Nero

I'm sorry you had to live a double life Belle. =( That must have been very difficult. But like everyone else has said - you are no coward. If anyone - your husband was one for not sticking by you. You were his wife! Maybe it's just the atheist in me talking but: Wife/Husband > Church everytime. I remember the last time I had a confrontation with someone in the Way (right before I was married actually). They treated my husband like some dangerous posseso. I knew this because of a few key words pumpkin mentioned when he told me what they said to him out of my earshot. There was no way I was going to put up with them treating him like that - I cussed the bastages out, packed my bro up and left.

Amen! I had people complain about my car before too - if they don't like the mess than they can take their own car! And my house is messy too! <3 I love it! When I moved out with my husband those were the happiest times of my life because for once in my life I wasn't guilted about not vacuuming every single day. <3

This reminds me of a time when I went to a fellowship one horrible horrible night. My parents got us there early for once. Which made me very very happy! Because there was the nice sofa... or the hard metal chairs. Having to sit on one of those for over an hour is painful... Anyways... The fellowship coordinator's wife told me to move for an older gentleman. I was aggravated at first because I got there first and this was the first time in a while that I had a shot at sitting somewhere comfortable for once. But I knew he would be worse off - his back was worse off than mine so I gave it up. So yes I was upset that I had to sit in the metal chair for like... 5 minutes. Then I got over it and sang and listened to the same damned thing being rehashed again... but I found it fascinating because I was told to find it fascinating at the time. I might learn something new. Yep. After fellowship the coordinator's wife pulled me outside and started talking at me about how I was looking at her with hatred the whole time. It was news to me! Because I never even glared at the wench! I barely even looked at her! She talked... and talked... and talked about WHAT I WAS THINKING. She apparently could read my mind and I've never had anything but loathing for her and my thoughts were of nothing but complete and total disrespect! O_o Huh? The worst part was she periodically asked me questions... and while I opened my mouth to answer them she answered them for me. Something like: "Why do you always look at me like that?" A second pause for me to open my mouth - I wanted to tell her I wasn't glaring at her. "Because you hate me that's why!" O_O I quickly realized this wasn't a discussion but a session in which she was going to complain at me at infinitum. She went on so long that I wondered what mom was going to make for dinner... only because if I didn't tune her out it would have been even more upsetting. Anyways - after she was done. I could tell she was done because her twisted lips stopped flapping. Then asked me: "What do you have to say for yourself?" I waited - because this might have been a trap. I tried talking before and she stopped me. She asked again so I realized she was finished with her tirade for now. So I asked: "What do you want me to say?" Because she had it all figured out anyway and I knew from past experiences that even if I did defend myself that she would flat out call me a liar. Because obviously I didn't know how I really felt on the inside! OOoooh! She was so mad afterwards. It launched her into another tirade about how horrible I was and she was going to have a talk with my parents! I think that was one of the few times my father ever told her to "calm the hell down." That was one of my more interesting ones. I can think of countless others. I can sort of laugh and joke about it now - but at the time it was really upsetting. In other words, keep in mind my sarcasm and attitude are coming from my present self as I used to think this was normal. XP

This is really very helpful - it might even help more if I wrote it down and filled it out hehe. I too find myself thinking: Who the heck am I? The problem with me is - there was never a "before twi" for me. So I have to figure out where do I build from here? Which is exactly what I'm having to do now. I'm pretty much having to figure out the person I WANT to be rather than the person that twi tried to mold me into.

OOoh... a contest. :3 I might go as a Silent Hill nurse only more clean and less frightening (I'm a weenie). I'll take pictures if I'm not too embarassed.

Oh wow! Everyone has such cute pets! <3 I really love the pom white dove - so cute! :3 Maybe I'll figure out how to post pictures on here and post my pets - they are my babies! :D

My parents were also in there when I was younger and I wasn't sexually abused, just mentally and somewhat physically. We're both lucky! I know My parents heart was in the right place too and I am proud of them for trying to be good people - but like you - that doesn't stop me from feeling like a freak about it. There were good people and there still are good people in there. I believe that completely! I still have one of my few childhood friends that is still in twi after all.

I noticed from looking at several threads that there are people who seem to enjoy parroting “get over it” or some form of that expression. “Why are you dwelling on something that happened years ago?” etc etc… I’m not sure if anyone else had this problem or not, but when I was younger my father always told me to immediately forgive and forget… even if no one asked me for forgiveness. I just needed to forget instead and never bring it up again. If I was abused by someone – I was to forgive them even if they had every intention of hurting me again. If I ever became angry at being mistreated I was punished. Hell, even if I was overly happy I was punished because any extreme form of any emotion was me being “out of control” of myself. I was never able to really feel. Suddenly I come to this site – and I understand now that it is alright to feel things. I’ve been experiencing anger, abundant happiness. Over twenty year’s worth. It feels good to finally tell everyone how I feel. I’m slowly starting to feel normal – and even after I do feel normal and content… I might still stay on here – not because I am still angry but because I want to help people. It aggravates me when I see some people tell others how they should get over events in their life or dictate how they should have already forgiven someone already and how the victims are wasting their time and energy on always being angry. Even if someone was angry and venting forever and ever… I wouldn’t care as long as it made them feel better. So why is it so hard for some people to deal with this? Reasons? Speculations? Inquiring minds would like to know! P.S. Can anyone think of a better title for this thread? I'm so bad at giving things titles! Ugh!

Mine: 1. who cares – I would have rather answered something like “I don’t do this at all” because I stopped talking chapter and verse a while ago. 2. loving one another as family – because this is what I believe. 3. a way to control others – because this is way the bible has been used around me. 4. its hurts my head to think – because I don’t know the answer. XP

Oh Belle! X3 Your doggy is such a cutie! Momoko, Kiley and Halifax's first names come from my favorite graphic novel "Peach Girl" - they were the main characters. The story has a sort of sentamental value because that book was the first thing my husband ever gave me. Mrs. Momoko Fimbrethil: Momo from "Peach Girl" and Fimbrethil was the name of Treebeard's ent wife (Lord of the Rings). I was originally going to get a male OES and call him Fangorn - so I just named Momo after his wife instead. Mr. Kiley Frisken: Kiley from "Peach Girl" and Frisken was a name I looked up. It means something like "small soldier with a read sword" or at least that's what I read. XP Plus... it sounded cute. If you've seen Salvador Dali's mustache - it is very long and curves up like a smile - so I gave Kiley his nickname hehe. Mr. Toji Halifax. Toji is from "Peach Girl" and "Halifax" is the name my husband picked for him. It means "Holy Hair" which you would think when you see the amount he sheds hehe. Weiss and Nero are named after my favorite characters in a game called "Dirge of Cerberus" - final fantasy. Nero the Sable and Weiss the Immaculate. Nero is a sable ferret so I named him after that character. Weiss is white so I named her after Weiss. She is also very clean. She enjoys bullying Nero around and forcing him to be her blanket/cushion. I also liked the name Nero anyway - it's so neat. And he was en emperor! Trajan, I believe, got his name from the Roman Emperor since my cousin's honey bun is a Latin Teacher. When and if I get him, I'm definitely going to keep the name. I wrote a paper about his column once. =)

I'm sorry - I forgot to say something. He had to drug them because someone somewhere along the line would have beaten up his wrinkly old butt without it. So it's okay to rape mature adult females?

What kinds of pets do you have and their names? I'm a real animal nut and just love my furkids so I had to start a thread. <3 I have... 2 Cats! They are Himalayan cats. My cream point is called Mr. Toji Halifax. Hali is my babums! And Mr. Kiley Frisken (aka Salvador Kiley because of his whiskers) is a seal point. 1 Dog! An Old English Sheepdog. Mrs. Momoko Fimbrethil. We call her Mo. She is weird, hyper and a daddy's girl. 2 Ferrets! Nero and Weiss. They are cute - and terrorize the kitties and dog. They also like to steal my stuff! I will hopefully soon recieve... Trajan the Springer Spaniel from my cousin. He is a cute muffin! <3 He will be my last "big animal." I can't handle anymore after that hehe.

That is such an idiotic statement. I could imagine maybe her boys not feeling comfortable telling her what they thought - but her husband? She has sex with the man for crying out loud! I'm sure he's told her plenty. I know my husband has told me some pretty shocking things he'd like to do. Which I don't mind - I'm as big of a pervert as he is anyday of the week. <3 But I can guarentee you that none of his fantasies have involved giving me or anyone else date rape or wanting to rape 17 year olds or anyone for that matter. And if he doesn't tell me what he wants - he shows me. If he had an desire at all to do horrible things to me or trample all over our marriage by being unfaithful then I'm sure he would have done it by now. But he won't. Because his brain isn't wired like a woman-abusing freak. Anyway - back to your "lying or gay" statement. I guess the guys who go for the older women are gay? I'll have to call up my husband and give him the terrrible news.

I have never wanted to vomit so much in my life as when I saw this. Wow... wow... just... wow. Wow Oldies! I have never heard someone so blatantly advocate rape, adultery, drugging, pedophilia in one post before. I'm with Marx on this one - either you are just insane or you are an attention whore of the worst caliber.

Thank you very much for all the replies. Sorry about the lateness of my own reply - I don't have access to the internet during the weekend. =D *hug hug* Lots of the posts definitely helped out as far as understanding what was running through my parents' heads. I feel bad for wondering why they did what they did. Maybe when I said I resented them - it was too strong of a word? This site has been sooo helpful - especially some of the articles - very eye opening! I think one of my biggest moments growing up was when my mother was talking about "the good old days of the way" and realized: I never had the "good old days of the way" hehe. Now looking at this site and talking with them... my parents "good old days" seemed just as bad as my bad days too. Oh Belle! Thanks for the mixed berry pie and all the kind words. I'll try to check out those books you mentioned - I need all of the help I can get. I even talked to my husband about going to see a shrink. nyunknown - I'm so glad you didn't get into it. I've seen them tear down so many good people. As far as what it "turned into" it was already a horrible place when I was in it hehe. I just had no idea how badley I was being treated until I got out. Doglover - oh! Another doggy! (I looove that idea) <3 I might be getting another one soon. My cousin is talking about giving me her spaniel. He will fit in nicely with my Old English Sheepdog and my kitties and ferrets. All of which are hyper velcro pets hehe. <3 I love my little darlings - they definitely help out a lot with my stress levels and keep me on my toes. <3 What kind(s) of dog(s) do you have? Thanks again for all of the coffee, food and prayers.

I know this is stupidly long – but bear with me. XP I grew up with Way Corps parents. Unlike some parents in twi they treated us really well. They were the kind of parents that would let us play a video game but remind us that it wasn’t like real life – there are no continues etc etc. I think the only thing I could say my parents lacked – was protecting us from people in twi. Maybe it was just me. My brothers got some flack – they recall just a couple times with having problems with other members – which is why one of my ‘ittle bros can forgive them for almost anything. I won’t even try to type out every single time I was mentally abused or physically abused for something as simple as not smiling enough to being accused of thinking a certain way (even though I didn’t). I did love fellowship though… everyone believed they had the right to “correct me” whenever the hell they felt like it. It ranged from smacking me around (away from my parents) to saying some of the worst thing imaginable (also away from my parents). Maybe it was the way I presented myself but I seem to be a magnet for sadistic adults who always wanted a child of their own to destroy. When I was younger I thought it was normal – so I never said a thing thinking I deserved it. When I got older (and started thinking more) I began questioning it. They were invading my space, telling me everything I should do. They were stomping on me even when I agreed with them. I couldn’t understand it. I began telling my parents what was happening and they didn’t do anything because they were afraid they would be thrown out. Then there was the whole friend issue… Having friends in twi became just as painful as having friends out in the “real world.” After you lose one good friend after another you just stop caring about making new ones. You either get moved around every year or they move you to another fellowship or your friend’s parents becomes a marked-and-avoid and you can’t see them anymore. If I did try to make friends at my school – twi talk made it difficult for me to express myself. Either that or our rigid belief system pretty much cut out most of the student body from being friend material. I never had any bad thoughts about those people surprisingly. I just didn’t want to get in trouble. If I went fellowship – I either met children just as quiet as myself or children who were just as eager to jump on me for every little sound or movement as their parents were. In fact, the worst time in my school life came from when I had two other fellowship children attending the same school. They made sure to isolate me from everyone else and at the same time, never spend any time with me. If I made a friend in fellowship, or even loved them it seemed they were mark-and-avoided almost instantly thereafter. I was young and stupid so I thought that the moment I began to love someone they would go away. I had a boyfriend and his family was thrown out. I had a crush on someone and his family was thrown out. I’d made a good friend. Tossed. I would just talk to someone: bye bye. So I tried to avoid making relationships. It was easy to retreat into myself (I even do this today) when things get boring or rough. If anyone has ever seen the French Film Amélie – it would be something like that. She was an isolated child so she made the best of it. She made up imaginary friends to play with and love. I did the same. After all – why would I bother trying to make friends when they would be gone in less than a year? I could make them up in my head and the feeling would be the same right? (I sound crazy) This isn’t to say I didn’t make acquaintances to talk with sometimes it was just very difficult to make a deep friendship. At least I’m better at making friends now even if I do occasionally visit la-la-land. P.S. La-la-land inspires me to write a lot – so I guess it’s not too bad. And I guess it’s good I have an imagination? Then there was LCM… I never knew what LCM was about. I never even knew he lost his temper and threw fits. My parents would always watch something before we did and I guess if he was being generally disgusting they wouldn’t let us see it. The only time I ever saw or heard him he was pretty calm and only seemed to get excited about what he was saying. (Just like any other priest). They silently disliked him but never talked to us (my brothers and I) about it. They never showed us what he was really like. They never told us anything – they just hid it. So I thought he was a decent person. When the newspaper came out (which I didn’t get to read) I had no idea he raped anyone much less several people. I was told that it was an affair (a one time thing) and that he apologized for it. My brain couldn’t comprehend why he was being thrown out. Why weren’t we doing the whole “forgive and forget thing” that was drilled into me for years. I even cried for him because I thought that everyone was being mean to him. My parents were suddenly saying, “He is why our ministry got this bad. Blah blah blah…” I didn’t understand. They didn’t explain anything to me at all even then. I feel more betrayed by my parents than LCM – because I wasn’t allowed to even see him as he really was. I still love them btw even though my opinion of LCM has hit and wonderfully all time low. I was angry at him – yes – because of the horrible things he did. But what bothers me more is that no one said anything while it was happening! Then years later they still didn't explains things. Let’s see… My father moved us away from a close fellowship in 2001. That was the hardest time in my life because I didn’t understand how not to go to those blasted cult meetings. Although it seemed nice for some strange reason. I’ve been slowly deprogramming every since. I met my future husband 2002. I never required my boyfriend (who wanted to marry me) to go to fellowship for the rest of their lives but I wanted them to take the foundational class just so they knew what I grew up with and what I believed (cough). He was the only one who went through it (I’m sorry honey). I was ashamed of it actually. When I went – I couldn’t believe the things that were said. We both have gay friends and I expected twi’s ideas of homosexuality would be brief but it turned into the whole class. My youngest brother was disgusted – left and didn’t go back. I and my husband watched in horror as the teacher brandished his little (big) knife talking about how much he hated homosexuals. The last time I went near a fellowship was when I was trying to bring my littler (but not the littlest) brother home because he was hurt and they treated me I was some seed woman trying to keep him from going to fellowship. We would have driven him there ourselves… but after the way they treated us… I was married a week or so later. That was two years ago. So ended my twenty-something years in twi... Back to LCM… Up until a month or so ago my parents have been saying the same thing about LCM – how horrible he made things. I even went to the Advanced Class and they said it as well. It didn’t make any sense to me at all. It sounded like they were just making him out to be a fall-guy for all of their failings. All I knew what the ministry had always sucked and if it weren’t for the world being rightly divided (roflicopter!) that I would have left it much sooner. So anyways… About a month or so ago… I found I couldn’t believe in God anymore. I was always told that he was wonderful and whatnot. If bad things happened it was because of our believing. So I’ve been believing and believing and believing baby… but nothing good ever came of it. I kept persecuting myself for not believing enough. Then I realized… wait a moment. When I was very young, I believed in God completely and when I prayed for things to get better (I dunno… maybe to get put into a decent fellowship were the coordinator wasn’t grabbing my arm and leaving a mark?) So if he allowed such horrible things to happen to me in his own ministry (lol) when I was young and innocent that there was no way he could exist for me. Some think this is a silly reason – but whatever. I told my friends and family about it in as loving of a way as I could – and that they could still talk about God with me. It’s not really a big deal for someone to talk about God – after all… I’ve been doing it my whole life. My mother cried. My brother shrugged. My friend still in twi had something of a violent reaction – I don’t think she saw it coming so I think it upset her. We talked about it and we’re still friends – she was just upset that the things I learned in twi made me come to this conclusion. Then I talked to my cousin which was so wonderful because she too had lots of problems with twi. She mentioned The Way being a cult. I sort of sat there for a second with a dumb expression on my face: “say what?” although I believed her almost instantly. (We were always taught it wasn’t). She directed me here and it’s been crazy ever since. I’ve been checking out the articles and posts and wanting to vomit for the things I’ve seen in general. But it is good. I’ve actually been able to feel for the past few weeks. Sound weird? I’ve stored all of my thoughts – everything that was ever done to me was totally deserved. Forgive and forget? But what happens when they never asked for forgiveness in the first place? So I just tried to forget instead. I’ve been so angry. I feel incredibly betrayed. But it’s still good. Instead of ignoring how I felt suddenly I realized it was okay to feel that way. I shouldn’t feel guilty. I was also a little embarrassed about posting something. I was worried I might sound whiney or something. But I guess if someone can be so brave and come forward and tell the world that someone raped or molested them then I can come forward and tell them how they abused me. I also feel lucky. I was never sexually abused and I’ve never had to see a friend die. My parents also didn’t neglect me to the degree some parents had – only with twi. I am so grateful for that. Things could have been so much worse for me. But It hurts to see others had to go through such things. This is kind of corny but I wanted to think all those who came forward with your stories – it’s made it easier to share my own. You are so brave. Even if some people don’t - I believe you.

More twi speak: Intead of Christmas it was "Ho-Ho" WTF? Because we didn't believe Christ was born on that day or whatever. I remember we had "twig" when I was younger. Then it was turned to "fellowship" later. Both sounded equally as stupid. I couldn't call it "my church" I couldn't call it "my religion" which I knew made me look like an idiot when I tried to explain it. We had a "fellowship coordinator" instead of a priest. Still much more but I can't seem to think of all of them at once hehe. Tell me about it! Sometimes I get nervous about how I sound and I'll ask if what I said just made sense (to whoever I'm talking to at the time). I've been in twi my whole life so I'm not sure sometimes if my expressions are real or not. I am starting to use normal words a lot more. Like I'll tell people when "Went to church" or "The priest said this" Although even today it sounds weird coming out of my mouth.

I was thinking almost the same thing LKH was, but maybe I'm wrong? Just so I can understand - how were they (the women) partly responsible? Maybe if I had an example it would help me understand your point of view better.

My goodness - my parents were way Corps too and I swear to you while I was reading your story... parts were like reading pages out of my own freakin' diary! I also hated that whole smile more thing - I mean seriously wtf? I always felt like a posable doll or something.

My leftover twi speak: You have to use the word "make" instead of "create" you also can't use the word "creative" because no one can create anything but God. Do you know how difficult that made writing papers? I was an art student! Anything that was unwayish or magical was a "dog whistle for the devil spirits" - this included crosses, any sort representation of a person like Buddha (even though having a bronze vp statue is totally acceptable) and it went on to freaking unicorns. I know there are many more - but I can't think of them off the top of my head.

Aww thanks Belle! <3 I would love a cup. Do we have digital pie here as well? Mixed berry is my favorite.

How horrible Waysider. =( I can't even imagine going through something like that. *hug hug* Or acknowledge it but make excuses? He sounds like a troll (or a bit like my father - ha!) He doesn't either care or believe what I say either because vp is the best person in the universe as far as he's concerned. I got that troll impression from my lurking but I know there is no way I could know everything. Or do I have it wrong? Is om usually helpful and nice when VP isn't the subject? (I hate being so new even though I've been digging around a bit).

Hey Waysider and thank you! It's great to be here. Mr. Ham welcomed me too. <3

I dunno, at least the vampires are pretty honest about wanting to destroy your soul and turning into one of their mindless undead minions. XP You might be walking by the "five senses" if... You don't see why it's a problem to have a cool Neko-chan statue or Buddha statue in your house. Did anyone ever hear the phrase: "these things are dogwhistles for devil spirts!" They liked to use that on everything they didn't promote. Because if we were out buying cool stuff we weren't putting it into our tithes or buying it from their stores it must be evil. How dare we?! (sort of likes your Mr. Ham) You might be walking by the "five senses" if... You don't think that your car broke down because you were "out of fellowship" with your brother while driving down the road. Can we say old piece of junk we were forced to buy because we could have gone in debt? The only thing that makes me feel halfway sane is that I didn't buy that junk even though I had JUST finished the Advanced Class at the time. You might be walking by the "five senses" if... You got to shake hands with the wog (yes wog) at one of the classes and thought it was no big deal.

That is just horrible. :o But I have heard of this - the scum always manages to get to the top. I find that a lot of things happened in the secular world that happened in twi. People are people and you get good and bad ones. But what I disliked most about twi was their bad attributes were always backed up by twisting the Bible to fit their needs and excuse their behaivors.