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According to twi, emotions have no value.... Oh, how many horrible times I was told this lie! Told to renew my mind and control my thinking... and as a woman, it was shoved down my throat that I was supposed to be especially careful since all women are run by their emotions. And since I was "raised in the Word" from my formative years, I bought the whole thing and believed in it wholeheartedly. I turned myself into the good little sweet submissive woman they wanted. I discounted any emotion that was contrary to twi doctrine... I sold my soul to those devils. I turned my heart into a stone. I stopped caring about the people around me who cared the most for me (my family), I put them aside so that I could better serve God and His Word and His MINISTRY. What a bunch of crap. Whenever I was attacked by WC, I would just sit there silently taking the abuse. Stonefaced. Emotionless. Now that I think about it, it was probably a coping mechanism against the abuse, to make it stop faster. Because if you said anything back in argument, the abuse just got worse. I remember at one point being told that if I ever wasn't completely open and honest again with a WC minister, that I would be facing spiritual death! (This was over a mistake during set up for a class where I tried to cover my foot when I damaged a piece of posterboard.) I was so terrified of "spiritual death" (I never have quite figured out WHAT exactly spiritual death is, but it sounded like the worst possible thing I could have happen) that I sat in the back of the room with the hair on my arms standing up, shaking with literal terror.... I think about that now and I am sickened by my lack of self respect. Later that day, another believer came up to me who had overheard what had happened. He asked me if I knew what would happen to me if I left twi. He told me that I would turn to witchcraft and become a lesbian . That my mind would become a terrible affront to God. He asked me what I would do if I left... I told him that I would get my hands on a bunch of sleeping pills, drive out to the middle of nowhere where no one would find me and commit suicide to keep those things from happening to me, because I could not handle being such an affront to God. Suicide? It seemed more logical to me at the time than living outside the walls of "Zion"... I wasn't even WC. I was just a stupid 20-something girl who had cut herself off from her family (who was Mark and Avoid) so that she could serve God. And if I couldn't do that, I would kill myself. Well, I made it out with the help of my husband and my family. I am not practicing witchcraft (but I don't think there is anything wrong with Wicca) and I am not a lesbian. I am happy. I cry , I laugh, I love, I get mad sometimes and yell. I even throw fits and stomp my feet when I get mad sometimes like a little kid. I am learning to fully experience my emotions and put value on them. And I don't consider suicide any sort of logical solution for any problem, but to think of those times now makes my blood run cold. Why did I even want to be a part of something so cold, horrible, and uncaring???

I really do believe that the men involved in the conversations I mentioned above were good people - not in their actions, of course, but they were like me... they just wanted to do the right thing for God. We all just got who God was mixed up. The man who told me that I would turn into a witch and/or lesbian if I left twi looked like I had hit him in the face when I told him I would commit suicide if I ever left. I really believe that he hadn't thought what he said would really hurt someone as much as he did... and that I was so accepting of his judgement. As if I somehow deserved it. How is it that you could have abuse upon abuse piled up on you, and the whole time cling to the abuser as if your life depended upon it? It does not make sense. I had an argument recently with an innie about how they had made me feel (ostracized, looked down upon, condemned, etc) by their behavior towards me since I left twi. I was told "I never SAID that! And because I never SAID it explicitly, how could you KNOW what I am thinking? You aren't the searcher of hearts! You can't read my mind! Only God knows what is in my heart!" Yes, it is true. I cannot read your mind. But, I have learned that ACTIONS speak much louder than words. I have learned how to have empathy. I have learned how to put myself back into your bondage, and I know the pressures put on you by those around you. I see how you have been manipulated. I see how you have been deceived. Best of all, I KNOW what is in my heart. I KNOW that what is in my heart and my mind is MY OWN and not some pre-programmed BS that was spoon fed to me by an abusive system. As said before, emotions were given to us by God for a reason. Sometimes that reason is just to let us know when we are being hurt so that we can get away. By having us turn off our emotions, we were just that much easier to control. It has taken two years of therapy to get me to the point I am today - two years of therapy, and a loving, supportive husband who encourages me to just SAY what I am feeling, even if I am being b!tchy at the moment for no good reason. And OldSkool, I am right there with you! My family is so much stronger than it would have been if we had stayed in. Thank GOD my child will NEVER have to go through what I did!!

LOL Rocky I saw that and thought the same thing.