put this in your pipe and smoke it
If you are reading this, you are either an outE or you are disobeying your leadership.
Either way, good for you!
Mom, OSD, brothers.... if you are reading this, you are being very bad wayfers. Good for you!
I came across GS a few weeks ago and I have been tring and waiting for the responce to my confirmarion reponse to the response of my response.
I've been chomping at the bit to try and put my two cents in on a number of treads and look forward to doing so in the future. All of you seem to be wonderful people. Just like most of the people I knew in twi, as blind as they/we may have been.
I thought I would start by telling some of my history and why I left.
To those of you being disobiedient... you don't know this story and probably won't understand it even after I tell it. But, if you want to read it and then act as though you didn't next time I see you, go right ahead. OBviously I don't care!
I was a lifer. In twi since I was a wee lad of five years. Some ladies came to our door one night and my mom was touched that God wanted us to prosper and be in health. That's a no brainer there. Who doesn't like being healthy. My bro and I have had health issues since we were born. We went to our first twig and boy that SIT thing sure was neat, and the singing was lots of fun. My mom was not overly impressed and wasn't going to go back, but smart kids that we were, we convinced her we should go back after all, it was fun. woo hoo! Sorry, Mom.
My mom married a guy in our area who was quite a bit younger than her after only one date and of course that sit down about "what are your goals?" " Oh, me too!". This was only after our local area BC said "you know, I could see you two getin' married someday." What a prophet. Still the marriage actually turned out alright. Although, there were some very, very, rough times.
They were married in the spring of 82, I think, and that ROA we all went out WOW. That year was huge for the WOW program. I think there were more WOWs that year than there are current wayfers today. That year was hell for us young-ins. We lived with a lady and her psycho son who would torment my brother and I night and day. He kicked our arses most of the year untill we stood up against him together. Anyone remember seeing the full on biker grandma and grandpa at the Rock. It was her and her son. (pre-biker guy). No offence biker grandma. You know I love you guys and I'm glad you?re out, hope you stay that way. And I hope your son got help or is in jail or something. It was a long time ago, I know, I'm sure he became a fine upstanding citezen.
After our WOW year, where we grew 10 years in one. HA! Remember that one. "Holy cow I get to be a mini-WOW, jeepers crow I know I'm gonna grow, Golly gee I'll get to be the best that I can be as I manifest the Christ in me" and get the ****e kicked out of meeeeeee!!! Thank you thank you, please be seated. If you never heard that one it is an oldy but goody and I know you?re laughin', don't deny it. That was a little bit of the BS brain washing us kids got in that little tent next to the Big Top, the Children's Fellowship Tent. You know the little top. Ahhh, those were good times.
Any who, we went back down to our favorite marital prophet who was now in a different city. Of COURSE we went because he asked us to... and my folks got to be twig coordinators!
Oh, did I mention I got another brother on the WOW field. Yea, we were in this field and WOW! we looked down and there was this baby. It was like Moses without the river and the basket and the...
Actually, it was a honeymoon baby, go figure. Sorry, I have a strange sense of humor and it is late on Christmas eve and I am the only one stirring and all that.
So we were back with the prophet and it was to be our interim year. Is that right? Who cares. The folks were on the fast track to leadership. But that first year we were denied. The next year though, they accepted us. Thank you God. We were tenacious little wayfers.
Driving up to the Indiana Campus was quite a deal for a ten year old. It was big and impressive. The thought of living there for two years? No big deal, after all we had moved every year for the past three years and sometimes more than once in the same city in the same year. I was fully prepared to move every block for the next two years.
Boy this is long. I'm sorry.
At this time I would like to give a shout out to any of my F11 F12 and F13 peeps. Whatever that means. Joel Burke, if you?re out there. It has been a long time, my friend. He was one of those annoying people at the ROA who for a couple of years brought his skateboard ramp, and I was one of the annoying kids that would try and jump off it with him. Sorry if we scared anyone out there. We were just having fun and we knew what we were doing (trying to kill ourselves). And thank you Bless Patrol for always blessing us. quote: "Love ya, bless ya, GO HOME!"
This was all still back when it was fun to be in the ministry, at least as a kid.
My P's still were tenacious as ever while in F12. In fact, I'm sure those of you in preceding FC may have heard stories of them. They had a hard time getting their tuition in on time. Several times. But they never gave up. I believe at one point W& F C___p basically told them to pack their bags and hit the road. My mom told them that "they were going to have to pack them for her and drag their *** out out to the parking lot before they were going to leave." She's a tough lady. We always had trouble getting on top of the finances. Wasn't because they had debt (other that the tuition they owed). Funny. The C___p's, some of the greatest people I've met ( I may be wrong) He is one of the most tender, genuine guys around. At least he was at that time. I know they're out. That is great. The best to their family.
Our last year in residence was when the POP hit the fan. We were sent to FL and the OSD went to the ROA (I like that) to see if LCM was still OK. (I really like that). He decided the ministry was still the place to be and we stayed in FL for 7 years (I stayed 7 they stayed 8).
Those 7 years were OK. I was still gung ho, I even had my friends saying " I know, I know, what does the Word say." I took VPW's Adv. Cl. in 93' before I ran off to college, just like a good little wayfer should. Look in your Way Mag for the summer of that year and see a pic. of the teens in that class and see me, the only one not smiling. In fact, most group innie pics I'm in I'm not smiling. I tried to smile and was smiling just never that split second when they took the picture. Now that I'm out, I got married to a wonderful sweetie and in our wedding photos the only ones not smiling (in the un-posed shots) are my innie parents. Picture says a thousand words.
I went a thousand miles from home to art school, where I was met by a welcoming group of wayfers who treated me like one of their own children. They are still genuine people. (what ever that means). It was a tough year in school though, new ideas and a school full of kids who had been burned by christianity and wanted nothing to with anything that sounded christian. A lot went on that year.
The following ROA was when LCM went nuts (no pun intended) about homosexuals. My older brother was now in residence and my P's and younger bro were going to go WOW that year, again. Of course, it was cancelled that year and IMO this is the year "control" came out of the closet. My parents were still corp and needed someplace to go.
Funny story. We are in the corp relo tent or something and we are discussing with the Rev. Ander___ on where they can go. It came down to either Dallas, TX as BC as they were before in FL or twig coor. in the town I was now in. The rev was our elder corps while we were in residence . So we were down. Well he goes to talk things over or go abroad or something and it was taking him a while to get back with us.
Meanwhile, we are standing waiting and talking about their options when one Rev. J Rumproast came over and ask us if he could help. They told him their deal and how they couldn't decide what would be best. So, He pulls out a coin and says this "This is how we do it in the back... Heads, it?s Dallas, tails it?s B-more. He smiles as though he is kind of joking but totally serious as though he had been inspired by God to do this. It was heads! Praise the Lord! Right about the time everyone is shaking hands and saying our goodbyes to Rev. Rump the Rev. Ander-son-of-a comes walking back in. He is ....ed. He obviously saw some of what went on but insted of yelling at the rump he yells at my parents. To my suprise, my OSD (ol step dad) yells back. I was about to ****e myself. This was Ander-son-of-a--, not some snot-nosed kid. Guess who won? They didn't go to Dallas they went to try and B-more in B-more.
It was also around this time, the debt thing started getting serious, but it was ok for me because (at least for the moment), I was in school. I was mugged my second year in school by five talented young yoots. They wanted $$ I had $100 in my pocket from waiting tables, I wasn't about to give it to them.
With the five of them and a small pipe they tried to get me on the ground. My brother was much bigger than me growing up, so I could hold my own. I managed to escape with a swollen right eye, a small bump on my head, and my clothes half torn off me. I ran and got school police. We went back and they dumped the bag they ripped off me and took the rest of the cookies I had bought on the way home and my toiletry bag (I guess so they could brush their teeth).
My RA wouldn't leave me alone until I went to the hospital. I knew I was fine but I had to go use that hundred $$ to pay the ER doc to tell me so. The moral? I don't know. Don't walk alone? Don't get complacent with your comfortable familiar surroundings, maybe. Works for twi as well. I told my fellowship co but they just said don't walk alone. 2x2 even if there is only one of you.
We went through LCs like dirty underwear and I'm sure if it were one of the later ones my arse would have been hurting. The following years brought M&A to another level and eventually to a personal level. My parents were put on probation and I was told as were they not to contact each other. That morning I got that call and I cried all morning but I knew they would come back.
After a number of months and a new LC they did. The new LC were great, smart, funny, strong, but friendly. This was when the corps all went full time. This couple were told to quit their multi million dollar Ohio chiropractic business and go full time for the minisrty. They would talk about how it was the greatest decision they ever made and about putting your hand to the plow and when you vow a vow and yadda yadda yadda. They left the ministry.
Apparently, one Rico Suave had a problem with how they spent their money. I think I heard that they went back in and then out again. It is to be hoped, they are still out. They had a big impact on me. How could they go back on their vow like that? That is when I stopped answering the question "when are you going in the corp like your brother" with a "as soon as I pay off my school loans".
Of course, many people said, "School loans? Why do you have school loans?? I had left school after my second year in, and around the time it was no longer ok for students to take out loans in twi. I was on a mission to pay them off no matter what.
In the meantime, a new LCM wannabe LC came in and I got mugged again (now several years later). I was on my way back from meeting a girl I had met at a singles "advance" and I was waiting in my old neighborhood for the train when a guy cam up on a bike (I knew this was not good). He wanted money, of course, and he had a kitchen knife in his pocket. He didn't want to pull it out, so he just showed me the handle and part of the blade. Then he took my pager and five dollars after he convinced me if I didn't give him something he would stab me. Not a fun experience.
Now maybe some of you have had this happen to you and you used your in the name of JC insanity and maybe it worked for you. But most people, unless you know kung fu or something, don't do what you think you would do or told yourself you would do after it happened the first time. No! you do whatever is going to keep you alive. Well, I was alive and puncture free. I was shaken up to say the least and told my mom about it once she picked me up at my train stop. We were going to see a pay per view at the BC house and she wanted me to tell her.
Now I had already been through a couple of big sit down, humiliate you confrontations and I new this would spark another. I didn't find the right time to tell her. For weeks. My parents who I was temporarily living with would remind me, but I never did. They eventually mentioned it to her or maybe I did finally I don't remember.
As I thought, we had a big confrontation with all the fellowship co. and the BC and the LC and everyone who was close to me. It was not only for me, but for my parents also. After all, they were responsible for me, even if I was 23. Obviously, the Adversary was out to kill me and I had screwed up somewhere and they had screwed up for not noticing.
My parents surprised me again by pointing the finger at each other over whose fault it was. I was told to figure out what my problem was and tell them what I was going to do about it. Yes, they were my overseers but I was an Adv. Cl grad and they sholdn't need to tell me what my problem was. I should know and I should know how to reconcile it.
Well, I was very nervous and scared that I would be M&A and that freaked me out. But, I was tenacious and I had been around for a while and knew what they wanted to hear. So that?s what I did. I would retemorize and do this and that and work on this etc. They were appeased and I went back to being an unexcited believer.
A couple days if not one day later my parents were M&A again. LCM was PMSing one day and decided all corp alumni who were not at least fellowship coordinators were outta there. This meant I needed to find a new living situation. Spirit thicker than blood BS! They came back again.
Before they came back something else happened.
An old wayfer roommate of mine was living with our old fellow**** coordinator. Turns out, he was trying not to be homo until he tried to do something with her son. She had a son who was gay and no longer in twi, and she knew this guy "used" to be gay and had him sleeping in the same room as her son, didn't help her. They got the boot with the quickness. This started another M&A spree.
Me, being his old roommate must have known or seen something! Guess again. I knew nothing. they sort of believed me but not really. We had to sit down and talk (probe and prod) three times. The last time I finally broke down and told them of an experience I had when I was around five or six when this a-hole son of my sitter made me do things to him.
Sometimes, when these things happen you ignore it and push it down so far, eventually it doesn't even seem like it happened. It seems like a dream and I had more or less forgotten about it until after sitting there being told over and over they felt I was covering somethng or not telling them something.
After I tell them this in tears, they have the gall to ask if I still fantasize about it or liked it and ask me this a couple of times. This is stuff I never even told my parents or siblings or anyone about this ever. In fact if they are being disobedient now and reading this it will be the first time the've heard of it. It is not exactly a happy topic. And these f__ks were so happy I could tell them this and tried to be oh so comforting after they realized I really wasn't gay. I know one of these couples is out now and if you read this feel free to apologise!
Feel free to admit what a F__king bastard you were. I know you were not such an arse all the time. You had some great qualities. That night, you didn't show any of them.
Still, I was a faithful innie. Suck it up eat **** and move on to another pile. I had certainly been thinking about whether or not I believed most of the teaching for a little while, but I knew where those thoughts came from. Ha! I always fell back on speaking in tongues. I thought that was my proof.
I started swing dancing I met a few people and hung out with them a lot. There were no twenty something wayfers in our Limb or any where to close by. At this point, I was living with my fellow**** coordinator and working for another felow**** coordinator and my parents had bounced back and were the third coordinators in our Branch.
My roomy thought I was spending too much time with these people. He told me a number of times to stop spending so much time with this or that person. If they didn't want the Word, move on. I think this is in Dale Carnegie's book "how to win friends and influence people", right?
Swing dancing is where I met a girl who I later became good friends with. Then, more than friends then married and now mother to our future child. Talking with her and other people helped open my eyes. I had been through all twi1 and twi2 classes and I had some problems with some of it and eventually I started questioning the foundations of it all.
Is there a God and if there is, is the Bible the Word of God just because it says it is. Basically This is what LCM says in TWC. Is the bible the Word of God? I don't know, let?s look at the Word of God and see what it says. If you took a five year old and told him to more or less make up his own language and practice it in your head everyday and out loud in meetings 2 or 3 times a week for twenty years how do you think he would do? How authentic do you think it would sound?
Now throw into the mix, this person hears others do it a couple of times a week all their life. Let?s not forget the Inter. Cl. and those practice sessions. Quiet. Louder. Faster. Now start with the letter "A". Did any of you do that? A-Z in your tounge? If I move my mouth, tongue, lips throat, etc., God gives me the words. How do I determine to start with the letter S? And if I determine what letter I start with, how am I not determining the rest of the sounds? How do I know that the tongue supposedly of men or of angels had the sound "ch"?
I thought maybe since I grew up with it maybe it was different for others. Maybe it was just second nature for me. Then I started to notice, some in fellow**** some old grads, some new grads, would say the same phrase over and over again. The only way they changed was to "practice more" or decide to have a versatile tongue. The thing I always fell back on was falling apart. Other things did as well.
I eventually decided I was going to leave, but on my terms.
Having sure close relations with all the FC in our branch I had to do it in a way which was comfortable for me. I had paid off my loans years before and was fianlly going back to school in the fall of 2001. I was going to wait for school and find a place to live on my own and a new part-time job and then slip away quietly.
This wasn't good enough. My control freak of a roommate needed to talk again. Yes, work was slipping a little and I was still spending a lot of time with unbelievers. So my roomy and my boss sat down with me.
The night before, I decided tomorrow was the day I could not put up with this **** when I was planning on leaving and didn't agree with anything they would try and say. I did this even though I was scared of losing my family and all the old wayfer friends I had and anybody that ever gave a **** about me. Not to mention, I was supposed to teach on "faithfulness" the following night! HaHa! OOOOhhh thats good stuff!
So, the next day when my boss showed up and they asked me to bring my bible. We read about being unequally yoked and fellowshipping unbelevers, then asked me if I understood what that meant. I told them I did. Then, when they asked me what I thought I should do, I said I think I should take some time off.
OOOhhhhh the back pedaling started then. They were not telling me what to do, just suggesting and we can work this out and don't be rash. Oh and why do you want to do this really? Is it the girl? I told them if that is what they thought, I would risk losing my family and everyone who cared about me, they were crazy and didn't know me very well. "Then Why?" This felt good (even though my lips were shaking as I said it) "I Don't want to talk about it and even if I did say something, it wouldn't be right in your eyes. If I want to leave the "household", Then I've obviously been decieved, so why would you trust any reason I could give you. I'd be decieved and wrong and you'd be right."
The conversation was cut short and he was on the phone with the LC, leaving me to talk work with my boss which I think was probably alot shorter than planned. Well, word traveled fast. My mom called my cell within the hour my brother later that day and the LC shortly after my mom. They all wanted to know why.
I left them with nothing. The point . They don't need to know everything and need to get used to it. But they won't, because it wouldn't matter what I said that wouldn't be what they relayed to the good folks in our fellow****. Nope they would use it to not look so bad to their overseer. They would use it as ammo and evidence to how possessed I was or how it was the spirit of slumber or lying or some BS like that. I know their game, I took part in it at times, and I'm sorry for any hurt I caused.
There were a lot of meetings after I left. I still lived with the same old roomy and while dropping off rent on his desk, I saw a question which for some reason he needed to write down because he would forget or so someone else could run with it or something. It said what do we tell our fellow**** about "(me)". He was there. He should have known what to say more than anybody but he just couldn't figure it out. One smart cookie. If you?re reading this, "HI Dumb ***!". They didn't want to look like fools so i think they just said I needed some time to work things out. They probably made it sound as though they recommended it and not me saying f off. Ya'll know how it is. Amen?
There's a lot I left out but this is already kinda long and I'm not going anywhere.
[This message was edited by lindyhopper on January 07, 2004 at 1:34.]
