I’ve been posting at GSC for about 18 months now, and have been reflecting on what it has meant to me. My core beliefs about things spiritual, ethical, and moral are still the same. What I have gained is an insight into how and why different posters have come to the myriad of spiritual beliefs due to their time in both twi and the GSC. The reconciliations I have worked through have yielded a greater peace and confidence in my heart regarding my own beliefs, and an ability to comprehend very divergent beliefs from mine without a need to defend my own or feel threatened by theirs. It has brought more peace, understanding, and tolerance into my home.
Opinions of mine that have changed have come via reconciling the huge variances in experiences people underwent during their tenure with twi. And seeing that because of those experiences, they have come out on the other end with beliefs that fall along a very lengthy continuum. Where we land on that continuum is unique and personal to each of us. It is a culmination of a multitude of variables against which we weighed information and how we worked through the reconciliation process. There’s no “right” place to land on the continuum, there are merely landing sites that suit us at this particular time. And after further examination of additional information, our place on the continuum may continue to shift.
One particular matter I had trouble understanding was how and why people “surrendered” to the twi organization. The more I read, the more I see that it was a very gradual process and was probably imperceptible to, or suppressed by duress by, those who underwent it. Although I heard the threats of “if you leave the household (meaning twi), you will walk away from the protection of God, and your life will be ruined and/or destroyed”, and the like, I never bought into them. They went straight into the circular filing cabinet under “Bull Crap”, never even going through the “abeyance” filter. But why? It’s certainly not because I’m such a smart cookie (because I am not!). It must be because I am as stubborn as a mule when people try to send me on a guilt trip.
I can think of two, maybe three, guilt trips I bought into temporarily. And after that, I had reached my fill, and refused to go on anymore. The last one was not the worst one, but it sticks out in my mind because it is the one where I drew my line in the sand and said “Never again, no more.” I’ll give you the highlights here.
I come from a close-knit family, and one of our special times together each year was a week at the beach. One year, I learned that the Limb TC Advance would take place at the same time as my family vacation at the beach. I announced at the TC fellowship that I would be unable to attend due to the conflict. After the fellowship, my BC confronted me on this and questioned my commitment to God (I’m sure that sounds all too familiar!). Since I had accepted the responsibility to co-ordinate a fellowship, I had an obligation to be at this Advance. Not to attend was to put my earthly family above my commitment to God. I really struggled with that, and by the end of the confrontation had “surrendered” and agreed to go to the Advance. I regretted my decision from the moment I made it and really battled with it in my mind for quite a while afterwards. By the time the Advance came around I was at peace with myself. I realized I had allowed myself to be manipulated and coerced, had seen how it happened, and vowed I would do my best to never let it happen again. I rode there with my BC and told him that although I was looking forward to the Advance and knew it would be a beneficial weekend, I did not believe that it was where I was supposed to be. I should be on vacation with my family. Being a TC was only a portion of my life. I had the opportunity to be involved with twi every day of my life, but I only had a few opportunities to be with my family. And, imo, choosing to be with my family was as much as godly decision as choosing to be at a TC Advance. If he felt that my effectiveness and ability to co-ordinate a fellowship would be hampered by that opinion, then I would gladly relinquish the job to someone else. A short discussion ensued, I really don’t remember what was said, except that he disagreed with me, but understood that I was solid in my belief.
I never went WOW or entered the Corps program (was supposed to go into the 12th or 13th, but an auto accident and ensuing law suit saved me from that). But I can see now that if I had, I would have either had a very short tenure, or felt forced to swallow much of my independent thinking, and little by little “surrendered” to the organization. I’m sure I would have swallowed some early on, after earning and saving all the tuition money, and making the additional investments of time, effort, and energy. I’m thankful I never put myself between that rock and a hard place, and have great admiration for all of you who found yourselves in that position, and have survived and gone on to live full, successful lives.
Seems like once the first a guilt trip is bought into, it gets gradually less difficult to buy into the next one, until finally the guilt has enslaved us and turned to fear. We buy the guilt as truth and are fearful because we are unable to reconcile the great gulf between our inner gut feelings and what we’ve come to believe is truth.
The first incongruency I had to tackle here at GSC was the public and “inner sanctum” personna’s of VPW. I had been aware of the sexcapades of twi leadership since my early twi days, but was under the impression it was all consensual, not forced. I had questioned the growing of the bureaucracy, and the big stink over why all the money had to be sent to hq versus staying in the field with no accountability due to the “abundant sharers”, but always chalked it up to probably being related to the IRS non-profit status. I had heard rumors about the plagiarism, but had remembered VPW often saying he had learned things from other sources, and had even been shown the sources where he took some information from during classes, study sessions, etc., so never felt he was “hiding” anything. All of those opinions have changed dramatically.
I despise the evil in the man, but am thankful he made PFAL available to me. My vision of him can no longer be limited to his public persona of the kind, grandfatherly teacher who wanted only the best for us, and whose primary desire in life was to teach us how to understand the Bible and how to apply it daily to our lives, as well as how to tap into the power of the holy spirit and make it a living reality in our lives. That vision perished with the knowledge of his other self(ves). I once loved his public persona; now I love only the truth he taught and the man he knew to be. I do believe that he loved God, and that his love for God shaped the image of the man he knew to be. That same image forced him to realize and admit he fell far short of mark in becoming that man. The man he knew to be, and strived to be in his public persona, is the part of VPW I continue to have compassion and tenderness toward, because I believe God worked through that part of him to teach the truths of the Bible he knew. To paraphrase ExWayCorp in the “A Few Big Things I Learned Taking PFAL, Do you still believe them?” thread, the teacher is not what I cherish, but rather the subject matter.
Had there not been twi, would I have found the truth that set me free? Probably so. God will reach us and teach us by any means available. Would I have the enjoyed the sweet and tender fellowship with the caliber and great number of “true” believers I met in twi? Probably not. To quote Socks in the “Why some people don’t get the abuse stories” thread , “When I look back to even the earliest years I was in the Way, I see there were good people throughout, faith, good times, hard work. When you have that kind of environment, good can come out of it. The fact that VP pi$$ed his part away doesn't mean the Party stopped. It was going on around him all the time.” And DotMatrix in “Adultery versus Soul Stealing”, I got delivered from the word in the class despite the man who taught it.” Shazdancer adds another gem of understanding with, “I like what you said about God reaching out to people no matter what organization they are in. Then can we say that we are thankful for that corrupt organization, or thankful for God? I am thankful for many people who belonged to TWI who helped me. I am thankful for many people who never heard of TWI who helped me, too.”
I have never believed that everything taught in PFAL was “God’s honest truth”. I always viewed it as having many gems of truth, but being a research project in the “work in progress” state. A starting place to begin my own study, research, and understanding of the Bible. My thoughts on VPW’s PFAL are well summed up in one of my first posts here, “He (VPW) died, but the truth he taught never will.”
It will be interesting to see where I am 18 months from now.
Suda (sure that her astrological sign should be a mule, not a bull)
