A snippet of my story

[I Love Bagpipes]

How much context do I provide for the following? Well....

About 1 year ago one of my counselors asked if I would write my health story to be included in a book, Beyond Survival: A Woman's Guide to Hope, not yet published. She asked a few of her clients this same request. She had specific topics she wanted covered...and thus the content of my story.

This story is not about TWI. However...for a little more context: I was in the 10th corps and dropped my interim year. After dropping the 10th, and after a broken love, I plunged into self destructive behaviour. All the while I felt I had to finish the Corps; it was God's calling for my life. I wrote Craig 3 times asking if I could jump again, redo my interim year, and finish that way. Three times the response was no..I had to start over. After about 9 months of the self destructive behaviour, I began my apprentice year fro the 13th Corps. I did not want to do this, but believed it was God's will. Within 6 weeks of beginning that apprentice year, my health plummetted; I had asthma for the first time in my life.

I dropped the 13th Corps my interim year again. I lived with the feeling I had let God down until sometime in 97 or 98? And still, it bugs me! What bugs me? That I didn't keep a commitment. I know, I need to move on..and I am. I didn't break my commitment to God; I broke my commitment with a program.

Anyway, the following happened in the context of what I just stated.

Do I blame TWI for these illnesses? No. Do I wonder now how many of these illnesses were catalyzed by emotional suppression practiced in TWI? Yes. And, the sense of loss I talked about on another thread? Well, the following story is tied up in that sense of loss. Okay...enough context. Here is the story.

BTW: I began writing this story while in TWI and finished about 9 months later after leaving TWI.

The purpose of writing this is do encourage hope. AND, at least one of my poems will be included in the book. :)

NOTE: I got involved in TWI when I was 18 and left when I was 46. I was a runner (5 miles a few times a week) when I develped asthma at age 21.

The Story:

There are no words to describe the utter exhaustion and depression that are

constant companions to anyone suffering with chronic illness. Oftentimes I

felt like a complete and utter failure as a mother and a person. Shame coursed

through my veins. At times I thought, "If only I had a terminal illness, I

could die." My suicide plan was foolproof with a backup system. But I

couldn't leave my children with the legacy that their mother had committed

suicide. My children were my saving grace, my reason to keep trying.

I cannot condense a lifetime of 47 years into a handful of paragraphs. But I

hope I can convey a peek into the heart of what it is like to live with mood

swings, physical illness, and the sense of hopelessness. And I hope I can

inspire hope to embrace whatever life unfolds, to keep moving, to keep

reaching.

I developed asthma at the age of 21. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at

the age of 41. Looking back, I was challenged with bipolar probably since

childhood having a history of sexual activity at a young age, mood swings, and

intense drug involvement. I pick up my story at the age of 39 because it was

around this time that I began journaling. Journaling changed my course from

death to life, from despair to hope.

At 39 years old I was married with 2 children, ages 8 & 10. I was tired, so

very tired. For the last 18 years (since I was 21) I had suffered with severe

asthma; numerous bouts of pneumonia; multiple sinus surgeries; environmental,

chemical, food, and inhalant allergies; hives, whelts, and various skin

disorders; systemic candida; depression; mood swings; chronic fatigue;

bodyaches; and a myriad of other symptoms that go with an over-

responsive/depleted immune system. I had been pumped with intravenous drugs,

swallowed or inhaled a host of pharmaceuticals (including 1000's of doses of

steroids), been pricked with needles 100's (if not 1000's) of times for

various reasons, and received a myriad of allergy antigens. Alongside with

conventional treatments, I had utilized alternative therapies including

homeopathy, oral & intravenous vitamin/mineral supplementation, strict dietary

protocols, acupuncture, herbs, bodywork, and some psychological counseling. It

felt too much to continue to try. I was caught in a sticky, mucous-coated,

stagnant, thickened, stringy web that felt like it grew in my own cells &

corpusals. I felt trapped in my own body. I craved to breathe fully. I

craved for fluid energy. I craved to run like a deer graceful & free through

the woods. I craved to move without pain. I craved feedom.

Alternative treatments had become my mainstay for recovery. Life was not

always dreary; I had stretches of hope and improvement. But the improvement

came in 1/4 inches; I wanted feet & miles. I had prayed and endeavored to

believe God for my healing clinging to the belief and knowledge that God's

absolute will for me was healing and that in Him is no darkness at all. But now

I was ready to give in; it was time to quit trying. My hope was depleted; it

was time to quit hoping. It was time to give up the dream that I could

actually get well. I would live my life on steroids & die an early death.

What else could I do?

At this point, the point that I accepted that death may be the only alternative

for release, I took my pen to paper and began to journal. I poured my heart

onto the page. I poured out my deepest feelings and yearnings. I detailed the

self loathing, the asthma attacks, the pain that racked my body, the

exhaustion, the anger, and the murky darkness of it all. I felt such deep,

deep shame and self hatred. Day after day I filled the pages. I held nothing

back. I did not censor my writings. I poured it all onto the page, including

dreams and hopes. I wrote because I had to; I did not know what else to do. I

never imagined that by putting my pen to paper, my circumstances would begin to

change....but they did in a most powerful way.

Within a few months of starting to journal I was hospitalized yet again

(October, 1998) and got connected with a doctor that discovered I was suffering

with mercury toxicity, a typical cause for immune dysfunction. Around that same

time my husband was offered a job in another city. We moved in November,

1998. In the new city I again was hospitalized in January, 1999. I was

connected with a different doctor who confirmed the mercury toxicity. That

same month I began an intense 2-year detox regimen which included oral

chelation therapy, intavenous and oral vitamin and mineral therapy, hydrocolon

therapy, low heat saunas, and coffee enemas. I continued to journal profusely

and began again to re-educate myself on healing. I began to have hope. My

doctors believed I could gain wellness. Unknown to me at that time, I suffered

my last real asthma attack in January, 1999.

After 6 months from this last asthma attack, I was able to start addressing

more definitively other symptoms. Fatigue was still great and mood swings were

exasperating. My skin continued to crawl with hives. Aches and pains surfaced

all over my body. My body was continually pushing symptoms to the surface,

desparately crying to be released. Yet I was hopeful; the asthma was gone. I

had new treatments to try. Maybe my body could get well, if I could learn

better how to listen to what it was trying to communicate to me, maybe I could

allow it to heal itself. Maybe...just maybe...

The next regimen on my agenda was a treatment known as Enzyme Potentiated

Desensitization, a complex treatment that approached the reprogramming of

miscoded T helper cells. For 1-1/2 years, every 8 weeks, I would go into

quarentine; receive a shot to penetrate the miscoded cells; and eat only

venison, tapioca flour with water, and sweet potatoes. My health improved with

EPD: a "sore spot" in my left lung that had been present since my last bout

with pneumonia cleared; some skin conditions improved; my sense of smell was

restored after 1 year; allergies and energy improved. Again I was hopeful.

Then the FDA abruptly stopped the use of EPD in the United States. My sense of

smell was stolen again and some allergy troubles resurfaced. But I remained

hopeful that other doors would open for me.

I pulled out previous books I had read on healing and reviewed them. I was led

to new books about healing and devoured them. During this time I was diagnosed

with a herniated disc, confirmed with an MRI. A friend loaned me the book,

Healing Back Pain by Dr. John Sarno. Within 6 weeks of applying what I had

read, the back spasms were 80% better; after 5 months they were completely

gone. This book prompted me to delve more deeply into the relationship between

emotions and the body, the affect of the dance between the two.

In late 2000, I began weekly psychological counseling. How many of my

illnesses/symptoms could be due to suppressed emotion? Was I honest enough to

be able to open up enough to see what really lurked in my soul? This

excavation was a tedious process at times...but more than worth every tedious

bit of work. At times emotions have been explosive and volatile, I've had to

go places emotionally uncomfortable.

Over the next 4 years I developed a support network/program which consisted of

journaling, bibliotherapy, and relationships with a handful of people and

professionals that I could call upon. I continued to be led to books which

included biographical sketches and stories about hope and healing and

connections between energy fields and healing. I sought answers through

conventional means (including medications for the bipolar and depression),

bodywork, nutrition, homeopathy, and energy medicine. My hope grew. My life was

changing.

This support network was vital and life saving for me. I had people I could

call, and a couple that I could be almost completely soul naked with. I grew

in my ability to bare my soul...to peek in and see the ugliness and the

beauty. Of course I saw more ugliness than beauty. But I began to understand

that even the "ugliness" was okay and understandable. I didn't have to fear

it. At one point my paranoia was so intense, I was scared to leave my home. I

feared I was ruining my children and that every decision I made would end in

complete failure. A dear friend phoned me every day for 3 weeks until a new

medication kicked in.

During these 4 years my symptoms became less intense; however, the symptoms

"plateaued" and I lived managing bipolar flares; hives and sneezing attacks a

few times a week; and a horomone dysfunction that would manifest in severe

aches, depression, and cognitive impairment at least 5 days per month. To

manage these symptoms I took about 50 pills a day in the form of supplements

with one medication, homeopathy, bodywork, counseling, and journaling. Yet,

this lifestyle was improvement over where I had been. I began to think that

this was as well as I could get.

In 2004 I was introduced to a nutritional product and company that had more

life-changing affects on me. I never imagined that a nutritional shake and

these wonderful people that introduced me to it, could change me so

profoundly. Within 9 months of consuming this product my hives completely

disappeared. The mood swings and debilitating hormone dysfunction were probably

85% better. I was able to get off my daily psychiatric meds and the daily

supplements. My energy was more stable and I could exercise more vigorously. I

went from being hit by an 18 wheeler at least 5 days a month, to being bumped

by a unicycle a few days per month. I was beginning to taste freedom.

During this time period the counselor I was seeing stated, "Carol I want you to

start thinking like a well person." I had NO concept of what this meant. My

life had revolved around sickness; my life had been a science of charts and

foods and meds and treatments. It was scarey getting well. I would find

myself wanting to break down, but couldn't. I thought I would run free once I

was liberated from the tyranny of entrapment. Yet, I was in new territory,

unfamiliar, uncomfortable. What was I to do with myself now? It took me 6 to

8 months to become comfortable with being "well."

By the end of 2005 I was well enough to make some major religious/spiritual

changes in my life. I chose to leave an abusive religious organization I had

been with for 28 years; many of the teachings and practices of this group

contributed to and intensified the emotional entrapment with which I had been

enslaved. This decision was like opening a dungeon where long-lurked prisoners

could now run free. Without the wellness God had granted, I do not believe I

could have made the break from that organization. Maybe eventually I would

have, but it took much resolve and emotional energy that I didn't have prior to

2004.

Within 3 months of divorcing the organization I was set on a road of freedom

from the deep, deep shame with which I had been plagued for decades. Now, 7

months from that divorce, I am as well as I can remember. I have energy,

vitality, and motivation. My relationship with my husband has been restored.

I feel joy again. I still have down days, but not the deep depression. Music

is an integral part of my life.

Day by day I endeavor to stay in touch with my heart and listen to where I am

emotionally. I continue to journal, read, pray, exercise, drink the nutritional

shakes, eat well, laugh, and make relationships a top priority. Relationships

(with myself, God, my environment, and people) are what make life rich and

worthwhile. Relationships are the fabric of life and give me (and all of us)

hope and encouragement, even when times look dim and dark and when it seems the

sun will not rise again.

[bowtwi]

Thanks for your story - what a journey you've been on, like us all, yet so different. I'm so very impressed!

[topoftheworld]

Incredible, Pipes. I admire the intense fight you took on to save your own life.

May the road continue to move upward for you.

[act2]

A snippet indeed!!! Please know that your story will help many people see how stress, depression, etc. intertwines with health, good or bad.

The road will get smoother every day.

You are certainly in my prayers.

[likeaneagle]

ILB-

Your story is so inspiring..

I also think that TWI taught us to dismiss the obvious and also put us in catagories when we weren't believing, which caused us to smother thethings we needed to attend to.

So glad your mental and physical health is taking on the healing stages..

[doojable]

Pipes,

You already know how much I think of you and the MR. You two are wonderful.

Just goes to show that God's way will always win out in the end.

God bless the broken road......its HIS road and he is always calling us back to Him and His love and strength.

[Belle]

(((((ILB)))))

OMG! Girl, I hope you pat yourself on the back for how much you've overcome and how strong you are to have done it! Thank you for sharing your story with us!

I've become healthier, too, since leaving TWI, but I had nothing compared to you. It's inspiring and does provide hope that I can also continue to heal.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you very much!

[FreeAtLast]

Thanks for sharing your story. It's great to see someone overcome so much. My mom went through some of the alternative treatments you did. Mainstream medicine many times does nothing but cover the symptoms. Kind of like the Way did in the later years.

Glad you are on the rise

[Sunnyfla]

((((ILB))))

What an incredible story of your life . Thank you for shareing You will be at the top of my list of

prayers for continued healing and wellness.

[I Love Bagpipes]

Thank you all for the kind words.

And for the prayers too!! What a nice side benefit!

I really hesitated to post the story, but in light of some things I've struggled with the past few weeks, the sense of loss some days has felt overwhelming. I realized that part of that sense of loss is directly tied into decisions made prior to my cascade of illness. How much of that cascade was due to TWI? I don't know and it may not be worth much of my time thinking about it. For me to admit that some of these years of illness were effected deeply by TWI, well.....that's a step for me. "That the ministry be not blamed".....was something I kept in my heart for so many years and that thinking (ministry be not blamed) kept me from seeing the emotional abuse/supression prevalent in TWI teaching/practice.

Again I don't blame TWI for the illnesses...I don't think (?). Some of the illnesses would be there anyway...but I do believe the intensity/severity would have been less. Plus I know folks sicker that I was who have never been in TWI.

Everyone has a story, and every story is valid and worthwhile. It's nice to have a place where those stories can be acknowledged and (as Watersedge stated on another thread)...relevant. TWI was/is(?) a master at making an individual's suffering nonrelevant.

[FreeAtLast]

"That the ministry be not blamed".....was something I kept in my heart for so many years and that thinking (ministry be not blamed) kept me from seeing the emotional abuse/supression prevalent in TWI teaching/practice.

ILB

I know what you mean. But when I left the Way I didn't want my life to be made an example to the believers of how you will get sick if you leave. After my departure from the Way and my divorce I was free to once again pursue medical assistance for a sickness I was dealing with. My ex wouldn't allow me to see doctors anymore. He said I was wasting our money and that there was nothing wrong with me. He went as far as to say if I went that I was disobeying him.

Shortly after leaving the Way and leaving him I started seeking help again. It turned out I had a tumor the size of a hard boiled egg lodged in the right ventrical of my heart. As my doctors decided that it was probably instigated by an injury to the heart, I realized that the only time I had sustained such an injury was at Rodeo school and indeed the Way was responsible for my sickness.

I didn't want others to fear leaving the way because of my life. So I became vocal about the Way's role in my illness. Well miraculously I came through surgery and I am in excellent shape. And I was fed some dim possibilities. And now my life hasn't become an example of what will happen when you leave the Way. I wanted the ministry to be blamed for the benefit of those struggling with leaving.

[I Love Bagpipes]

WOW FreeAtLast!!

What a story...and thank you.

What you stated will help me through this process/pondering regarding that dirty word "blame."

It'd be interesting to learn how many folks suffered illnesses due to misguidance fostered by TWI (or like organizations). Ironically it was teaching from TWI that kept me seeking help, the teaching that God wants me well. I know that might offend some here...but it is what it is. Then again, I would have learned that (God wants me well) outside the confines of the "walls of Zion." On the flip side the teaching that "God wants me well" was also a source of condemnation...a double edged sword at times. Perhaps it wasn't the knowledge that God wants me well that was the source of the condemnation, but the teaching/inuendos of "what are you doing/not doing that God won't answer your prayer."

Again the word "duplicity" (from another thread) stands out to me.

Hmmmmmmmmm....I'm starting to ramble again.

[FreeAtLast]

but the rambling makes a lot of sense.

[Twinky]

Bagpipes - exactly. Thank you for sharing your story. You have suffered a great deal and it's wonderful to hear how you are healing.

...the book, Healing Back Pain by Dr. John Sarno. Within 6 weeks of applying what I had read, the back spasms were 80% better; after 5 months they were completely gone. This book prompted me to delve more deeply into the relationship between emotions and the body, the effect of the dance between the two...

For anyone out there with back pain, I'd endorse the recommendation of this book. It really does help. You will also recognise other "tricks" your body will try to get up to, to get you to pay attention.

Within 3 months of divorcing the organization I was set on a road of freedom from the deep, deep shame with which I had been plagued for decades. Now, 7 months from that divorce, I am as well as I can remember. I have energy, vitality, and motivation. ...

Likewise, except they kicked me out and I wallowed in mindblowing misery and guilt and shame, and discovering GSC and what TWI was really like set me free. The truth shall set you free... Very quickly too. See your energy levels rocket!

Day by day I endeavor to stay in touch with my heart and listen to where I am emotionally. I continue to journal, read, pray, exercise ... Relationships (with myself, God, my environment, and people) are what make life rich and worthwhile. Relationships are the fabric of life and give me (and all of us) hope and encouragement, even when times look dim and dark and when it seems the sun will not rise again.

It's stunning to keep a journal and look back on it and see how you grow in mind and body from day to day. Makes better reading than my Corps journal. Wonderful people out there who would have helped before if only sufferers had eyes to see and were not blinded by TWI "truth."

[I Love Bagpipes]

Thanks Twinky and FreeAtLast (again :) )

I will add that I needed more info after reading Healing Back Pain; I needed more specific direction about steps to take. So I did a websearch on "tension myositis syndrome" and found mindbodymedicine.com. This site is helpful in figuring out if TMS might be what an indiviual is dealing with.

The site was started by Dr. David Schechter, a sports medicine doctor. The site also offered a program for $50.00 (at the time I ordered it). This included 3 tapes, a 30-day plan/workbook, and a report on social illness. It was that program that helped me overcome TMS and led me down a deeper path regarding emotions being manifested as physical symptoms. This (emotions/physical symptoms) is not the case for everyone (nor for all my symptoms), but it was a big factor in my personal recovery.

Another book I suggests to anyone suffering with chronic illness is The Anatomy of an Illness: From the Perspective of the Patient by Norman Cousins. It is not long and is written in layman terms. It is also good for doctors and anyone helping someone with illness. It helps cut through judgemental attitudes that people sometimes hold toward folks suffering with mental/physical illnesses. It promotes compassion and offers hope.

I hope I always encourage hope and never lose compassion.

[T-Bone]

Thanks for sharing your story, Bagpipes. Your strength is - - amazing !!!!!!!!!!!!! I always enjoy reading your posts - which are typically inspirational and thought-provoking. And you better not back off that Rambling stuff - that's when it really gets good !!!!!!!!!

[Amazingrace]

ILB, your story is an empowering example of the long journey to success in physical and spiritual recovery.

I rejoice in the freedom you've found. Thank you for sharing a story which is sure to be awe-inspiring to all who read.