ChattyKathy

Listen real closely to the ending of the link and see what you hear, if you can identify the sound or even something close to it that will help you maybe.

This part of it was almost too much for me. And it must have revealed itself because you posted and two people from this thread just emailed me their similar support and earlier one of you PM'd your support from silence for your own reasons. I love you people.

What a delight to see you here. It tickles me to see others post here because it feels like a real cafe within the cafe to me here. Actually I have a memory of certain times I've noticed. And I think it must have been things my family or dad particular watched and I may not have been in the room all the time so I could hear the music. And some I remember like this last one Sudo did because I loved it so much and the music theme was part of it for me. But other times I'm clueless and it ends up I watched the show, so much for my explanation then.

This and Nostalgia are my sweet escape from the seriousness of that thread you speak of. Thank you for your concern and wishes as well.

It's a CD called Albert King with Stevie Ray Vaughan: In Session. It has some excellent stuff including Blues at Sunrise and Call It Stormy Monday. But this stuff isn't short. Blues at Sunrise is 15 minutes long and keeps you grooving every second of the way.

That television show was like a religious experience. We planned our lives around it. I loved it!

I would delete it now but it's been long enough I imagine it's been read some. I enjoyed my meal and hubby's company and thought I'd be brave and try a drink but I knew the last few times I'd tried it'd been a mistake. Still I wouldn't accept I couldn't have a drink so got my tequila in margarita form of course. It tasted wonderful but half way through I knew best to stop. By the time we had gotten in the car though I barely made it home to lose the tequila and also that wonderful meal. That one was tough and still is and I don't really expect a reply. And some may find that was un-necessary for me to have said. And I would hope no one thought it was boasting of my appetite. But I needed you folks that are hanging in here with me to know it can also make you need sex, not just want and think about it but have the need of it be painful. That is not a good thing all the time, in fact it can make me crazy. I call that too much focus on myself. I don't need to be distracted by me. I mean that is almost insane isn't it? It's someone talking to you that is broken. I'm so much better than I was before. And even then I was able to live my life every day even when my heart had given up the will to stand. I've always been able to wake up and make it through the next day. It can be something like what I feel that drives some of these people maybe. I'm trying to be as honest as I know how to be now, what the heck could I hide at this point. I didn't tell you this to make me look sexy, gawd forbid I would try to do such a sick thing in a thread that I am bearing my heart in. I don't know what tomorrow will bring me. It is a day at a time and always has been. My life is not roses okay. I feel defensive and I put me there. I'm sorry.

This one I'll say now because I'm leaving for awhile and it is the only way I have the courage to do it. For me it broke me becasue it made sexual release a burden because I am not normal in my needs as strange as that may sound. And that is that evil man's fault! And for that I would love to beat him till he can't stand up but he's freaking dead! I'm leaving now and that is good because I can't come back and delete this text that way.

I don't know what was on during it but I bet it was a western or cop show. I'm going out to eat now at my favoirte Mexican place for my birthday meal. Yum Yum!

Well I'm not too sure about my birthday anymore. :blink: I mean one year a war started on it. And now I seem to be doing something that last week I wouldn't have believed if you told me I'd be doing it now. I had no idea I would do what I did this birthday (or there abouts). Y'all are wonderful to wish me a good day as you have. I do adore this place. :wub:

I never would have spoken it. At first I was overcome with some form of shock. I recall wetting the bed that night and I never wet the bed. I had to have been naive about everything going on inside of me and I only had so much life I could pull from. And I couldn't reason at 4 like I can now. I felt like the whole world knew I let him do that scary thing to me and it must have been me that caused it because every time he got me safely alone with him and do what he did to me he'd get real scary before he got quiet and that scared me bad. I didn't know what was going on with HIS body, how could I! Man this is freaking hard even now because I find myself thinking oh no! what if I say something that will make them think less of me. He told me I was special and I could make him feel good. And that was a good thing for him to feel good. Didn't I like to feel good he would ask me? He was tender and loving. All the things I wanted from my daddy but never felt. He made plans in his respectable world that included me satisfying his sexual needs from age 4 until at 9 when I knew things were going to change seriously with what he would do to me and I found the courage to stop him. He was evil! You feel different. In your head you aren't like everyone else. And tell me honestly those of you who have seen me or even my picture on the Nostalgia thread as a young mother, do you see something telling in my eyes? If they could tell you all that I know but I can't and you know that. You can feel so alone while standing in a crowded room. I had nightmares for years of someone getting me while in the room full of people and no one would notice it. When no one can save you because you can't tell them you learn to figure out how to live the next day. I guess even at 4 I had enough something inside to be able to wake and live the next day not knowing if he would have to stop by because he recalled an errand and wouldn't it be nice if little Kathy went along. And oh yes my mother handing me over to him thinking how wonderful he cares for her when I know my husband struggles to even speak to her. My mother not knowing that as he smiled out the window at her his hand was already inside my panties. Evil son of a b1tch. This took me longer than I will tell you, it would embarrass me. That's all I have right now.

I am so anal. I didn't clean yesterday and I swear I need the house to be clean and orderly. :blink: But in the course of cleaning I received a call from my son and my mother so that was great. And later on we're going to my favorite Mexican place...yum yum!

Abi, thank you and if I could take your memories and what pain remains away I would. So many of us lived through this h3ll. My gawd. If I delay in reply I am cleaning my house. :( (oops missed the l in lived)

It's about worn me out also.

Shell, Thank you for that. I thought I'd been selfish in making it about me but I was lost in my world in that. Thank you for the hand that led me back out of wrong thinking of myself. Maybe for me not having much of a life where I could run into the arms of a favorite uncle because try as I might they all were potential bad people so much more than I wish it had been. The regrets for loss of joy...I yearn till it feels as if fire is consuming my insides. But I have still had great joy in my life. Sweet moments of life better than imagined. And today is very difficult for me yes. But it is also freeing for me and that means tomorrow will be better and the next day yet. Not void of pain or even fresh injury. But better because I would be better and everything can be done with more strength then. Thank you for helping me not be selfish in thinking I had been selfish. Dang the circles around here are making me dizzy a little. heehee

This just seemed like a Sunday sort of thing and this thread was the best place to do it I reckon. These are quick conversations between Albert King and Stevie Ray Vaughan with one exception and that is link #2 which is Pride and Joy by King and Vaughn. All are wav files. Enjoy! HERE HERE HERE HERE HERE

I know what you're saying about justice done for a child molester (not just me). But I can't kill him. And I will not say to you or anyone else you're wrong but I just can't kill him (well in theory since he is dead). I agree how fortunate that we can't understand how a child could stir in you things that would make you want to take their innocence away so you could get your freaking rocks off! I mean there are countless ways of sexual release...WTF!!!!! Rape scenes, yes. I'm so thankful you have the opportunity to restore yourself as well your relationships with your brothers. How wonderful for your family as well. (I do regret I made this thread about me)

I am very thankful you said this Abi because it does take some pressure off of me thinking I failed to acknowledge her possible weakness. How bizarre that little circle was wasn't it! Once the initial horror of the encounters became a lesser horror I began to enjoy it. I was guilt ridden to the point I can't describe, in fact to type these words is making me scream inside it was so freaking destructive this guilt I held.

Before I read any further I had to stop and thank you for this post. Being a person with self worth issues (again that is no surprise to anyone that has read me) your words are incredibly touching.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I love that picture! And you guys are right on! Gentle Ben it was. Thanks for the Birthday wishes here also cause as you said SaintGeorge this is the place I hang out at.

Oh my! How precious you all are. :wub:

Another clue! :) Moon Girl, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Bowtwi, your life had horrors in it and then for your mother to take that action only added to your h3ll no doubt. And yes I admit if I knew the person was dead and couldn't hurt me anymore that could cause a form of safety in my thinking. But I can speak this way because he is dead. So what of the someone that hurt me that is not dead would I feel safer if he were? I already climbed that Mt Everest so maybe I can't use this example but when I've considered him dead it saddened me. I just don't know how to explain that. But if he were dead because of his actions towards me alone I could not live with that. I don't know how to explain it better. And perhaps it ties to guilt not yet reckoned with. Thank you for what you said about my mother. I love her so much. And for the words you used to describe me. This has been hard on us all but you have horrors as part of your growing up that made me cry as I read your post and I knew that information before, still it hurts me so deeply to think of what you went through. Man oh man what someone else can do to another person's life when they are the stronger of the two.

I've been delivered beyond description of things that have happened in my life. Yet I knew some still remained that I would not let go of. Life had been lived sufficiently enough not to change it. Well the day of personal reckoning arrived along with the timing of this thread. And I wrestled with the openness knowing it reveals me and not that I'm a stranger here in that regard but this is not easy to lay before anyone who desires to read it. Linda and Shell I love you both for your comfort towards me. Shell thank you for your words and as vivid as they were they didn't touch my real ones sweet girl so you didn't hurt me in so doing. Perhaps you shocked some folks into seeing if it gendered something in them. And I don't mean the folks of this board. I mean the ones on the outside that read us for whatever reason. If that got them hot then they would fit into the category of seeking help if available. I lied in part earlier. I said my mother didn't know to even look for something in a 4 year old. But when I was 5 she found me doing things a 5 year old shouldn't do to their bodies and she scolded me. Was that sufficient oversight? Please don't answer me because I know the answer but her life was altered the moment I was conceived and she was different also. I love her with all that I am. I had no father to love me and a monster to control me. She was my refuge. I know the answer to my question but I can't bear to see anyone of you say it please I beg of you. I don't know how to say this but to simply say it and in so doing it may make sense to someone else. And this is so freaking hard to do. When you learn what sexual pleasure feels like as a child it speeds up the process a lifetime. It can make it be a problem for you as odd as that may sound. So take that and put an added mentality of perversion into it and I don't know. I go back to what I said I can't get there. I must rest. This is beating the crap out of me. Good night.

And forget about our children's innocence...that's a freaking joke.....we have to teach them this crap so they know if it happens it's not them that caused it and to seek help....makes you wonder if you just willingly raped their minds....but what the h3ll options have we?....lock our children away from the world so then they become broken for that as well....I'm having a really rough spot of this and should have not posted probably.