ChattyKathy

I have no idea. :huh:

You have offered such wisdom and concern for me in private for years now and I felt this one needed to be out in the open because I know I'm not unique and there are others that can learn as well. (((you)))

Since it is known I don't frequent this forum sorry if I killed your thread my friend. Y'all can have it back now........

It would be a scary place to live in (the world) if He weren't in it with me.

Ala, You must not be around or you'd be saying something about these additions.

For some reason God gave me an inner strength to pull myself out of the worse of fires and He still tells me little things just so I won't have to fret about them when I least expect it. Like this morning I decided to run to McDonalds as a treat for their "healthy" breakfast :wacko: and since I had gone to church last night I wasn't going this morning and just thought it sounded good. I went to pull out of the parking lot and I had this feeling to look in my bag and sure enough they hadn't put my complete order in there. I never check that stuff cause even though I may want the food I just don't reckon it be important enough to do. I know some scoff at that "wee small voice" thing but there would be no reason for me to suddenly stop and check my bag. It made my heart smile to think that God cared enough for me to let me know there was food missing. When those things happen or someone approaches me and tells me what something I did means to them which includes posters here openly and privately it makes me feel I'm not just used merchandise. I love me more now than I ever have before but that gets tackled at times and I do regret I can't keep that a reality inside me 100% of the time and am working on it. If I had the perfect setting to be able to act out the things I think would be best for me it would be easier to accomplish all this but I have to work with handicaps. And I know we all have our personal handicaps in varying degrees. When I told my mother all the things my life has seen when I was down there this past Christmas it was nearly too much for her to take in. That is part of why I need to be there now. She needs to see I am okay and I will be okay regardless. I have no idea if I said anything at all here Abi, I'm just typing and will hurry and post it before I think about it too much.

I've read this three times and left and came back. Yeah heavy duty stuff. I can tell you at this particular moment in time the pain of having been me is about as overpoweringly painful as it ever has been Abi and even though I hate this moment in time I am also encouraged by the intensity of it. I need to back away a few more minutes please. I just didn't want you to wonder the impact it had on me. This man coming here has certainly made an imprint on me. One that if I am honest will be life giving rather than life sucking.

Religious appearances versus being a Christian. :)

Jonny, I'm so sorry your family had to suffer that even if not as bad as it could have been. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Abi, I only brought parts of your post here but I wanted to tell you what I've been thinking of since you PM'd me. That point about it being survival instinct for the abuser to blame the victim is pretty dang eye opening for me and through my therapy I never heard that or if I did I wasn't ready to hear it. I did learn that accepting some of the blame did give me some sense of having control in the situation though and do know this to be true but must have lapses into my old groves of thinking. And no, I would never have allowed the dance to continue as an adult (after the initial rape) had I not felt I deserved and was apparently just meant to serve in that capacity since it had always been with me (well since a little thing, so it seemed like always). Part of being used and abused in a sexual way is clouded with personal desires and that one is probably too bold to have just said but I wanted to add it for consideration of others that might be sorting thru things in their own lives. But no doubt had I not been introduced to sex at not much older than a toddler I would have a different world in this area of my life.

I'm gonna have to try and come up with another one of those, that was fun. :)

I want to give this my time but have not yet, but will, thank you in advance Full Circle.

I got a loose fire wire. Leave it to you to post something to make me cover over here.

Refreshing views on that stuff Mark. Thank you.

Free, No because her little girl had told me when her father had said "time to go to bed" and I saw her little body stiffen up as he walked past her that "daddy tickles me and I don't like it". It was within days of that I watched her baby brother and spoke up to the mother. I should have done it when the little girl said what she did but I kept wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt because I had known him for years and never in my wildest imaginations would have thought he would do something like that to his children. Good point though, very good point. Abi, Thank you! (now I must be away again as much as I'd rather stay here with y'all)

(((((you))))) I'm so sorry.

Thank you and I don't share that for the attention but for the understanding of anyone that may wish to read me and think it through. I guess that is why I get so angry at times here because I understand my intentions and not always understand everyone else's. Then I go into shame I could have hurt someone in my need to stop the presses at times. No doubt all due to who and what I have been through.

Ducky, :wub:

They look very much alike I agree. So you still have it dude. :D

(I'm talking to my nephew overseas also so delays are for this reason) You have a good understanding of this subject as best I can see and I do know that even if a drunk gives up the booze they will remain a dry drunk if they don't understand what drove them to hide behind the booze in the first place.

This was why I posted my disappointment in the beginning because I wanted to engage in a way that I could understand from a real person rather than stats why I was chosen as a baby to abuse and why I was chosen again as an adult. I already know what I think I understand and in my case I was a bastard child born from a rape and thus my grandpa didn't consider me his blood so why not use me for his sexual needs for 5 years of my life, after all I was damaged goods at birth and he had a witch wife that never put out so why not let me service him. I say that in anger and disgust because he was a sick f%$& and that's the bottom line! And as an adult it was obvious I was over the top in personal desires so why not take advantage of me for his personal needs since I was already screwed up and trying to do my best but had proven I could be controlled so why not just continue to use me for the service I had been imprisoned in before. I say that in anger and disgust because again he was a sick f@*+ and that's the bottom line! But I wanted to engage with a person that could not reach out and touch me but who I thought could help me see into his sickness of soul and mind so that I could understand because try as I might there is still a part of inside me that needs to know. I've been told and do believe it was not my fault and I did not bring it on me but I wanted more understanding. Simple as that! And this has nothing to do with my realizing boundaries if that makes sense.

Mark, Please come to 'tacks! We need you.

George Hamilton isn't in that group cutie pie. ;) Here's the details: Robert Redford - Ordinary People (1980) Warren Beatty - Reds (1981) Kevin Costner - Dances With Wolves (1991) Mel Gibson - Braveheart (1995) Clint Eastwood - Million Dollar Baby (2004)

You are so close that it's yours dude. They directed and acted both in a movie that didn't win them an oscar for acting but for directing.

I use to think it was wrong to keep repeating you were an alcoholic thinking it kept you in the soup rather than aided you but I have learned it is not keeping yourself there but remembering you had a reason to be one in the first place and that reason didn't go away never to return again. One has to remember where they came from in some instances so not to return there.