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i know. reading these things now is like reading something from another world or something somebody on crack or meth was spewing while in withdrawls or maybe even overdosing. just not even close to being in touch with reality. but they were the reality i grew up in, and that's just too hard to grasp sometimes. i know that if i hadn't kept diaries that even i wouldn't believe me, and i have to bring my diaries into therapy often to go over what really happened and what didn't because when it comes to the way international, the truth of what they think and do and say is always stranger than fiction, and nobody wants to believe that people actually live like this.