topoftheworld

Love to-do you mind if I wait until after the Indy race on Monday? (See my Indy post.) Don't want to cause any bad karma. P.S. I've been out a little, Raf-just stuck out my toe a time or two-but I guess the coffee pot was unplugged. Love your posts-and wisdom.

My company has not one but two cars running in the Indy on Sunday, driven by the A.J. Foyt grandkids. We are all very proud of this participation, especially of the distinctive red, white, and blue cars (#14 and #41.) Those have been the company's colors since day one in '82, and it's a great morale booster for everyone to see the cars. A.J. seems to have taken a liking to the company owner, and you may spot him wearing our logo on his cap. Row 10-Toyota engines, so probably not much of a showing, but it'll be great to see them! Happy Memorial Day to all-and remember those who sacrificed for all of us.

Thanks, Cool-made me smile after a tough day! Nothing silly about bringing a smile to someone. Keep it up!

Clearwater-do you have the second Pressed Down album? I don't remember the title-but I believe it included "Like an Eagle", and it was white (ala the Beatles).

I knew Steve & Bev when we were in California, right when the album was released. You may remember they were standing together on the cover, with Bev's arm draped over Steve's shoulder. When the cover came out, she was so embarrased because she thought people would think she was showing off her wedding ring, which was right out front! I too would love a copy, if anyone has one-just for the smiles.

It's possible that some of the 10th may remember a Sunday Night service in Emporia. I can't for the life of me remember what Craig was teaching-but one phrase stood out-and yes, he really did say this: "My greatest fear is that devil spirits will take over my vocal chords". I guess believing does equal receiving, huh?

For the first six months after leaving, I found a job working graveyard, which I viewed as a blessing since I wasn't ready to deal with people. It was a very lonely time, with almost no human contact, but it helped me to ease back into "society". It still took years before I made a friend I felt I could trust. I found I had no problems dealing with people and situations related to my work life, but personal contacts-not so much. I could never explain to people why I was so reclusive (still thinking of everyone as heathens, for one-I got over that eventually). I'm better now, but still tend to be selective and very cautious about who I socialize with. The people I did finally choose to be around showed me a lot about what I have missed by shutting myself off, but even they, after all these years, have no idea about how I spent ten years of my life-I just can't possibly explain to them!

Welcome, CM A few short month's to the big 50 myself-but I look good! However-I've noticed a few things like- When the commercials come on that say "If you were born between the ages of"-and I stop to listen. When I actually read the mail from AARP instead of throwing it away. When I complete the survey-you know the one to calculate how much you will need to retire on? When I wonder how I will look in the Walmart greeter tunic. Please!! All I want to do is go back to age of figuring out how to get into a Grateful Dead concert- -->

Welcome, CM A few short month's to the big 50 myself-

Examples of "TWI" daily thought intrusions- Having no desire to participate in a job review (too much like "evaluations"). Still anally lining up chairs, pads, and pencils for a meeting-and not understanding people who don't. Every time I misspell the word "receive" (purchasing and receiving is part of my job). The habit of checking to see if "it floats" (God bless Grace Bliss). Hi, Jonny-sorry for the interupt. You're right-part of the experience has resulted in our behaving with others in a manner much different than we did while in the household-rather ironic, when you think about it.

So here I am, posting for the first time-to an honest question that deserves an honest answer. Thanks, Cowgirl. Picture this: you've left TWI under less than ideal circumstances after a roller coaster ride of experiences and emotions. After growing up in an abusive home and finding yourself on your on at the age of 16, you find people who (in the beginning) are willing to love you unconditionally-and as a bonus feature, you discover a love for God you had always wanted but never knew how to find. Then, after years persuing what had become your dream, it is gone-ripped away with no prep time, and you are cold turkey alone again: battered, bruised, and filled with self-loathing for what you sincerely believe is a total failing on your part. With natural survival instincts, you carry on. Build a life, build a career, build your self esteem-but always with a nagging in back of your brain that you will never be good enough for the world or the new people around you, because YOU FAILED. You can't talk to anyone about where you were or what you were doing for ten years, because-how can you possibly explain it or expect them to understand? Then one day, you buy a computer, discover the internet, and (you couldn't help it) did a search for TWI-and discovered Greasespot. For the first time you have information. For the first time you see what has happened. For the first time, you see that YOU NOT ALONE. For the first time you begin to breath again. For the first time, you have contact with people who understand what you went through because they were there. Whether they have been out for two decades or two days, it doesn't matter. They understand. Nothing about GP will change my current life and it's path. What has changed is that haunting and, at times, crushing feeling of failure. My life did move on, but until Greasespot and the brave people who are willing to share their stories, my soul did not. I know these forums have been around for several years, but I just discovered them recently (I'm a late bloomer.) Hearing how people express themselves, for me, is not old rehash-it is still new. And maybe that's how we need to think about it. Maybe some of the old timers have heard it all before, but there will always be a new pair of eyes and a damaged soul or two looking in who will benefit. Anyway, that's my perspective, for what it's worth. I think of GP as a place to see (and maybe speak myself) about what they have experienced, since I still can't see myself telling the "live" people who are in my life. It's my safe haven. P.S.: Some of the forums have made me laugh, truly laugh, for the first time in years. I can't possibly tell you how much that means. So, thanks.